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#411450 02/19/02 08:24 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2
T
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2
Where do I start??? I have had a friend/not friend that lives in my neighborhood (2 houses down). I used to enjoy being around her, but that stopped about 3+ years ago. My husband kept pushing me to be friends with her. I finally cut off all contact with her a year ago. Back 3 years ago, my husband used to run/jog with her. I didn't mind at first, but then I did. I told him to stop, but he said that he didn't want to... it was only running. Over that past 2 years, I put my foot down and told him to stop running, which he said he did (but he didn't). 2 years ago I found a phone bill where he was calling her..told him to stop...<p>Well 2 weeks ago, when my husband was out of town, a video tape was put in my mailbox... When I put it in, it was a tape of her and my husband having sex in her bedroom... After 2 days of talking to my husband on the phone, he finally came clean and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past 3+ years, including that previous week when she had come up to New York with him. To say the least, my world has been turned upside down.<p>He has said that he loves me and made a mistake. He only continued to be with her because he never wanted me to find out. He said that he had actually told her that it was over and that he wanted to work things out with me when she was in NY with him... He says that is why she sent the tape. <p>I have no doubt that he loves me... I'm just having a hard time understanding how he could have done this to me.. and for 3 years... the A started when I was 3 months pregnant with daughter number 2 (who is almost 3 now).. we also have a 4 month old... <p>There is so much more that I want to say... We have went on vacations with the woman.. when her husband filed for divorce 3 years ago (he made the tape and filed), my H talked me into letting her live with us for 3 weeks... and just recently, he went over to her house on xmas eve (even though I begged and pleaded and cried), because she had a gift for our 3 year old...<p>I'm so hurt .... I don't know how to get past these feelings.. He has agreed to go to counseling and says that he'll spend the rest of his life proving his love to me and making it up to me.. I just don't know if I can get past this burning feeling in my stomach I've lost 18 lbs in 2 weeks.. And worst of all, I have to see her around the neighborhood.. H is still traveling, but when this contract is up (3 weeks), he is not going to travel until things improve for us..<p>Any advise......

#411451 02/19/02 10:06 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,516
J
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Joined: Jan 2002
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So very sorry for what you are faced with and for what you will be faced with in the coming months.<p>The odd thing about all this is that because of the way you discovered the affair, you know that your H was ending it on his own. That is a good starting place. He is not being forced to choose, he already chose and he chose you and his family.<p>It will be an uphill battle, but one which you and he can succeed in if fighting side by side. <p>Began by seeing your family doctor and getting a complete check up. You need to address those health issues (loss of weight) and will likely need some anti-depression meds to help you control your overwhelming emotions for the short term. (I'd also have a full screen testing for STDs just to be on the safe side, you've got two beautiful little ones to think about.)<p>Next find a GOOD counselor who specializes in rebuilding marriages after a betrayal, one whose focus is on reclaiming the marriage and guidance. He/she must be someone that you and your H can both be comfortable with. (Interview them as much as possible to discover their basic beliefs. A counselor should NEVER tell you what you are feeling or how you should do this or that...they should offer you options and insight.)<p>Take your time on making any life-changing decisions. This is on your time schedule and you can make those decisions when you are ready to do so. <p>Go to the home page here and read the articles and pick out what may work for you and your situation and what may give you comfort. There is a lot of valuable information here, and the people here will offer you lots and lots of support.

#411452 02/22/02 07:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2
T
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2
Thanks so much for the sane and helpful advise. I just spent 2 days in NY with my husband.. went up and suprised him. I've never done that in the 10 years that we've been together. It was a wonderful time.. He's on his way home right now and we've been fighting on the phone... I'm starting to have a lot of helpless, devasted feelings about how he could do this... not just the sex, but the phone calls and the visits to her.. insisting that we vacation together.. pushing me to be her friend, when I had decided 3 years ago that I didn't want to be around her...<p>It's like now that we've had sex and 2 days together that were truly wonderful, that I'm not allowed to still have these hurtful feelings.. I just found out 16 days ago... He was with her in NY just 20 days ago... I don't know if I can do this... I know what we can have together...I remember it very well,,, but I'm afraid to trust him again... and I don't know if I can forgive him or that I'll ever forget...

#411453 02/26/02 08:35 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 39
L
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 39
If you don't have a church home I think you should ask around in your neighborhood. For now start reading the bible. If you want I will email you some scriptures on adultery. I know this is hard b/c I am going thru it right now as well. <p>If he ended the affair at least believe that for now. This doesn't mean that you can't be suspicious. Let your husband know that just b/c you had sex and a wonderful 2 days together that everything isn't fine. You have to be the communicator. I have been telling my husband exactly how I feel. I make him tell me how he felt before, during, and after. I know it is hard for me but I need to know.<p>I am starting counseling tonight and I will let you know how it goes. I think cousnseling for the both of you and then for each of you separately is a good thing. He sounds like he wants to make it work, keep thinking about that fact that he was trying to end it. This means that he was probably thinking about ending it for months if not years. <p>Good luck and God Bless you and your children as you go thru this. You are not alone.


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