Let me start with the beginning.I have been married for 15 years.I have 3 kids,ages 6,11,and 15. I love my wife more than anything in world,but I guess I never showed it.My wife was working at a factory on the midnight shift I work 4 to 12. We got to see each other plenty but often I was a sleep when she was awake or I was awake when she was asleep.My birthday is the 24 of Nov. I tell you this because on that day we made love like we had'nt done in years.The following week was like it was when we first got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I was so Happy, I felt like we were falling in Love again. On Dec 5th my whole world crashed. I woke up and came out into the Living room and saw that my wife had fallen asleep on the sofa which she often did after working her shift.But this time she had left the internet on and her e-mail was showing a letter that she had just gotten from some guy saying that he loved her giving him oral sex and couldnt wait for her to do it again.I went through her saved e-mail and found an e-mail from her to him saying that she couldn't believe they did it outside and she liked the way he licked her breasts and that she could'nt wait to be together again. Well of course I freaked and she woke up.At first she denied doing anything and that it was just internet sex.She did say she had kissed him one time but that was all.after spending the whole day begging her for the truth she finally admitted having oral sex with him once and intercourse once. I'm not sure that I believe her but doing it once is just as bad as doing it more so really whats the difference? anyway I never went to sleep that nite and at 4 am that morning my mother called and told me my sister had just died.So all in one day I lost my sister and had lost my wifes heart. Its been 3 monthes since than and I can not get over it. My wife and I still together and we still make love and I love her more than ever.She says she is so sorry this ever happened and I often find her crying about it. I have completely fallen apart, I have cried at least once a day since and have had thoughts of eating a bullet. I have been missing a lot of work and although I havent told any of my friends(because I don't want them to think less of my wife) they know somethings wrong because they want to know why I don't eat anymore ( I've lost 19 Lbs. since I found out) and why I've gotten so serious. I know I need help because I don't think I can take it anymore,but I work for a mental instituion and I know what they do to those patients.Theres like a movie in my head constantly running where I see her lover screwing her and looking at me laughing. I don't know what he looks like so I really just see a face with no details except for the mouth laughing. What I need to know is does this madness stop and how long must I be tortured by these visions? My mental problems are seriously beginning to kill any chance of my wife and me making it because it tortures her for what she did to me.I know that if I cant get it together I am going to have to leave,but I think it will be worse because I don't believe I can Live with out her. Should I go down and confront her lover or shoul I just forget he exists which I doubt I can.Please Help me. Tom

Welcome opr112/tom...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Your story isn't far off from many other's...<p>There is so much to learn...
...do take some time to learn what so many have started on here at MB.<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out my post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Don't do oany rash actions!<p>DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!
DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!
DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!
DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!
...and most of all
DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!<p>The time and effort it will take to save your marriage is worth it...
...the time and effort to a divorce... will only hurt you in the long run... and for many... it hurts them in the short run too!<p>You have my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Tom,
STAY HOME. She also need you there !. It is hard but it will be harder if you move out. Get to learn MB as much as you can and as fast as you can. Do not hestitate to get ADD, you might need it. If you are Christian, make sure you have peace with the Lord and invite Holly Spirit to live within you. Pray & shower yourself with HIS WORD (read Bible). If you knock HE will open the door.<p>God Bless you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
opr112:
"Should I go down and confront her lover or shoul I just forget he exists which I doubt I can.Please Help me. Tom <hr></blockquote><p>DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR WIFE'S LOVER. Your mental state is so fragile at this moment from both the death of your sister and your wife's affair, that if you confront your wife's lover and he acts like the scumbag that he probably is, you might do something stupid that will have tragic repercusions for you, your wife and your children.<p>In fact do not make any long term decisions while your under this emotional turmoil. Decisions made under such conditions later come back to bite a person in the [censored].<p>Instead go get psychiatric counseling to start dealing with the double whammy that life has recently hit you with.<p>Best of luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Dear Tom,
I hear you - I found out about my husband's cyber affair the day after I came back from my brother's funeral - the month my brother spent dying, my DH was having lots of phone contact with our friend's daughter. That was Hell - I went into shock - had diarrhea, shook all over, couldn't stop crying, stopped eating - lost 20 lbs in 6 weeks - but I tried to forgive him - tried to sort out what had gone wrong between us - I felt we'd made good progress. Then in Nov, my sister-in-law committed suicide, (his brother's wife) - this was an incredible shock for the whole family and he and his brother pulled together - I thought at last he had realized the value of a faithful, loving wife - 2 months later, I discover his private e-mail account and the messages between him and a girl I had thought was just a casual friend - he obviously was finding her a lot more fun to be with than me - I confronted him, and here we are 3 weeks later, trying to salvage something from the wreckage. I don't know what's going to happen to us - we DO still love each other - your wife clearly still loves you - whatever you do, DON'T confront the OM - you are too upset about this, and you might do something you will regret afterwards - I would say - you MUST see your doctor, and you should take anti-depressants for awhile - I've taken them myself for PostNatal Depression - sometimes they are a life-saver for the short term - there's a lot of mental illness in my family, so I hear your fears about getting on to any meds, but the SSI's are good for your situation right now - you need a hammock to catch your fall - to cradle you so you can think straight and not lose the wife you still have a chance with.
God bless you.
Odile

I thank you all for your thoughts and replys. It helps to know that I am not alone. But it also saddens me to know how many this has happened to. I once believed in True love,that Love can get you through anything but now I know different. I loved my wife more than anything in the world,now I know it wasnt enough.There are predators out there that will stop at nothing to get what they want. My wife told him to stop tried to stop it,but it only made him come on stronger. Yes she was guilty, yes it was mutual it takes two to tango. she could have come to me before it got physical and gave me a fighting chance to stop it, but she was confused and afraid. You must understand something about my wife. She is not a whore or a Slut. For her to have desired this man to do the things she did,she had to think she was in love with him, that he loved her. You see as a young child she was sexually abused by her father. I don't think she ever got over that, I have held her in my arms while she cried over that. My wife was a virgin until she was 21. She gave herself to a man she thought was the one, when that didnt work out she met me. She is 37 now and that she has only had intercourse with 3 men in her life (her father made her give him oral sex from about age 6 til she was 9 when he died) What kills me is that the 3rd man was after I married her. Because of what had happened to her and because she was a born again christian I could never believe this could happen to us. And now I have to rebuild,start all over again and try to forget. I don't know if I can do this,because now I have to go to my death knowing that my beautiful wife, the woman I would die for,whose love kept me going through this rotten life, was in another man arms and did things she was only supposed to do with me. I've got to stop now I can't see the keyboard because of the tears. My god it hurts.

You may not beleive this but all of us betrayed spouses have gone thru exactly what you are going thru right now. Like you said, your whole world crashed and it hurt like h*** but even though you may not beleive this, the great sorrow you are going thru and the tears that flow are very natural and they're the first steps to healing your soul.<p>What I found useful is that when I had those horrible visions of my wife with another man or men, that if instead of fighting the images in my head I let them play themselves out as much as possible, the emotional impact would begin to recede and eventually they would not even register emotionally. At that point the images started to fade until I no longer had them. Don't hold back the tears though because they are essential in burning out these images and eventually making them disappear.<p>Hug your wife as much as possible because she too is grieving the damage that she caused you and as the old saying goes ' a shared sorrow is half a sorrow'.<p>Best of luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Tom,<p>Your wife is remorsefull on what she had done to you and the family. You should praise the Lord that given her the wisdom to see what she had done. Many of our WS are still out there in the land of lusts and sins. The road to recovery is very narrow and full of pot holes, please contact MB to get conseling. You have to rebuild your M before it is too late. Lingering in 3 month is not good at all. If you can not afford MB, please read SAA and follow on how affair should end and follow 4 rules of recoveries.<p>Remember that we are all sinner ... even lusting on gals next door is infidelity !!!. The most important thing right now is how you could rebuild, protect your M with love and care. IMO, you should look back and do post mortem. It takes two to tango, there are some thing that we had done that cause WS to stray. We have to fix that part of our deed. For your W, help her out to protect her weakness. Also please print out LBQ and ENQ, fill it up and discuss it together.<p>Ask also your wife to post to MB ... she might not have any outlet to let her sorrow out and at the same time she might be able to help others. There are recovery and prayer requests board in this forum.<p>With time, love and care, this incident will be a distant memory. God Bless you.

Tom,
I'm also a Christian, and so is my husband - Catholic, in fact - and we have two little boys - our whole public reputation (especially his since he is involved in church music) rests on our integrity as Christians - I understand your sense of betrayal - my husband hasn't been physical with another woman yet - but he has discovered the delights of cyberspace and his 2 affairs have shocked me into realizing how far he will twist his beliefs to accommodate what he desires. We've been married 13 years and I've known him for 17 - I feel like the person I loved, admired, respected and had complete faith in has fallen into a pit - and he doesn't see his wrongdoing - he says they are "just friends" - well, OK - they are just friends - secret friends - friendships which take up more of his emotional energy every day than he gives to me - the cyber world comes into my house like a robber and there's nothing I can do about it - I try taking my husband out for an evening together and he calls her on the mobile the minute i go to the bathroom - what kind of a married life is this? After two of these affairs (1 month into the 2nd) I am hopeful that my husband is finally close to coming to counselling with me - but he still thinks its me that has to do the work there - he still can't face that what he is doing is wrong. I just pray that we get to counselling or else our Catholic marriage is over - I'm not going through this again - I've already seen a lawyer, although I haven't told him, because that's not something I have done to threaten him with - something I've done for my own protection. I've asked myself how can you forgive someone - doesn't repentence come first? What if he doesn't repent - how do I forgive? We came to blows 2 weeks ago and I punched him. I'm ashamed of having lost control of my temper so much, and I went to confession for it - I'm sure God forgives me - I felt after confession how relieved I was to know that God loves me anyway, even when I fail. the Bible says we have to forgive or God wont forgive us. think of how much God loves you - think of how much God loves your wife - you can see how desperately sorry your wife is to have hurt you so bad - she's so confused or she never would have fallen into this - now think of the relief you feel when you know you are REALLY forgiven - wouldn't you want your wife to be able to feel that, too - only you can give her this gift. You don't have to stop being mad at the guy who did this to her - maybe a lot later that will subside - you will probably never forget - but that doesn't mean you can't forgive.
Say a prayer for me. We need it.
I'll pray for you.
Odile