Seahorse,<p>I just sent an email to your hotmail account. I might be able to help with the book.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Seahorse - sorry this is so late.<p>He's doing all the predictable things. If you stay the course, it's the best you can do right now. Don't plead with him or be needy. In a way, you have to let him go - that is, let him play this out. The odds are that he'll eventually wake up and not believe what he did. This doesn't lessen your pain at the moment, but please find comfort in the fact that your situation is typical.<p>Please be strong.<p>WAT

I really am trying WAT even though it dosen't seem like it. I've bit my tongue and yes I didn't do so good today at it, but I am acting out of fear when I do that. I'm frightened because I've never been faced with the prospect of being alone before therefore i don't know how or if I can survive. I know this probably sounds silly to many people, but I lived such a sheltered life, and never thought it would be otherwise. Funny how life throws these things at you like that.<p>So I have checked things out and now know i can financially. It will be tough though. <p>I really hope you're right WAT and he does come back to me, even though everyone else thinks I'm crazy to want this. But I know it must be different if he does, but this is a long way down the track.<p>I pray everyday for god to resolve this situation. I am working on myself in between moments of utter fear and dread, and every now and then I do like myself. I guess that again is all part of it-learning to be OK with who I am.<p>Thanks WAT, thanks Jacky, thanks to all, i will keep all in my prayers

Seahorse - I hope I am right, too.<p>I am more sure that the affair will not last.<p>Whether or not you get a chance after the affair is over to rebuild your relationship is largely up to you.<p>Two potential outcomes seem to be likely, based on anecdotal evidence:<p>1. the affair ends and he finds safe harbor with you because you did not burn your bridges as the affair progressed. You both get a chance to repair you relationship, but success is not guaranteed, or<p>2. the affair ends and he does not feel comfortable approaching you because he expects you to rub his nose in it. You are right and moral in all respects but in being "right" you prevent a chance at recovery.<p>Do you understand?<p>WAT

Ok, I deleted my original response because it was not a good one. I read JL's post to Seahorse and realized that my suggestion while it may have some feel good points basically would be a major LB of sorts. <p>Seahorse, listen to the 'good' advice here. Some of us sometimes (like me) just want to put things in the WS' face and let them feel our pain. That in itself is not always wrong but the timing might be. <p>
Take Care,
L. <p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Seahorse,<p>Please do a couple of things. Stop, relax, and realize you don't have any control over him. You do have control over yourself. Everyone here knows you are in pain, but if you could stop and realize all of the attributes YOU have and you have many I think several things will start to happen.<p>1. You will realize you will survive this no matter what.<p>2. You have complete control over your decisions. You can hang in there for awhile, you can leave, you can divorce, you WILL be happy in your life.<p>Seahorse, don't threaten, don't cajole, simply be yourself. See and express the good things in you, and let him deal with what he is doing to himself.<p>You have been getting great advice from WAT, Jackie, and others. But, I know you don't want advice, you want a SOLUTION. There is no SOLUTION, just time and patience and the unfolding of events as you go through them and learn. You will come out of this a much strong woman, and you will come out of this a woman many men will desire. Hopefully, your H is one of them.<p>So settle down a bit and let him start to work on things. I would however caution you as I am sure others already have, to protect yourself financially. Your H is very likely going to try and impress the OW. From the sounds of it, it won't work, but just make sure you are not part of his process in this regard.<p>Hang in there and God Bless.<p>JL

OK, OK, I understand, back off him or loose him forever. I'm really trying hard, but will try harder again (give me strength)-I'm going away to see some friends this weekend by the beach so this will help, get me out of his face. He's gone out tonight - I've not called, etc, etc. <p>JL-I have financial advice. Basically in Aust, if he runs up debts while we are still married, he is liable for them. If either one of us initiate legal separation to divide the property up the debt will become part of common property (ie I will possibly be liable for it). Same with our car, as it is in his name, he can sell it while we are married, but if I want to get some of the money, I would need to initiate legal separation. Either we or a judge could decide how to divide things up. I have called my bank (re housing loan) and have put on the account "both to sign" for everything (this protects both of us from each other and ourselves with our biggest asset, at least). <p>I have opened my own account with a $1000 overdraft on it for emergencies - which I will tell him about. I think now, learning from this experience, i will leave it there for me, just as my security backup - good for the confidence.<p>I know I can afford the house by myself, although if we do break up and go legal its going to be a struggle because of the cost of solicitors - but he says he dosen't want to do that and niether do I, but you've got to at least be prepared. He says he may still move out when he comes back, but again, does not want to legally separate just yet.<p>I hope he is smarter than to try and impress these girl/s(?) with money, but when you are smitten with someone you are usually not thinking straight, and he's really impressed with the image they have shown of being able to spend lots of money (unfortunately this is something that has always impressed my husband). <p>I want to re-iterate I don't want to split up with him. i love him, although the love bank is running very low. <p>I'll try to back off big time. The stuff I do not say to him I will come here and say - just to get rid of it out of my mind. <p>I'm glad in a way I won't see him until tomorrow as it will allow me time to have a good sleep and pull myself together. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Seahorse - now you're sounding stronger. Good job.<p>To build on what JL said, and referring to Rule #2, it seems to help BSs - it helped me tremendously - to finally realize that it's much easier to make things worse than it is to make things better. In other words, our knee jerk reactions in the early, urgent, very high emotions we experience hardly ever help at all. It's when we get (some) control that we can start to make better decisions and stop rushing around. If BSs could take a slow pill and allow the WSs to progress at top speed, we'd be a lot better off, I think.<p>Go to the beach, contemplate the unstoppable rhythm of the tides, and take comfort in knowing that there are some forces in nature and other people that we have absolutely no control over. The comfort comes when we stop trying to affect these type things. It reminds me of that old joke of "What's the greatest feeling in the world?" It's when you're beating your head up against the wall - and then you stop.<p>WAT

He came home last night, I don't know what happened, but I think he may have had a problems with his (male)friends. I don't want to know really, its none of my business. I can't wait to get to the beach today, I need this so bad, I need to laugh and have some fun! My friends will look after me. I'm trying to work a plan for the next week - a day by day survival plan. Monday night-yoga, Tuesday - movie?, Wednesday night - ? Thursday I have a day off work and will get my hair done and shop in the city. I may go and see my dad. Friday - ? Just about everyone at work notices that there's something wrong (usually because they notice my clothes now hang off me [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) and a couple of (females) have offered to go for a coffee. Normally I wouldn't take up this offer, but I think it would be nice to develop some friendships now, plus I could really use the distraction. <p>I'm not going to pretend it dosen't hurt (i will in front of him), but at least I haven't burst into tears in the last 24 hours - that's a pretty good advancement I think.

g'day, Seahorse - the day-to-day plan sounds real smart. Distraction is SO important.<p>Now I'm gonna be a bit of a nag. Clothes hanging off you? Work mates concerned? I bet you're on the infidelity diet. Yep - I lost over 10 kg in just a few weeks (and I was at my ideal weight to start with). I bet you're not sleeping well, either, hey? Know why? (beyond the obvious answer)? <p>Depression.<p>Know what will help? That medication. You already stated your reluctance to use the medication, but please re-consider it now that some of your "sky-high" emotions have decreased to only "really high."<p>I promise they will help to arrest your involuntary diet and make you a healthier Seahorse. You'll need to be at your best when the opportunity for reconciliation comes.<p>WAT<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

The weekend was not all that I had hoped it would be. I guess this is a pattern in my life- expect much and get disappointed later when it dosen't work out. I thought about H for most of the weekend. I was a pathetic lovesick lost soul-one that misses her mate terribly.<p>When I got home last night he hated me for whatever reason, and I got snide remarks about everything. He said he had the best night ever -just the boys. I wish I could have said I had a great weekend too, but I couldn't lie, and I thought better of telling him I missed him.<p>Today, I don't feel so great at all - darned hormones. <p>WAT, I actually like that I'm loosing weight. I look like I did when I was 18, and maybe H will like that too. I'm sleeping better than I thought I would. I just need to have a bit of fun, and I'm trying to do that. <p>I went to the counsellor today and we're making good progress. I seemed to have pinpointed some significant moments in my life that have lead to this situation and identified some thought patterns that are undermining good ideas that I have and destroying my enthusiasm for life in the process.<p>I keep trying to imagine how my life will be without H and can't. I try to think about what I would do, where I would live, what my pasttimes would be, but life seems pointless without him. Everything I've done in my life, I considered him, now I suddenly don't? I wish I could just accept this, but I can't just give it all up like this. One month ago (today) my husband seemed to love me-I can't believe that that's all gone, I just can't.<p>So tonight I will get home and maybe I'll get a few kind words and he will like me a little. I'll think a little bit more about what my life will be without him around, and where I want to go from here.<p>I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Today is a better day. I was in the bad books last night again, it seemed to be after one of my friends called (this seems to get the same reaction each time, so now I feel bad when my friends ring). I tried to kiss him goodnight, but he didn't want it, then later that night he kissed me (I don't know if he was awake or sleep-kissing?).<p>This morning he was in a better mood. This is a bizarre situation. You truly do not know what you're going to get each day, and if you get a kind word you're high on it. Bizarre.<p>H finishes his job this week and starts a new one next week. One that will (hopefully) be less pressure. I hope this will improve things a bit for us, as I suspect that the pressure of work has been a sizable contributer to this situation (not that i'm letting myself off the hook-there's still much to be done).<p>He is going to his parents this weekend. I'm scared of the outcome, because I know his mum's not that fond of me, and she'll get in his ear - I just hope they keep out of it. In any case, they'll never know the full story as he won't tell and I have no intention of telling if he dosen't want me to.<p>I've let go the last two days. I don't snoop or think about snooping. I try to think about how I will be living my life without him (a bleak thought). I try to think about what I like to do. Its not easy as all that has been pushed away for so long. I've wiped the Bangkok trip from my mind. The credit card thing - what can I do about it? OW - well, it can't last forever, if it is still going, and if it is, what can I do? He still comes home to me at night (for the moment) I guess.<p>BTW I've booked my holiday - I'm going to learn to dive in Cairns - Great Barrier Reef. I told H this and he looked shocked, he said "you're going to have a ball". I'll do my best.

Ok so he's gone out for drinks and I'm not doing so good now. Maybe he's gone with her, maybe he'll hate me again when he gets home. Why is this happening? Of everything I have done, why did I deserve this?<p>Anyway, enough of this, because I'm mad and angry at him, and I've got to get over it before he gets home.

Seahorse,<p>I meant to call you tonight, but ended up on IM with a friend in need instead......she isn't on this site, but she should be!<p>I will call you tomorrow night (Wed) after 8 if that is ok, just to lend an ear if you want one. If not ok, let me know.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Well I was right, he hates me. I don't understand the anger, is this a mid life crisis or normal affair stuff? He is 32 and has a very high pressure job. He travels about an hour to work and is off by 6.30am and home anywhere from 7.30 to 10.30 (for example this evening). He has started "going out for drinks" a lot. I asked him how his day was, he said he released his anger. He threw pens at his glass window in his office and yelled f***. He told the lady who upset him to f*** off b*****.<p>I am seriously worried about my husband people, he was my friend before we were married and will be after were, well, I dare not speak it.<p>About six months ago he went for a checkup and had high blood pressure. His father had a stroke about a year ago, something that scared him a lot. He's helped me through a lot of stuff (I've have had various down times myself). Our relationship wasn't great. He's been talking a lot about regrets and how in the last five years he's had a lot (meaning our marriage). <p>All this stuff with the girl is just incidental, I seriously think my husband is having a nervous breakdown. What can i do, other than stand around and watch it happen?<p>Jacky I'd love for you to call, I was wondering how you were. I hope your friend is OK. The only concern i have is that he gets angry at me after I talk to my friends - I just don't want to put another nail in the coffin right now, but then again who knows when he'll be home anyway?<p>I think he's going to leave me soon, and I'm going to crumble. At least he'll be happy.<p>I told him tonight that i knew he was angry especially with me, but that I love him and I am here if he needs me. What else can I do?<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

I hate this situation, its so damn frustrating. I just want this to be over. I feel so damn awful

Hi Seahorse. I don't know if this will help or not, but words like this helped me in the beginning: You are not alone.<p>Based on everything you've posted, you're very normal. Yes, you're hurting real bad, you're frustrated, you're angry, and you can't believe what's happening. All normal.<p>The reason I am saying this is because I invite you to continue to read everything you can find on the forum. You will see that there are very many BSs who have been where you are right now, but who have survived and grown from our experiences. If we can do it, so can you, because you've already demonstrated that you're just like us.<p>Your H doesn't hate you. He certainly isn't treating you with the respect and love you deserve, but this is because right now, he isn't really your H. He's his evil twin, so to speak. Remember? The aliens scrambled his brains! Refer to Rule #1 one more time. DO NOT try to make sense out of what he's doing.<p>Stay with us, OK?<p>WAT

Somedays I understand what you're saying and other days it just goes out the window. From hour to hour it changes too. I imagine in time the periods of insanity (mine) will reduce.<p>He has just rung and told me he won't be home tonight and is staying with a male friend. His golf this afternoon had been cancelled, etc, etc. I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know what is the truth.<p>I'm so lonely, I wish I had gone out tonight.

I think I did an LB today. He didn't come home last night as I said, so I rang him at work this morning and I think I detected a small amount of pleasure to hear me (although I don't want to get my hopes up). During the conversation I asked him if he was coming home tonight, he said "going out drinking, can't drive, blah blah" I agreed he shouldn't drink and drive. He said he would be home for most of day tomorrow until he goes to his parent's place for the night. I said I really missed him, loved him and would like to spent some time with him. He asked about whether I'd booked my trip, etc, when I was going. I said I've booked part of it, why? - "I can ask, cant I" he said This is really starting to p**s me off, I get the feeling something is going down while I'm away - I just hope he's not planning to (cowardly) move out while I'm away - although I must admit, I prefer this than him going to Thailand (for two reasons - OW and safety).<p>I also sent him an email later in the day saying I'd confirmed the trip and that there was still places and I hadn't booked the flight yet. I asked him if he'd decided where he was going - I got no reply for this.<p>Is this a LB? I feel maybe I shouldn't have asked where he was going? <p>I'm at home, quite lonely, trying to distract myself. I hope SAA arrives soon, I could use the help!<p>I am remaining calm with him though. Like when he rang last night, I know I sounded disappointed when he said he wasn't coming home, but he said, I think I stay at (Friends), is that OK? (He's asking me?) I said, "Its up to you, its you're decision". <p>I think there are some shreds of hope there. Surely after 12 years of knowing each other he wouldn't just walk away forever? He's says he's looking toward the future, but surely he thinks about the past too? He told me last week that he would never intentionally hurt me, then two days later he tells me I could loose another 2kgs - I've lost 7kg in 4 weeks - I'm happy with my weight right now, don't really want to loose anymore otherwise I won't be strong enough for my diving holiday - that's where I'm going to Great Barrier reef to learn how to dive! This will be a major blast!<p>BTW, he keeps asking me about where I've been and with who and about being on chat lines (actually I've never been on a chat line- I'm on MB), he's trying to acuse me of having an affair-can you believe the nerve?! Its his guilt talking, isn't it? I keep saying that I'm not seeing or chatting to anyone. Next time, I will tell him he is the only one for me right now. I think some of the new clothes and knickers I've bought have also brought this on - mind you, I've bought them for him and myself - they make me feel good. He wants a sexier Seahorse - he's going to get it! Maybe he's a little worried too? No, that's hoping for too much now. <p>I also bought a book on making love to men, the only problem is he's always out or dosen't want me to touch him - says it makes his decision harder. How do you fulfil a need (an identified need) when he won't let you, says he wants to take it slow. Is he trying to break away from me? All this is too much for me. He's complained about the sex for years now he dosen't want it. Could he be testing me to see if I am for real, if I've really changed. Help me here guys, do I keep trying or back off? Should I try to initiate sex/affection and if he says "no" just leave it (I want to respect him, otherwise its an LB).<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Today was good until about 2pm, then it all went downhill.<p>Things were going great. H came home at 2am (at least he came home). He came to bed at 6am and things went well... He was nice to me all day, I did all the running around, made him lunch, then suddenly ? alien invasion - he says "even if I do move out after my holiday, I'll still come home to mow the lawn" Great. thanks for that H, you're a legend - I'll be he weekend you know what. Maybe I don't want to live out here so far from the city. Did he ever think about that. maybe I don't want to run a house this size by myself, maybe i want to go out during the week to mister.<p>Later I told him I love him, he told me I was a persistent b***h. I told him I love him and i intend to hang in there and wait for him. Of course, I was pressuring him then (so he said).<p>Then he went off to his parent's place. Didn't call to tell me he made it (its a long drive), so I rang to see if he made it. His mum is worried about him, and i started crying on the phone [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] She said she hope he comes to his senses soon - I told here I would be waiting here for him when he does. thank u god, I've got MIL batting for me!<p>Its not been a good evening. I've drunk a whole bottle of wine, and smoked one of his cigars (they are not very nice - i won't be doing that again), and I think I need to go and sleep it off now. <p>If H acts like this, like an insane, drugged out alien, does it mean that he is still in contact with OW? I've read some other posts, but can't really work it out. I suspect that he probably is somehow, and I'm in denial "he wouldn't do that to me". <p>Its really hard guys, one minute I feel like I'm getting on with life, then I'm back down feeling like I've been bad in my last 10 lives so deserved this somehow. Is this normal? Something tells me it probably is. I wish I could shut down for a while-too many thoughts, not enough action. I'm looking forward to my holiday, but worried I might do something silly. <p>I guess if H dosen't want me in the end, there's got to be some nice man out there who will love me. <p>got to get some sleep <p>I've got study to do and its not getting done.