I don't even know where to start. My H and I have been married for almost 8 years. We were young when we got married, 21. Things were pretty rough in the beginning. He called off our wedding initially. I gave him the time that he needed to figure things out-but he still wanted us to be committed to each other. Well, one of us was. So, we worked through that and eventually got married. That was really hard for me to deal with. It really messed me up emotionally, all of the lying and deceit. I knew this girl, we worked together. We had our first son in 97. He was really ill at birth. When he was about 9 mo. old I found out that H was talking to 2 women on the net. One was at least 20 yrs older and lived in our area. The other was our age and lived in a town that he had just gone to for a business meeting. Of course H denied everything, said that he was just playing games with the older woman. blah, blah, blah. Well, I don't think that they actually did meet, but I know that they did talk on the phone numerous times. The girl that lived in the other city-I don't think that they actually met either since my bro in law was there and said that H didn't leave his sight. We went to counselling for this. He said that there was nothing else to find out. Well, I was so angry that I called all of our friends and started asking who knew what. Well, one person said that there was some story about H and some "asian" girl. (I don't mean to offend anyone that is just what was said) When confronted he blew up and said no way! I believed him because the person who told me was a liar and con man. We ended up moving across the country. We went through a rough time where I found a lot of porn on the computer, and found a few emails. But H says that nothing happened. That was in 99. For the last 2 or so years things have been really good. About 1 1/2 yrs ago (while I was pregnant with 2nd child) I got an interesting email from one of the friends that I had previously questioned. She was mad about something stupid and thought that it was a good time to tell me that they only knew of one situation with my H. I talked with her and she said that it was the time that I knew about before we were actually married. Well, about a months ago one of my friends and I were talking about all that we had been through with our H's. She said something to the effect of "Yeah, and you got through that thing with that Asian girl." My heart stopped. I was just silent. She knew that I didn't know what she was talking about. So, she went on to tell me what she knew. Apparently this happened sometime in the first year or so of our marriage, so almost 6-7 years ago. I confronted my H when he got home that night. He said at first that he had gotten her # and that they had talked on the phone a few times but nothing more, I told him to try again. So, then he told me that they met at a bar one night and they headed back to our house and kissed for a little bit but that was all. (All of this happening while his friend-one of the guys that stood up at our wedding and the H of the girl who had sent me the recent email-was in the next room) He said that she turned on the lights and saw pics of me and was like I am outta here. He swore that he was being completely honest. Days went by and I just didn't feel comfortable that he was telling me the truth. I prayed hard about it. I asked God to help me get rid of the anger and feeling if I was wrong. Well the next morning I woke up knowing even more strongly that I had not heard the entire truth. So, I picked up the phone and called the "friend" who stood by and let all of this go on-completely condoning it. He refused to say anything, but his wife didn't. She told me that in fact my H had sex with this chic in my house and in my bed. (I was out of town for the night) When my H was confronted he still denied it for some time. He first said that they almost did, but it didn't happen, blah, blah, blah. Well, now that he has admitted to it, he knew there was no since in lying anymore, we have started counselling. My thing is that he doesn't know why he did it. If he doesn't know why he did it-then what is stopping him from doing it again. I want to leave so bad, but I am trying to make this work for the boys. I have been to hell and back with my H. It is also hard having a special needs child. That is something that I have to take into consideration. I just can't get rid of the anger and the visualizations. I hate it!!! I am so unhappy. I have never been this sad and unhappy in my life. I resorted to getting a prescription from my doc today. This is so unlike me. I am normally a very happy, uplifting person. I am snapping at my little ones so much more. I am so rude and ugly to my H. Sometimes I can't even believe the things that are coming out of my mouth. I just don't know if we can get through this one. I have never been unfaithful to him. It is so hard also because I have no friends or family here where we live to help for support with the kids or anything. Sometimes I just feel like I am losing my mind. Oh, did I mention that my H travels for his job? He is gone ALL of the time. Not a good thing for this situation.<p>Thanks for your time, sorry this is so long.

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>I am so sorry that you are going through this. <p>There are no excuses for your husbands behavior, but there are things that you can do for yourself and for your marriage.<p>I'll pass on all the advice that I've gotten over the past 6 months of dealing with the same thing.<p>First, take life one hour, one day at a time. <p>Get a support system in place - family, friends, counselor, priest/minister, and most importantly God.<p>Try your hardest to take care of yourself(not easy right now I know). But it's essential for yourself and for your children.<p>Please read the info. on this web site as well as Surviving an Affair (SAA) by Harley. This is important so that you will know what is really happening in your life right now. You will need this info. to help you make decisions about where you want to go from here.<p>There is a section on dealing with resentment that you may want to read. It's also normal for you to be angry and upset. Cry, yell, let out the emotion when you need to. It's ok.<p>Try not to take everything that your husband says to heart and as truth. He is in a "fog" and more than likely will not remember or does not even know how hurtful the things he says are. It will just make you upset by believing the things he says.<p>Now, know that you can rebuild your marriage, and it can be even better than before if you are both willing to work on it. After reading the material on this site and SAA, you will know if this is something you and your husband want to do. Familiarize yourself with terms like Emotional Needs(ENs), Love Busters (LBs), love bank and love units. You can even print out questionaires from this site. See if your husband want to do what it takes to rebuild your marriage. <p>You may even want a counseling session with someone at MB or go on a MB weeked to jump start the process by getting a plan together to rebuild the marriage.<p>It sounds like your husband needs counseling for his addiction, and if he is unwilling to get it, then you have to make some decisions about how you want to proceed.<p>You may want to try to PLan A and see if that will make him want to try counseling. It's not an easy road, and divorce with children is horrible. But it also takes two to make a marriage work.<p>Focus your energy right now on getting educated and getting in touch with what you feel is thr right thing to do. Remember that many people who are in your support group will want you to get rid of H because he's causing you and them pain - but remember that you will have to parent with him for the rest of your life, so he's not going anywhere. If you want to try and give your marriage another shot, then you will find lots of support here. <p>There are many recovery stories, but it takes alot of work, and there are no easy anwsers. <p>Prayer really works. May God Be with you now, and carry you through this valley of darkness. K

LIL,
Hi just wanted to say I also had trouble taking care of my kids when I found out, I snapped a lot, I felt so bad to yell at the kids but I couldnt help it, I worried I would never be a "GOOD" mommy again now that I was filled with anger.
I got over it and you can too. Its ok to be snappy and on edge your life was just turned inside out.
You are not alone

K-Thank you for your reply. The confusing thing for me is that my H did this like 6 years ago. I didn't find out until just recently. He has done a lot of changing in the last 2 1/2 years. He had become the man that I had always wanted. He accepted The Lord. He has done nothing to make me question his honesty or what he was doing. But, then this comes up and I am just blown away. I am questioning everything from the past. I am not believing much of anything. If this all would have come out back then, or even before he accepted The Lord, then I would know that I needed to leave him. But I am finding out now. I just don't know what to do about any of it. I just know that I am tired of the roller coaster. I hurts so much.

sadprincess-Thanks for your reply. I need all of the encouragment that I can get. I have had to just lock myself in the bathroom a few times just to get a moments peace. I feel bad, but with my husband travelling and always being gone, I have to do what I have to do.

Lost,
Just checking on you.
You kow what? It might have happened a long time ago but you just found out. It might make it worse to feel like the last two years a secret like this was kept from you.
You have a right to be angry and sad.
You are not alone