Okay, here's my story....My husband has been having friendships with women for awhile. He's a good listener and very empathetic, and this makes him attractive to them. No matter how much I protested, he always assured me that I was the love of his life, his reason for living,etc. This made me feel very secure.<p>Recently, he has been spending all of his free time with a woman from work to the point of missing out on some of our family activities, including my daughter's concert. One night, when I was waiting for him to come home and he had not arrived by 11pm, I called the cell phone to find out where he was. He was shopping with the other woman. I told him to come home immediately. He took his time. When he finally arrived, I told him if he valued his marriage,he would stop seeing this woman.<p>He left for a trip the next day. When he came back, he was very withdrawn. I finally asked him if he would please talk to me about what was going on, and he sat me down and told me he could not stop seeing this woman. She made him happy, and he hasn't been happy since "one week after we were married." We've been married over 18 years. I am completely destroyed.<p>We have 2 children. I am bending over backwards to show him how much I love him, sort of a Plan A. We have started marriage counseling. But he still insists that he needs to leave. The counselor told him whatever he is running away from, the answer will not be found in another relationship. He says I have no sense of adventure, and the other woman does, and he needs that. In my mind, he just doesn't want responsibility. I've taken on all the responsibilites in this marriage from day one, and he has pretty much led a bachelor's life. Everytime I try to get him to take responsibility, he makes my life miserable. So, I know I'm at fault in this relationship, too.<p>I'm not willing to give him a divorce--we are Catholic, and I'm very much against it. He claims to be a devout Catholic and would never let me use birth control but has no problem with divorcing and having an affair--go figure!<p>I'm also afraid of Plan B. All my family and his family, who have been very supportive of me, are close by, so I can't really move away. I don't want to take the kids away from their friends, when they will need support, too, once they find out. And, I don't want to give my husband permission to have the affair, which has not reached a sexual stage yet. <p>Thanks for listening. I really have no friends that I can confide in at this point. My family is my only support system, and my husband was my only confidante. I'm really at a loss at how to survive.<p>camp83

dear camp- so sorry you have to be here-but glad you found us. first off have you read any of the books- surviving an affair or his needs her needs? these are good places to start. also read everything you can on this site. it will help give you a better understanding of what you and he are going through and up against. dont make any sudden decisions in the state you are in-it takes time and patience to get through all this. today seems slow here and not a lot of people posting- be patient with us, keep posting here and get your feelings out and vent here. also ask all the questions you want. it is a very diffacult time- unfortunately i know too well. i am here and sending you hugs and strength. start reading and others may jump in with more advice.

camp...
The length of my marriage pales to yours of course, but I can identify with your pain. The anguish of betrayal, guilt, lonelyness and all other emotions still overwhelm everything else sometimes.<p>You can't help think back to all the promises made and loving gestures our WS' made since and that now all seem tarnished. <p>Please don't let that happen. WS' clouded by emotions can often rewrite history to suit their own emotional state. My wife went as far as to discount the fact that she ever loved me in the beginning. But I remember her loving words. I have her heartfelt letters and cards. Our pictures. I remember the looking in her eyes which I have not seen since the A. <p>Don't let you husband twist your memories. He is confused.. or as they say here "fogged" . He like my WW may say they are thinking clearly or see things for the first time in a while. But in reality they are most confused than ever. WS have a knack for trying to re-write history.
You H can say whatever he believes now, it doesnt make it true. Your good memories are your own, hold onto them to give you strength and remember what you are fighting for.<p>I don't know why WS' seem to try to often try to use religion to justify their affairs. My WS asked God to help her choose. Choose what?! i often asked myself. It just goes to prove how out of touch with reality sometimes the affair can get.<p>
I know whatyou mean, my wife was my center my emotional anchor too. So its hard to deal with this all w/o the one person who has helped you through tough times inthe past. But your own strength is sometimes hidden. You can get through this. Your friends andfamily and sometimes posting here can help you do it. An individual couselor sometimes helps as well. or seeing your MC on your own to just talk.. sometimes you cant let things out that NEED to be let out in joint counseling.<p>
Remember to breathe.<p>-HI<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Since both of you are normally devout, have you considered counseling with your priest, insead of a regular counselor? Either together and/or individually? You in a long term marriage which often means there is an area of growth in different directions while busy raising a family and other outside stresses. The re-writing of history is something that the betrayers do to justify to themselves what is unjustifiable. They know it's a lie, but it is a comforting lie which allows them the space to do what they know is wrong. It doesn't last! The lies they tell themselves are the most damaging in the long run.<p>His continuing statements that he needs to leave is his attempt to keep "the lie" from facing the light of day. If he admits that he doesn't "need" to leave, he'll have to face the lie he told to himself. There is also, much confusion on his part. He's doing/saying things that he has never done before. He's got the "high" of something new and excititng, without all the baggage of histroy, responsibility, and emotional cost. He's the "star" in his own "play" and he has cast himself as the hero with no shortcomings, no feet of clay. It's a hard role to bow out of.<p>Give YOURSELF time. Which also, does give him time. Keep your commitment to the marriage, allow him to see and know that you are still in love with him, you wish to continue in the marriage, and are willing to work TOGETHER on making a healthier, more loving, more supportive, and if needed more adventurous marriage. There is still so much for the two of you to discover TOGETHER...and you want to grow and share the joys with him.<p>Good Luck!

I really appreciate all the supportive replies. I have read just about all the info available on this site. <p>I know my husband really loves me. I know he's rewriting our history to make himself feel better. But, I find it so painful to reflect on our past. I've really gotten into scrapbooking lately, and I almost can't stand to look at pictures just taken recently and know that he claims he wasn't really happy when he looks so happy. I think of our last vacation when we laughed so hard, we cried. <p>I want to get some of the books from this site, but I went to the library the other day to find some books that I could read immediately. When I got them and went to pull them to check out, I got so shaky, I thought I would pass out, so I put them back. Am I nuts?<p>I'm calling a priest today to talk to him. I don't think my husband will agree to go. His parents came to confront him over the weekend and ask him to take a retreat, but he got so angry, he left the house. I know he just cannot face the fact that he has done something he regrets. But, I told him, no matter where he goes he still has to live with himself. Until he can do that, he'll never be happy.<p>We have another counseling session this afternoon. I hope it will help him open his eyes and his heart a little more.<p>Thanks, again, for your support.<p>camp83

Camp...I can understand your reaction to getting the books. But overcome it! It's being ashamed to have the woman/man at the counter know what you are checking out! I also waited longer then I ever should have to start reading self-help books! If it really is something you just can NOT handle, then surf the net and buy on line (www.BarnesandNobles.com comes to mind)...that way you don't have to see anyones face. The books recommended here are GREAT! They will help you deal with much that is coming on this rocky path with all it's twist, turns, and blind alleys. I also always recommend "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy Handbook" by David D. Burns, MD, which is NOT about affairs. But about overcoming depression, which is something we all share and suffer from when faced with this. The books are to HELP YOU! They are not about saving your marriage, although they may very well guide and support you to that end, they are for guideing you to peace and understand and acceptance.<p>While I understand his parents reaction, it wasn't the best thing to do in front of you. You should have been left out of this confrontation with them. It may be wise to let anyone else who might confront him negatively to do so when you are NOT involved. It will force him (from his POV) to defending himself in front of you instead of listening to what they have to say. There will always be a part of his mind which feels that they are saying/doing this because of YOU. You do not want this to become an issue of "everyone is with me" and "you're all alone against us all". Plus it will push him to feel that much closer to the only one who is "on his side"...the last thing you want.<p>Even if H is unwilling at this time to go counsel with your priest, it may help you to have someone who you can speak freely with and without worrying about how your words will be taken by your H. And later, if your H should change his mind, a real possiblity, then you've already got the "ball rolling".<p>I hope that your counseling session goes well today. Do NOT expect any "lightbulb" moments to go off. LISTEN to what he has to say. (The hardest lesson I had to learn in all this and one I still struggle with.) I did learn that if I just keep my own mouth closed (very very hard to do for me) that my silence will often keep words coming out of his mouth. It's amazing what I have discovered by doing this. <p>Praying that you find your healing path!

Our second counseling session went very badly. The counselor suggested that H has never grown up and wants what he wants when he wants it. When he doesn't get it, he has a temper tantrum. MC believes his leaving is just another temper tantrum to get what he wants. This made my husband very angry again, and now he won't go back to counseling. He's determined to leave, has asked his sister to stay with her, and is chomping at the bit to tell the kids. Fortunately, or unfortunately, as the case may be, my son is out of town on retreat until Wed night. <p>The MC also wants me to get on anti-depressants. I haven't been able to stop crying for two weeks now and have had to miss a lot of work, which is very unusual for me. She suggested going back to work full-time so I don't have to depend on him financially and to protect myself from possible bad debts he may incur while out on his own. I'm trying to contact someone with Legal Aid about this, but not having much luck.<p>I'm going to continue counseling myself just because I need someone to talk to besides my poor mother who is worried sick about me. My daughter is now having to start counseling because she's started having anxiety attacks.<p>I will order the books suggested online. I'm so depressed, though, I can't seem to do much of anything except sit in front of the TV & vegetate.<p>Thanks for listening...<p>camp83

Camp...I'll have to admit, while I may agree with your counselor, I'm not to sure I like what he/she said. The counseling is to guide you both, not make decisions and judgements about who you are. You might want to look into finding a new one if you can ever get him to agree to go again (this won't be easy).<p>YES. Do follow the advice of the counselor about anti-depression meds. They won't take away the emotions, but will allow you to control your emotions easier and have clearer thoughts. You also will need a good general check up, as we tend to ignore our health and you are under a lot of strain right now. (Usually the betrayed either stop eating and loss unhealthy amounts of weight or else they go the other way and start packing unhealthy amounts on. Beware...you MUST take care of your physical well being so that you have the strength to deal with your emotional state.)<p>You may wish to try a short term "Plan A" and then allow him with your blessing to leave the home and begin "Plan B". Read about both plans here on site.<p>His wanting to inform the children sounds as if he already believes everyone is against him and he is attempting to "burn all his bridges" as he knows how his children will react. Am not for sure how you can combat this self-destructive behavior. If your children are old enough to understand, then be honest with them, but do NOT give them details. Keep those private. Expect them to experience the same emotions that you are feeling. They will be angry at their father for what he is doing, they will also be angry at you (either for wishing to stay with him, or for leaving him, or for not being able to stop him from doing this hurtful thing...won't be fair, but will happen). They'll suffer feelings of betrayal, and will be in much pain and confusion. They will be scared stiff, wondering what has happened to their world/family. Fear will be an overwhelming emotion for them.<p>You may need to get a legal separation just to protect yourself and your children. BUT...that does in no way means that a divorce must follow. Going back to work and focusing on YOU is always a benefit. It gives you options which is something you may have limited at this time. Plus, it takes you off the rollercoaster and gives you much of your power back that you now feel has been taken away from you.<p>Keep posting and keep reading. Do your very best to focus on YOU, not your H, his behavior, his problems. Making you the best you can be is FIRST, then regardless of what happens with him and the choices which the two of you make...you'll be ready to live your life while seeking out your happiness and contentment.

WH is getting his ducks in a row to move out. He got his own checking account yesterday, a PO Box to receive mail in, and his own credit card. He looked for an apt but can't find one he can afford.<p>He seems to be really torn up about this now but I feel he thinks he made the decision to leave and now he has to follow through with it. No matter what I do or say, he just keeps repeating, "You know I'm leaving..." <p>I ordered some books, and I have a doctor's appt today. I was thinking about not going because I thought we were making some progress, but after waking up this morning, WH said it was only a matter of time before he left. He needs to work on himself by himself. How can I convince him he needs help and support through this journey? How can I provide that support without losing the little self esteem I have?<p>Thanks for listening...<p>camp83

Camp,
I so remember those days in the beginning. Cant eat, cant sleep, its awful.
It helped me to work, it was the only place I felt semi-normal, at home I was no good to the kids or myself.
I would like to suggest "torn assunder" by Carder it helped me a lot and I wish I would have had it day1.
Do not try to dissect words your H is saying. Like many have said here, pretend an alien has taken over his brain. He needs to justify his actions any way he can and you will be a prime target.
step back from what he is saying/doing and plan what you are doing, you are the only one you can control in this. You are doing a fine job so far,really you are.
You are not alone.
as someone here says - you may not like your situation, but you can like yourself in it.

Now it's been 3 weeks since my WH gave me the news. Yesterday, he came home from work in a very strange mood. I knew something had changed. He left for awhile and when he came back he was in tears. He sat me down and said, "I have to tell you something that's going to upset you. I have to get out of here. I'm leaving today. I'm telling the kids now. All the feelings I've ever felt for you are out of obligation, and a marriage can't be based on that." With that, he called the kids into our bedroom, told them he had been unhappy for years, and left. We were all devastated. <p>I talked to the kids for awhile, taking care not to say anything bad about their father. A couple of hours later, WH was back, still in tears. He broke it off with OW but still will not come back. He says he wants a divorce now to get it over with. Then he left again. <p>My parents came over to check on me, even though they were leaving for vacation in a matter of hours. Once they left, WH was back again in tears--"I have no home!" I told him this was his home, this was where the people who loved him were. He fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours and left again around 10 pm. <p>The kids slept at friends' houses, so I was all alone all night, and now my parents are gone for a week. I feel so completely abandoned, I don't know how I'll get through today. How can I face work tomorrow? I don't want a divorce; WH won't even consider going on a marriage retreat with me. I don't know what to do....<p>camp83

This is deja vu for me. <p>My husband did exactly the same thing to me - but 6 months ago. I'll try to give you the benefit of hindsight for what it's worth.<p>First, while you're ordering books, "Dumped" is a good one. I wish I would have had it in the beginning because that is basically what has happened. One day you're happily married the next you're not.<p>Anyway, it's true what the counselor said about your husband - a realization that it took me 6 months to make. H never grew up. <p>What is happening right now is classic from the surviving an affair book as far as H's emotions are, but in "Dumped" it explained things a little bit better. H's behavior is not new and different. He's running just as fast as he can to try and remove himself from a situation wher ehe is feeling tremendous guilt and hurt(both caused by him). <p>It's typical for him to say that he's never been happy - they all say that, but of course we know it's not true. Right now your husband is definitely in a "fog", his own world with his own reality. He doesn't see how much he is hurting everyone around him, and that is also common for a WH (wayward husband).<p>Of course this makes it very challenging to deal with hime, and the first few weeks are the hardest to deal with.<p>Suggestions, first, create a support system for you and your children - family, friends, counselor, priest, and most importantly God.<p>Second, don't rush into anything, and don't let him push you into anything. Get counseling on your rights, and protect your finances, but know that emotions will cool off and you don't want him or you making any decisions that either of you may regret.<p>Don't beg adn plead for his return or try to talk religious sense into him - my H left me pregnant with child #4 and is taking our kids out with the OW while we speak - and I'll be giving birth on Wed. And H still goes to church, takes communion and says that he's a good person. So know that logic, God, nothing will get through to him right now, especially if you say it.<p>Since you're Catholic, I'll pass this along to you, someone gave me the Mother of Mercy, A Rosary of Healing CD with Dana and Fr. Kevin Scallon and it has saved my life. I listen to it in the car, at home etc. I needed a rejuvination of my faith and believe me this episode has really given me a spiritual shot in the arm. Never forget the POWER of PRAYER. I'm serious. Everyone I know is praying for us, adn even if H doesn't return, I know that the peace and sanity that I have is directly a result of the prayers that I'm receiving. Put yourself on the parish prayer line. <p>Find some prayers to start out with that yu're comfortable with. I would pick a novena of a special saint, and ask for strength in my and the kids suffering, strength to do God's will and conversion for my H. God always wants conversion. And I have to say, every time that I was about ready to just give up and die, God always rescued me from my dispair. <p>Famiy prayer is also a good thing too because it helps the kids cope. Also look into counseling for them too. Sometimes they'll open up better to a neutral party. Our Catholic Life Center at the diocese has counseling for reduced rates, and their school also has counseling.<p>Counseling also helped me get through this during the first month and a half. Then I switched to MB counseling, tried Plan A and then when I thought I was about ready to lose all love for my H, I went to Plan B.<p>Now my H is VERY controlling when it came to me adn the kids, more so after he left because he didn't have control over anything else, so he tried to exhert control wher ehe thought he could.<p>Anyway, he was so verbally abusive everytime he didn't get his way that nothing worked and now I'm force to get a court to step in so that the kids can have some stability in their lives and so someone will control the way H behaves toward me. All he does is yell at me adn then if I raise my voice one time he says I'm having a break down - it's awful. <p>Also there is usually a spiritual director in the church parish that can give you some books to help you through this as well as some free counseling. Use thes resources! They will carry you through. I also continued my bible study.<p>I wish there was someting magic to say about helping your WH to come home. But when I Plan A'd he took advantage of it because he was not and still is not emotionally ready to some home. Although he says that if I would have been nicer in the beginning things would have been better??!? Not that I think he would have returned. <p>You know your H better than I. I guess I would try Plan A - it helps you too. Then go to Plan B. Then you can at least say you did all you could, and by that time you will have become a stronger person. You can print out the EN and LB questionaires off of this site and fill them out as if you were your H, and go from there.<p>Then see how H reacts. The point is to give H a feeling that the marriage is a safe place to return because the problems that he thought were there are not longer there. They have to see consistant lasting changes and that's why Plan A last s 3-6 months - it takes that long for them to see changes while they are in the fog. Then at that point you;ll have a better idea of what to do.<p>I wish you didn't have to gi through this too. It's a rough ride, but I have seen tremendous growth in myself and like the person I am now much better than the person I was before this all happened. God will carry you through this - remember Footprints. It's not an easy journey, but take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time - don't look any further than that.<p>You'll make it. God Bless You and Your Family. K

Sorry the previous post was do long. But I also wanted to add that sometimes people are weak and cannot fight off temptation as well as others. <p>This is what I've found with my H. Sin and Satan are real and ready to lead us all astray, and some succumb more easily than others. It's not a failing on your part. Everyone has free will. Just pray that H has the strength to choose God over evil.<p>Remember that MB likens affairs to addictions - so when H does things and says things, pretend he's on drugs and deal with him as if he was. Don't take hurtful things personally and don't try to argue back - it won't change him.<p>I know some of this will not make sense right away, but eventually it will. <p>May God give you Strength, adn remember God never abandons us. K

Thank you so much for your post--I'm going to order "Dumped." I tried getting in touch with a priest that everyone recommended, but he has not called back. I think I will just go to my parish priest and get on the prayer line. Good luck with your delivery. I will be thinking of you Wednesday. God bless you...<p>camp83

Camp,
Just checking on you. I hope you have found some peace in the last few days.
Your husband will keep vasilating until the fog clears so dont try to figure out what he's thinking. Sorry your parents are away, but we are here for you, you are not alone.

Thanks for checking on me, sadprincess. I haven't found any peace yet--in fact, I was up all night last night wondering what my WH was doing. My imagination tends to run wild at night. <p>My son didn't want to go back to school today, but I talked him into it. I called his guidance counselor to talk to him, too. She's a great support for him. <p>I finally told someone at work what happened--I thought I would pass out as the words fell out of my mouth. She was so supportive, though, so that made me feel a little better.<p>My WH says I have to learn to hate him before I can move on. But, I can't do that. I want him to come back. If I'm sad around him, he says he doesn't want to be around someone who cries all the time. If I'm not sad, he figures I don't need him around anyway. I feel like I can't do anything right.<p>This board has been a big help, though. Thanks for listening...<p>camp83

I had a pretty good day yesterday until I came home from work to find my WH home, patting my daughter on the head as she lay on the floor sobbing. He was telling her that a marriage has to be based on more than obligation, and that the only reason he's stayed all these years is that he felt obligated to stay. She was devastated, to say the least.<p>He then went on to tell the kids about his EA, and my son screamed, "I KNEW IT!" He told the kids he needed to find passion in his life and that I had never been able to fill that need. <p>He's now living out of his truck because he doesn't have enough money to get his own apartment. He sleeps on the couch at his sister's house. If he doesn't go to work that day, he just doesn't eat. I keep telling him this is his home, he can eat and sleep here, but he says that's just regressing and he needs to move on.<p>He says he loves me very much and has great respect for me and that I've been a good wife, but something has been missing. He claims to have broken it off with OW. He says he loves me like a sister. When I asked him if he has sex with his sisters, too, he said NO!!! I told him that he loved me like a wife; he just doesn't know what mature love feels like after 18 years of marriage. It can't stay as that infatuation you feel in a new relationship, and that's what he's looking for, I think.<p>This is really wearing me out...<p>camp83

camp83,<p>From a martian point of view, let him and let him settle it with himself. You are doing great, just be there and make sure your kids get the proper emotional supports. How do you battle sin ? ... by doing good. You have a great advice from everyone already. Hang in there.

O Campy,
I am so sorry. It must have torn your heart out to hear him say that.
My H still cannot remember a lot of the stupid things he said in "the fog". When I first found out and I asked him what he was going to do, he looked at me like a 2 year old and said"I guess I will have to give her up"!!!!Like I had taken his toy away!!!!and like he really thought there could be an option to have us both - DUH!!!
When I tell him stuff he said he just giggles and says "I cant believe I said that! It was an alien"
Be strong you are the only one who can think straight now. It's sooo unfair.
Take comfort in the good things about him not being there. Quiet time with kids, less laundry, hot dogs for dinner.Whatever you can think of. Somebody here once said you can eat chocolate for dinner now if you want to!
I am glad you were able to tell someone at work.I hope they can be supportive of you.
You are not alone.

WH has been out of the house almost 2 weeks to "get his head straight." He came over Monday night to talk about finances and got very angry about having to support 2 households. I told him he didn't HAVE to do that; it was his own choice. I said I resented having to go back to work full time so he could live somewhere else. And he replied, "I resent all the sh*t I've had to put up with for 20 years!!!!" <p>Today was supposed to be a family night for WH, kids, and I to spend together. He was waiting for me when I got home from picking up the kids and announced that he was now back with OW and wouldn't be coming home. But, he couldn't stand to lose me, so could we just be friends. I had to tell him no--he couldn't continue to use me as a backup. I have cut off communication until he stops seeing OW. He kept trying to hug me and kiss me and make it all better, but I just couldn't take it...He can't have it both ways.<p>I feel awful about the whole thing and what it's done to my family. But the psychiatrist made me feel better today when he said, "I don't know you very well, but one thing I KNOW is true. This is not your fault--you did nothing wrong." When I told him I felt like I did nothing right, he said, "You have two great, healthy children, and you were your family's sole support till 1999 when your husband graduated. You've obviously done SOMETHING right!"<p>camp83