Well... here goes.
I've been married 10 years. For most of that time I was reasonably happy- normal ups and downs. The BIG down was finding out my husband had a PA with a 26 year old employee of his (he's 36). She too is married, 2 small kids, her second marriage. This was spring of 2001. Things had been rough since last February for us, the usual signs were there indicating the affair, and it was not until June, 2001 that I found out the truth. Looking back I feel so stupid to have not seen all the signs, but I trusted my husband completely, with all my soul and heart. That's probably why it was such a shock (when isn't it??). I was in a rage. He moved out for one week, severed all contacts with the OW, and moved back in. We have been on rocky roads ever since and have had several times when we considered separation.
My husband has done all the right things. Professed his love for me and willingness to work on our marriage, gifts, cards, meeting my needs, explaining his, millions of I'm sorries, etc, etc. And he really is working hard to save our marriage, including actively participating in couples counseling, seeking help for his depression....really all the right things.
Here's my problem. I can't get over it. I am so hurt inside, I think about it lots, every day. Sure we have good times, occasionally laugh, and have some indications that we can save this marriage, and we really want to keep our family intact (two small kids, too). I feel so wounded--and the pain is not subsiding. I want to give him and us a chance, but I can't seem to get over that hump to honestly forgive him, try to forget the past, and go on. I constantly remind him how much I hurt, and I do hurt. I've been treated recently for depression, which it was obvious was going on with me, and that has helped some. I feel like I am getting hopeless that this pain and hurt of betrayal by my husband, whom I trusted and loved so much, will ever go away.
Any helpful advice or comments is appreciated. Thanks!

[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Welcome goldenretrieverlover...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Your H has started on a Plan A...
...you should consider doing the same.
Check out my post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Forgiveness is hard...
...and requires much more effort...
...and "choice"... than most would expect.<p>Check out the following... Forgiveness references...<p>Web sites..
Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself
The Forgiveness Web<p>Books...

1. The Art of Forgiving :[/b] When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How by Lewis B. Smedes
2. [b]Forgive and Forget [/b]: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
3. [b]The Choosing to Forgive Workbook[/b] by Les Carter, Frank Minirth

<p>[b]Links to posts...
Can I forgive?????&#8230;..indy032&#8230;..1/31/2000
Forgiveness.....&#8230;..just_me&#8230;..6/5/2000
Bible Verse = Forgiveness&#8230;..ZZZ4991&#8230;..5/4/2001<p>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?&#8230;..redman&#8230;..8/23/1999
Things my husband did to rebuild trust&#8230;..HGBrawner&#8230;..3/17/2000<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

hi Goldy,
Sorry to meet you here. Keep reading here and you will see you are a lucky one since your husband (H) wants to work on your marriage.
When you feel these dark feelings what is it? Put a name to it - I feel .....lonely, scared,angry. Then dissect it and see where its coming from.
I felt a lot of anger each time I started to love my H again, soon I realized it was a protection thing and then looked at it as a good sign when the angry spells came.
I was also touched by a sermon of Chuck swindolls - called "forgiveness is not probation"
It spoke to me that I was just waiting for my H to "mess up " again and I hadnt truely forgiven him and freed him from his guilt.
I also had a slump around 6-7 months where I didnt feel the love I used to feel for my H, I felt like we were back where we started and thats when the affair began. I couldnt win!
Feel free to email me if you like.
You are not alone

Thank you Jon and sadprincess for your helpful information. I have already gotten the books you recommended and read the websites you referred me to. They were quite helpful. I know in my head what the right things to do are, the right things to say, how to divert myself from the negative thoughts and inner pain I am continuing to experience. I feel that I could put my two cents in to some others who are continuing to struggle with similar issues. But when it comes to me--just can't seem to break out of the hurt/pain mode.
I seem to do well at work, or in the company of friends. But the minute I am around my husband, I feel like I sink into a deep, dark hole. I appreciate all he is doing to continue and work on this marriage. I feel too hurt and upset to dedicate myself to Plan A, even though I know it's the right thing to do. I feel like I am really not sure if I like him anymore. In fact, I looked at him the other day and thought he was ugly! And this is a man that I used to think was the best looking I had ever seen.
It's so hard for me to believe that if I hang in there and continue to work hard that I will ever feel any different than I have for so many months. I will keep trying!!

It sounds to me you need to work on the forgivness part. You have not forgiven him and keep holding onto the emotion. This is now starting to effect you on a deeper level. The two things I suggest is:<p>1). Work through the issue of forgiveness and forgive him.
2). You state that he has been doing all of the right things but what have you been doing for him. If you start doing those loving thing (even if you do not have those feeling) you will eventually have those feelings return. Feelings are a decision. Currently you have feelings of anger because of your lack of forgiveness. You need to deal with the forgiveness and then start doing the things that you should do for your husband as if you were in love and over time those feeling will occur.

Thanks Hubby-
I do think you have hit upon the core issue for me- I have not forgiven him. I think I have started that process, however. In fact, if I hadn't already started that process, I would not have remained in this marriage for the past months. I would have been gone long ago. I am going to read all I can about forgiving, I think that has to happen. Only then can I move forward. <p>I had a session with our counselor today, by myself. The counselor told me I have an option that I really hadn't considered yet. Of course he didn't outright "recommend" it. My husband and I could have a set separation, anywhere from one to three months, and we could live as if we were "dating". That might give me time to work on things and heal without him around. Unfortunately, with children ages 3 and 5, and a busy work schedule on my part, I'm not sure it's the right thing to do. It would probably cause me more stress! He is a very good father, and I'm not sure how it would affect my children. <p>Does anyone have thoughts or opinions on a separation like this? Thanks very much.

GRL,
If your H is trying to do everything right why are you POSSIBLY thinking of a seperation?????
Know what I think? I think you want to hurt him like he has hurt you, show him what you do for him, make him grateful to have you......
You can "date" while he is home just as well and not disrupt your childrens lives.
You are afraid, and rightly so, that he will hurt you again if you trust/love him.
If I even come close to being right it's not cuz Im psychic I was there. I am soo glad I worked on my part of the marriage now.
When you get the feelings of "It wont ever work out, why am I trying?" what caused that feeling? Do you feel superior to your H ? Do you think "I would have never done something so stupid".?
Or maybe he is doing everything right but you suspect he is still having the affair.
Whatever it is you need to keep thinking about it till it comes to you.
Why does it have to be so hard?

sadprincess-
I think that I was considering separation because whenever I was around my husband, I sank, felt really down and out, thought about all the hurt, felt all the hurt more than any other time. I really had trouble being nice to him. If I was away from him- say at work, with other friends, or with the children I felt pretty good about myself. I was thinking that some time away from him, such as a separation, might let me have some time not feeling so down and depressed.
The good news is that there has been a big turnaround in my attitude the past few days. I think reading all the posts here helped me greatly, and gave me the realization that I am very lucky to have the situation I'm in with a husband who gave up his affair (for certain he did) and is willing to work and do Plan A on his part. Perhaps I did want him to suffer like he made me suffer- I don't know for sure. This weekend we had one of the best weekends EVER, and I am so thankful. There was actually some warmth and tenderness. I feel like a corner has been turned and I pray that it continues this way.
Finally, I accepted that the affair happened, and I can't change that it did. But, I can change my attitude, which has begun. And now I know I can forgive him and march on. We still have a long way to go, I know, but today is the first time that I can honestly say I feel we're in recovery!! I also think the antidepressants I was started on have begun to kick in- I feel so much more emotionally stable.

GRL,
Glad to hear it I was starting to worry about you! If you reread what you said: "you were ok at work.... so if you seperated you wouldnt feel so sad.
UH, your husband cheated on you your supposed to feel sad. You can feel sad today or a year from now but you will feel sad.
Remember there is a reason we all talk about the rollercoaster, remember this good weekend when the bad day comes and know it will all even out.