<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

If he isn't having a physical affair (PA) he is certainly having an emotional affair (EA). If you don't "nip it in the bud" it will almost certainly become a PA (if it hasn't already). This may not be what you wanted to hear, but I think it is what you know inside. <p>At its best, your husband has established an unhealthy relationship outside your marriage. This is already harming your marriage and you need to act fast! Read everything in the Marriage Builders site. Some of it is obvious - but sometimes we miss the obvious within our daily routines.<p>For your marriage to succeed there are a few key elements:<p>1. You have to convince your husband that you are the best partner he could have and that there is no need for him to look elsewhere.
2. He has to end his relationship with his internet friend. This may take some time for you to achieve - point (1) is the best way of achieving this and actions/deeds speak louder than words and demands.
3. You have both got to reach a point where you are prepared to work on it - you are there now, he isn't. I hope he gets there soon, but be prepared for a long hard wait, a lot of work on your part for what appears like little reward - and keep at it - forever!! Apparently it works!<p>My wife started her affair online, but in soon developed to phone, meetings and sex. I am still working on point (3). 12 months ago the nightmare started - she ended all contact 5 months ago. Things are a long way off perfect even now. Hopefully by you finding out now you can reduce the impact of his emotional attachment to the other woman and get things back to a far better situation than perhaps they have been for a long time.<p>Feel free to email me - jollyniceblokey@aol.com<p>Feel free to email me -

I hate to say this, but don't believe him. He can't be that involved with someone else and have it be "just friends"! My H. did the same thing, started in may 2001, I knew nothing about it until the end of Aug. He was going on a fishing trip with coworkers, planned it for 4-6 wks bfore hand, told me he needed money for trip etc. I did not care if he went, felt he deserved a trip, we have never done enough for ourselves and figured it mioght improve his mood. He bought a cell phone and had never cared about having one before, told me he needed it because he was going to be somewhere remote and couldn't call. Well, the day before he left I found some things in his planner, her number, her H. name, her kids name, e-mail accts and other stuff. Asked him if he met her etc. Of course at that time he hadn't so he could tell the truth and say no. Well dummy me still didn't even think he was going to see her, really believed him about fishing trip. About a wk after he came back he told me he had seen her, but I STILL didn't think it was on that trip, he thought he had an std so he needed to tell me. I finally asked about the trip and he said he was gone that wk with her 6 days, but it was over. Of course I believed him and we went to counseling but he wasn't cooperative at all, but he kept claiming he was not in contact, lying more times than I can count. Sorry I took over on this but believe He will lie to cover up and make you look like the bad guy in all of this. Make you feel crazy for doubting him etc. He didn't even tell our C. and she even believed him, he was that good. It is an affair even if it is not physical and may very well become physical if he doesn't stop.

Welcome odile...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>It is an affair... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Your choice to save your marriage will have to start off with your efforts alone...
...the hope is that in time... by your doing a good Plan A... your H will join you in saving your marriage.<p>Love is patient...
...and your patience will be tested.<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out my post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>You have my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Day by Day.
Your story sounds an awful lot like mine.<p>Plz email me a fungirl1@gosympatico.ca
Id like to hear your story.<p>thanks
susan

You can also talk to me. I was the OW in an internet affair. <p>kj274@hotmail.com

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:37 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Odile, I have been thru the same thing, an internet affair. I know how devastated you are. Although my husband has been totally open but that is important to me b/c its my way of dealing. I think you husband hasn't ended his affair yet. <p>I think you should try talking to him about "us" but don't pressure him. I don't think he is ready to talk. Maybe bring up a story about a great time you had together and how you felt. See what he says. Tell him you want to feel that way again. Also, let him know how much you love him and that you are willing to work thru this. <p>I know that it is hard to say wonderful things to him when you are so confused and hurt. Good luck to you and let me know how you are doing. <p>I will say a prayer for you tonight.

Have you read this link?<p>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html

Odile,<p>I've followed NSR's sage advice and have been in a very long Plan A with some success. My H had a number of internet affairs and was viewing porn, having phone sex and the list goes on. It took me nine months of Plan A to convince him that we needed to go into counselling together.<p>In counselling with Jennifer Harley Chalmers, she said something that is key to changing this behavior is blowing up the secretiveness of the affairs. If you have not done this yet, you need to get some type of PC recording software. Iopus, KeyKey and Spector are the ones recommended most often.<p>What are her and your H doing together? You do not know because there are many serets being hidden from you. The money I spent on my Spector software was the best money I spent all year. He can continue to lead his secret life because you are allowing it right under your nose. I installed the sftware and printed up some choice conversations for my H and I told him-this stops or me and our four kids are moving out today.<p>He slipped up a few times and we had several D-Days over the past 10 months. I was steadfast with my Plan A and trying not to love bust. I was not always successful.<p>Prayer is important too. I know how hard it is to be obsessed with snooping. I had to pray a lot and I still do, every day, that the Lord will help my H resist temptation and help me to be a better wife. <p>manfromtheuk made some very good points. Are you willing to wait until your H is ready for counselling? I had to wait 9 months but we went to counselling with Jennifer together and made that call as one.<p>I think part of your H's anger has to do with the loss of the relationship he had with OW. He probably won't want to discuss that with you but I bet it is part of his anger. He's angry with you because you have put the affair to a stop.<p>Have you told him what kind of marriage you want? Does he want the same? Do you have any insight into why he did this in the first place?<p>Finally, we have a support group at YAHOO that you are welcome to join...here's the URL>>><p>http://groups.yahoo.com/group/onlineinfidelity/<p>Bluebird

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:37 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

^^Bump^^ for odile