Hi, I am new here. Please forgive me as I don't quite know all the "lingo". I searched and found this website today by pure chance. Here's what happened that I thought never would.

First off, I am male and 26. Married for a little over 4 years. We've had the most incredible marriage one could ask for. I've been a good provider, a loving husband, and we've shared and discovered several things. We have 2 beautiful boys, 3 and 7. <p> This past year has been rough for us, however. I didn't see her warning signs that she wasn't getting the attention that she needed. I was very comfortable in our marriage and I took everything for granted. My wife is a very shy when it comes to her true feelings. She has several journals and picturebooks from her teen years and childhood. It was like she held on to all the relationships she's had in the past and has never wanted to let them go. It bothered me in the beginning but as time went on I grew to accept her past. She was very proud of her past I can now see. I never once looked through her stuff because I trusted her with all my heart. <p> About a month ago, we had our biggest fight which drew out all of our innermost secrets. She told me that she didn't know if she really wanted to be married and I told her that I was pleasing myself one to two times a day. We almost split up that night but somehow (God's grace) we stayed together. <p> A few days after that fight, she said that a co worker's grandparents were going out of town and they needed someone to care for their ranch and the horses. Of course my loves horses so she wanted to go. With our trust of eachother in limbo, I told her to go and have a good time. She said that it was for Feb 14th, 15th, and 16th, so we were going to plan Valentine's Day a little different this year. I really didn't like it but I wanted to show her my trust. I told her to go.<p> We planned for her departure by making sure I took off the days I needed from my work so that I could watch our boys. We discussed lunches for the boys and what we could do while mommy was gone. <p> Wednesday Feb 13. She had to work until 11am and then had a nail appointment. I took the boys to school and had the morning hours to myself.
I noticed that our bottle of Pur-Silk was gone off our nighttable. I was like, "where the *ell did that go.." It made me nervous as I looked for it. I couldn't find it anywhere. Then I spotted her stuff behind the door all packed up and ready to go. There was a backpack, a carry bag, and a bottle bag. I unzipped the side and found a sex toy that I had NEVER seen before. I looked in the backpack to find 2 journals. I opened them. She had it dated 1-15-02. Two pages of how she longed to see him and how they talked on the phone. She said his voice was sexy and she wondered if he had hair on his chest. OMG, I about puked all over the bedroom. Searching through the rest I found lengerie, candles, the pursilk, tight skirts, and about 15 valentines cards with his name on all of them. I dumped everything out on the bed. <p> I felt like I was shot through the heart. How could she do this to me? I didn't want to see her ever again. I took my ring off and left it at the table. Scared, sick, and confused I called a few friends and went to the bank and closed both our joint accounts. She was due home at noon. I had to leave. This was not real. <p> I need her. She is my life, my campanion, my friend. There are more detals but I don't want to write a novel. She still went out of town but not to meet OM. She said that we both needed time apart and left for next state over. Before she left, we shared a few very passionate kisses. I did not want her to go. She promised and swore to me that she was going to go get a tatoo and to meet a female friend of ours. She was ready to romance OM on Valentine's Day.. and then leave me with the kids so she could sort her head out. I am so devistated by this. There is more. I called her several times on her cell throughout her trip. The first of which I heard our song playing in the background which made me wish she was with me even more. She is supposed to come back tomorrow so we can talk. I need know how to be when she gets here. Please help if you have any suggestions...

Dear needstrength,
Sorry I didn't get to your thread sooner. What parts of the story did you leave out and did your wife come back home yet?<p>Did you leave everything that you found dumped out on the bed? Wow! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How long has her emotional affair been going on? Did she meet this person on the Internet or something? Gosh, I hope she comes to her senses as you don't know WHO the other person really is in cyberland...<p>I hope you are doing okay today? R U O K??

Here, read this: <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am fighting just to keep my wits. I feel like giving up. She did meet him on the internet. What hurts the most is that if I wouldn't have caught her, she would have gone. Obviously, she doesn't want me. I am dying inside. <p> She came back yesterday. I have made a list of issues that needed to be discussed and a list of conditions that must be followed in order for us to save our marriage. I feel like I have to stick to them. If I don't then I am giving up my respect for myself. I fell like doing that anyway...

needstrength...First and foremost...your statement is FALSE! "Obviously, she doesn't want me." That is distorted thinking! There is NOTHING obvious about it at all. Your W made a terrible mistake! Betrayal is seldom about the betrayed. It is about SELF. If anything is obvious in this, is that she is confused and hurting (I know you're hurting, too.). She's screwed up royally and she knows it. I wonder just how relieved she was when you discovered her deception. Considering she could have hidden her bags in a better place then she did. She left a lot of "evidence" around and that is usually a sign of wanting something/someone to put an end to the maddness. She is there with YOU. She doesn't have to be. The hardest thing in the world is facing yourself after a betrayal and facing the one you betrayed. She is NOT taking the easy way out.<p>Conditions? That may or may NOT be a good idea. Yes, there are always some that we as the betrayed need for our own sense of security but remember...YOU can NOT control HER. You can only control yourself. What type of conditions did you list? Be careful in this, plz. It's better to sit down and discuss ALL options and reach an agreement on them instead of listing demands.<p>You caught this before your W made a larger mistake then she already did. This is good. Yes, it is still painful and your heart is breaking into a million pieces, but the two of you working together can overcome this mistake and rebuild a better, more loving and more open/honest marriage.<p>Please, find a good counselor to help both of you deal with the issues that needed to be address in the marriage before the mistake. It's very easy to have those issues overshadowed and ignored because of the pain of betrayal. Of course, the betrayal issue must also be addressed. Having some guidence while you search for your healing path will help you avoid some of the blind alleys and stubbling blocks.<p>Good Luck!

Need - if possible take those conditions and your wife to a counselor. They will help you to be able to work out those details without hostility and a counselor will also help you to determine if you actually NEED some of those conditions or if you are just setting them up for failure.<p>At this stage of the betrayal, we are not rational people. It has been a month since D-day for me and I am still not rational when dealing with this most of the time. I meet my counselor today for my weekly appointment. I would be going insane if I did not have someone I could talk to about this. As it is, I often can't wait until the next time I can talk to my counselor. He helps me sort out all of my conflicting emotions -- something that I am simply not capable of at this time. He also helps me to make sure I don't let myself be a doormat.

Thank you all for your support. All I can think about is how bad I want her. And about all the intimate times we spent together, wondering if we will ever again. I feel like we can work through this but man I have never felt like this before. I called in to work again today. She knows she loves me she says otherwise she wouldn't be here. She doesn't know if she is "in love" with me though. My conditions are strong. I have six of them. 1. no contact with OM. 2. no contact with anyone that is not condoning to our marriage working. 3. No more Everquest (this is the game/chatroom where they met) 4. No lying 5. Finding a councelor 6. to discuss my list of issues that need to be discussed (there are 33 of them)
Today I almost fainted several times. This pain in so unbarable. I considered giving up so many times. Giving up my job, my kids, my wife, my friends, my life. I fear myself now. I don't think I will go kill myself but damn if it doesn't sound better than this.
She is here with me. She does love me. She asked me if I ever feel as though I communicate with my soul mate. That made me feel that she doesn't consider me her's. She didn't say I wasn't though either.
My life has been shrouded in so much pain. I lost my dad to cancer at 15. I lost my best friend when I was 12 due to appendix rupture. My first son was born at 1lb 5oz. My sister got in an accident with a semi truck head on collition. She survived but barely and she lost the baby she was pregnant with. All the money I bring into my household is only possible because I lied on my application four years ago. I am easily temped by marajuana and alchohol. So is she I might add. We both had quit smoking cigs when our son was born. We have both started again.
I am so afraid. When we look at each other, she says "what?" in a soft kind voice but I cant bring myself to say anything. I just want my wife back.

It may take a while, but your W and more importantly yourself are still here, under all the pain and heartbreak. It won't get fixed tomorrow or even the next day. It takes time! (I hated that!) You'll experience emotions that are completely new to you on a level you never knew exsisted. But, then so will your W. Nothing is easy about rebuilding a better marriage under the handicap of betrayal. BUT it is worthwhile! There is REAL hope which the two of you can discover together.<p>For a LONG time, I didn't know who I was and I definitely did not know who I was married to. We became strangers after d-day (discovery day of the affair). I became THE BW (yes captial letters) and I saw him as someone I didn't know and honestly did NOT want to know. As THE BW, I was a b*tch on wheels, how in the world he could continue to love me, I have no idea...I didn't like myself nor did I know who I had become. While it took some getting used to, I did discover the man I married was still there, a little less perfect. And the betrayal has changed us both, not for the better, but not for the worse either. I could never ever again say "He wouldn't cheat on me"....he did! But I stuck by him while he found his way back and he stuck by me while I found my way back.<p>Your list is pretty standard. The NC is the first thing that each of us ask for, and honesty is usually the second. On the honesty issue...it's one of the hardest things to get. It's not just because the W doesn't want to be honest, but they are afraid. They're affraid of causing you more pain, they're affraid of being involved in the "spanish inquistion" as my H called it...yes, he suffered through it and lied like a rug at times. And...they are trying to avoid taking full responsiblity for their actions, by downplaying some aspects, not right but normal. IF you want honesty...be willing to deal with it on a level that will not put your W on the defensive. HARD TO DO! Remember, you may NOT agree with it, but realize that it is how she was feeling or thinking. Doesn't make it right, it just is! Also, be VERY careful of what you ask. Details are not needed. They will only cause you more sorrow when you have enough to deal with at this time. Talk about feelings, her feelings of abandonment (not saying you did this, but that she may well have felt it anyway emotionally), what benefits she felt she was getting from this contact outside the marriage, what avenues of correct behavior the two of you could follow to avoid these pitfalls. Does she want/need/desire you to be more open in your affections, by words, by physical actions, by little loving instances that mean so much to a woman and take such little time and thought...but are often forgotten in the rush of daily living. (She could be at fault in this area, also.) <p>The fact that this was an internet attraction leads me to believe that she THOUGHT she lacked romance on an emotional level. The sharing of ideas and fun without worrying about if the floor needs mopping and the kids are healthy or the bills are paid. <p>It is so very easy to get bogged down in raising a family, making a living, outside commitments, that we as a couple forget to remember just what it is that makes all the rest of it come together...our committment to each other and our love for one another. While I do believe that as a couple we all take each other for granted at times...and hold your breathe...we have a need to do so and a right! But it must be tempered with a lot of NOT doing the taking for granted. We each must always remember why we are together...it wasn't to have a family. It wasn't to get ahead in the world. It wasn't to have friends and co-workers respect and appreciate us. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!!

Originally posted by needstrength:
Thank you all for your support. All I can think about is how bad I want her. And about all the intimate times we spent together, wondering if we will ever again. I feel like we can work through this but man I have never felt like this before. I called in to work again today. She knows she loves me she says otherwise she wouldn't be here. She doesn't know if she is "in love" with me though. My conditions are strong. I have six of them. 1. no contact with OM. 2. no contact with anyone that is not condoning to our marriage working. 3. No more Everquest (this is the game/chatroom where they met) 4. No lying 5. Finding a councelor 6. to discuss my list of issues that need to be discussed (there are 33 of them)<p>I agree on all but #6. Everquest was likely an escape from her marriage (I know, I used to play it as well). #1 is a given and #2 is one that I think many overlook. It certainly was an issue in my marriage. My WW had three accomplices (in form or another) and she has so far agreed to break all non-business related contact from them except for one (we are still working on the last one).<p>A good counselor will know how to address #6. It may not be in your marriage's best interest to cover all 33 immediately. These things take time (and I will be the first to say that I am the most impatient person when it comes to these things - my counselor tells me all the time that I am trying to move to fast).<p> Today I almost fainted several times. This pain in so unbarable. I considered giving up so many times. Giving up my job, my kids, my wife, my friends, my life. I fear myself now. I don't think I will go kill myself but damn if it doesn't sound better than this. <p>Been there, twice. When I found out and when she told me she was leaving me for him. Please, go see your doctor and be placed on anti-depresants.<p> am easily temped by marajuana and alchohol. So is she I might add. We both had quit smoking cigs when our son was born. We have both started again. <p>This is another issue that a counselor (and your doctor) can likely assist with. I cannot stress enough that I could not do this without the assistance of a counselor (and sometimes I have had to go twice a week).<p> am so afraid. When we look at each other, she says "what?" in a soft kind voice but I cant bring myself to say anything. I just want my wife back.<p>It is going to take a long time to get your wife (and your life) back. A counselor will help you to understand this and they can also help you deal with such. This will likely be the most difficult time in your life. All of us BS (betrayed spouses) need all the help we can get at these times. Please explore all such options.

We are not sleeping in our bed right now. Throughout the day I am ok but when night comes I want to cuddle and be warm. My stomach locks up and I cant bare the pain. I have slept in our bed hoping that she will come back and be with me. I don't want to mess with her in our bed, I just want to sleep next to her. You are right that I am finding new emotions. At times I feel love riddled with hate or trust tained by sorrow. We fit together like a hand and glove and it kills me to think of myself with someone else, or vise versa. I know she needs space. I know I probably need space. I woke up this morning and went out to the living room to give her about five kisses all over her face. I told her that I loved her and she smiled. I wish I had a camera at that time so I could reflect back on how much she does want to work this out. Sometimes it is so hard to see that. I have to work today at 1:30 central time and I have not worked in a week now but today I have to. Please pray for me that I have the strength I need to cope with this. She is with me but she isn't at the same time. As I think of it, you are right about her being here.. she doesn't have to be.

Oh by the way, today I plan to discuss the counselor thing and go see one.

It's been a rough few days for me. Last night we were intimate. I feel that we wouldn't have been if it weren't for me. I feel like I initiated it. I don't feel like I satisfied her. I am wanting her to initiate intamcy. We are both hurting very much. Monday we have a counsiling session set up. I felt vibes from her that she wanted me and that's why I pursued it. I felt that I wanted her too but if I didn't take action, then she might consider om again. I want her to reassure me over and over that she isn't contacting him. I know there are a lot of "I wants..." but I don't know what else to say. I have been eating better. It's been hard to accept that I am/was not the only man in her life. I must go now... PLEASE, I need your words of wisdom more.