I found out this past Tuesday that my husband betrayed me. I had a feeling that this happened after the Friday before last I caugh him chatting very sexually with a woman. <p>See this wasn't the first time I had caught him chatting with her. This was the 3rd time and by then I knew things were worse. When I caught him the first time I asked him why and he just denied it and said it was just a game. I told him it wasn't a game and that if he didn't stop it was going to get out of control. Well it did.<p>My husband and I have been married only 15 months and I am so devastated. I can't believe that he would do something so horrible to me. We have been together for 6 years and never has he done anything for me to even suspect. He has always been loving and caring and so supportive of what I do. We even make all decisions together. We had great sex, never a problem in the bedroom. I have been on forums since the day I found out trying to get answers but i am even more confused. I finally thought I should tell my story. <p>In Oct. '01 I found the first messages, we argued and he said he would stop talking to her. He met this woman in his on-line class, he told me that as soon as the class was over he wouldn't have to talk to her again. I said ok but didn't trust him. I didn't see any messages again. Then in late November I saw a message from her asking him how he was doing. He replied rather dryly that he was fine. I didn't see any more messages. Then in late December right before Christmas I saw that she was writing to him but waited for him to tell me. He did tell me that she had contacted him and she wanted him to bid for a project in her company. My husband is self employed in the IT field, most of his work is contract based. <p>I guess I must also let you know that 2001 was atough year for the both of us, he was laid off and I had major back surgery. I knew that his self esteem was so low b/c his job search was going so bad. He was out of steady work for about 6 months. <p>I told him that I didn't like that she was telling him to bid for something in another state. But I did tell him that it was his decisions and that I knew how much it meant to have steady work again. I had a bad feeling about the whole thing but trusted him nontheless. He even offered for me to do some work for him on the project. I have worked with him in the past on projects. After much coaxing from him and his business partner I agreed. <p>We went to visit my folks for Christmas break and when we returned 2 days after New Year's I found another note. This time I went crazy. I knew he had to go to her company to make a formal presentation. She was telling him that she was in the mood- and wanted to know what he was going to do to her when he met her. I was furious and i knew that their cybersex had not ended after all. We argued really bad and I told him if that talk didn't end I was going to walk out. I even called her and she was such a coward that she hung up. I called her again and left her a message and told her that he is a married man and that she shouldn't be talking like that with him. She sent us some sorry email that didn't make any sense. She even told me that I got it all wrong and it was just a big misunderstanding. He told me that I was talking everything out of context and I didn't argue anymore. When we argued in January he told me that he was tired of not working and this wasa great opportunity for him. He told me his self esteem was really low and his eyes watered. I felt so bad b/c I thought this contract was making him feel productive again. <p>He went on his trip, made his presentation, he took his partner with him. He met her, he came home and didn't seem any different, he called me the entire time he was there. He seemed happy about the work he was doing and about 3 weeks later he got the call that he had the contract. I went away that weekend that he got the good news. That was his opportunity to talk to her, he now tells me that she contacted him through IM and they had cybersex again. I didn't know b/c I was away. <p>In early February he had to fly out again and sign the contract. He was excited b/c he was coming home with the money. However he seemed worried and he even tried to cancel the trip. By now she had an excuse to call him b/c they were working on the project. So she was calling him constantly, she even called my cell phone saying she needed some documents. He seemed annoyed at her persistence. He told me he didn't want to be pestered. <p>He finally decided to go and sign the contract and that was the end of my happy marriage. She met him at the airport, they had dinner and drinks. She had gotten a hotel room in the same hotel he got a room. She invited him back to her room and they with out any thought to me or her husband ruined 2 marriages. <p>He came home such a different man. He seemed to be sad and trying so hard to please me. I started to get suspicious. 2 Fridays ago we were getting ready for a weekend trip when i noticed that she called him and left him another message about needing important documents. He called her back but cut the conversation short. I went out to run some errands and started to get very angry. I came home and noticed that he was chatting on-line with her. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to send her the documents. I didn't believe him. I asked him to get our suitcases togehter and got on the chat and read everything they wrote back and forth. He had not contacted her since the incident and she was worried that he didn't like it. She wanted to know what was up and if it was good and wanted to know what they were going to do when we had to travel again. He wrote back that I was at home and didn't want to talk about it. <p>I was so furious that I confronted him and hit him. He said it was all cybersex that nothing had happened. I didn't believe him for one bit. I was so devastated. We had a wedding to go to the follow day and here I was confronted the end of my marriage. <p>I confronted her on the chat and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I decided to deal with my problem and take care of her later. We talked and talked and talked. We went away to the wedding and he seemed so remorseful. He begged me to give him another chance and he even said he wanted to go to counseling. We barely slept that weekend. <p>We got back from the wedding and continued to deal with the issue at hand. When I got home from work on Tuesday I decided to ask him one more time if he did sleep with her. He finally confessed to me that he did it. He told me he wanted us to return from the wedding so that we could try to salvage the marriage and didn't want to ruin my happy time with my family. I told him that I already knew that he did, the messages said it all. i just needed for him to come clean. He told me he needed to come clean too. I was so devastated, so angry and so hurt. How could this man I have known so long do this to me. <p>This is doubly hard for me b/c my husband is a lot older than me. I am in my 20's a professional, very attractive and I thought my whole life was perfect. My husband is clearly remorseful all he wants to do is make things better. He started contemplating suicide but I told him that it wasn't worth it. He now thinks that I am going to leave him. <p>This is so confusing because we seemed so happy. People thought we were perfect. All my family and friends love him and thought he was agreat catch. I can't relate to the people that had affairs for a long time b/c my husband didn't. He doesn't seem at all emotionally involved. he actually hates himself and he hates her. He told her he didn't want anything to do with her, he even quit the project and handed it over to his partner. He even told the partner why he was handing it to him. <p>I know my husband wants to make this marriage work. I really feel like I do too but I keep getting so angry. We start counseling tomorrow and we have been praying together and discussed it with a counselor at our church. <p>Please help!

Counseling is a great start!<p>You are going to run the gamut of emotions, and know that it's ok.<p>You should first makes sure you have a support system in place - family, friends, priest/minister, counselor and God. It sounds like you're on the right track with this one.<p>Please read all the info. on this site and well as SAA (Surviving an Affair) be Harley. This will give you a better understanding of waht is happening in your marriage right now, and prepare you to make any decisions.<p>Try not to make any life changing decisions right now, you'll need some time to digest all of this.<p>You should note from the readings on this site, that affairs are like addictions, and you should treat them as such. When your H gives up the OW(Other Woman) then he will go through withdrawal just as if he was on drugs. It will be painful for him, but if he can get through it then he'll be ready to work on the marriage.<p>You can also print out the EN(emotional needs) quesitonaire and the LB(love buster) questionaire from this site and then you both can fill them out.<p>Read info. about resentment. Many BS's (Betrayed Spouses) wish they had the opportunity where their WH wants to work on the marriage.<p>A counseling session with Steve or Jennifer at MB can at least provide you with a plan or rebuilding your marriage.<p>Often churches have books about how to forgive, and how to get past the anger. It will take time, but you'll be fine.<p>Take care of yourself. K

Thanks God is in Control. You're screen name is right on the ball b/c that is exactly how I feel. God has given me so much peace, he really is in control.<p>Do you think that although my husband didn't have a long term physical affair that he is still going through withdrawal about the OW? He seems to not care about her at all. He is very wrapped up in making us better. He read some of the marriage builder stuff late last week and told me that he is sure that the root of the problem is addiction but not any addiction he has towards her. Last night he told me that he is an alcoholic and that although he is very controlled when he drinks, alcohol always makes him a little different. He thinks this is all about power, he wanted to feel more powerful.<p>I am very confused, do I consider this a one night stand or an affair? They slept together one time. He said she tried to get him to meet her again the following night but he told her he couldn't do it, he wasn't going to meet her. He has given me adetailed account of what went on b/c I need to know for my own sanity. <p>Thanks again for your comments and support.

We had a counseling session scheduled for last night at 7:30pm with our church counselor who is licensed. My husband and I were both so eager to go. He seemed so happy to be getting help. We got there early and waited almost an hour before someone came out of one of the offices. They told us our counselor had left for the day at 5:30pm. We felt so devastated. I was very angry, I can't believe that here we are trying to get some help and people are so thoughtless and incompetent that they forget to write our appt. in the counselors book. <p>I felt like crying all the way home. My husband kept trying to reassure me that we will find a counselor and that we will get thru this but this is the most difficult thing I have dealt with. And I have dealt with some pretty awful things in my life. Since Monday I haven't had that knot in my stomach anymore and I have even been eating a bit. But last night the knot came back and I started feeling the nausea again. I have known for one week exactly and I have lost about 10lbs. I am already a very small person and I don't want people to start to notice. <p>I am so scared that without counseling we aren't going to be able to get thru this. I need some advice out there. <p>One good thing did come out of this. My H spoke to my father last night, my H hasn't told anyone about this, only I know what happened. He really has a hard time opening up to people. My H cried b/c my dad told him that he loves him. He told me afterwards that not even his father has ever said that to him. I think we need counseling so bad and I feel like we have been left out to dry. <p>Oh God, I don't understand why this is happening. We have been praying together every night for guidance and strength.

Dear lalaram,
how are you doing? You replied to my post and I've looked for yours and wonder how your counseling is going? Are you Ok? Sounds like you've been through Hell, but that your H wants to work on it. My H is gone for the w/end
and I'm hoping when he comes back that he'll make moves to find us a counselor. We had 2 sessions this summer after I discovered his first cyber "attachment", but I feel this time, that he has to be the one to want counseling - I can't force him to be the man I want him to be. I am also very scared that we are not going to make it through this, even with counseling - I have found more letters in his e-mail account where he tells the OW that I am pathologically jealous, that his oldest and most loyal friends think I need help, that one of his friends hates me (this "friend" beats his wife - he hates me because I have his number), and that basically I'm a very sick person. I'm going to go have a complete psychological evaluation and leave the results with my lawyer, just so that I have ammo if things get nasty and he tries to take the kids away from me. I've been told this girl is "just a friend" - I believe him when he says it isn't a PA -- but when you talk to someone and e-mail them, and TXT msg them every day, and call them "my beloved this" and "dearest that" and have a whole string of pet names for them, I think that goes way beyond "friendship" -I also came to blows and punched my husband 3 weeks ago right after I found out - he sees this as evidence of my mental instablility. I just want to say that at least you have a H who is remorseful, or appears to be, has tried to terminate his A, and appears to care about your feelings. You have reason to be hopeful. My H seems to have got over his anger with me, appears to be more willing to go to counselling, but I know from his e-mails that he is still seeing and e-mailing this OW. I don't know how much of his "reconciliation" with me is motivated by the fact that we are both dependent on each other financially now- he took a new job ( with my encouragement - I was happy for him to leave the other job where he was in contact with girl no. 1) which pays half what he earned before. So we are now equal on the financial front where before, all the power was in his hands. I'm so mistrustful, I don't know what to think. I just want to offer my support for your counselling - and let you know I'll pray for you.
Take care,
Odile

lalaram,
Hello and welcome. Sorry you need to be here.
Even though you feel really bad you are one of the lucky ones here, your husband wants to work on the marriage!
It is ok that you are panicky, and cant eat, cant sleep, dont know where to turn. It's all normal, we have all been there. It will get better.
Look for the arcticle here on "how affairs start" and the one on "how they should end" print it out and read it with your H (husband). It really helped my husband.
A good book to help you is "torn assunder" by Carder - I wish I would have had it the first day. Another good book is "surviving the affair" you can by it here at marriage builders (MB).
You can get through this and have a BETTER marriage, really you can.
Take a deep breath. Come here for support, we can get you through this.
You are not alone.

Dear Odile, I am really sorry to hear that he is still emailing OWen. Let me tell you that although my H inernet A didn't get physical until Feb '02 I felt like it already had. At first he also told me that he would stop all contact and I thought he had or he did a good job at lying about it. When I found out it still had not stopped I confronted him again, so for me it also took about 4 months for him to admit that he was having cybersex with someone. <p>He now says that it has ended, he told her over the phone while I was standing there and I spoke to her after he spoke to her. I told her what she had done and told her that if I ever saw her I would Kick her *ss. I have never met this woman but I described her to my H from head to toe. I just knew how she was, I even knew how she dressed. I guess being in the indigent counseling business has really helped me thru this. <p>I told him that I don't want to see anymore emails or phone messages or an Instant messaging. If I do I will not be plan Aing I will be packing his bags. I am very serious about this. When I told him how I felt he removed her from his IM buddy list and deleted all of her emails except the emails I printed out where I have proof of the A. He also knows that I check his emails. I tell him I do and he expects me too. If he wasn't willing to be this open with his life I don't think I would be here trying. <p>I haven't read everything here on MB and I don't know if what I did is part of the MB plan but for my own sanity I need to have control. My H took all of my control away from me when he did this and I need to have some back. He is willing to accept that I will question him more and look at his things more but i will no longer sneak around to find stuff, I will be doing it out in the open. <p>I defnitely think that you should wait for your H to decide on the counseling in the meantime you should get some for yourself. I have already requested separate counseling for me as well. I would leave him some MB stuff to read on his desk. Try being open and honest and tell him that you want him to make his email accounts and IM names available to you. This would make you feel better and start ball rolling on getting over this. <p>I didn't get to see our MC last week b/c there was a confusion with the scheduling and his office forgot to put us on it. We re-scheduled for tomorrow night. I will keep you informed on how it goes.<p>Btw, I ate this weekend. I had a full meal and it felt great, my H was so happy to see me eating. I am sleeping better but the anger is still there and I hate it eating me up like that. <p>Good luck to you, keep trying to make it work. If not for him at least for yourself. <p>You can write to me anytime.

SP, thanks for the advice. I have been thinking about getting some self-help books. I think I will definitely order the "SA" book. Can you tell me a little bit more about the other book?<p>I too am sorry that not only I have to be here but so many of you are here too. I had my H get on MB and read some of the stories in the forums and he couldn't believe that there are so many people struggling thru this. So now we pray not only for our marriage but for everyone in these forums. Funny how now we can pray together and before we couldn't. <p>I am trying very hard to deal with all those crazy feelings of anger and hurt. I am also trying to eat more b/c people are really starting to notice the weight loss in such a short period of time. <p>Thanks again for your thoughts and advice and keep writing, it keeps me sane.<p>God Bless!

Odile,<p>there were some things I didn't get to write back to you about. <p>I can't force him to be the man I want him to be. I am also very scared that we are not going to make it through this, even with counseling <p>I too feel the same way. This change is entirely up to your H. You can't change him but you can make him see what he is throwing away. I feel like counseling might not work for us either. My fear isn't him walking away but me deciding that I don't want to try anymore. I have decided to take it day by day- right now I know I want to try to make it work, I don't know what I will feel 2 or 5 yrs down the road. You won't know if you can make it thru unless you try. <p>- I have found more letters in his e-mail account where he tells the OW that I am pathologically jealous, that his oldest and most loyal friends think I need help, that one of his friends hates me (this "friend" beats his wife - he hates me because I have his number), and that basically I'm a very sick person. I'm going to go have a complete psychological evaluation and leave the results with my lawyer, just so that I have ammo if things get nasty and he tries to take the kids away from me. <p>
I think you are doing the right thing, arm yourself with the protection you need. I don't think he really means what he is telling her, he just needs to make her think that he is the sane person here and that you are driving him away. He doesn't realize that he is sick. Does your H drink alot? or do drugs? I also suggest that you print out any emails you find from him to her or her to him. My sister did that with old cards, emails, and old telphone statements, and after she tried and it didn't work this was her ammo to prove the A and win the marital home in court. <p>I've been told this girl is "just a friend" - I believe him when he says it isn't a PA -- but when you talk to someone and e-mail them, and TXT msg them every day, and call them "my beloved this" and "dearest that" and have a whole string of pet names for them, I think that goes way beyond "friendship" -<p>You are right about this. This is more than just words. They are starting to get to know each other personally. Not the way you know him b/c she will never know him the way you do. He will continue to hide his ugly side from her. They are not "just friends" they are lovers even if it hasn't gotten physical yet. They are heading down that route. If she is really persistent she can get him to go meet with her. <p>
I also came to blows and punched my husband 3 weeks ago right after I found out - he sees this as evidence of my mental instablility. <p>Don't do the physical thing anymore. You have children and you don't want this used against you. I did it and felt horrible afterwards. I however am known to lose it when I am angry, I don't want to be known like that anymore. When ever you are alone with him tell him that getting physically violent is not like you and that you want to work this out not continue to hurt each other. <p>I just want to say that at least you have a H who is remorseful, or appears to be, has tried to terminate his A, and appears to care about your feelings. You have reason to be hopeful. My H seems to have got over his anger with me, appears to be more willing to go to counselling, but I know from his e-mails that he is still seeing and e-mailing this OW. <p>Thank you for reminding me that my H is remorseful, I truly think he is. We have learned so much about each other but mainly him in the past 2 weeks. Now about your H, if he is willing to go to counseling that is the first step. Don't worry about the contact he still has with OW right now. Let it come out in counseling. Maybe a professional may be able to help him thru this. I think your H, A isn't about the OW I really think that there is something deep down that has bothered him for years that he cannot talk about. This is what I discovered with my H. <p>I don't know how much of his "reconciliation" with me is motivated by the fact that we are both dependent on each other financially now- he took a new job ( with my encouragement - I was happy for him to leave the other job where he was in contact with girl no. 1) which pays half what he earned before. So we are now equal on the financial front where before, all the power was in his hands. I'm so mistrustful, I don't know what to think.<p>
I had the same situation. First I thought b/c my H had been out of work so long maybe that was the reason that he really wanted to try to make it work. Maybe is reconciliation was just buying him time to gather some money togehter.
I get those awful feelings too and I hate to know that you are feeling that right now b/c on top of being betrayed you start to feel used too. Try not to think about that b/c if he didn't think that you and the kids is where he belongs he would have left. Men know in there hearts where it is they are suppose to be even if they don't talk about it. Besides if he didn't want to make it work and thought wanting out was better he could always find a friend to stay with or call up the OW. <p>What I have done is said to myself, slowly I will make him feel less dependent on my salary as well and if he doesn't want to be here in our home he can walk away and I will be ready for that b/c its better to not be used. I told him that I thought he wouldn't leave me right away b/c of the money issue and he said that wasn't true and I could have kicked him out that same night and he would have just figured out what to do. <p>My H is now planning things again, he had not done that since he met her on-line. He wants to buy another car and look into getting a condo in the city, something I have wanted but he kept putting off. This planning our future together eases my fear of "reconciliation" for the wrong reasons. <p>Odile, look for little signs like that, like buying the flowers for the garden together or him discussing fixing something in the house that he has been putting off. That will make you feel better.<p>
I just want to offer my support for your counselling - and let you know I'll pray for you.<p>
Thanks for the well wishes. I want you to know that i will be praying for you too and hoping that your H sees how he is hurting and that he can end is A.<p>God Bless!

HI All,<p>I found out last Tuesday also that my W was having some type of relationship with a man she/ we all met during a vacation we were on. I knew he had her email address, but what I did not know was that W had a private email address and of course the OM was right there in those emails. We had our discussions and I am hopeful we can put his behind us. She closed this account. I know what you are going through. It's tough. The trust thing is probably the hardest of all. My W opened a new email account. Not sure if she was going to tell me or not, but she did. Mainly because we had a talk this morning and she did say that she opened a new account but has not done anything with it. Like you, I need to clear up some issues with this whole thing. Can I really trust that W will not use this account to talk with OM? We have been married for 8-9 years, 2 kids, and get along great. She is nt withdrawn from me at all. Not like your situation where H withdrew from yourself. So I am not sure if W really has feelings for this OM or not. Some cases are very clear and others are not. W and I will most likely talk more tonight about all this stuff. Don't feel like you are alone. There are many of us in the same situation. What a lousy position to be in.<p>Hang in there and be true to yourself!

Hello Something Wrong,<p>It sure is a tough situation and ours dont seem so cut and dry with the A thing. My H doesn't seem to have any emotional attachment what so ever but if I wouldn't have found out so quickly it could have happened. <p>You should really have your wife read the stories on this site. If she hasn't had any physical contact with OM yet this may help her make up her mind never to do that to you and your children. <p>It is awful to be going thru this mess but either you try to work at it or you leave. <p>Today I feel like crap and prefer to leave this whole mess but I do have my first counseling session today and know that I must at least try if not for the marriage sake, atleast for my sake.<p>Keep posting, it really does help see things better.<p>Good Luck!

Dear lalaram,
Thank so much for all the really thoughtful support. This AM my H showed the first clear signs of coming round - he tried to talk to me in the kitchen while we were making breakfast - I told him I wasn't interested in talking to someone who was just going to get mad and ridicule my feelings - he said he wasn't going to - still, I'm not interested in talking about my feelings with him right now - it's him who has to get into counselling and talk about HIS feelings - anyway, the upshot of it was, we stayed positive - he asked about the counselling I've been having with our Parish Priest (married priest ) - and I told him that our priest said that his goal had been to shift me away from my obsessive thoughts about what was happening in my life that I didn't like, and to move me into a more positive space where I was able to see the blessings in my life everyday, and able to find my strengths, talents, and interests, so that I could see it was possible for me to be a happy person, no matter what happened in my life. My priest felt that I had reached this point, so I was happy to go talk about 'us' whenever he felt like it. My H asked where he could get a hold of this priest, and I told him where he could call him, and which service he says each day at our church. So maybe there'll be some movement there. I can't write right now cause he'll be home in a few minutes. Hang in there - I'll get back with some more wise (I think) advice from this priest. He said it's better to have a confrontation if you're in a strong frame of mind - work on yourself first - then the confrontation will be more on your terms - you will feel better about the results - it's not good to confront when you are very vulnerable.
Gotta go - take care,
Odile

Lala,
Glad your sticking in there. The book "Torn Assunder" was most helpful for my husband and I.
I gives a timeline for withdrawal and some thought into the why. It is real easy to read. I also liked "surviving the affair" and HNHN by the Harleys available here. I read a few others that were'nt worth the money.
Good luck. You are not alone

Sad Princess, thanks for the info on the book. I am going to order it. I was just waiting to see if both my H and I would be able to read it. I don't want to do all the reading if he doesn't b/c he needs the help more than I do.<p>Odile, good to read from you again. Just give your H time. It is a good sign that he even wants to talk to the priest. Does he want to do it alone or with you? <p>I think you are doing great by letting him know exactly how you feel. You should not be ridiculed and he should know that is how he is making you feel. Even if he doesn't want to hear how he makes you feel, I think you should let him know. <p>Well, I have some good news. We went to our first marriage counseling session. We really had a good session. The counselor is a christian counselor and we really liked how he works that with psychology. Anyway, he read us like a book, especially my H. He gave us some exercises to do and we met with him next week. I am so glad that I saw him b/c I was having one of my worst days yesterday. I was actually planning on leaving. I even called my H and told him. He was very supportive but very sad. <p>After our session I realized that I can't run away, I decided to try to make it work and I should try that first. Today I feel much better about this whole situation. I am starting the exercises later today. They are about releasing the anger and restoring good memories. <p>The MC also reassured me that this isn't about me and what I did wrong but about him. He noticed that I am very controlling and this has to do with my childhood but we are going to work on letting go a little. <p>So over all I think we made some progress. I at least am not losing my head today. <p>God bless you both for your strength and the support you give others.

Keep going, lalaram - every day is a new day - I can see you swinging from one end of the emotional roller coaster to the other - know that others are there with you - no one can tell you it will be all right in the end - but you CAN grow, even if your husband chooses not to - I'm so glad you are together in counselling - your husband needs to hear things from someone else, not you - and you have to be willing to give him the time to hear it from someone else. I also want things to be better 'right away' - I want some reassurance that if I go on, things will be the way I want them - I have to let go of that - being patient is very hard for me, and one of the things our priest said to me is that trust doesn't come from confrontation - it's not something I will be rewarded with if I demand it. Well, last night, I LB'd a little - I tried what I thought was a neutral subject at dinner - telling my H a friend had called and had good news about his long-term medical condition (ME). I saw my H's eyes glaze over as he chewed his dinner staring into his plate, and I got upset. Oh, I said, is this just all TOO boring for you? (conversation is a HUGE problem between us - he gets bored if I put more than 2 sentences together at any one time - he has 2 topics of conversation - the Cathollic Church and himself) -
anyway, I said it didn't matter, I'd just find someone else to talk to who found what I had to say interesting. He said that kind of behaviour didn't endear me to anyone, and after dinner, went up and spent time on his e-mail a/c, presumably e-mailing HER. Great illustration of LB'ing in action. Resentment drives it - resentment at loss of him, loss of attention, loss of quality time. Anyway, later, I went up to him where he sat at the computer and handed him the bool The 5 Love Languages - I told him our mutual friend had given it to me last year - I haven't read it all, but I asked him to read the chapter on Quality Time - that's what I need from him, and for him to tell me which of the chapters he needs me to read - because, I said, I'm obviously doing something wrong, and I need to know what it is. He kissed me and took the book and there's evidence this AM that he has started to read it. Babysteps, babysteps. All I can do is continue to try to strengthen myself - work on improving my ability to earn more - do the things I REALLY enjoy, even if I do them without him, continue to be there for my friends and be open to new opportunities. He has work to do - he also has a lot going on from a childhood with VERY controlling and bullying parents - that's partly why he has this issue about snooping and people trying to control him - but that's his work - if he doesn't do this work and it ruins his marriage and his life - at least I won't have to say I didn't try everything. And I am willing to try everything because I really do love him and think he's worth trying for - whether we succeed or not is now up to him. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it!
Ride the rollercoaster, lalaram, but stay on, at least a little longer.
Odile

Odile,<p>Thanks for knowing about that emotional roller coaster, I sometimes feel like I am crazy. I have never had ups and downs like that before. I really don't like it too much. I guess I must deal and take it one day at a time. I must tell you that I had a great day yesterday. I think its b/c of the counseling and being busy dealing with family illness but I prefer havig my plate full over obsessing about my H's A. <p>We had a good evening last night. We cuddled and hung out just watching TV and then all of a sudden we were being intimate. This part has been hard for me but yesterday it was great. I think I have let go a little from the anger so that I can enjoy myself too. Our life has always been great in the bedroom and I was so worried that it would never be the same. Last night it felt normal again which made me feel normal too.<p>Try not to think about what he is doing with her. He is obvously home with you no matter how awful the situation might be. One thing I have learned from other people's experiences is that no one wants to just go ahead and end their marriage over an A. He may be clammed up but he will come around. I can't blame you for LBing, let me tell you its hard. I feel like Ally McBeal sometimes, sayig one thin and internally tearing his eyes out. <p>I think your H is showing signs so just give it some time. <p>Look a the great steps, like he did accept the book instead of put it aside and say he would read it but didn't. You said he showed signs that he is reading it. Let that make you happy. <p>he also has a lot going on from a childhood with VERY controlling and bullying parents - that's partly why he has this issue about snooping and people trying to control him - but that's his work - <p>My H also has this to deal with but like your H that is something he must deal with and he has to work on that not you. But the fact that you know this maybe that he also knows this and told you, so he is well aware of this problem. I told my H I will snoop until I start to feel comfortable again and if he doesn't like it b/c his mother did it well I am not his mother and I have reasons to do it. <p>Good for you- it sounds like you have a plan and in the end what matters is that you feel like you tried and you came out better in the end. That is how I am starting to feel. Good Luck and good wishes for more baby steps!

Lala,
When I first started this I thought my H needed the help, he screwed up he needed "fixed".
I have been the one to gain more insight.
It will be interesting to see what you learn from your insights.

Dear lalaram,
I am glad that things are improving with your H. There are positive signs there - I also am still intimate with my H - as in the 5 Love Languages, maybe Physical Touch is one of his, and I have been letting him down, because I have had some physical problems following the birth of no. 2, and being Catholic, HE refused to use Birth Control - what a guy! - anyway - this week, I had an IUD put it, and I think I have just decided to be there for him if that happens - at least I know I won't get pregnant - that happened this summer, and it wasn't good - I had an incomplete miscarriage - that may be one of the things that allowed this to happen - be that as it may, my H has made a lot of choices down the line, and resolving his problems with me and being there for me hasn't been high on his list of priorities. But we still touch - if I hug him from behind, or put my hand in his, he hangs on and won't let go - this is the only expression of love he has for me. He's all mixed up. But this site and the advice I have received from so many kind and thoughtful people have helped me into a better space. I have now realized that his A has to run its course, painful as that may be for me - and while it does, and while he's out there batting around in left field instead of at home base, I am going to be taking care of myself. Your H sounds as if his A has run its course, and you are now in Recovery - you may have a long way to go - but you still have a chance. Be positive. I hope things do continue to go well. Enjoy the good days, and count all the good things that have happened to you at the end of each day, even if you have a sad day.
Take care,
Odile

Odile, so sorry to hear about your misacarriage and then the A on top of that. Sometimes I wonder how the human body and mind can take so much stress. <p>You are right about letting your H's A run its course. There is nothing you can do unless you think your marriage is over. <p>My H A ended immediately. I don't think there was any EA involved. He actually doesn't say good things about her. I don't understand it b/c they really never talked about anything substantial. All there on-line talk was sexual, the messages I read seemed like he wasn't into the on-line thing to much. I don't know how she could have gotten off on that, i need a man to pay full attention to me. Anyway some people are more desparate than others.<p>I am trying to hang on to good thoughts ahd trying to do my breathing exercises the MC gave me. We meet with him again tonight. I am having some anger issues today. My H got a contract in the OW company and he decided to end the contract and let his partner take over. Well now we get into legal issues b/c I too was a partner in the contract. Now we have to redo the contract and we have to be legally released from any responsibility and all that crap. I just don't want to have to deal with this anymore. I keep telling him to look at the mess 5 minutes of sex put us in. It really upsets me. But atleast I have to be released from any responsibility b/c if this causes any harm legally to me I will hurt her and him. <p>See the anger is brewing. Why can't people stop acting like teens and keep there pants on? Then we lecture teens like they are suppose to be so strong and abstain from sex when clearly the adults aren't very responsible either. Just look at these message boards.<p>Anyway, try to hang in there and keep me updated on your progress. I will try to hang in there my self. <p>God Bless