I just found out that my husband of 12 years had a week long affair with someone 18 years younger then him. He says he loves me and that he just has so much guilt, however doesnt know if he wants to save our marriage. We have 2 boys and he has 3 children from his first marriage. I have raised all children for the past 12 years. This past year has been a very hard one, we lost my father-in-law, step-daughter tryed to kill herself, my husband lost a very good job, we lost a tone of income, my step-son moved to his mothers, and that is just a few things. I feel that when my father-in-law died I lost my husband that has been almost a year ago. He is just sad all the time. His first wife cheated on him and I never dreamed he would do this. We have our problems but nothing I thought would send to another womens bed. Not once but 3 times. I have a real problem with the fact he plans to remain friends with this girl and even help her out by taking her to the airport for a vacation. He has advised me that I am not to talk about it anymore and that I am chasing him right out the door by asking questions. I need help.....

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by evergreen:
[Q]He says he loves me and that he just has so much guilt, however doesnt know if he wants to save our marriage. [/Q]<hr></blockquote><p>He loves you but he's sitting on the fence. It sounds like he's still involved with this person somehow.
[/Q][/QUOTE]<p>[Q] <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
I have a real problem with the fact he plans to remain friends with this girl and even help her out by taking her to the airport for a vacation.
[/Q]<hr></blockquote><p>Having contact with the OW is absolutely unacceptable. If you two decide to work things out there is absolutely no room for HER in any way, shape or form. Friends? NO WAY! <p>[Q] <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
He has advised me that I am not to talk about it anymore and that I am chasing him right out the door by asking questions. I need help.....[/Q]<hr></blockquote><p>So he advised you not to talk about this? He has done something very wrong and he knows it. Now he thinks you have no right? Don't talk to me about this or else? BULL! He is manipulating you and this situation. He is trying to deflect the blame and place it on you. He only wants some sort of "justification" for his affair and if he can some way turn it around, he can feel better about what he has done. <p>I KNOW you are in pain. Right now you must decide what your immediate goals are and then set some boundaries. Once those boundaries are set, stick to them.<p>HE has no right to tell you this is none of your business. YOU have every right to know what happened. It is YOUR life. If he isn't willing to give you what you need there is nothing you can do to make him BUT don't let him control you by threatening you (if you talk about this, you'll push me away).<p>I HATE you are going through this. And I think he behavior right now is not fair to you. Not that the affair was - it wasn't. But now that it's out in the open, you DO deserve some sort of communication about this.<p>Where does it stand right now?<p>Love,
Clear

p.s. Not for nothing. Understand that the marriage was NOT for nothing. It was something. It is something. This is a very difficult bump in the road. One that your marriage may or may not survive. But it IS possible to salvage this.

I am new to this whole message board thing. The only other ones I visited was for breast cancer (my mom) and OCD (my wife). I am learning much by reading these postings and I feel in your case that he is just buying time. I am kind of going through the same thing right now and my armour is getting thicker and thicker. Whenever she asks me not to talk about it anymore, it just makes me more upset. I say speak as clearly as you want, let your opinoins and words be spoken because only us can change what we want, and if we demand some sort of dialoge about what is affecting our lives, then we should get it!<p>Peace,
Kent

Not to trivialize your situation but I think you are much better off than you realize.<p>The affair only lasted one week. It is very possible that the physical portion of it is over. I assume he is still living at home.<p>You have a really good opportunity to save your marriage. See if he would be willing to seek counseling (with the both of you in attendance).<p>If asking questions right now is problematic, DON'T ASK QUESTIONS! I have a list of three pages of questions that I want to ask my wife. Many times, those questions make her miss the other man because of the memories to cause to be revisited.<p>You marriage CAN be saved. Many on this board have saved their marriages (or in the process of saving their marriages) from much worse. In my situation, my WW (wayward wife) has spent the majority of our marriage in an A (affiar). She even left me for the OM (other man). We are now working to slowly rebuild our marriage. She does not love me currently but I know that can be regained with time.<p>This has been the most difficult time in my life and I can only imagine it has been for you as well. You can recover, your marriage can recover, and you may in fact be able to have a more pleasing marriage than you did prior.<p>Keep the faith!<p>PS: I am also from Indiana.<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

He is still here... We have talked some. There is just so much to this. I guess you could say it stated back in Sept when I found a phone # in his wallet. He then told me he wanted a divorce in Oct. I called the # and some young girl answered. He advised that it was a friends daughter. Then I found out that he had bought a female cigaretts, he advised that was a friend. Then I began to ask him if he was having an affair. He said NO and that they were just friends. He works at a hospital and has lots of female friends, I then found out that he had been talking to my sister-in-law for the past 3 months (without me knowing). They were calling each other from work and at work, he had even went to see her at work. I lost it!!!!! I went off the deep end. I called my sister-in-law and confronted her. He became very upset with me. She was suppose to have been my best friend, that was what really hurt. I know nothing happened there. How ever I was lied to by both for 3 months about their contact with each other.
I then find out after my first post that there was possibly another woman and her children. I asked him He advised that they were just friends. I spoke with someone who backed up this.
So I am just very confused.
Today he said he just is not happy and he never will be. I dont want to wreck my childrens life, but I also know that I cant live not feeling loved and needed.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HII I cannot help you through this as I am going through the same thing, and very much deep in the pain of it all. Hold on, that's all I can say, because this is not an easy ride. Its true what they say however, that WS all seem to have the same things to say and do the same things. Its very hard to understand it or rationalise it.<p>My H is VERY angry at the moment, dosen't know if he loves me, can decide if we should still be together-we've been married for 10years and have no kids. This has been going on for more than 4 weeks now, and its not fun. He also had a lot of stress, like your husband, so I wonder if that's like the breaking point. Who know HII, because WS sure ain't telling. <p>All I can say from my experience is to hang in there, keep coming back here and posting and read the material. God help us all

I guess I am becoming obsessed with finding out who this girl was. Is it better to know or not?
He wont tell me who, so I took steps to find out on my own. He is now very mad at me. Alot of anger.

With what I am going through right now, I say screw it- it is your right to know- tell him that he hurt your feelings, let him know how you feel. Don't have to sneak to save a marriage, just have to sneak to kill one!

hopeless, you have every right to know every little detail.<p>This may be a time for you to get tough. Time to be assertive. I recommend both of you seek MC counseling. You may also want to read Love Must Be Tough. We BS (betrayed spouse(s)) tend to allow ourselves to be doormats or to waffle on our needs. We can't do that. Plan a should not be about waffling. In your case, I don't even know if you need to plan a at this time. It appears that he knows that he is better off with you but right now, he has little incentive to make a committed choice.<p>It may be time that he realize that he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Right now, he does not respect you. You are mot giving him much reason to do so.

thank you for your responses, they really do help.
I am having a real problem with the fact he does not want to have sex with ME! He says the affair is over and I do beleive that. IS this normal for the cheater to not want to sleep with is spouse after an affair.
I am dealing with all of this a little better each day. However I have a real fear of what will happen when the OW comes back from vacation. He says he will tell her to face reality and that they could never work.
He did read this site today. I just wish he could see how devoted I have been to him. and how much I love him. I can't go on feeling like I am not loved or needed. I hardest part is I know that he really does love me and his children. He just seems to have a problem showing that right now. He wants the past to be just that the past. He does not want to talk about it anymore. I am really trying hard, but somedays I just have so much anger and hate that it makes me sick. I know that the stress is rubbing of on all the kids, hell 3 of them are in counseling. I did speak with him today about me going to counseling, he will NOT go, no matter what, not even for the kids. That really hurts me. I also think it may just be the fact he does not want to admit his fault in this. By no means is it all his fault. I can be a real nag.

thank you for your responses, they really do help.
I am having a real problem with the fact he does not want to have sex with ME! He says the affair is over and I do beleive that. IS this normal for the cheater to not want to sleep with is spouse after an affair.<p>Yes, for a number of reasons. One being guilt, two being that they still don't respect you yet, three being that they don't feel close enough to you yet (the last one is likely a more female response - it is what I am told).<p>I am dealing with all of this a little better each day. However I have a real fear of what will happen when the OW comes back from vacation. He says he will tell her to face reality and that they could never work.<p>No! Don't let that happen unless you are there to watch it. They must not meet privately face to face if at all possible. The OM likely still has a pull on him. My wife was very weak when it came to the OM. If he wanted something, she typically would give it to him. In such a situation, it may be very easy for the OW to convince your husband to not give her up. The OM was able to do such to my wife on a number of occasions.<p>
He wants the past to be just that the past. He does not want to talk about it anymore. <p>That is too bad. As my counselor told my wife, "This is a hell you created." He needs to know that you need time to put all of it into perspective. He knows all the details, he lived it. You still likely want to know the details so you CAN put the past in the past. Nothing is more unsettling than learning bits and pieces of this mess as your life continues. That means that it is never in the past.<p> he will NOT go, no matter what, not even for the kids. That really hurts me. I also think it may just be the fact he does not want to admit his fault in this. By no means is it all his fault. <p>Then go without him. Invite him each time but go without him. Perhaps he will change his mind in time. I can tell you this, he will wonder what goes on at your sessions and why you act differently after them. Tell him nothing. If he wants to know, he is welcome to join you.

Thank you for the response, every day just gets harder, i went through his wallet last night and found #'s to her vacation home, and a pre-paid phone card. he says he has not called her, that he called his other female friends, and that they are just friends.
I have asked him to leave and i even called about the cost of a divorce. i cant live every day with the pain of this. he is not willing to even try!!! he just wants to leave and not have to deal with it.
i am at the end of my rope....... do i give up or stay?

hopeless, sounds like you may need to do a plan b. From what I see, you may not be able to do an effective plan a without letting yourself be a doormat. Being a doormat just makes things worse.

last night i ended up in the hospital with chest pain. i think it is just stress. pluraise is what the doctor said it is? my mother took me after the emt's had checked me out. my husband was notifyed by my father, he did come out, but was mad that I had not called him.. I dont know how much more stress my body can take.