I'm new, so I'll do the best I can.
My wife and I have been together for 6+ years, got married 2 years ago, and have a 4 year old daughter.
Over the course of our relationship, she has voiced her concerns that I don't do enough to show her I love her...and that I'm emotionally closed off. I agree I'm not an outwardly emotional guy, and I do the best I can to make her feel special.
Well, I had some health issues that made me suspect she was having an affair. I began to look at cell phone bills and saw one # over and over again...which made my suspician grow.
The Dr called the other day and informed me that I've tested positive for herpes.
I confronted my wife, and she finally admitted to having an affair. She states she doesn't know if she loves the OM, and that she's not sure how much she still feels for me.
Strangely enough, I want to try and save our marriage, but she says she's "not sure what she wants, and that she needs time to sort through her feelings. I asked her to not see the OM while we work this out, and she promissed she wouldn't.
I also called the OM and told him to back off while this works itself out.
I feel betrayed and am having a hard time trusting her. I can't wait in limbo....I need to know what direction we're heading.<p>What do I do????????

Dear Devastated,
Please don't give up. I'm in a similar space to where you're at right now - although my husband hasn't (yet) had a physical affair. He's had two secret emotional affairs in 6 months - we're just now back sleeping together (2 days) after 2 weeks apart and lots of anger. You say you're not emotionally expressive - I hear you're willingness to try and change. Your wife has gone looking for the attention she doesn't get from you in someone else's arms. She's wrong to do this, but we all have to face where we've gone wrong if we're going to stay together. If you really love her, you'll stick with it and give a good plan A a try - it's a good sign that she's willing to give up OM - but remember, she will be going through withdrwal and may backslide - be prepared to forgive her - read Dr. Harley - make no demands on her and try to give to her what she wants to hear - women need to be TOLD and SHOWN your love - you can't take it for granted that they just know - this is the problem between my husband and I, only instead of having an affair, I have let my own anger and frustration voice itself against him, and instead of changing him, I've driven him away from me. I'm trying to change - I know he still loves me. We're both still trying. Tell your wife you love her and commit to change. I'll pray for you.
Odile

Welcome ckblade21...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out my post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Returning hurt... with more hurt...
...will kill your marraige.<p>Returning hurt... with love (the "choice" kind of love)...
...might not save your marriage... but will keep you sane... and able to love forever.<p>In time... you will learn to forgive your W...
...check out the links in Notable Posts/Threads... for more ideas.<p>You have my prayers!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Thanks for the kind words and support.
I actually began with Plan A about a month ago when we had a long discussion about our marraige.
However, she admitted to the affair only 4 days ago.
I realize the affair is not MY fault, but I feel greatly responsible for creating the climate that made it an option for her. I've apologized over and over for my past mistakes and have told her of my desire for a fresh start. Over the past 4 weeks, we've not made love, but I've done everything else I can to make her feel special and loved. I hold her hand and hug her whenever I get the chance, I constantly tell her how much I love and care for her.
Problem is, I feel like I'm giving this everything I have, and I don't feel much coming back from her. Most times I tell her how I feel, she brings up an example from the past of how I was unresponsive when she tryed to connect with me.
The only discussion of the affair was the day she confessed. She said she was sorry, and that it hadn't been going on that long.
She asked me if I hated her and wanted her to leave, to which I said no. Since then, we've not really discussed it at all.
I guess I feel like she has her mind made up that she wants out, but she doesn't want to leave. Its like she wants me to make that decision for her. I don't know.
Im trying so hard....and I don't know how long I can keep it up.

I need help. A friend of mine just called and told me that his wife was an aquaintence of the OM's ex girlfriend. Apparently, when the OM's ex learned he was having an affair with my wife, she kicked him out because it had happened several times before. The OM moved into a storage area, and as I hear it, has a reputation as a scumbag.
Part of me wants to tell my wife what I've heard about the OM, because after all, I love her and want to protect her....but she'll no doubt view this as confrontational, and a vendictive move on my part....and that'll do more harm than good.
Should I keep Quiet, and let her discover who this man is on her own, or should I tell her what I know.
She promised not to see the OM while we try and sort this through....but my trust is shaky at best. I want more than anything to believe in her, but its very hard right now.

If it's true that the OM is living in a storage area, could it be that my wife is buying time because she has nowhere else to go?

Dear CKblade21 - if you're afraid your wife will think you're trying to control her, can you ask your friend what he thinks about being the one to tell her about the OM's ex-girlfriend? What about getting the OM's ex to talk to your wife - if she's been through this before, she might be more than happy to let your wife in on her knowledge of his past affairs - if your wife could realize that she's being used, maybe it will help her get a better perspective. I contacted my husband's e-mail friend and told her she was the 2nd one this year - I asked her to back off is she didn't want to be the one to break a marraige with 2 small children. She said she would, and didn't even know we were having problems - now I have to see what happens - I know if my husband doesn't get himself sorted out, it will happen again with another girl. Your wife doesn't sound like she wants to leave you - she sounds confused and upset - don't always leap to the worst conclusion - she will be upset with herself if she realizes this other guy was only using her - it takes time. Be patient. You sound like you're doing a good job. Now you know you do have it in you to be able to be loving - but read the section on Love Busters - and keep trying. Maybe she will listen to someone else about this guy - maybe you can't do everything - maybe it's something she needs to hear from someone else - after all, is she's got herpes - HE got it from sleeping around - so he would be bound to cheat on her. That's pretty conclusive proof of his character.
Stay strong,
Odile

Right now make sure you have read SAA(Surviving and Affair) so that you are familiar with what is going on in your relationship.<p>Know that affairs are like addictions and that if your W has really given up OM that she will go through withdrawal.<p>I'd really read up on Plan A - try to see if she'll fill out teh EN and LB questionaires - they can be printed off this site - and if she won't then you fill them out as if you were she.<p>Will your W go to counseling - maybe with Jennifer or Steve Harley - they are a great way to jump start recovery - very convincing.<p>Make sure you have a support system - friends, family, counselor, priest/minister, and God. <p>Alot of WS fence sit for a while because it is very hard for them to give up the OP - because it;s like an addiction. Try to help her if you can and work on the rules of recovery of she'll agree. <p>Try to work on the rule of time to keep her mind off of OM, and meet other EN's if she'll let you like conversation( but not about A), does sheneed attention? flowers? supportive loving cards? <p>It will not add units to love bank until withdrawal is over, but it may help prevent a relapse. The goal is to get her through withdrawal so that she will want to work on the marriage.<p>Good Luck. K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ckblade21:
<strong>If it's true that the OM is living in a storage area, could it be that my wife is buying time because she has nowhere else to go?</strong><hr></blockquote>
IMVHO, your W is not convinced on your changes yet, it is too early. Plan A'ng your butt off. Lists all the issues and address it all. Focus on those and try to be the person that she "loved" when you two met. You have to snoop too but you have to be carefull and never use the result to confront W, just to monitor your plan A.<p>You battle sin by doing good.

dear ck- im in a simalar situation with my husband not really returning the emotional needs stuff. its hard, but hes just not ready to face what he has done. he has always been emotionally challenged when it comes to conflict. hes great with the loving and happy emotions but cant deal with the hard ones, just ignores them and the situation hoping it will go away. he was called "EMOTIONALLY RETARDED" by our first counselour. that went over real big! be patient and give her time. you cant controll her-you can only controll how you act and react to her. it is very difficult, believe me i know. maybe you should consider anti-d's to help with the thoughts and compulsive behavior. it really does help. i am praying for you, hopefully you have the strength. read and educate yourself so you understand not only yourself, but her as well. keep posting and venting here and not at her.

Thank you for all the prayers and Kind words.
I just talked to my Wife. She says that I'm not giving her the space she needs to figure out what she wants. She says she has been too concerned with whether or not I'm OK, that she really hasn't thought about her own feelings. I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm trying too hard. I've been attempting to show affection at every oppurtunity. Maybe I need to cool it a bit, and just let her have the space she wants. Problem is, even though she promised me she wouldn't see the OM while we work this through, I suspect she called him today. I'm not positive, but she hung up the phone abruptly when I entered the room after reading our daughter a bedtime story.
I'm going NUTS!

After Ive had an hour or so to really think about it...My wife seems to want me to sit tight while she decides whether or not she wants to try and save our marriage. How much time do I give her?
I haven't given her a timeframe...but have told her I can't go on in limbo for long.
She promised to not see the OM while she sorts this through, but I'm sure she's talked to him on the phone.
What do I do if the affair continues while she is "figuring out what she wants"? We're still sleeping in the same bed, but I kiss her good night, give her a hug and tell her I love her...but thats it. She seems very distant, and I don't know how to deal with it.
Still down low!<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

ckblade21,<p>She says that I'm not giving her the space she needs to figure out what she wants. She says she has been too concerned with whether or not I'm OK, that she really hasn't thought about her own feelings. I don't know what to do.
That is part of plan A, give as much space as she needs it. She has to come on her own term in order for you to start rebuilding your M.<p>I'm going NUTS!
Keep your focus. List her issues and work on those instead. Show it to her that you could change and start from stop giving her affection too much, just take what she is comfi. about.<p>After Ive had an hour or so to really think about it...My wife seems to want me to sit tight while she decides whether or not she wants to try and save our marriage. How much time do I give her?
Until either A outlast you or you outlast A. In any case you do not tell her you time frame, it will only put burden on both of you. Just keep it on your mind and tell her that you will hang in there as long as you can and no guarantee that you will be there.<p>What do I do if the affair continues while she is "figuring out what she wants"? We're still sleeping in the same bed, but I kiss her good night, give her a hug and tell her I love her...but thats it. She seems very distant, and I don't know how to deal with it.
How do you kill sin ? ... by doing good. For now, do not expect anything, keep doing it and be consistent.

Back way off in my opinion. Don't waste your time with expectations. She can't and won't live up to any of them right now.<p>I am torn between the principles advised in SAA and in Love Must Be Tough. I think all too often, those that follow SAA allow themselves to be doormats -- that they would do anything to retain their spouse, even if that means putting up with behavior that is disrespectful to ourselves. One lady in the Love Must Be Tough book even allowed her spouse to bring the OW into their bed for a three-way. She thought she was fullfilling one of her husbands ENs.<p>I think you are currently in a good situation to excercise some tough love. What you need to ask yourself is if you can live with the consequences of tough love. If not, then plan A is definately the right direction. In my situation, my wife was using me and manipulating me while I was in plan A. I put up with it for three weeks then I asked her to move out (the OM ended the A later that night). Since then I have been plan Aing from a distance (while still maintaining an assertive position), and she now is ready to move back in and to live up to my expectations. She would not be allowed to move back until such time. I could live with the consequences of such.<p>I love my wife and it because of that love, I don't accept behavior from her that would further disrespect me and our marriage. It took me many weeks of being a doormat, begging her to not leave me for the OM (which she eventually did) before I was able to become strong.

I'm all for Plan A, but as I understand it, even allowing for space for the WS to "figure things out," there still has to be a TIME LIMIT to how long Plan A will last. Isn't there a recommended time frame? I don't know about Plan A'ing as long as you can, I thought it was supposed to have a definite beginning and end. I am referring now to Plan B. My thoughts on this, then, would tend toward the notion that you should have some sort of game plan for when Plan A ends and you begin Plan B. I think this is where we hit the hard part, because as BS, we don't really want to accept that the marriage could or would be over. This woman has given you a STD!! Surely you can Plan A to a point where you know you have lovingly given her the open door to change, but at some point that door must close and your life will go on. And your ability to love will go on, despite the enormous hurt all of this has caused you. Only you will know when you have had enough, but bottom line here for me, IMVHO, is that you need to figure out how long you will Plan A, and be prepared for Plan B. I hope it doesn't come to that, but you have to think about yourself in all of this, too.<p>Best of luck, truly.

Thank you all for your support. I'm using plan A as best I can, but am losing patience fast. Plan B scares me.....we have a 4 year old daughter who is very emotionally attached to both of us. A separation would no doubt be very damaging to her.
I've thought about plan B alot, and if that becomes the next step, I feel my Wife should be the one to move out. After all, She is the one who chose to have her needs met outside of our marraige and family. I surly had a big part in creating the atmosphere that made an affair an option for her, but damn it, she chose it.
If she came to me today and wanted to work things out, I'd be all for it...but I'm losing hope fast!
Besides, how do you use plan B when a small child is involved. IMO, we are both the parents, and some communication is necessary. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge if and when it comes.<p>I have an appt. with a therapist/counseler today, and my wife previosly agreed to go. However, last night, she said that so much has happened since the last time I went, that maybe I should go alone. I gave her the address and the time, and told her I'd love to have her there, but only if SHE wanted to come....and I made it clear that I didn't want her to come if she was "doing it for me". She's got to decide what she wants for everyone's sake.
I'm praying.......

Plan B with child is covered in the SAA book. If possible, you make arrangements through a mutual friend. If you spouse wants to see the kids, you leave them with the mutual friend, you spouse gets the kids from them and returns them to the friend, and then you pick them up later. Any communication is to be done through a mutual friend as well. I am of the opinion that email works just as well for the communication portion. You don't want to abuse your friendship with someone and it is better if you don't have to go through as many go-betweens.

Well...went to the therapist today, and my wife showed up. Imagine that. I'm not sure she really wanted to go, but I guess the fact that she showed is a positive sign The hour gave me a better understanding of how I'd hurt her in the past. Not that she hasn't told me before, but it just seemed to make more sense hearing her tell someone else. She's still trying to "figure out what she wants"...and I'm still Plan "A"ing.<p>Anyways...She told the therapist she has ended the affair, but that she still talks to the OM.
IMO, "ended" means no contact whatsoever. The way I see it, she has suspended the physical aspect, and its now just an Emotional affair....but the physical is bound to return at some point.
Should I suggest she not have any contact with OM whatsoever??...in hopes that'll help her decide what she wants sooner? Or should I hang in there, continue with plan A and give her a bit more time to find her way on her own??
Any suggestions??

A couple of other issues I've had on my mind....
first, My wife's father died a few months ago, and because of a unique family situation, the handling of his estate has been a mess...and its been very stressful on her. Secondly, she has had alot of stress at work, and has just been offered a promotion that will eventually demand more from her at work if she accepts.
So, there are other forces at work here that are overwhelming her....and I understand that.<p>However, after some serious thinking, I've decided I'll give Plan A around 3 months (give or take a week). We're already at the one month mark.....so, two months to go.
Now that the shock of learning about the affair has pretty much gone, I will plan A my a$$ off for another 2 months or so. If she can't decide on what she wants by then, I'll ask her to move out, and implement Plan B full force. This is an ultimatum to myself, because at times, I really feel like a doormat. She "says" the PA is over, however, the EA is still happening, and its only a matter of time before the PA resumes.
So, I'm hoping in the coming weeks, she'll decide to give our marriage a chance. I'll do everything I can to fill her ENs in that time.
Im hoping and praying.<p>Thank you all for your support and input.

Well, all hell broke loose today. The OM's ex girlfriend has learned everything, and is informing the OM's family one at a time via email.
My wife and I had a couple long talks today, I think we've made some real progress for better or worse. I feel better today than I have in over a month. We finally had a "no holds barred" conversation....and she realizes that I'm prepared for plan B if this drags out too long.
I told her this as lovingly as possible, trying very hard to make her understand how much I cared for her, while at the same time, making her realize how much I care for myself and our Daughter.
Looking foreward to a lengthy chat tonight after daughter goes to bed.