Hi ThisAlex,<P>as i said the other day i was supposed to go back to Cuba to finish the divorce and get married to this new guy. I never left. I can say that i never left for love, but that is not entirelly true. Like u say, i make other decide for me. Why i do not know, i do not know why i feel so possesed by what others say. I am here, in this forum and i am always thinking " lets see if people can make a decision for me, see whom is the best to go with" and than i see that no one is telling me to leave or to stay, but to try to work on the thing i believe i should.<P>It is hard for me, because of my great insecurity. I can tell that most of the times i do not do decisions, or for comittment to others or for feeling sorry. One example of that was when i meet my OM, he ask me to marry him, i was not sure, but i said yes, i would. Than i finish it with my husband by telling him i was not coming home. SO, what i cannot understand is, Why if i was not sure, i said to this guy YES and my husband We are getting a divorce.<P>Life is complicated, but since i am in here writting, i have been learning a lot, one of those things that yoy had though me is what i am writting today.<P>You as Mexican should no that most Latin people do not forgive infidelity, and you know what my husband says about all this? " Lety, take a look around you and your country and culture and tell me what is the percent of divorce, of childs like you that wish to have a father with them, tell me how many peoplo are suffering because of pride have lost the one they love the most. They had not shown nothing else but weekness. The W/H that sheated shwed their weekness, but also the one that left, that did not had the strengh to try to understand the other partner wekness"<P>He had told me this so many times and i never really understood until today. I always said " i want to be like my grandparents, they lived 50 years together, well married. he cheated on her, she suffered but at the end, they left eachother withing 3 months. I mean they died. And my motyher says, but mom suffered alot. nad now i said, and how much more are not we suffering?<P>About making decisions about my self, i wish i could find the strengh to do it, i guess with time i will learn it. The reazon of those indecision i know are because of the way i lived, and i also know that i tried to blame others for my mistake while i am the only one responsibly for what i do and do not. I understand exactly my problem, and that that problem is messing up my life, the hard part is to get it over, stand up one day and say. " I want to do this, i will do it and will not let other take control over me" but than my insecurity, my fear of doing it stops me.<P>as i came here, i was looking for advise, for decisions that strangers could take for me, right now, today, i am beggining to be here just to open up my feelings, to learn from experienced people and so that at the end of some time the decision could be mine.<P>I thank you ThisAlex, because you have been talking to me and have helped me without making decisions for me. I thank you because, although you got your own problems to solve you had taken your time to help me out. <P>I am beggining to understand my self a little bit more. i know i cannot change from one day to the other but surelly i can learn about my self so that what i learn can help in the future to do what i should do.<P>I thank God that i have the desire to look for help, and help that does good.<P>Thanks.<P>I love you al too, because although i am not getting many responses i do read those post and the answeers and that makes me think more about me.<P>Leticia.

Hi Leticia,<P>Just drop by to see how things were going. How did you manage to stay without going to Cuba? Do you know who went to Cuba instead of you? My W!!! (It's supposed to be a joke- we need some laugh, too).<P>You can make it, Leticia, you are beginning to open your eyes to understand the most important person in your life: you.<P>I have to leave now; I'll post another reply tonight.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Leticia,<P>Have to think it over, can't give you an opinion now. Don't expect too much from me right now... I feel really bad, I miss her- she is out of town. Like an old friend used to say "don't tell me all those nice things, just let me enjoy my misery". I guess we all have some of this.<P>Take care of yourself.<P>Alex<BR><P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Hi Leticia,<P>I hope that you are doing better. It seems that is just you & me in this post. PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY LIKE A MAGIC RECIPE. Right now I am struggling to manage my own life, and cannot take responsibility for any other one, except my daughter's.<P>I insist that you go to counseling and/or start reading more material that can be helpful. You can begin with small decisions, like instead of asking, "how do I look?" decide what you're wearing without asking for help. Same when buying clothes or when going to a restaurant. I don't know if these small examples apply to you, but the point is to start making easy decisions, the type whose outcome won't affect anybody negatively.<P>At the same time you probably need to make plans. Daydream: write a letter to Santa. I.e. How would you like to be in one year (later you can plan for 5 or even 10 years but for now let's start with just one year… to long? OK one month then. Include: financial status, relationship with your H and friends (don't have any? then look for one… JUST A FRIEND)… include anything that you feel is important and if you don't get where you want do not worry, keep going without being too hard on yourself.<P>Life is not complicated, life IS what we make out of it (and yes, sometimes we make it complicated). Most Latin people don't forgive infidelity? I don't know, I guess that's primarily in the movies. About the percentage of divorce in the US & Canada it's higher than in Latin countries, but then one of the reasons is what you mentioned in your grandparents 50-year life together- he cheats, she remains silent. I remember my compadre's brother who cheated on his wife all the time, or the typical macho man in a nearby colonial city- the wife would say "as long as he provides for the children & me and is not showing off the lover in the streets it's OK with me- men have their needs".<P>Love is blind they say, I would add that it's also deaf… we tend ignore signals that something is wrong and always try to justify them… "he's just tired, I didn't sleep well, I haven't felt good lately" Then one day we way up and being betrayed or are betrayers.<P>Go through the list of emotional needs with your husband, probably love can grow out your relationship while trying to satisfy each other emotional needs (just don't be his slave). If love doesn't grow perhaps you'll find that your best friend has been sleeping next to you all these years. Or perhaps you'll walk out of a bad relationship on your own… not because anyone else is asking you to do so.<P>I understand that because of your immigration status some decisions are harder to accomplish, you have to learn too about how to stay (if you want to stay) without giving up your self.<P>Take care & welcome back.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn