Hi, I'm new here, and have never been in any forums or chat rooms in my life, but I feel like I'm dying. Last week I took a good look at our cell phone bill, as it was way high. I never expected to discover a phone number to another state repeated often, but what really tipped me off was the call on Christmas day. When I confronted my husband, he first said he didn't know who's number it was, then he said it was his friend Doug's. I already new there was no man at this number(answering machine message) and finally he admitted that this was a woman he had been talking to, and on his frequent trips to his sister's house he would see her. He says there is nothing going on she was an old high school friend, and has muscular Dystrophy and can't do anything. The most astonishing thing happened next, he told me that a couple of months ago he screwed around. He said he met up with someone and although there was no intercourse, she gave him oral sex. He says he didn't even kiss her. He now refuses to tell me who the woman was, because he doesn't want her marriage ruined too, even though I told him I wouldn't call her.I just finished reading Surv. an affair, and I don't know if I should push for total disclousure before I try to start to repair this, or just let it go (very hard, I don't know what I'm letting go of. Who was it? a friend of mine? it just keeps popping into my head. Do I believe him about the womain in another state?

Welcome to MB. I know how you feel, I found out my W first EA also via phone bill and her second EA/PA via the cell phone too. Right now you have to be strong, Many have traveled this path and survive it. Learn about MB as much as you can, there are many links on my signature that you could follow. Most of all please follow Quick Guide then General Welcome. Then come back again for more questions or updates or supports.<p>For now leave you H alone, take care of yourself first. Get medicine from your doctor if you need it. Learn as much as you can about MB.<p>Have you ask H or did H tell you what he wants to do ?.

Thanks for the response. My husband told me he loves me, and wants to make this work. He said he would do whatever it takes. I'm just having such a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I just wish he would tell me the whole truth, but he says it would just hurt me more to know who it was. I'm not sure I believe that he didn't have a long term affair with the woman in another state. I read the signs of adultery, and boy did he have them. I've finally managed to sleep one night through,(d-day was valentines day. I'm just sooooo pissed. The man let me get my tubes tied the day before, because we decided that we didn't want anymore children. <p>This is a great diet plan,(although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone)I lost 7 pounds in 3 days.<p>Anyone have any insight please

VJ,
When the subject of who the woman was comes up again, you might try telling him that you never want to be put in the position of having a friendly conversation with some woman who may be sitting there, thinking, "I did oral sex on her H, tee hee!" I would also tell him, "I'm a big girl, now, and I'm entitled to know the whole truth. The truth can't hurt half as much as what I'm thinking."<p> When my H finally admitted to his ONS, he tried to pretend that he didn't know who the woman was....that she was just a prostitute. Now, I didn't buy that for a minute, because my H has been a notorious tightwad for most of his life and there was no way he would pay for something that he could get for free from any ol' bar fly.<p> To date, though, he still hasn't admitted to anything with the last woman I think he was involved with. Maybe he'll tell me in about another 10 years. It took him 13 years to admit to the ONS, even though I KNEW for a fact that he had cheated.

dear vj- welcome to MB's. youve gotten some good advice allready- here's my 2 cents- my husband was reluctant with the truth also-most of them are. you have to get yourself strong and be patient. give him a safe place to disclose this to you. what i mean by that is if he tells you something and you go nuts-he is going to not want to tell you any more. you have to be strong enough to take it and make him feel safe in telling you. this may take awhile. hang in there and read all you can on this site. many strong and smart people here-gain from our mistakes and triumphs. ill check back on you later. hang in....

This is what my WW and I did as far as questions:<p>We set aside a specific time each week where I can ask questions. This is a one hour session on Sunday after morning service. This gets us in the right frame of mind prior to the questions. We also will spend some time together after the questions to heal from what happens, then we will go to evening service to reaffirm our faith.<p>Also, if there is any discussion during the week, it is not to last longer than an hour a day.<p>We have set up a phrase like, "Can I ask you a question?" As a means to let my wife know that it is a question about us or the affair and that she can say yes or she can POLITELY tell me not at this time. Still, I have at least a full hour each week where I get to ask questions (and our counselor approved such - he said that this is her hell that she created and she simply has to sit through it - she may get mad, hurt, frustrated, feel guilty, etc but this was her creation and if she wants to save the marriage, this is what she must do).

Thank you all for your responses. I'm trying to be parient, but boy is this hard. I feel even more betrayed every time I ask him something and he won't answer. I have tried telling him that I needed to know in case I ever saw this person out, and all he said was, "you would never see this person anyplace we go". I do realize that I do have some responsibility for his A. For the last year, I have been battling a deep depression, and I really haven't been on the same page with him. He probably felt very alone. The really sad thing is for the past 2 months, I have started feeling better, and even stopped my medication, (it really killed my sex drive),and we really were getting closer, then D-Day. I have been a housewife for about 7 years, and I used to be an executive, I think he misses the exciting executive that I used to be. I told my H that I felt really vulnerable. I have often talked about starting a business out of an empty house we own, and guess what? He ordered me a new computer, desk, printer, ect...He told me he only wants me to be happy. I believe him when he says he wants this to work, but this is the most painful thing I've ever done in my life.
I will try to do as you kind people suggest, and make him feel good to be around me, I do love him so much.
thanks for the advice

YOU HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS AFFAIR!<p>Don't take that guilt on yourself. You have responsibility for only what you did. You have no responsibility for what he did.<p>If you are having a difficult time, for whatever reason, let him know that you need some time alone. Go to your bedroom and leave him in the living room. When you feel better, rejoin him. Don't bury your feelings. They are valid and deserve expression. If you are in a car together and you feel like crying, let it out.

oh vj, I just read your last post. I'm at the stage where I'm looking at what others are experiencing and I'm spooked by how similar they are to my own experience - those damn aliens, they only run one program in their brains! They all say the same things!<p>I too was quite depressed for some time, and was getting better. I was not on medication, but seeing a counsellor who was retraining my thought processes well. I felt as those I neglected my husband and that's why he had the A. But now i think, well, he could have just moved out for a while if he wasn't happy and not lied to me and confided in someone else who clearly wants to take advantage of the situation.My H told me I did not make him feel special anymore. <p>I gave up a lot of my friends, and dreams for him. Now I realise that's what he loved about me - my independent, happy nature thats all but disappeared. Has this happened to u too? Do u secretly feel you've been robbed? The funny thing is, my H would have done anything for me and enabled me to do whatever I wanted - like yours with helping you with your business. What's ironic is about 4 weeks before d-day I was telling my boss how great life is and that its going really well - maybe I jinxed myself?<p>vj the pain is sometimes more than I can bear, I know u feel it too, but I thank god I found this site, because I truly believe this has kept me sane. Keep posting, it really does help heaps.