This is my first post. I need help and advice.
I have been married for 13 years with a beautiful daughter. We were married after dating for 2 years and she is the most precious warm loving person that I ever knew. We had a daughter that changed our life because of a devastating birth of child with a severe cleft lip and palate. We alway carry the hurt with us but we found the best surgeons and now have a thriving friend-filled little girl that is loved by everyone. I love them both with all my heart and soul. I felt the emotional pain that my wife experienced was harder than what I felt and I always was the strong supporter for everyone. But I had eventually felt something was missing (emotional closeness, common interests, physical intimacy, just plain old subtle differences in what we wanted out of life. This made me grow more alone and I soon found that my pain subsided with a job that kept me on the road. Together we made significant income and created the perfect life. But at the core we I felt emotionally distanced because of our mutual need to sooth our pain from the unknown future of our daughter and mainly because of the lack of passion and intimacy that I felt I wanted. Now the **** part....
I travel often and one year ago I met someone in one of the cities I traveled to. It was physical attraction at first and eventually I learned about her life and began to feel closer and thought this person filled the void that I was missing (passion, intimacy, eventually close friendship and oddly - a mutually professed soul filled relationship). I led her to believe that my relationship with my wife was soon collapsing and that she was not a homewrecker. She always believed me when I told her she wasn't going to be a homewrecker. I know she is such a wonderful caring and loving person and that an affair with a man that still had hope in his marriage was nothing she would want to be a part of. But I wanted her and she fulfilled so many parts of my life that I felt was missing. But she has a complex life, 3 kids, a huge custody battle that I helped finance the attorneys for - most men would probably walk. I guess I felt I would not hurt anyone although the risk was there - I was just nieve while I was having my wild escapades. But this relationship was with a person that has a big heart, would not want to hurt anyone, does not want to be a homewrecker. I misled her and this relationship consumed me because I was able to travel so frequently and my wife just accepted the travel part of my job. She never thought that I could ever be the kind of man to have an affair. That made it easier. She did nothing but love me and I kept looking for what was missing and when I found it - I took the plunge. I love my wife and I fell in love with this other person. How does a man fall in love with 2 women and how do I let go of one or both of these relationships? I am caught in a spiraling double life. But I know I don't want to lose my wife or my daughter. <p>But the inevitable happened last night. I came home, a trail of trips and calls led to further discovery by my wife which led to a confrontation with me when I came home. I could have denied and lied - but I didn't. I told the truth. I even gave some details thinking it could help - but it dug me into a further hole. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of emotions, lots of devastation. All of this is going on as I write this note.<p>I love my wife, I cherish my daughter, I want everything to be like it was and I feel like I want to keep my marriage fix the hurt. I only want to be honest. But I don't know if its possible. At the same time, I developed a relationship with this other person that lasted a year and even had thoughts of a future. Now the result is I have devastated my wife but I asked her to let her and I work this out together as we keep this issue between us for now and not let our daughter be affected or even know anything is wrong. In the end - everyone will be hurt. If I want the marriage to stay together - I hurt my lover. If my marriage cannot be repaired - I have disgraced all of those that saw my wife and I as the model couple. I'm afraid of hurting anyone and never intended to hurt my wife. What was I thinking - Actually I wasn't thinking. Brief fun turned into a private silent sick relationship driven by me because of what I was searching for and found.<p>Well here's a long story - and I'm rambling but I have to post my experience and would love to hear some advice on what I could do now. Should I seek a counselor, should I plan on staying away, should I look for another job that doesn't make me travel, how do I break off this relationship, how do I convince myself that I want that broken off because is has consumed me in the last year.<p>Please offer some help to a good man that is lost and needs to make the right next moves.<p>Thanks

FIrst...I understand the emotional conflicts your W is now just experiencing. It will take a large toll and she needs your support and understanding. Answering questions honestly about what has been going on is the first step. This does NOT mean to tell all with all the details. (example...Yes, we went to this hotel on this date....NO...do NOT tell her you broke the bed.)<p>Second...IF you want your marriage...you will have to be truthful to this other woman and tell her that you have NOT been honest with her. You must also break off all contact with her, not only for your Ws peace of mind and healing, but also for hers and yours. It will be painful! For all of you. It will take time for you to focus all that thought and energy that you have expended on leading a double life into your marriage.<p>Third...yes, get counseling. Find a good counselor that you both can be comfortable with to explore not only those issues raised by the affair, but the ones that needed to be addressed before the affair. Individual and couple sessions for BOTH of you is needed.<p>Avoid traveling to where the OW lives. Your W will NOT be able to move forward as long as she continues to worry herself sick with thoughts of the two of you still meeting or communicating. If this means changing jobs...do so. Change your cell phone number and email accounts. <p>A marriage that has suffered a betrayal can become a much stronger, healhier, happier, and loving marriage then it was prior to the affair. No, the affair doesn't make it better, but the work of rebuilding the marriage very often does. You break down those walls of unspoken needs and expectations that were gradually built during the marriage.<p>I would like to offer this bit of advice...be honest with your W. Do NOT try in the mistaken idea to protect her from the truth. The time for protection has passed. The ONLY way to reclaim the trust that has been lost, is by using your very best "tool"...honesty. But realize that she may be asking questions that she really doesn't want answered in their full glory. Yet, if she asks, even for details, be truthful but with kindness. Her emotions are in a tailspin. She'll jump from one emotion to another within seconds. She is confused, hurt, angry, and in pain. She may lash out at you in a misguided attempt to ease her own pain...do NOT lash back. Hold her. Speak softly to her. Reassure her of your love and committment to the marriage. Be willing to open your life to her, so that she will feel as if she has some control in a world run wild. (Email accounts, voice messages, etc.) <p>You both can reclaim your marriage and your family life. It can become much stronger and loving and open. BUT...it takes BOTH of you working at it very hard. You must both commit to making a healing path through all of it. 110%.<p>How do you break off this other relationship? By bringing it into the light of day. From your remarks about this woman, she will be no happier then your W is about your deceptions. You've abused not only your W but her also. It's time to take everything out of the shadows and allow both women to make informed decisions as to where their lives are traveling. <p>Good luck on finding your healing path TOGETHER with your W!

You have to hurt one of the women in your life. It is impossible to escape this with both women liking you. Decide now who you will hurt and be done with it.
You can regain love and passion in your marriage if you have a plan and honesty.

Thanks for all your advice. This will not be easy and it's been a rough 24 hours. I just went on an interview for a job close to my home in muy quick attempt to find ways to keep me grounded. We are protecting my daughter from this but I also think that I will have a hard time letting go of OW. Every minute is a new emotional experience for me - I never intended to hurt anyone and this is the most painful experience I have ever had. I have to be honest with OW and would advise all "loving" spouses to avoid the temptation because of the result that I now have to work on.
I called OW last night and told what happened and I believe she suspects that I have more feelings for my wife than I led her to believe - I know that she feels like the homewrecker - Her and I always talked about this and she made it clear that she wouldn't not break up a family - I misled her and let her know that she wouldn't. What a fat liar I am. She advised me that my wife and I need to sit down as adults and discuss everything with the best interests of my daughter as the priority. She told me she would be by my side and support me because our friendship. And I suspect that one option to her is that our relationship could end. <p>OW doesn't know that I want to save my marriage - I always led her to believe that my marriage was eventually breaking down. She has her own situations and although she didn't feel right about this relationship with me - she is also married to a man that she does not have a relationship with anymore - And I guess we were two people that were in similar situations and didn't want to let go of what was becoming wonderful. I was continuing to drift away from my marriage and now with this discovery - I feel drawn back to it - is it guilt, is it ignorance of the pain I could have caused and now reality hits, is it because I'm insecure, Is it because I was taken advantage of,... It all seemed like a separate world and I liked it. <p>I know I have broken my wifes heart and I guess I always thought - actually I never thought seriously of the consequences - I feel like the worst man in the world to do what I did to some very innocent loving people that looked to me as their pillar. I must save this marriage because although I had this relationship with OW - I feel that my network of family and friends that I built with my wife are the core of my future. The sad part is that my wife and I never had an argument or blow-out in any of the 16 years I've known her. My marriage was beautiful and I have destroyed the last 16 years of trust and devotion because of a massive mistake I made one year ago. <p>I thank you all for the direction you've given me. For those of you that were victims - I appreciate your advice. As for me - this is the most lost and painful moment in my life. I just want to assure my wife that I love her and want to protect her - But I just want her to love me like she has the last 16 years and I know that may not ever happen. Is it really possible to renew our relationship and have her look at this as a male mistake because I was a [censored] and got caught up. What a mess!!!

Yes, it is possible to reclaim all that you risked. It will NOT be easy. You've known that from the beginning.<p>Stop being unfair to the OW in this. You said flat out here that you want your marriage. Be honest with her. You are going to hurt her. You can no more protect her from harm then you could your W. There is NO WAY you can clean up this mess without getting dirty. So just do the job that needs to be done and allow both women to make their own choices. STOP leading this woman on with the hopes that you can once again "have it all". You can NOT use her as a safety net just in case you can't save your marriage. She is a person and deserves more respect then this as does your W. State that it is over, you are recommitting to your marriage and that you are sorry to have caused her harm. THEN...do NOT contact her again or allow her to contact you. It might be wise to either do this in the presence of your W or at the very least discuss this with her to keep her informed (and hopefully her agreement) of why you are continuing having any contact at all. Contact with the OP in the EMA will doom any attempts of rebirth of the marriage. It must end!<p>On the other hand, since you want your marriage, you must commit to it and do whatever you must to bring it back on track. Even if this means that you never have any further contact with OW, from today. You've hurt your W in a way that you will never fully understand, unless you have been betrayed, and even then each of us feel differently and individually. Empathize with her sorrow as much as possible. Look at this through her eyes. She may well be re-examining the last 16 years of your marriage, but it was NOT all destroyed.<p>Yes, your marriage will change. BUT that does not mean that it won't be as loving as it always was. You may find that the "scar tissue" which a betrayal causes makes a very strong bond once you've healed.<p>Guilt is NOT what your W needs or wants. Guilt is all about self and ego. She needs and wants remorse...which is all about changing behaviors and making very sure that the change is a positive one for the marriage.

faketoughguy<p>yes i can tell you it is possible to heal your marriage, I've been the BS and the WS.It's going to take a long time and a lot of work. Read the information on the site and get a book about affairs, knowledge will help you a lot.<p>I know right now your in the fog but I'd like to play devils advocate.

You said
But at the core we I felt emotionally distanced because of our mutual need to sooth our pain from the unknown future of our daughter and mainly because of the lack of passion and intimacy that I felt I wanted.<p>Did you ever tell your wife this and give her the chance to fulfill your needs?<p>Did you ever realize that she probably felt the same way about you?<p>Did you ever try to work on your marriage?<p>
I led her to believe that my relationship with my wife was soon collapsing and that she was not a homewrecker. She always believed me when I told her she wasn't going to be a homewrecker. I know she is such a wonderful caring and loving person and that an affair with a man that still had hope in his marriage was nothing she would want to be a part of. <p>You make her out to be a saint. She was just as guilty of betrayal as you were. She was married, you were married it's that simple. I'm sure on some level she suspected that things were'nt as bad with your wife as you made it out to be, she probably didn't want her bubble bursted. This reasoning of her marriage was bad, My marriage was bad is just an excuse to have your cake and eat it too. It sounds to me like your marriage needed work and you didn't know how to fix it. <p>
But the inevitable happened last night. I came home, a trail of trips and calls led to further discovery by my wife which led to a confrontation with me when I came home. I could have denied and lied - but I didn't. I told the truth. I even gave some details thinking it could help - but it dug me into a further hole. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of emotions, lots of devastation. All of this is going on as I write this note.<p>You have no idea how much you have hurt her and your daughter. Your wife has been there for you. This relationship with the OW is fantasyland, it has no reality. You have not lived with her day after day, dealt with the problems of life and family. Your relationship with OW consists of secrecy and lies and things seem more exciting when your in that state.<p>I'm sorry if I come off a little judgemental I know what your going through is very tough and I understand that we all make our share of mistakes but if you take some time to sort things out I'm sure in time your fog will lift. Read some posts from some EX WS's that have healed and listen to what they say about when they were in the fog. Some of them were in a very addicted state just like you. <p>Did you ever think that maybe the problems are more about you than your marriage or the OW . How honest have you and your wife been with each other throughout your marriage? Did you practice fulfilling each others needs? How did the A effect your marriage? Did it make you turn away even more from your wife? So if the answer is yes to even a couple of these questions, How could your wife begin to fix what she didn't know was broken? <p>I do know that if the base of the problems are your relationship skills it doesn't matter who your with you will never be able to have a fulfilling mature relationship and all these problems will just be carried over to somebody new after the newness wears off.<p>I wish you and your wife luck on the road ahead

I have a problem now. I had much guilt over the last 2 days. I built this other relationship for over one year. I am having a hard time thinking of letting go. I believe I want to save my marriage. I spoke to my daughter last night and her voice sounded so sweet. My wife told me that she is disgraced but took a vow and will need me to openly tell her everything about how much I spent and that I needed to cut things off with OW. <p>I helped OW from a suicidal state because of some bad things that were going on at that time in her life when we met. Her 2 of 3 kids were with grandparents. She lost her daughter to a custody battle to grandparents because of an unjust situation - no need for details on this. Just trust me on that. I brought her back to life, I gave her positive momentum, she's devoted to me because of how I helped her, and now our relationship became closer and closer. The other part is that during the relationship - I felt my wife and I were in a marriage that was missing so much. I developed this A and actually believed in a future. OW continued to press that nothing is done until her custody battle was done because of the stress it was causing her, she also wanted my daughter to not be hurt because at the age of my daughter (11) - she would be the one that would be hurt the most. I have 2 women in my life - both with good minds - my bs is hurt - my ow is counting on me - everyone is innocent. I honestly believed, in retrospect, I did not mislead ow but believed I could carry on for a long time as I consider my options. <p>Now I am having a hard time letting go. My wife is seeing a marriage counselor today. I am talking to Steve on Monday and possibly seeing someone local tomorrow. I guess I'm not sure what I want to do - or I think I know what I want but don't want to lose everything.<p>Any advice here?

You are now what is termed a "fence sitter". You don't want to let either woman go. Actually, this isn't unusual, but it is deadly to all. While you are sitting on that fence, NOTHING is being accomplished but hurting everyone, yourself included.<p>You've become the "white knight" on the wonderful horse in your "play" that you have scripted with this OW. YOU and you alone SAVED her! You're her hero, with a shining sword to overcome all problems in her life...But...while you were off slaying her dragons, you left your W and DD (dear daughter) to face all the dragons in their lives ALONE and without protection. <p>Now you are faced with a choice and a decision to be made. Do you want to continue in your role as "knight" or would you like to come back to earth and face all the harm that you have caused and are continuing to cause to your first obligation (I hate that word)...Your W and DD? IF the answer is yes, then you know what must be done. <p>Suicide is ALL about self. Been there, done that and I have a nasty ole T-shirt of shame and heartbreak to my loved ones to prove it. It is the most selfish and cowardly thing anyone ever attempts. You are NOT a counselor! You are NOT a professional who this woman needs if she is/was suicidial. You can NOT/did NOT save her. Yes, you can offer support but...who should you offer your support to? This woman who is NOT your W or your W and DD?<p>Guilt is worthless!!!!!!! Guilt is still ONLY about SELF and EGO. IT begins with "you", no one else. REMORSE is about accepting responsiblity for what you have done and then CHANGING your behavior so that you do not continue creating harm and resititution for the pain you have caused. Which are you doing?<p>Risk is ALWAYS in any relationship. You do NOT have a right to a "safe net" or someone waiting in the wings if EITHER relationship doesn't turn out the way you want. Make a choice! You know what the "right" thing to do is, but we don't always choose what is right. It is YOUR choice at this point to either begin rebuilding or finish tearing apart your family's world. Up to you!

to justawifey-
you're what I would say is "Strong". You say some great things here. I do want my W and DD to depend on me - I know I have devastated an innocent person and I do know what I have to do. It's going to some kind of new road I travel now. I know my wife will forgive me - I know my DD will be protected - I know my wife will never forget but somehow I sense that our relationship can be built on some new solid ground but, for a while at least, I will be kept on a short leash.
I know days will be good and some very sad and left with astonishment that this happened...and over time I suppose I will get over the OW ... I just need to figure our how to let go of something that became very dear to me. She is also at a fragile state and was depending on me and I just am sad that I would also hurt her. I've really done a bad thing here and I guess that I will always remember her for what we had but I will decide how to keep my marriage together and figure out how to live a new life.
Thanks for your comments and thoughts.