I'm so numb now it's not even funny. I've posted on this board a couple of times in the emotional needs section. I try to visit the board at least once a day. My story has been one of ups and downs, all I can see now is down.
We've been married for 3 1/2 years now been together for 6, have a 3 yr old son whom we both adore. Our marriage was more of convenience than for love, even though we both loved each other we were never 'in love'. Our marriage at best was a C-, and the problems we had were more caused by immaturity than anything else (we married at 21). Well we've always had an issue with sex, me not getting it enough and her not wanting it. Tried counselling for about 6 weeks and then she quit saying that she doesn't believe in 'shrinks'. All this time throughout the relationship I never cheated on her, and I didn't think she did either. Last December she wrote me a letter saying she was sexually abused as a child and later when she was a teenager she was raped at gun point by 3 men. My life crumbled. I tried to be as supportive as I could
offering books 'the wounded heart', or paying for a counsellor for her etc. She refused all of them. <p>Well today I was looking for an old picture of our son in her night table drawer, and I found a letter from what looks like her ex-boy friend right before she met me. The letter was dated 12/18/01. And goes on to explain how he has enjoyed every moment they have always had together and that thier relationship was more than just romance, they were soul mates. And every time he sees her his heart is lifted My heart stopped beating. How could she do this to me? I had heard about this guy from her and a couple of her friends when we just started dating and he seemed like a low life. He's a drug dealer as a
matter of fact he's locked up right now for trafficking cocain. Yep he wrote her from prison. At first I was mad, and after I calmed down I started thinking how am I going to get out of this marriage with my sanity. I'm definately going to talk to a lawyer on Tuesday, but at this point I want to play it cool, she doesn't know I know. I want the house, full custody of our son the works. This guy is scheduled to get in april 2003. Any advice?
I can't write any more, I can't see past the tears.

Hi Martinan,<p>Welcome to MB. I am sorry for your situation and its accompanying pain. There have been others in similar situations. Right now we need to get your assignements put out to help you get through this very rough time. We have words like OW/OP/OM, roller coaster, mother ship, abducted by aliens, etc. They are fun words to help balance out the painful events in our lives. <p>Here is a post introducing you to the tools here at MB. Read the basic concepts first and then read the ones you feel are applicable to you. Post your questions, concerns and vent here as often as you need. <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=015609<p>Your life has not eneded, it took a bad turn but you will recover. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Im sure you are questioning your sanity right now,believe me,ive been there myself recently!!
Hang in there,dont do anything out of anger yet,and if you need to,,talk to a therapist or someone. sending you big ((((hugsssss))),,it sure hurts.....Take care of yourself!!

I am sorry for your pain but I am a little confused. You say you found a love letter from an ex boyfriend dated before she even met you. I assume you think the relationship will begin again when he gets out of prison. I would suggest talking to your wife and putting all of the cards on the table. You may wish to try marriage counseling. On the other hand if you are convinced that the marriage will never get any better and you are miserable then I wish you luck in your future.

Bryanp,<p>I found a letter dated December 18th 2001, but she used to date this guy before we met. From what I can gather the two have been seeing each other for a while during our marriage. It looks like he got arrested last June. I also found a bunch of collect calls from that correctional facility dating back to july of last year.

I now understand your position. There are a couple of things I would do. First, immediately get tested for any STD's. This guy is a drug dealer and is now in prison. She was cheating on you with this scumbug and putting your health at risk. I would immediately go to an attorney and understand your options. Your marriage has been unhappy but this really crosses the line. I would confront her and tell her that her life is about to change.
Please get tested immediately. Your wife is a real piece of work. I hope you find future happiness with someone else.

Thanks for all the feed back! She came home from work a few hours ago and I held my cool. I'm not letting her know anything yet. I want more proof, I'm thinking about getting a recorder for the telephone, since this guy seems to call when I'm not at home. I want to make sure that when I ask for the house and custody of our son the judge will have ALL the facts in front of him/her. I'm definately going to see a lawyer next week. This seems like all a dream.
The pain..

{{{{{{{{{{Martinan}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>I am so sorry. I recall your posts from EN. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.<p>Kathi

.<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

Kathi,<p>Thanks for the thought. I don't know what's worse D-day,or waiting to talk to a lawyer before confronting her. I haven't eaten a solid meal since last Saturday. I can't believe she would do this to me. And to think based on the telephone records, this
guy would call from prison when I was home! She sure fooled me... I can't believe the amount of pain that goes with this.<p>Oops, here I go again, I've got to go, I can't see past the tears again.

Update!<p>I still haven't said anything to her yet about D-day, trying to be as normal as possible. I finally got an appointment to see a lawyer this Thursday. I also did something I told myself I wouldn't do, get a telephone recorder. I admit it, I'm still bitter and I want every bit of evidence I can get. At this point I don't want to continue this marriage I feel as if I gave it all I could in the past. I just want out! Hopefully the lawyer will give me some good news on getting the house and custody of our son.<p>Wish me luck.

Another update.<p>I spoke to a lawyer yesterday about my options. He thinks there's a good chance of me getting 51% custody of our son and we split the house. I was going to confront her this weekend, but I decided to wait until next week because our son is sick with sort of stomach virus. Any way I came in last night from the gym around 10:30pm. On the way home she called and asked me to pick up some migraine tablets for her, no problem, I'm still acting as if I don't know anything yet. Well after I gave her the medication she went to bed. I didn't feel like sleeping so I went down stairs to watch some T.V.
I noticed her leather carry case she uses for work on the kitchen counter. I snooped.<p>Maybe I shouldn't have, because what I found left me absolutely sick! There was another letter from the OM, it wasn't dated though but he mentioned to her to have a happy new year and how she was a 'blessing' sent from God! He couldn't imagine being without her, and her friendship. He went on to say that he missed her terribly and that all he could do was fantasize about her and wishing he was right there to touch her, kiss her, and make love to her.<p>There was also a bunch of photograph negatives from what looks like a get together with her and her two best girlfriends on a date with 3 guys. I could make out my wife with her boyfriend in several scenes including one where it looks like she was feeding him some sort of food. I plan on getting the negatives developed today for final proof.<p>I didn't sleep a wink last night, my stomach is sick and I've been throwing up all morning, no tears yet for some reason I think I'm all out.

Just checking in on you. I'm sorry to hear about your new discovery...that must be very painful.<p>Given the problems with your marriage even prior to this, I do understand your wish to end the marriage, rather than try to work thru it. Right now focus on taking care of you and your child. You may want to post some on the divorcing section of the board, if you haven't already, as I think there are some separated dads with similar issues there.<p>Good luck & keep us posted...<p>Kathi

Dear martinan,<p>cyber arm around cyber shoulders, so sorry.<p>Ugh. I'm disgusted for you. Your wife doesn't deserve you. I like the way you are using your head, taking care of yourself, taking care of business. <p>You've gotten good advice here. Some more advice, hope it's good also:<p> Photocopy whatever you find in her briefcase or dresser drawer. If it's not possible to do that in the time available and return the things to exactly where they were before your wife returns home, buy a good camera and take photos of each and every thing you find and keep the photos or disk or whatever they go on in a safe place. This could be useful for the judge.<p>
I don't know what state you live in, and adultery doesn't factor in on judge's decisions in custody in many places, but at least knowing that her boyfriend (ugh) is a drug dealing/drug using felon may help get you custody.

Thanks for the suuport all!<p>My mind is racing.. I have never felt so sick in my entire life. I just want this whole thing to end so that I can begin the healing process. Through all of this, in some twisted way, I still love her. How stupid can one be? We're supposed to be going to a coworker of mine son's wedding later this evening. I don't know if my hypocrisy can go so far. I've got to
keep praying. By the way I got the pictures developed
man, her and her friends are one piece of work, I saw a picture of this guy she's seeing. I would never have pictured her with anybody like that, but then a gain i guess that's why I'm here writing this now..<p>The pain, I wish it would just go away.

martinan:<p>"This whole thing" will go at its own pace. Can you get an Rx to get through the next few weeks from a dr.? Just to keep you steady.<p>We know it hurts. Sometimes you have to find a wall or a bookshelf to lean against. It's physical, emotional, psychic, everything.<p>Make a plan, get Harley counseling, and use the plan as rungs on a ladder. When you start reeling, grab onto the current rung.<p>Find something meaningful in the church or place where the wedding is being held, focus on it and meditate. Maybe that will help.get Harley counseling

Update!<p>I spoke to my wife last night about what she wanted to do regarding the relationship. I asked her if she had ever cheated on me and her response was 'no'. I told I had hoped that she would have come clean and tell me about her affair, but she didn't. I didn't tell her how much I knew, the letters, the pictures nothing. Not even the guy's name. She didn't know what to say, she kept asking me to tell her who I was talking about that she cheated with, which makes me believe that there may have been more than one person. Today we're going to discuss divorce proceedings. Should I tell her everything that I know? I mean she already knows what she did and who she did it with.
Anybody have any suggestions?

At this point I would tell her everything you know and then imply that you know even more. She needs to be confronted once and for all and realize you are not a fool. It is time for her to acknowledge what a cheat and a liar she is. I am sorry for your pain but you deserve so much more in your life than this.

Another update!<p>I confronted wife again, still didn't let her know how much I know. I didn't tell her about the pictures or letters, I did mention the guy's name. As expected she denied any kind of affair, and claims that he only writes every blue moon. I asked her what do they talk about and she replied 'just every day stuff'. I said are you going to come clean and admit that you had an affair,and she replies she hasn't had one and that she is not going to argue about it with me.
The whole time I'm cool and collective never getting loud (yeah I can't believe it either).
So I to let her know that I will be filing for divorce and we basically agreed on spliting the house and custody of our son 50/50. I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to say and she said no. I left to go to the gym.<p>At the gym 45mins later she calls and leaves a message on my cell phone saying that if I want to talk about it to call her, and that she and this guy never had any kind of affair but he may still be in love with her but that's as far as the communication went on between them. I didn't call her back, instead I was sick to my stomach remembering what this guy said in his last letter
about how great the sex was between them. I had to crash at my Mother's house, I couldn't go home.<p>Next day I go by the house and I didn't say a word to her, she went to work and my son and I had a great afternoon together at the park playing ball.<p>So tomorrow I'll call the lawyer and have him proceede with the paper work to get this started.
After the divorce is final I'll show her all the proof I had, the pictures, the letters, everything!

I would like to say, that if I had chosen the path you have: I wouldn't have done anything different!. But, it's not easy and I feel for you.<p>Just wanted to leave you with a little encouragement and I hope things turn out like you want it to.