I tried to post, and it seems like it didn't work, so I'll try again.<p>I have been reading the articles and discussions over the last few weeks, and have found some comfort knowing that there are many others in situations like mine.<p>A short summary of my story:
Found out 3 1/2 weeks ago that my H of 5 mths was having an A for 3 1/2 mths. I confronted him on some inconsistencies, and everything came spilling out. It was with an old friend, started with an EA, and moved into a PA. The day after I found out, he called her, and told her it was over. We talked a lot about why it happened, why he is so unhappy, etc. Over the last few weeks, we haven't discussed the A at all. I think it is a LB to bring it up, but I feel like I need to talk about things...is this wrong? I feel like we are getting into the same patterns as before (lack of open and honest communication) that contributed to the A, and I am scared and nervous about these patterns. How much should I bring up the A? Is it reasonable to talk about our M without bringing up the A?<p>One other question - Valentine's day is exactly 4 weeks to the day that I found out. I would like to do something, but not sure... Any suggestions? I have bought a simple card...most were overly gushy for how I am feeling right now...<p>Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

It very well may be a LB. But, it does need to be discussed at some time. I recommend you seek a neutral third party (a counselor) to have this discussion with you. They will be able to help keep the conversation civil so that LBs are minimized. Read up on the POJA and use it in your discussions.

Are you suggesting that you are wondering about buying him a card?!!! Let me see if I have this straight...you have been married less than six months and he has been having an A for more than half of that? <p>I would be wondering if your new H is marriage material at this point and not whether to get him a loving card!<p>Maybe part of the reason that so many of these spouses crap all over the BS is that the BS' are making it so bloody easy. It seems to me that your H is the one that needs to be bending over backwards.<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Inacompl-<p>Hi, I know where you are comming from. It is very hard to deal with things when a holiday is right around the corner. Believe me I know. I found out less than two weeks before Christmas. Right now you do not need any more negative advise like you just got from SPT_fl. I am sure you are getting enough of that in your own mind. Even if there is one ounce of truth to what spt_fl says, I feel you need positive support here. If you wanted to be brought down there are many other places to find that. Not here or from the majority of the people you will post with. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I think it is a LB to bring it up, but I feel like I need to talk about things...is this wrong? <hr></blockquote><p>I feel its not wrong to talk about things, but IMHO the things that need to be discused should be your marriage. Not the A. Let him bring up the A, believe me he will sooner or later.<p>Concintrate on PlanA and trying to resolve <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I feel like we are getting into the same patterns as before (lack of open and honest communication) <hr></blockquote><p>Once he feels or sees a change in you and knows that you are commited to saving your marriage then he will probably come around. <p>You are in for a bumpy ride hang on and be patient. He still may go through a real problem with withdrawls from the OW.<p>Keep your head up, I will check up on you later [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

If you read the great book "Torn Asuner," you'll see why you HAVE to express your feelings and ask the questions you want answered. If you put if off, it will probably come back much worse later. I found this out thru experience and believe me, it's much worse later. There is also an excellent article called Shattered Vows at find articles.com (by Psychology Today) that also explains the importance of honest communication about the affair. YOu are hurting and you need to take care of your feelings and get the answers you want. Good luck!

i agree that you need possitive support-our own minds do enough damage- i too found out about h affair right before the holodays in dec. it was horrible. he didnt understand my "indepth" questions. i asked things that would make a normal person cringe. the first time i questioned him he answered them. i found out a month later most were lies anyway. i found this out because he finally was radically honest with me. you cannot force this-remember if he cares at all he isnt wanting to hurt you further-or humiliate himself anymore than neccesary. i explained my need this way- what i know can no longer hurt me- the things i dont know are the things that will come out eventually and hurt me further. my head is like a filing cabinet-what i know can be filed away. when i get a bad thought or question it pops into my head with about a thousand different scenarios- by knowing i can say Yes this is what happened, the hell with the rest of the scenarios and put the thought away. i dont dwell on what i know because it happened and all the wishing and praying in the world wont change it. its the stuff that i dont know that bothers me. so now when i have a question or thought that cant be filed- i ask. (the look on his face is priceless everytime i say"can i ask you something?" we now laugh about "the look") the thing you have to do is prepare yourself for answers that are going to hurt. you cannot react with anything but appreciation for the honesty. keep your anger and hurt incheck and vent here instead. he has to feel safe to give you the truth. good luck

Thanks for the support.<p>We have been together for almost 6 years, so even though it was just into our marriage, I still feel that we also share many good times, and I want to try and work on things. He has apologized repeatedly, and has some things that he needs to sort out and work through, and we have things to improve on in the marriage as well.<p>I use the "can I ask you something" question too...he says that he told himself that he would answer all of my questions openly and honestly, so I think that is a good sign. He is definately trying to show me that he still cares about me too (although I think he is in withdrawl). <p>It is definately hard with Valentine's day...I have bought him a card, nothing mushy or that says he's the best, but I didn't want to ignore him either. I was going to buy him a DVD that he has been wanting, but haven't decided on that yet. What did everyone do for holiday times when they just found out? Ignore the holiday? Buy something small?