How do I know that my WS is being honest with me? <p>I trusted what he told me before was the truth, but now that I have found out about the affair (4 1/2 weeks ago was D-Day), I find myself second-guessing everything he tells me. I was told numerous lies during the A.<p>I do not have access to his email at work, and his cell phone is also through work, so I can't track his calls. I snooped the other day, and found the OW's # on his cell phone as a call, but there is no way of knowing when the call was made, because it won't display a date - just a time. I know he doesn't use his cell that much, so it could be a call from over a month ago (i.e. before D-Day).
He has said he will be honest with me. He swears he has not talked to her, and I want to believe him, but am still feeling lost.<p>He has shown some steps at breaking away from the A (including discarding a gift from OW).<p>Any suggestions on how to shake this feeling of insecurity and doubt??

Pretend! I know that sounds silly, but you almost have to do so to get over the hump of mistrust. It's backwards and seemly so unfair to the betrayed, but to reclaim trust we must to some extent give it first, even if they have not completely done what needed to be done to earn it.<p>I have all the access that you are talking about. I am able to access his work email, his personal email, his voice messages both private and at work (or at least I have the passcodes)...but I KNOW that it is a false sense of security. It's not real. If he wanted to continue contact it would be easy. There are 1001 ways to have multi email accounts. Calls can block their number, they can use phone cards and pay phones and time consuming "plans" on when to call and where to call. It's simple to get a second cell phone that your spouse doesn't know about and mailbox for bills, letters, etc. YOU can NOT control what he will do or not do. (IF it is continuing...you WILL find out. Deal with it then.)<p>To be very honest here, most affairs do not end immediately, even if the betrayer is firm on ending the EMA. It takes just a little time to withdraw from the support that the OP was offering. So any contact that may have happened recently after d-day is NOT something to base what is going to happened down the road on.<p>Hopefully he is being honest about having no contact. It's also possible that while he is doing his best to avoid contact that the woman involved is not doing her part in something she may not have an interest in doing in the first place. Therefore, if she contacts him and he tells you of her actions, accept and KNOW that he can NOT control what she does, only his reaction to it and his honesty towards you about it. (You must NOT go off the deep end at your H about her actions. He won't tell you what they are, if you do! And being informed is more important right now, then telling him that he set this all in motion.)<p>Give your H lots of support and as much trust as you can give, even if it is guarded trust and conditional at this point. TALK to him about your insecurity and what he can do to help you regain your emotional balance.

Thanks for the sound advice! <p>I know that there are just too many ways that he could contact the OW, or for her to contact him. You're absolutely right - just because he has asked for no contact doesn't mean that she will not try and contact him. I didn't think about it that way. <p>I will try to keep up the good fight - and will also continue to try and talk to him about my insecurities (I usually just end up in tears though). <p>Thanks for the hope that we can get through this (somehow)!

There are many ways that you can lessen his opportunity. Many are covered in the SAA book...<p>Both of you account for all of your time. When he is not at work, he is always able to be reached by cell phone and he tells you where he will be when not at work. If he is doing something that is not work related, you go with him. If he has to go out of town on a trip for whatever reason, you go with him.<p>You can also, get detailed billing for his cell phone and for your home phone. If it is possible to access his voice mail and work email when away from work, then he can provide you the passwords for such. If he uses Microsoft Outlook for his email (and likely for other email applications as well), he can set up a message rule that will send copies to your email of anything that comes in or out of his email account (if he is willing to do this go to work with him to make sure he does so).<p>If he uses a laptop or home computer, you can order eblaster and spector from www.spectorsoft.com. These programs hide on the computer and record keystrokes, web sites, and take screen shots. eblaster will even email the report to you on another computer. You have to access the spector program to view the screen shots (but eblaster will take a screen shot every 3o minutes or so as well).<p>Lastly, this idea comes from Psychology Today/ July-August 1998, Shattered Vows: Getting Beyond Betrayal By Shirley Glass, Ph.D. http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html<p>If he really wants to help you develop a trust, the two of you will set aside funds each month (and only you have access to those funds and only you know how much is there) for the purposes of hiring a PI. You may never feel the need to do it (I did and 95% of people that do feel the need turn out to be justified), but the fact that at any moment of the day, he could be watched, is some serious incentive to not continue to affair.<p>I wish you luck in whatever you decide. BSs have every right to snoop and should not feel guilty for doing so.

OH, I agree with longing...althought I don't much like the snooping label. To me it is more a statement of "Have nothing to hide, hide nothing!" Hence the reason H has allowed me that level of access. It is a false sense of security, I know this, but it was one that I needed at the time. You may well need this sense of security, too.<p>If going to these lenghts makes it easier for you to regain and him to reclaim the trust that was lost, then whatever is needed may be tried. You are not interested in his private life, (a statement that many a betrayer crys), but in creating stubbling blocks against a hidden life.<p>I would like to offer a word of warning about ANY of the "spyware" software. If you are attempting to download this onto a computer when your spouse is computer savy without their knowledge, then they may well discover this. My H is VERY much the computer expert, so I knew better then to attempt this, only by accident did I learn that if I had attempted this, he would have not only known, the firewall would have denied the download (computers view spyware as a virus) and would have sent a report to the admin of the computer...in our case...my H.<p>Wish we all had a blueprint on how to go about rebuilding where if we did "Y" then "X" would happen and everything would come out the way we wanted. It would make things so much easier. But many have struggled through and rebuilt wonderful lasting marriages. You can do it!

Thanks Longing and Wifey-<p>I will talk with my H about more access to his means of communication, although I know that I won't ever be able to track down everything if he was still seeing or talking to the OW.<p>Definately not a situation that I imagined I'd be in, but I must now figure out the whys, and work on them too. <p>Thanks again!

Maybe you won't know immediately if he is still being an @$$, but it's a lot harder to lie and be believed once we know they can lie. If something is going on...you'll find out!<p>Focus on what you can control, not what you never could! Sorry not much time to post this morning!<p>Good Luck!!1