I'm new to this so please bare with me, I just found out 2days ago that my wife of 3years has been having an affair for atleast a year, she says they ended before i found out and there just friends( well not anymore since i found out)
dealing with this has been the hardest thing I've ever done and I just don't know what too do. We have two kids together and in my mind she didn't just cheat on me she cheated on them too. I have so many questions but for now I need some help with this one so hear goes. The guy that she cheated with has 5 kids and him and his wife just found out last week that she needs a kidney transplant or she could die, the way I feel now is I want too tell her that her husband not the guy she thinks he is. My wife of course doesn't want me to tell cause she says " think of the kids" well they was'nt thinking of them then so why now is it because she might die? I feel so bad for her but also does she desirve to make her on choice to be with this man???<p>mark72

Hello Mark,<p>What an awful story. Your wife after two years of marriage has an affair for a year with a married man who has five children? What kind of a person is this? Since you already have two children then marriage counseling is a must. I shudder to think of what kind of values your wife could teach your children. Clearly she was not thinking of the OM's
five children when she was having an affair. Do you feel you can or want this marriage to work?
If so then again counseling is in order. Is your wife remorseful or sorry that you found out. She certainly did not seem to care about the effects on 7 innocent children.
I hope you can get to the problem as to why she would do this and with who after two years of marriage. I do not see any point in telling the wife since her life is at danger. If this is the woman you really want to spend the rest of your life with then she and you will need lots of work.
I think you will need lots of luck.

Mark...I understand your pain. It sounds from your post that you and your W are going to begin the hard work of rebuilding...It can be done.<p>To answer your one question...no do NOT tell his W. Beside the fact that this is YOUR marriage and the last thing you want or need is more people and their emotions stirring up the mixture right now, the timing is WRONG. Regardless of what a lousy person this OM is, his W NEEDS him at this time. She does NOT need to be told that the one she is going to have to depend on has done this to her and her family. It could threaten her very life, as mental health is very important and connected to physical well being. She needs to be recovered and on her feet before having to deal with the type of stress that you are working under. <p>Yes, she does deserve to know, but not now. jmho By the time she is well enough to deal with this knowledge, it may not be as important for you to tell as it is now. That is a risk you must take. And it maybe the best thing you can do for your own marriage.<p>Praying that you and your W find your healing path together. Lots of valuable information on site, please check out the home page and read the many articles.<p>Counseling is very important. Find a counselor that you and your W are both comfortable with to help guide you. Good Luck!

A woman laying on her possible death bed needs NO bad news. I understand why you would want to tell, but the only person who will get the most pain, is the one who needs it the least right now. Bad news can make a serious health worse. I just try to always remember that God will do what needs to be done to those who do wrong.<p>If you were in her situation, you would not want to find out about WS affair, at a time you would need her most. Work on your relationship with your W and let the OM deal with this one. More than likely, she already knows. Just my opinion.
heather [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I have to agree, considering the circumstances.<p>Normally, I would always advise that the spouse of the OP be told. It is the respectful thing to do -- you would want to be told if you were in that situation.<p>One thing you can consider doing as a compromise (and this idea may have to merit), is if you can find out who her doctor is, tell her doctor. Let her doctor maybe make the determination if she can handle it. As I said, I don't know if that idea has any merit but I am never really comfortable with the idea of keeping someone in the dark on this stuff. There is likely very few BS (betrayed spouses), if any, that would not have liked to have known sooner. In my case, the OMs wife knew for nearly six months before I did. If she had told me, it would have been much easier to save my marriage. Now, I really don't know if it can be saved.