Just stumbled across this web site, so I'm new to all the lingo, acronyms, etc. Anyway, here goes.<p>Found out on 2/6 that my wife of 23 years has been having an affair for at least 2 1/2 years. She is the one and only love of my life. We met in high school, and I always knew with certainty that God made us for each other. I always figured our marriage was better than most, as we often were "teased" about acting like newlyweds. I am absolutely devastated. <p>To make matters worse, she and the OM (I'm learning) are on staff together at our church - she runs the children's ministries and he's the minister of music. I was in the choir until I found out, so I know him very well. I can't talk to any friends about this because they're all fellow church members and I don't want this exposed and see the church ripped apart.<p>My wife has resigned, citing health issues, and has started seeing a therapist. Her friends are being very supportive, but they don't know what's behind everything. She seems genuinely sorry, but maybe only because they were discovered. She has revealed enough of the details of the A to paint a very painful picture, and I'm pretty sure it's worse than what she has revealed so far. I am battling the images of them together and am having a real hard time of it. My wife has tried to be more affectionate and attentive in the days since all was revealed, but I suspect that may in part be a result of the fear she has of losing everything.<p>Anger is a foreign emotion to me and I am trying to stay as composed as possible because I don't want this to end up in divorce the way her parents did (several times over). The divorce cycle has to stop sometime so my college-age boys know what commitment in marriage means.<p>I need prayers right now to make it through a day at a time. I feel like an invisible man - I can walk among people but none of them can see my excruciating pain.

shattered in SF,
Welcome to MB. You are not alone. If you read the post in here, there many BS suffers the pain of A and some of us successful in rebuilding our M. You have come to the right site, as a Christian, you will see that the concept of Emotional Need is not foreign to us, we have been instructed to fullfill it for our spouse. Please follow the links on my signature to learn more about MB. Learn as much as you can about MB, get busy to whither the pain. Learn about EN, LB, LB$ and plan A/B. Read SAA.<p>One thing that you learn here, We contribute creating environment for W to look some where else. It takes two to tango. Learn as much as you can and identify her issues in your M. Those are the basis for your plan A.<p>Also you need to get your support system. Talk to the pastor in your church or very close family, you need them. You do not need to walk alone. In here you will find BS as well as WS that tries to help out.<p>It seems that your W is remorse and willing to work on M. You are in much better shape than most of us. Also if you could afford it, call MB and tries to get conseling together w/ W. The road to recovery is very narrow.<p>Post back for updates or some questions.<p>BTW: SF, as in San Francisco ?.

Hi, <p>Welcome to MB. Redhat has great threads in his sig line. Read the one about the 5 stages of grieving, that one helped me. Your pain is great. We know. You are in a better position than most if your W has stopped the A. <p>Now it is up to you to learn the most you can here and put them into practice. Check out my user on the General QuestionsII site, there is a thread welcoming new ones to MB with all the links. It is a lot to read but worth the effort. <p>If you are in the SF CA area, there are some of us MBers here. You don't have to say if you don't want to. Also phone counseling is available from Steve Harley and Jennifer C. <p>Read and post, you came to a good place. <p>L.

If you are not comfortable talking with your pastor, seek a professional counselor...you need this to help you deal with all the tumultuous emotions you are experiencing now.<p>It does sound as if your wife loves you and wants to work on the marriage...in my opinion, that gets you halfway home to recovery. <p>Read the site as redhat suggested...it's great...show it to your wife...read it together. Do the Emotional Needs Quiz, it can turn on a lot of light bulbs for you.<p>And come talk to us...you just found dozens of new friends that only care about you and your happiness.

Thanks to all for your encouragement so early on in the process. Reading your words of advice and the stories from others who share the same pain I am experiencing has helped considerably. We "newbies" really appreciate your shared wisdom in this awful situation.<p>I see hope today where I didn't yesterday. My wife and I had a good discussion this morning about what I discovered at MB last night and she is willing to work through everything with me. She said the A had really wound down a while ago and she feels relieved that she doesn't have to hide things from me anymore. Our son came home from college today for a visit, and I knew as soon as I hugged him that we have so many reasons to get things back on track. We both are going to meet with her therapist on Monday - WW knows she needs help to figure out why she did what she did. I'll let you know how it goes. <p>Thanks again for getting me through another day.

Shattered,
The hope you feel is a blessing! That your W is working with you to resolve this...I'd say your prognosis is very good! Both of you, read everything on this site--it saved my marriage, I have no doubt. Be good to each other, both of you, you can get through this. Make yourselves the best "you's" you can be, and you won't be able resist each other! If you love each other, and work together to affirm it, you can overcome and totally demolish the past. My best wishes and prayers to you both!

I can certainly see and understand your desire to not rip the church apart but I wonder if you are doing the right thing by not talking to the pastor in a confidential manner.<p>What the OM did likely violates many tenets of your church and it is likely an abuse of his position (perhaps an abuse of his position of authority). I feel that you may need to tell the pastor (and only the pastor) because in all honesty, you don't know if the OMs behavior is isolated to your wife. This may be a pattern of behavior with the OM. The pastor may take no action or he may simply counsel the OM but I think the pastor should know what is going on in his church. These things have a way of leaking out to others and if the pastor knows, he may be able to take steps to keep it from destroying the church.<p>You guys may also want to find another church. It is very important that they not see each other again.

SISF....I was happy to see your last post. The fact that your W is showing real remorse is GREAT! You sound as if you are both committed to making a better, more loving, stronger and healthier marriage. IT CAN BE DONE!<p>I agree with Longing. You should find another church where the two of you are comfortable and where the OP is no longer in your face or hers. Staying would be very counter-productive to finding the healing path for each of you. As to telling your minister...maybe. Depending on how close the two of you are, plus if you feel comfortable doing so. While I agree that the minister may NEED to know to sheppard his flock in the right direction, I am more concerned as to how you feel about him/her knowing. So will leave that decision in your capable hands.<p>The fact that your W said the affair was already ending may have helped in your discovery of it. My H basically allowed me to discover his, as he was ready to end the nightmare he had created, but was too much of a coward to face being responsible for doing so. jmho So, she may be in the perfect place in her mind/emotions to fullfill her responsiblity for rebuilding the marriage WITH you.<p>Good Luck on your healing path!

SISF,<p>Another person from the bay area checking in. I would like to say a few things to you. First, I would strongly recommend two books for you to read. Not surprisingly they are by one of the founders of this site, but be assured we aren't on the payroll. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The first is called Surviving an Affair by Harley and the second is His Needs Her Needs by Harley.<p>The first I think will help you and perhaps your W address the why's, how's, and the what to expect's from this devastating news. The second will address how to make your marriage a bit more affair proof.<p>THey are both easy to read and very focused on procedural things. An approach that I think is very refreshing and useful to someone in your situation.<p>I have a few questions for you. How did you find out? Has your W be honest with you? "Radical honesty" is a major item on this site. Does the OM know that you know? IF so what has his reaction been?<p>You say you have college age children, I do as well. You are wise to try and save the marriage for them. I think divorce hurts this age more than younger children. <p>SISF, you are going to go on a roller coaster ride and so is your W. THere will be days where you won't be certain you are doing the right thing. There will be days where you are so unsure of yourself and your W's love for you. There will be days where you feel tremendous anger.<p>All of it is normal. <p>Your W will be on her own roller coaster and will need your help more than you imagine. She will also very likely become hard to live with as more information comes out about her affair and why she had it.<p>Rest assured you and your M can survive this. Many here have. So do some reading, keep posting and asking questions, and certainly post to help others here as well.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks for the latest advice. Here's an update:<p>We agreed that the first step was for her to end her employment at the church as quickly and gracefully as possible. She cited health concerns in her resignation letter. We cleared out her office Sunday afternoon, and tonight she goes before the elders, etc. for closure. After tonight we can begin to start repairing/healing our marriage in earnest.<p>I had sent an e-mail to the OM the day after D-Day to tell him why I was dropping out of the choir, what I thought of his despicable behavior, etc., and told him he needed to plan an exit strategy as soon as possible. I wasn't real nice about it - his reply was that he didn't blame me for feeling the way I do and that he really does care about me. Yeah, RIGHT! Anyway, I think he's going to leave in the Spring - June at latest. If he follows through, I don't plan on telling the Senior Pastor. We're good friends, and I'm not sure he could handle it too well. We are not planning to attend church there unless OM happens to be gone that Sunday. BTW, OM has done this before (not in the church)- his current W was the OW last time! <p>Yesterday I met with W's therapist separately and then with W. First time I've been able to talk to anyone about it face to face - I think I'll continue. Basically, my W reiterated her remorse, said she knows she was selfish and that I did nothing to warrant her doing what she did and causing me so much pain - although I know something must have been missing or she wouldn't have strayed. Her therapist wants to get to the root of W's problems (she comes from a very dysfunctional family)and then start both of us in marriage counseling. I guess things are progressing as well as can be expected - still waking up to images at night - can't stand it!<p>As far as how I discovered the A, I found an envelope on my driveway when W was out of town, saying she wasn't being faithful to me. No names, completely anonymous, so I threw it away figuring it was a sick, juvenile prank. The next day I was paying bills and noticed a very large check had been written on W's account, and I immediately flashed on the note and thought "blackmail". When W returned the next day, I asked her about the check - turns out is was for some diamond earrings. I told her I wasn't too pleased with the secret purchase, but that I was relieved it wasn't what I was fearing. At that point, I pulled the note out of the garbage and showed it to her, thinking we would have a good laugh about it, but then W started acting defensive and scared, so I knew something was up. She spilled out most of the details of the A the next morning. She lives in fear that more notes may come, maybe up at the church, exposing everything. I still think it might have been a prank - just ironic that it was on target. Well, we'll see. <p>We are going to sit down in the next couple days for an honesty session - need your prayers for that one! Also have ordered SAA and some other materials to help us.<p>Thanks for listening and caring. I plan to reciprocate when I'm less damaged. I still love my family, still hopeful for complete restoration of my M.

shattered in SF,
Follow through MB, their principal is right on the Bible's. About Emotional Needs that we are bound to fill in for our spouses. With 4 rules of recovery or sometime MB calls it 4 giftes of love, you will not only restore your M but a better M, since you old M brings A. Follow the step to recovery, your M will be bless with love and care.<p>Also, there is MB seminar that come to town near by.<p>I am happy that your W sees that she has a lot too loose and the fog dries up. However make sure you are there for her since there will be a withdrawal period.<p>God bless you.

SISF,<p>Don't be so sure the letter was a prank. In fact, the odds are high that someone at the church knew of the affair and let you know. It could even be the OM's W. That strategy has been used and discussed here many times.<p>Whoever, it was did you a hugh favor. Hopefully, as your Marriage recovers your W will figure out why she did what she did. That will really help you. As for the OM, are you sure June is soon enough??? <p>I realize that your W would be greatly embarassed but this man will move on to someone else. <p>Still in all it sounds like the situation is moving along about as expected. Keep posting and God Bless,<p>JL

Note could have been from a friend to tip me off, I suppose. Not from OM's wife - she doesn't know and would totally freak out very publically.<p>As far as him leaving in June, it would be really odd if he left before the church's Spring concert. Also, if he leaves too soon after my W, it would certainly raise some suspicions. A little complicated, I guess. Takin' it one day at a time.