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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 3
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Joined: Feb 2002
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Hi everyone - <p>this is a great support. So - three weeks ago - found out - trying to move on. Hard - WS wants to give it a month and then sit down and answer each other's questions. I find I am generally ok - but every once in awhile I rember and it;s like someone slapped me out of it.... I worry that because he feels I didn't meet his needs, the first big argument - he will be out the door. I guess I have moved to the hugely insecure phase - which is easy to do when you just had a baby (3 weeks ago) I;m not sur eif I have a question - or just need to vent - I fear it was more involved then he let on (it lasted 2 months - he says he didn't love he r- I think he did) and he gets down a lot citing it;s nothing however - does he miss her? Am I not cutting it for him? Does he really want to stay? I want to move on from this - I a mhaving a hard time. I know it;s only been 3 weeks - but it;s hard when I can't talk to him about it.

Joined: May 2000
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M
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Joined: May 2000
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Welcome!<p>You are asking a lot of the right questions, and your H is saying a lot of the right things. Be thankful that at least the physical affair seems to be over.<p>Read the post here, "A General Welcome For New Builders", and I highly recommend phone counseling with the Harleys, even if it is just you alone initially. <p>Best wishes (and congrats on the new little one!),<p>Mike

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,516
J
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Waiting a month may be a blessing in disguise. Right now you are having so many conflicting emotions running wild with the discovery, plus the normal wear and tear of new motherhood. (Congrats on the new babe.)<p>You may want to start writing in a journal. It can help clear your head and let you know what questions you really do want answered. (There are a lot of the details that no one really needs, but often we think we do in the beginning.) <p>If your H has stopped all contact with this woman and is now being very supportive and doing whatever is necessary to quiet your fears...just try to take a deep breathe and get your thoughts in order and some of your emotions under control (hard I know).<p>When the month is up and you and he sit down to discuss what happened and the "famous why" question, be prepared for a lot of unknowns. Usually we as betrayed never get a satisfactory answer to why...it is something most of us have learned to accept. He may do his best to answer you, but it will always seem as if there were so many other options he could have pursued. So beware. <p>Do your best to give him a safe environment in which to talk to you. It is hard for them to be truthful...they feel that by continuing to lie on matters that they are protecting us from further hurt. Be very sure to let him know that this is the worst thing he can do...giving you the truth is the greatest and strongest tool he has for reclaiming the trust he has now lost and rebuilding a stronger, more honest, and healthier marriage. The flipside to this is that you MUST be able to handle the truth...remember this is HIS truth, it may not necessarily be YOUR truth. We each have our own truth and we act on that basis, but the real truth usually lies somewhere in between. <p>Good Luck to you and your H on finding your healing path. And once again...congrats on the beautiful new life you two now share.


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