Liz - your ups and downs are normal. I bet you can predict by now what I'm gonna say next: meds [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . That's all I'll say about that.<p>Let me suggest that you try thinking long term instead of reacting to everything he does or doesn't do. You can hamstring yourself reacting to every current in the river. <p>I promise he will continue to be alternatingly warm and cool to you. Expect it. You need to be the stable one. Don't let him have this power over you to cause reactions to everything he does. Not that he's necessarily trying to do this - remember, he's confused - but even unintentionally, he can tie you in knots.<p>Understand? Focus on your Dad and Mum right now.<p>Dave

Feeling a bit sad again. He called today, needed the car. Everything is the same with mum.

Seahorse,<p>Hey, just a quick post to say hang in there. I am thinking about you and know you can get through this. I also recommend the meds -- they really help, but are not a miracle cure. They don't take away feelings but they do help smooth out the high ups and low downs.<p>Take care.<p>FHO

Hey Seahorse,<p> thanks for your post. I see we are both down today. This stinks. I toyed with the thought last night that perhaps my H just went out and found someone who REALLY is better for him than me. Resigned myself over to the fact that in 12 years nothing better has come along for either of us until now. Trying to believe that maybe we don't fit into the statistics that would be in my favor. Maybe she's really better than me. Got myself really down about it. Only because i had some time with nothing to do. See what happens??<p>
Iv'e got to keep busy! Going rock climbing with 8 of my friends tonight. None of them know. they just think i am the out going one who arranges cool activities. Little do they know it keeps me from offing myself.<p> Hang in there and know I am blue too. At least your H called you 4 times in one day! LUCKY!!<p>Forgiver<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: Forgiver ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>Feeling a bit sad again. He called today, needed the car. Everything is the same with mum.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Seahorse, go out from your house ... do something diferent ... retail theraphy (go shopping), go to spa or do something to take care of yourself. You see, your H is abducted by alien, he is not here to take of you. Now you have to be nice and take care of yourself. I enjoy going out to late show and going to gymn ... I go to give a treat to my self. I color my hair dark to hide some gray ones. Go out w/ freinds that don't know your situation ... go and do something different. Weekend is just starting, no time for feeling blues.<p>I will check back tonight -RH-

Sorry guys, I'm still down, I know I've got to get out of the house, but I don't know what to do with myself. I lived my whole life for my husband, for so long, now its really hard to get out of that habit. When I was away, when he was gone, it seemed easier, I had fun. Now I feel like I'm just hanging around waiting...<p>You did give me an idea though Redhat, I might go to the movies tonight. H is coming home, but I get the feeling he's going to get the car and go out. So much for working on our marriage, to be honest, I think he's just saying that to keep me here, to manipulate me. He told me he dosen't "love" me, heck I don't even love me right now.<p>HE said to me yesterday, is midday ok, would earlier or later be better. I said, if you can come earlier it would be nice, he immediately said "it will be later". I feel like he's just deliberately doing this.<p>See, I'm geeting so caught up in these stupid exchanges, I'm sick of it. <p>I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm here, I feel like when I'm here I've got responsibilities and the weight of it tires me and I don't feel like doing anything. I'm also isolated. Once H takes the car, I'm pretty much stuck out here where nothing much happens. I'm so mad he's left me out here in this situation, but I'm frightened to sell the house as he might use it as an excuse to leave me.<p>Help, someone give me some guidance. What am I doing? What's wrong with me. I feel like I'm not living at all, just waiting to live. I look at mum and dad. Mum was diagnosed with here disease the day my dad retired. They searched for cures, then it was too late, she was incapacitated. I don't want to wait round forever then find my life is over. I'm hurting, I'm scared and I just don't know what to do.<p>HE just rang right then, he's not coming home at all.He said he just wants time, to get the fondness back. I said I wanted to see him, that I miss him, how do we work it out when I don't even see him. I told him I love him, I want to see him. I'm crying my eyes out. I feel like I've just been stabbed though the heart. I want love I need love. Is this what it going to be like? Help, someone, tell me something.

Hi Seahorse -- I've been following your posts. You are doing remarkably well and are much stronger than I am even though we are at the same points since D-Day.<p>I sit here at work thinking maybe my WH will call -- it's past work time, but I can't go home and face my empty house. I know he won't call tonight. He says he will come by tomorrow, but it will be the same as last weekend. Tell me he'll be there in the morning and shows up late afternoon and doesn't know where the time went.<p>I feel better when I'm doing something/anything other than sitting here thinking about my WH. I am going to go rent a movie to watch at home -- I need a night off from reading all of these affair books.<p>I know you are hurting, but you have been so strong and you can keep on going. My dad is having cardiac surgery early next week and I cannot be there. He's had heart problems for several years and I almost lost him last fall and my WH was not there for me the way I needed him to be. I went to be with my dad and mom and my WH went to be with the OW while I was in the hospital. <p>I'm no expert at any of this, but there are others that have been there for you and their advice seems solid. All we can do is keep trying. <p>It seems unfair right now to you I know. It seems hard, but you have made it this far. Take each day as a new one.<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you. May God give you the strength and grace you need right now.

Thank you unsureheart. I know there are other's who have been where I am that's why I asking desperately: How do I not react to these things?<p>I called back and left a message that things with mum were getting to me, that I know he has a big load right now but I need support. I asked him what happened?<p>I know WAT told me not to do these things, but it seems that I have no control. Help me not to react. What do other's do? Is there some technique? I won't contact him again now, I'll wait for him, he said Tuesday, but I think that by my reaction he may not now. I'm not really creating a safe place am I. Please someone give me advice. <p>I'm seeing the counsellor tomorrow. I'm going out now, going to go to the beach and just try to stay out of the house for today. I just feel so lonely and so unloved. I just want someone to love me, preferably my H.

Liz - sorry I wasn't right there when you needed someone - but you had yourself and your good head.<p>I know you know what I could say, so I'm not gonna say it again.
I will say this: Do I have to knock some sense into you? Do you think that just because you're on the other side of the planet from me that Jacky won't knock you for me? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>OK, seriously, stop pleading and crying to him. This will have the EXACT opposite effect that you want. Understand? You know this!!<p>Now, maybe some others can help with this. We need to find a balance between not LB'ing but denying him the use of your car. He's not living at home, right? He chose to leave, right? The easy conclusion is to let him get his own friggin' car. But you can't do this all at once without LB'ing. What's the status of splitting up your finances? What's the status of your talks with the attorney? Basically, I think you need to be moving in the direction of separating legally since he's already done it physically. You need to protect Liz. This will empower you, I think, and help you detach while the aliens have control.<p>Does this make sense?<p>Dave

WAT is right Liz,<p>Showing your H any sign of weakness or dependency on him is going to push him away, especially when he has told you he doesn't like that kind of thing. He needs to see change...permanent and obvious change in you, and the things he has told you he doesn't like are the things to change first.<p>I understand that this is a very, very hard time for you right now. You need support, but your H is not forthcoming, and asking for it is not going to get it. Therefore you need to find support in other ways.....friends, MB, me (I have told you to call anytime [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). Hard as it is, you know in your heart that you cannot rely on H for anything right now, and that must be accepted by you, and let go.<p>Now, I am where you are in some respects. I have just had a hysterectomy. I have my mother and a friend who help me, and I have home help...but the emotional side of this is where the pain is. I NEED someone to hold me, pamper me, let me rest, let me cry, etc. BUT I was doing okay until I found out that I have a golden staph infection on the wound......very scary because it is HARD to get rid of. My first thought was to tell H. Yet I know he may be concerned, but he will distance himself, and that will hurt me more.<p>He hears from others how I am doing, has asked me in an email, and I kind of play it down. I let the others play it up for me, which they do [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . But, even so, he keeps his distance. <p>Is there any way at all you can get yourself a little car? Borrow from friends if need be? It would be a great thing for you to have your independence back, and also show H that you are capable of looking after yourself.<p>In the meantime, don't be afraid to call up friends and ask them to come and get you out of the house.......even if it is just for coffee. Or invite them to your house for dinner, or a coffee...keep occupied, and also this shows H you are having a life without him.<p>C'mon, girl, you are an Aussie, and Aussie women are known for their strength and resilience in the face of hardship. You CAN do these things, and I am sure they will make you feel more in control.<p>I want you to know that if you need a little holiday, you are welcome to come to Melbourne, and visit with me...I would be glad to have you.<p>Now, the next time you want to email H, or talk to him, write to me or call me instead...talking helps, and I am here for you. Not going anywhere with this stupid infection, anyway [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] !<p>Keep well, my friend, and remember to look after YOU.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Hi Liz,<p>You don't know me but I've been following your thread and I feel for you.<p>I won't invade your thread, you have some excellent support already, but I love Jacky's advice about calling or emailing her when you want to email or call your husband. She is a good friend, take her up on her offer.<p>
Doc

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks Doc, I hope she does!

Guys thank you, I'm thinking or rather, trying not to. I just need some time, my head hurts. Haven't contacted H, He contacted me - I had the phone off so we haven't spoken - better this way anyway. <p>I'll finish this later.

OK I'm back. Went to see mum. I haven't seen her for sometime and was quite shocked by what I saw. She is simply a skeleton with skin. Her cheeks and eyes are hollow, her face is sharp (no fat to cushion the skin). She sleeps most of the time and could barely open her eyes to see us, if she even knew we were there. Her legs barely make a bump under the sheets. She has teaspoons of "food" and pain medication to sustain her every now and then.<p>Dad said that it could not possibly be long before she will die. I agree. Surely god will take her soon, to see her there like that, its gutwrenching.<p>I will go as much as I can this week to be with her and dad. <p>I'm concerned re the financial stuff too, WAT. When I got back from holidays I instructed my lawyer to write the letter. As far as I know, its nearly ready to pick up, but I don't know if I can do this in the middle of mum's death. I'm really frightened to do this anyway-I'm coming to terms with the fact that if I do it, it may mean H and I will never get back together, it would be very easy for him to walk away - can I live with that? I need some more time to think, its a big decision and a major upheaval for me. <p>I wonder if I could really handle a court hearing, mum's death, an immature selfish husband who will have a hissy fit about the financial split, and maybe leave me, plus the family around me's grief. I'll have to deal with my sister who will be a mess (and who I'm really pissed off with, because a year ago she walked out on two kids and a husband to be with another man). Add to that friends pressuring me to tell my H "where to go", and the day to day responsibilities of looking after a home (and a poor dog who looks sad and lonely-I feel bad about that). Could I really handle a court hearing right now? When I got back from holidays, I was ready to do it, but I just think it would be too much to add to the growing pile of bull**** that's on my doorstep. I'm very reluctant to add more to the load.<p>I like the idea of him getting a car and I'm going to suggest that, hopefully he'll be open to the idea. <p>Jacky, I so much appreciate your offer to come to Melbourne. I wish it was that easy, and maybe it will be soon. Can you leave that offer open for me, there may be a time, real soon, that I need some time out. How's the infection by the way, how are they treating the staph? that's a real nasty one.<p>Look I know that he's not going to be there for me with mum. When he called yesterday he said that he moved out for a bit of space and "just wanted to be free" and by the way, how's my mum? I really hoped he would be there, but I'm going this one alone. Its just another LB (to me) and its making me wonder - I know he's in fog, but its really hard not to be LB'd by that! <p>I'm feeling today that I can concentrate on mum now, that phone call from him had a lot to do with it. He will have to fit into my schedule with mum. I'm not sure what Harleys or anyone else says about it, but if its an LB, so be it, I have very little time left with mum now and this separation WILL be permanent.<p>I know my H has been "abducted by aliens", but I really cannot fathom that he'd be so unfeeling, I'm amazed at what the guilt and confusion can do to a person mind. From what unsureheart said earlier though, its all part of the fog and its common. One day I'm going to read about the psychology behind that - what makes a person disassociate like this? The mind is amazing. Anyway I'm going to bed now, its 12.30am on monday morning - yuck! <p>Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Hi Liz - we certainly validate the load you're currently carrying. It's not fair.<p>I don't know the legal procedure in Aus., but why a court date for a financual split? Isn't this something you can leave to the lawyers and you can focus on your family? Just an idea to lessen your load.<p>Dave

I don't know if I can do that, I'll have to find out. <p>I'm paying this morning for a lack of sleep and feeling grumpy. I'm just going to go with the flow today, don't feel capable of too much else. Seeing mum last night was a real shock.<p>Have to do some work now.<p>[ April 14, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

No change with mum, going to be with her tonight. Dad is getting worked up about my brother and sister, so I'm trying to counsel him to let go that he can't control them - teaching him what I've learned. <p>H emailed and said "work permitting" he'd see me. So, I emailed back and said that I was concentrating on mum and would catch up with him another time. I believe I did it without LBing. I've not heard a reply, but its OK. <p>WAT, thanks for what you said, I have been giving him too much power. Its all part of setting boundaries and assertiveness/self esteem, so I'm going to work very hard on this and have a chat to my counsellor about it today.<p>Trying to organise lots of activities. Got a good nights sleep so feel more "in control". I've been emailing Jacky too, she's been great.

No change, no update re mum. <p>H emailed me to see how I was, but I can't be bothered replying right now, will make him wait a little while.

{{{{{HUGS SEAHORSE}}}}}}<p> My heartfelt sympathies about this difficult time with your Mum. It is so good you spend the time with her now. She means more thatn anything else right now. <p> It is good you make H wait. Shows you are strong without him and other matters concern you more thatn him. Other priorities come before him now. If you can squeeze him in its his luck. but don't even bother with him right now. You need to be with your family. I pray for you and yours.
Forgiver

Thanks Forgiver, You sound better, I'm glad, thank you for your prayers. <p>No Change with mum.<p>I feel guilty as I'm in a great mood. Even though the situations aren't good, I feel good.