First let me say that I have found this to be the most informative site that I have come across. I think I have read everything and am just starting to read the posts. Since I am new, I am going to leave out the acronyms for now (until I learn them). I don't want to use the wrong one and confuse anyone. At first, I hesitated to post here because I am not mariied. I have been living with my partner for four years. It seams as though this all applies to us as well as any married couple. So, I hope I am not invading on something I shouldn't.<p>I am a 28 year old Male living with a 30 year old Female. I have known, loved, and lived with her for 4 years. We have had many of the same problems that many married couples have, and I know this is what has caused her infidelity (emotional only, for now).<p>Our first year together was great (as usual). After the first year, the newness wore off and the old began to shine through. We weren't meeting each others emotional needs. We didn't even know what they were. Two years into the relationship, she began talking to a married man online. He was filling the emotional needs that she wasn't getting from me, and it only took several weeks for her to feel 'in-love' with him. I am sure he was getting the same from her. Well, he decided to try to work things out with his wife and my partner was devastated. I supported her throughout the whole ordeal and I was then filling her needs. Needless to say, we got back together after a short break-up. This was only temporary, because we still didn't know what or how to continue filling each others emotional needs. It has been 2 years since that all happened and now she is doing it again. This time with a single man that lives 2000 miles away.<p>This second affair began at the end of January (4 weeks ago). She denied it, but I know she was feeling like she was falling 'in-love' within 2 weeks, and definately feels 'in-love' now (at 4 weeks). At the 2 week mark, we decided to separate for 10 days on the advice of her counselor and some friends. We decided on 10 days, because her sister was going out of town (to stay with someone she met on the internet) and her home would be empty. Her counselor told her to use the 10 days to take a break from me and the other man. At that time she was still insiting that they were "just friends". I expressed my concern that I thought she would just be using the 10 days to get closer to him. That is exactly what happened.<p>I mentioned her counselor, so I better tell you that she has seen this counselor for 5 years because she is bipolar (diagnosed 5 years ago). I'll get into that in another post because it has caused us to have problems everytime she stopped taking her medication.<p>Okay... let me try to bring you up to the present now.<p>I have not told her too much about my feelings yet, because it only seams to push her further away from me and closer to him. This is what I HAVE told her...<p>I have told her that I feel cheated on and I think that she has committed an emotional infidelity. She tries to justify herself by saying that our relationship was over a long time ago. (However, in December (just 10 weeks ago) she was still loving me and was talking about more committment between the 2 of us.) I have also told her that I forgive her for what she has done, because I can see that I wasn't filling her emotional needs and understand why she has looked elsewhere. I told her that she has had trouble communicating her needs, and it has taken these 2 break-ups for me to learn what they are. (It becomes very clear when you see your partner getting what they need from someone else.) I told her that I know what she needs from me now, and I am able to show her if she would give it a chance.<p>She has completely closed herself to me, and has built a wall to insulate herself from my feelings. I know that deep down somewhere, she doesn't want to hurt me, and 'the wall' helps her to feel numb about the hurt she is causing me. She is trying to 'shut me out' completely, permanantly, quickly, and begin a new relationship with him just as fast. They are talking about meeting each other very soon (anywhere from 1-3 months from now).<p>I know that the damage will be much greater if they turn this emotional infidelity into a physical one. If something isn't done very soon, this is exactly what is going to happen. Originally, she hadn't planned on meeting him for about a year. She based this on at least one lie that I know about (her weight). She sent him a picture of herself from 5 years ago when she weighed much less than she does now. My guess is that she figured it would take a year for her to lose the weight again. Well, she is losing weight much faster than she anticipated. She probably figures it will only take her 1-3 months to complete the weight loss now. I assume this is an added plus for her to meet him sooner as well. I told her I love her just the way she is and I don't care what she weighs. (She was overweight when we met.)<p>We are still living together for now (as room-mates), but she wants to end that soon. I think she plans on him coming to see her, and us living together is not an option.<p>As I said before, she is completely closed to me and she is not willing to give 'us' a chance. The internet and phone calls are just so powerful, she can't see that she really does care for me somewhere deep down inside. They are filling her most important emotional needs. I think she is becoming aware that a lot of it comes from her own fantasies (absence makes the heart grow fonder), but it is making her want to meet him even more and NOT work things out with me. <p>Will she (or can she) realize that he is not real? ...that she has made him into the perfect partner in her own mind (fantasies)? ...is this what has to happen for her to give us another chance? ...or does she have to feel my pain and the hurt she has caused me?<p>What has to happen for her to realize that I am a real person who loves her very much just the way she is, and wants to be with her and learn and grow from our troubles? I am ready and educated enough (I know I have more to learn) about all this to start filling her needs (love bank) if she would just give me the chance. She is just barely open enough to me as 'a friend' for me to make some very small 'friendly' deposits. What has to happen for her to allow me to make the large deposits that I want to make but she is unwilling to receive? I know that right now the other man is filling her most important emotional needs (making large deposits), and she feels as though she doesn't want or need any from me. Is there anyting I can do to change this?<p>Other than what I have mentioned, I have pretty much been quietly waiting. I have expressed to her that I want to talk about what happened between us, but she seams to be avoiding that topic. She would rather talk about how we are going to split up our belongings.<p>Oh, more questions...<p>Should I try to educate her on what is happening and why she can feel 'in-love' over the internet in just one month? ...or should I wait to see if she will come around on her own? Should I try to make her see things the way that we all do? Would that help her come around or would that just push her away?<p>So many questions! I think I will stop here before I really confuse you (and maybe myself, LOL).<p>I want to thank (in advance) anyone who read this far. I know this was a very long post.<p>Thank You!

Dear Friend:<p>You are not alone. Your story sounds very familiar to my own except for the fact that I am married and have children with my WS. I have found in my experience that you have to let go. However difficult it may be you have to realize you can not control what is happening. And trying to do so just brings more pain and lies. Try to take care of yourself and she will soon realize what she is missing. Unfortunately, that may mean, (probably) that the affair must go on and they will decide to come to their senses at some point. That will be painful but necessary. Have faith, and pray for strength. You have tried Plan A. Plan B is so necessary now. She must leave. Go forward and move or ask her to and don't wait until the man comes to meet her do it now. She has to be away from you to see the value in what she had-her blessing. I hope this helps you. If you want to talk please drop me a post. I understand your pain. and I am so sorry for you.

My heart goes out to you. I agree with WUCUS. You have tried plan A - but perhaps without being able to resist making 'selfish demands' - i.e. trying to talk about it when she is not ready. She doesn't want to face the fact that she has done this not once but twice. This is very painful, but talking about it isn't going to make it better, and if she is bi-polar, it may not ever be possible for you to meet her emotional needs. My family has several members who are both bi-polar and schizophrenic - one family member (bi-polar) just committed suicide - I can guess what you are going through. The swiftness with which she falls in love over the internet could be a symptom of her illness and not necessarily anything to do with you - so you should not take it all on to yourself. This doesn't mean she is any less lovable as a person. But meeting people over the internet is not terribly 'real'. You build up a lot of expectations which aren't necessarily met, once you find yourself with that person on a day-to-day basis. The OM may give her over the internet lots of E attention which he may utterly fail to give, once he has her living with him. This may be something she has to go through in order to find out what she has lost. I'm really sorry to hear you are at this point - but you're a brave person for doing everything you can to face up to this - you have a lot of love to give someone, or you wouldn't have put so much into trying to love her. I'll pray for you.
Odile

Thank you both and I am sorry about your loss.<p>I was wondering if anyone else has had this same question I have had...<p>I began to look to prayer for support. Science tells us we have to let go, but the Bible tells us just the opposite.<p>Should I follow Science or Religion or both, and if I follow both... how is it done?<p>This is an exerpt from a wep page...
http://www.newhope.bc.ca/99-07-04.htm<p>----------------------------------------
..... II. Healing Offended Relationships Should be a Priority With Us. We were created to live in wholesome relationships. Its in relationships that we reach our full potential. <p>1. God expects us to be pro-active in winning back the estranged person. There is one question that we need to concern ourselves with, "God what do you want me to do to fix this broken relationship?"
The necessity of being pro-active is demonstrated by Jesus. "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?" (Matthew 18:12 NIV)
The Apostle Paul said that he would go the second mile, change habits and life style to win back an offended relationship. "Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." (1 Corinthians 8:13 NIV) Remember, life is too precious to spoil with offended relationships. Be pro-active, make the first move and walk the 100th mile.
2. The assigning of blame is an exercise in futility that keeps offended people separated. When we become obsessed with establishing blame it has the effect of adding more chains and locks to the gate. The fact is that both parties are to blame for the problem but knowing the degrees of blame does not promote healing.
A restored relationship is more important than brownie points. "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." (Galatians 6:1 NIV) Who is the spiritual one? Its the one who knows there is a problem that needs fixing. Remember, life and people are too precious to accept as normal the pain and estrangement of offended relationships. <p>III. Healing offended relationships often requires miraculous intervention.
The million dollar question is, "How can I bring healing to a spirit that has closed to me?.....
----------------------------------------<p>
gbirch

Could you elaborate more on "Science tells us we have to let go" ?. What is your understanding on what the word of God want you to do in this relationship ?.

By Science, I mean that Psychology tells us we have to let go if someone is closed to us.<p>It is my understanding that God would want me to do all I can to restore the relationship. Also being forgiving, understanding, gentle, etc. at the same time.<p>This is somewhat confusing to me. As if I am receiveing two very different messages.

Dear gbirch,
Your comments made me want to share a little with you - I've just discovered my husband's 2nd cyber affair in 6 months - the emotions he has expressed to these two other women - the light-hearted fun which has disappeared from our relationship - have torn me apart inside. I have confronted him each time and am now at a standstill - desperately trying to sort out a plan A with someone who doesn't seem to know what he wants at all anymore. The first time, I went through a lot of soul-searching (probably not enough) - but I learned that one mistake I had made was to make my husband my rock and my fortress instead of God - I did turn to prayer every day, and found refuge there - the Psalms are especially helpful when you don't know how to articulate your distress - Ps. 31,37,39, and 40 are good ones to start with. As well as helping me with pain, I tried to listen to the promises God has made to us - but His wisdom is so much better than ours - we think we know how to deal with things, but usually we are wrong - I have proved this in my marriage by being confrontational instead of giving. I am now praying for God to give me a forgiving heart. I feel, (know) that alone, this isn't possible for me, but God forgives everything (the Prodigal Son) so I know He can help me towards this if I truly want it. I dreamed a dream, when I asked God for help a few months ago - I said "I don't know what to do - show me Your way" - I fell asleep at 5AM and woke from this powerful dream. I dreamed I was in bed with a man (my husband) - he was covered with S+++, and he turned to me and said 'beat me' - I could not - the sight was too awful, and I realized how badly he had been beaten - how mistreated - I had only my own hands and mouth to clean him and heal his wounds - so I used them, as best I could, and afterwards, I stood over the sink, emptying my mouth of S+++. God was telling me what to do - don't punish, no matter how bad he is - this won't solve anything - and keep your mouth clean - stop saying things that injure and hurt - use your mouth and your hands only to heal. God comes to those who seek Him. Of this I am totally convinced. We all fail - I didn't succeed at this the first time - now I have a second chance to forgive - I am trying - his sin may be failing me, but anger is as damaging a sin, and that is mine - so we each of us are no better than the other.
I hope this gives you hope. Just ask God to help you - He will.
Odile

gbirch,<p>Here is my 2¢. Yes, you have to do what 1 Cor 13:4-7 tells us to do. We also have to love and fill our SO emotional needs. You get that right already. Now about letting go ... those are psyco-babble that you have to put it in the correct frame. Remember the best lies are half truth [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !!!. You have to let go of her, if she wish to part w/ you but you do not push her out. The letting go is in your mind frame to accept and honor her wish. In other word, You set her free b/c you love her and seek what best for her interest. Not b/c you have to protect your feeling or mental health.<p>Now read about plan A, fill in ENQ and LBQ for your SO. Stop the LBs that is a requirement. Look at the ENs lists which one you are lacking and train yourself to it. Try to listen or remember on what are her complains about R. Work on it one by one and show changes to her.<p>Keep posting for updates, questions and supports.

gbirch,<p>I don't think you are going to like what I am about to say. But, I need to say it. First, you are not married. You are in a relationship. That doesn't lessen your love for her, but it does indicate that your relationship was/is not ready to go into a commitment stage.<p>Given your GF's behavior, I know you are saying "Duh" what is this guy talking about. What I am talking about is there is a reason we get engaged or have a relationship before a marriage and that is to find out about the other person.<p>What you are finding out about your GF is that she doesn't want to be in the relationship you have with her. Maybe she wants the fantasy of the internet affairs, maybe there are indeed needs you don't meet. But also remember approaches like MB are addressing relatively normal people. Your GF also has the issue of bipolar which apparently she doesn't address full time.<p>The message you are getting is that she is not the one. No matter how much you love her she is not the one for you. Maybe some years down the road, perhaps in only a year or two but right now NO.<p>You cannot educate her, you cannot run her life, you have no moral claim on her as a husband. I realize I sound harsh gbirch but I am telling you from experience don't force a relationship that isn't a marriage. Even marriages shouldn't be FORCED especially if no children are involved.<p>My message to you is do a good Plan A. Learn about yourself and your needs. Learn how to learn about the other persons needs. Don't LB and treat her with kindness, but move out and move on.<p>If it is meant to be, it will happen later after she has learned the many things you know you could teach her if she would listen. But she won't. This is stuff she has to learn on her own. She is not ready for a relationship, much less a marriage.<p>You are young and there are many women out there, go see what life has in store for you and trust in your faith, that your good thoughts and deeds will be rewarded.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thank You All<p>Let me see if I understand what you are all saying.<p>I need to let go, but do it in a way that is without LB and with kindness. I think I can do that.<p>About plan A
You are saying we should still try plan A?<p>We haven't really tried it yet. I haven't asked her to, because I know she is closed to me. Should I ask anyway? Right now I don't think she is willing to try any plan.<p>Well, I am out of time. There are some updates I would like to tell you about. As soon as I can, I will post them.<p>Thank You

gbirch,<p>Plan A is for you to do, and she doesn't need to know about it. It is not a mutual thing. I only recommended it because if you read up on it and try it you will learn so much about yourself and how other people respond to you.<p>That will be useful in your next relationship. I doubt that your current one is what you want/need even it can be salvaged. That of course if for you to judge. However, a little practice and knowledge about Plan a will help you.<p>That I think is what most here are talking about. We would like to see you learn something from this relationship and be able to take it to the next where I suspect you will be much happier and much more aware of the dynamics of marriage.<p>If I could recommend one book to you it would be His Needs Her Needs and then Surviving an Affair both by Harley. They are easy to read and much of what you have heard here will make more sense. So will your GF behavior. That is the idea.<p>God Bless,<p>JL