My WW had an affair that lasted the majority of our marriage, they thought they were soulmates. She left me to be with him and was likely going to file for divorce. We were not even married a year before the affair began.<p>The affair started almost a year ago and I just learned of it (D-Day) in late January. They continued to have sex and work towards them being together even after I learned of it. As far as my wife was concerned, our marriage was over.<p>Since D-Day, I have been doing everything I can (based on many books, including SAA), I have been seeing a counselor, I have been placed on anti-d, and I even considered suicide on two occasions. I thought my life was over but I was determined that I would try to save my marriage. There were many times that I did not even know or think I wanted to save it. I would think, how could I possibly trust my wife again. In time, those thoughts deminished and I realized just how much I love this woman, that I had the capacity to forgiveness, unconditionally. I realized that my love for her was stronger than I had ever thought and that such love could overcome all.<p>I continued to do the right thing, even if that meant helping her find an apartment (I must have called 30 places) on the day she left me.<p>Now, I want to share with you an email she sent to me today. I am not saying that this is how your marriage will turn out. What I am saying is that it is possible and not to give up faith and not to do anything that will make things worse. Do your homework, read everything you can on being a good person and a good spouse. Most marriages do not end because of an affair....<p>This email came completely out of the blue for me and it is one of the most significant things to ever happen to me. I wept for nearly an hour, off and on, after reading. I was elated. I am very glad that my wife agreed that I could share it with you.<p>----<p>Just wanted to reconfirm how wonderful last night was. I am so glad that we are able to reconnect so quickly. I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose, but I was a little concerned that I had ruined everything and that we wouldn't be able to. I SO wish we had gone to counseling sooner. I think that it is helping immensely. I know it will be a long road, and at times it will be difficult, but I finally realize how much you love me, and I finally feel how much I DO LOVE YOU! We are finally learning to talk and listen to one another as we should have done all along. I cannot believe that I ever turned to anyone else. As you know, I am so very sorry, and I look forward to the future because I know my life with you can be everything I ever wanted and so much more. I never should have given up on you so easily. But, as has been established, I was blinded by the dream (fantasy) of perfection. Now that this dream has been shattered into a million pieces, everything is finally clear again. I've known all along that you were the one I want to spend my life with, or I never would have married you. I just went through a time of laziness and took what I could get from others rather than allowing you to give me everything that you have to offer. I didn't know how to express my needs in a manner that helped you to fully understand how I was feeling. Especially now, with the knowledge that we are gaining, and becoming better people, I know that soon we will have a marriage that everyone will be envious of. You are so much more of a man than (OM) ever was, or will ever be able to be. The more the blinders come off, the more I can see who he really is, and I cannot believe I let myself get tangled up in that. I, of course, am not blaming him, for I am just as much at fault. I just wish I could have seen through him and the things he was telling me long ago. I fully understand now, that, no matter what he said, he DIDN"T love me. Not in the true definition of love. Thank you for always loving me, supporting me, and sticking by me with everything that I have done. I know that I will be fully over him very soon, I feel it more and more each day. It continues to get easier, and I am continually feeling better about you/us. As we both know, counseling has helped me with this. I am finally learning to love myself which allows me to honestly love others. Because of all this, I know that the day will come very soon that I will return to OUR home. We have so many dreams and plans for our future. I know that we can get past this and have a much stronger marriage than we ever may have. For that, I suppose, on some level I need to thank (OM). We both (you and I) have had the life-altering experience that we needed to discover just how strong and deep our love is for one another. You are my dream man in so many ways. There is no such thing as a soul mate; there are only life mates, and you are mine. <p>----<p>When I asked her if I could share it, this was her response:<p>sure. at first i was reluctant, but the part about demonstrating to others that repair is possible is important. I am becoming a much more positive person (about life in general), and I'm trying to find ways to help others become so as well. helping them to have hope is important, so please, share it with others, because i know that we are going to succeed!!<p>----<p>Don't give up your faith.<p>-A very happy, blessed and lucky man.

Longing, that is great news.<p>Could you let us know what are your next plans of action?<p>Joe

Mr & Mrs Longing,<p>Thanks for sharing ... hope your journey of recovery will be protected and bless by the Lord.

Just, absolutely!<p>In a round about manner, I have gotten my wife to share with me some of her emotional needs and her Love Languages (The Five Love Languages-Chapman). I also purchased The RoMANtic's Guide-Webb. I plan to continue my plan A (from a distance since she still lives in an apartment) and to perform at least one act of love for her a week. I have subscribed to a romantic poem listserv where I receive one romantic poem a week. I will send that to her each week (edited so it appears I found it). I will bring her lunch to work on occasion (something that she liked about the OM), I will be sending her cards at her apartment, as well as work. I plan to be creative and to use my hands to make things of rememberance (I made a paper mache heart out of red paper and wedding invitations).<p>Basically, I am going to court her as I would if we had just fallen in love.<p>Very critical to my success is that I have NO expectations. I spent the majority of the day with her yesterday after work, I helped her do her laundry, she made us dinner, we worked on my resume, and we chatted about various stuff. In the end, I drove her back to her apartment and I helped her pack (for a local conference), and I washed her dirty dishes for her (big deposit). At the end of the night, she asked me to leave (in a nice manner) and I left. No hug, no kiss, nothing. I certainly would have enjoyed such but I have no expectations. That is VERY hard but it is necessary in my opinion. She will need to come to that point on her own.<p>We still have a very long road to travel and one that is not free of pot holes but we at least now going the right direction.

Longing,<p>All you need now is Time and Consistency ... you tackled Patience already. Yes, Longing, this is the only way we could get reluctant WS to choose and come to term. Until then you might not have a chance to have a fullfiling M. I will try to get Romantic's guide after I finish reading the 5 language. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Update:<p>Wife moved back in on Monday. Last night we went to MC together and wrote down our expectations of each other. They are not typed yet but when they are, I will post them here.<p>Perhaps our recovery can be a road map for others.<p>Much work still ahead of us but we are both optimistic.

Longing-<p>Thanks for the update. It sounds like things are going really well. I would like to read what kind of plan you guys develop to work on recovery. I don't remember but, did the A end naturally or was it forced some how? I truly believe this makes a difference the recovery process.<p>Continued success to you.<p>HoFS

c<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: vj ]</p>

Thank you for posting something positive. I just learned of my WH affair with a co-worker in late January. I have run the gamut of emotions in the past few weeks from anger, disbelief, sadness, loss of hope, and periodic bouts of hopefulness. I have been reading others' posts at MB and at TOW site and have been stunned by the prevalance of both the affairs themselves and of the amount of pain experienced by all. Very few stories of hope -- many of frustration and pain.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HofFenceSitter:
<strong>Longing-<p>Thanks for the update. It sounds like things are going really well. I would like to read what kind of plan you guys develop to work on recovery. I don't remember but, did the A end naturally or was it forced some how? I truly believe this makes a difference the recovery process.<p>Continued success to you.<p>HoFS</strong><hr></blockquote><p>In my case, I was only able to do plan a for three weeks. I could not continue to allow her to be a cakeeater (live at home with me as roommates while she continued her relationship with the OM - it was killing me). I gave her the plan B letter (and sent a copy to him as well). My intent was to go completely plan b but she manipulated me and I backed off from that (threatened me that it was over if I did not remain her friend basically). The OM ended it the same day that she moved out. Four days later, I told her that I in fact intended to move to full plan b (I had gotten stronger in her absence). Ten minutes later she called me and put her ring back on. I have been in full plan a ever since (and I am doing a pretty good job at it if I do say so myself). [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Brief update:<p>We both have individual counseling today and we will finalize our list of expectations today or tomorrow. We also have MC counseling on Wed so this should be a productive week. Hopefully I will have more for you on Thursday! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

The List of Expectations we created for each as promised:<p>Expectations I have of my wife:<p>1. Be understanding of my desire to share my thoughts and feelings with you.<p>2. Share your thoughts/feelings with caring and tact.<p>3. Provide openness and honesty with caring and tact.<p>4. Account for time and location.<p>5. No relationships with other men regarding things that are hidden.<p>6. Be understanding of my need/desire to jump at shadows.<p>7. Verbally apologize and ask for forgiveness when you do wrong.<p>8. Support me in my journey of getting over the pain and hurt that I feel because of what happened.<p>9. Work to replace guilt and self-loathing for love for yourself and for me.<p>
Expectations my wife has of me:<p>1. Understand that I am not perfect and if I am having a bad day, it does not mean I want to give up.<p>2. Understand that there will be times when I do not want to be affectionate. These times may be when you need it the most.<p>3. Continue individual counseling.<p>4. Understand that I will need “time-outs.”<p>5. Give me the freedom to decide when we discuss sensitive topics. Discussion will last no more than 1 hr/day.<p>6. Allow me the freedom to decide when I am ready to be intimate. Know that I will let you know when I am ready.<p>7. Support me in my journey of getting through (past) all the guilt and hurt feelings I have heaped on myself because of what I have done.<p>8. Work to build emotional strength and self-worth/esteem/image.<p>9. Work to discover a way to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.<p>Understanding = not reacting negatively.

Updated Expectations after this weekend...(changes are marked with an asterisk.)<p>Expectations I have of my wife<p>1. Be understanding of my desire to share my thoughts and feelings with you.<p>*2. Share your thoughts/feelings with caring and tact. Provide openness and honesty with caring and tact.<p>*3. Consider and respect me and my feelings in all of your decisions.<p>4. Account for time and location.<p>5. No relationships with other men regarding things that are hidden.<p>6. Be understanding of my need/desire to jump at shadows.<p>7. Verbally apologize and ask for forgiveness when you do wrong.<p>8. Support me in my journey of getting over the pain and hurt that I feel because of what happened.<p>*9. Work to replace guilt and self-loathing for love for yourself and for me.<p>*10. Understand my desire to remove all aspects of him from our lives. This includes any email, gifts, clothing, and even his name. Be proactive in this expectation and not wait for me to find something or have to ask for it to be removed.

Longing:<p>How did your W react to that last "expectation" of yours, number 10? <p>Reason I ask is that, though things appeared to be going okay for me and my WW over the past 2 months since D-day, I did find an email between the two of them on Friday that clearly was inappropriate, talked about her body in a sensual way, and gave the OM plenty of "handles" to imagine the A could continue, if he does the "right" things when they next meet. My W thinks I'm over-reacting, and gets VERY angry when I ask her to not communicate with him, but then in another moment seems to want to save our M. <p>hoping still,

Sorry for taking so long to respond, I was not aware that I had a reply.<p>My wife responded favorably to my request for such. She had read SAA so she is well aware of the necessity. She also wants to remove all aspects of him from our life because she does not want to be reminded of what she did. She still works with him, which is an issue for both of us, but there is little we can do about that for now (they are both teachers - and if he does not leave, she will).<p>You wife may be trying to ween herself of him; maybe moving from a PA to an EA. It is basically what my wife did when they ended it the first time. Problem is that they will never go through the withdrawal that is necessary.<p>If you can, get her to read SAA or at least the portion that covers why no contact is necessary for her, you, and your marriage.<p>Now for a brief update:<p>Things have been rocky lately with us living together again. Having my wife so close and knowing that we could not be intimate (she was not ready) was drving me flippin crazy. I was to the point of asking her to sleep in another room because I did not need to live with the temptation every day....<p>Well, I don't need to be worried about that any more. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In case you missed it, my wife put a big smile on my face yesterday that is still there today. She put a lot of effort and planning into making everything just right and I love her for doing so.<p>We have MC tonight and we will iron out the Expectations we have listed above.

Thanks for posting some postive info. I hope I can soon be on the same road as you. I kind of have my life on hold while my wife figures out if she is 100% committed. I will just continue to stand firm on my commitment to her, and for our marriage and look to the bible for help and understanding.

Mr. Bunky,<p>I asked my WH to move out over a month ago, but he has yet to find an apartment he can afford. Up until the last few days my H hasn't said too much except that I'm the one who wants the separation not him. He hasn't tried to discuss it with me or come up with a recovery plan.<p>I asked him to move out because although he is not currently active in an affair that I know of, he oes still work with the last OW (he swears they only kissed and shared sexual emails and I don't believe they didn't sleep together on 3 day business trip).<p>In the past few days he had a revalation that he has done what he's done because he hasn't forgiven me for an EA he thought I was having before we married. I never had an EA, but I think we handled it poorly at the time and never recovered.<p>We are thinking of MC with the Harleys, but I just looked at the fee involved and think it's steep. I know it's probably about right for counseling, but with our work we can go fre of charge. The only problem is we've been to 3 counselors and I have not been pleased. They basically just sit and listen and never give "homework" or much feedback. Last year my H was able to lie about contact with OW.<p>Anyway, my question is, should I hold off on the Plan B since he wants to talk and finally get over the past or do you think I still need to hold firm and continue MC/IC while he's away.<p>I'm rambling, but I'm not sure if it's a manipulation or not. Any thoughts or comments?<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Difficult call on that one. If you really think is is over, then there is no reason for the seperation.<p>The key I think is to establish boundaries that are satisfactory to you. My wife and the OM still work together but that is because they are teachers and she cannot just find a new job in teaching until the summer. One of them WILL be gone next year. If he does not quit, she will, so I am being patient on that issue.<p>My suggestion would be to ask him to find a new place of employment - especially if there is no sign of her leaving her job. Your marriage is more important than any job of standard of living. If he is not willing to sacrifice such for your marriage, then I think you have a clear picture of his priorities and a plan b, if necessary, will be much easier.<p>I definately recommend counseling. From what I have learned, you can meet with a counselor for 15 minutes or so (typically) to get an idea of what sort they are. At www.smartmarriages.com, there is a list of questions you can ask over the phone as a pre-screen to find out which ones will work. If you have to give up cable tv or eating out for dinner to find the money, I would not hesitate to do so. Divorce will be far more expensive than any marriage counselor.<p>Hang in there, I have hope for you and your situation.

Mr. Bunky,<p>Thank you for the reply. We are moving forward with the separation and he'll be in his apartment by the 1st of May. <p>After he mentioned he wanted to talk since he realized he never forgave me, he has yet to really talk about it. We've had ample time to do it and a couple times he preferred staying at work to play on-line scrabble (I know, I got on the site from home and saw him playing). I know he's exchanged emails with at least one woman from this site, which is hard for me to accept as he mostly met women while playing on-line games. We discussed this when he first started playing scrabble and he said I don't have anything to worry about.<p>Our marriage never was and never will be his priority!<p>Thank you so much for your time in responding.<p>God bless!

A lot has happened since my last update. Things have improved greatly. We have re-established our physical relationship (using POJA and the book, After the Affair) and we are/were growing closer and closer everyday.<p>Then I dropped a bomb on her.<p>Through all of my reading, I have been growing emotionally and spiritually more mature. I have struggled with both for a long time. From reading Torn Asunder and from reading Marriage Magazine, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to do some confessing myself. I want my wife to love the real me, not just the part I care to share with her. I also want to love her in a manner that puts her first, even higher than our marriage. To do so, I had to be honest with her. I had to give up the control I had maintained by keeping a secret and allow her to have complete control over her life. I am trying to love her as Jesus would.<p>When I learned of my wife's A, I ordered a test kit to detect semen on her underwear. I told her about this last night. The tests never cam back positive likely because the OM always used a condom. I also installed software on her computer to let me know what she would be writing. I unistalled it when she moved back in with me. I told her about this last night as well.<p>Lastly, I told her about a one-night stand I had when we were dating. The only thing I can think of why I did it was fear of commitment. It was a stupid way for me to test my love for my girlfriend. Too bad I did not know at that time that love is something you do, not something you feel. In trying to determine how I felt, I acted in an unloving manner. As it turns out, I felt so horrible that I was not able to finish the one-night stand. I ended it just as it started. I have carried around my guilt and self-loathing over it for almost five years. I knew it was keeping me from having the intimacy with my wife that I wanted but I was not mature enough at the time to be honest with her. Ever since that night, I knew that I never wanted that to happen again. I knew, for all the wrong reasons, that I wanted to be with my girlfriend, now wife, for the rest of my life and I made sure to cheat/affair-proof my relationship from then on. I spent an entire year on the road recruiting students at college campuses and I made sure as to not allow myself to get into any situation that would be dangerous or innapropriate and I continued such behavior once we were married.<p>I risked all last night in tell her this - that status of our recovery, our renewed physical relationship, even the future of our marriage. All of those things are very important to me but not as important as loving my wife as God would have me do.<p>We were scheduled to go to MC tonight (our weekly time) but instead we are going seperately. Please pray for us - that God will guide both of us to do his will. I know my wife has no reason to believe me (and in fact, has every reason not to believe me) but I have no other secrets from her. I cannot imagine a secret that would be bigger than the one I shared last night.<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>