HELP!
Been married 2 years, wife is 26 me, 33.
My former affair told my wife about the affair. It's been two months now...I have not seen of spoken to the affair except to apolozige. My wife do not live together now - but we go on dates cuddle kiss (the light kind) and exchange words of love and support. We spend more time and now, finally she has cooked me dinner at her place.
Getting somewhere, but she still says that it's over.
She has not yet filed the divorce papers sinces getting them 1.5 monthes ago. All has been well, and we have not had ANY fights - lot's of flowers and Valentines gifts but nothing too heavy.
But sometimes, she back out of everything - and blocks me completly . not even wanting to speak with me or see me - shutting off her phone - going out to a party with her girl friends. I'm scared now. It's driving me crazy. My moods swing with hers - It's like her attention and affection give me a "fix." Without it I'm lost.
What can I say...I love her.
Is this normal for a woman to back off so much coldly, then come back (i guess)?
This is SO hard!
How long might this last?? Ahhh!<p>Thanks.
Sleepless...

Wow... life can really mess with our minds !! I do feel your pain! No doubt you feel used. What kind of parties is she going to?? Do you suspect someone else? Do you think she is just tring to make you pay for your mistake and by messing with your emotions... this is some type of revenge? Do you feel like she has your right in the palm of her hand?? Or perhaps you are her puppet?? I know the feeling. Although my H is the one who had the affair and but now has me in the palm of his hand. Separtation is expected in 2 months and I am scared to death also. I don't feel like I am the one to advise you but I think if I was you... I would try my best to just get on with my life and let her see you as being strong and surviving. She could be enjoying the attention your showing to the point of taking advantage of the situation. Only you can know that. Take on day at a time. Breath deeply and pray alot. I would chill for a while and see if she makes a move. I know it would be hard... but try it. Good luck. Joyce

Thanks Joyce,<p>It IS indeed very hard. I am sure there is no other person in the picture - we usually talk every day and see eachother every other day. I thionk she is just reacting to her crosse emotions, and - yes - that she has ALL the cards -that I'm just waiting to come to her at her slightest asking - leaving me hanging if she has something else she wants to do. The parties are rare - and it's usually just with a girl friend (in a relationship) - but I am sure I get very bad press from her friends on this. <p>I here that this may go on for some months yet. This is just horrible.<p>David

I feel your pain, my husband had an affair last month, i just found out 2 weeks ago. the emotions running are out of control. one minute he is he and the next he's gone. we have 3 children and we both work fulltime, however he is still living at home with us. he says he has to say up some money to get an apartment. one day we get along great and the next he cant stand to be home. how long does the rollercoaster go. if i push to talk, then he pulls futher away and says he wants a divorce, if i say nothing then we get along fine, and he's home.. i am so confused.. pray pray pray, that is all that is keeping me sane.
i love him so much and dont want to give up.

Hopeless in Indiana,<p>I know this pain and helpless feeling you are filled with. It's a bit of of darned if you do, darned if you don't feeling. I have found that it's the feeling of being completely without control over the situation. Understand that this is a natural human reaction to this situation. Who manages well when life out of control? Nobody. I am there my self - right now. Some days I feel in more control - or rather at least I feel more of an even balance. I soar on a high. I like those days.<p>Patience. This is something I believe I was not born with. I hear that we must learn to have patience. Myself, I have been trying, but I am tired of waiting because I don't seem to be learning it fast enough. :-) Beyond the joke, my point is really that crushed trust, love, hope, and even to think straight can take a great deal of time for many people. There are so many things in life to distract this process. It's almost like a computer trying to do 50 things at once - it all slows down. We might even know this is the situation intellectually - but we more often simply feel our emotions - which ache with pain. All we want to do is to stop the pain - immediately! If we burned our fingers over a flame, we would remove our fingers. We would, usually, not stop to THINK about the pain in our fingers first, we react out of instinct - stop the pain. The emotional pain of astrangement from our partner function often in a similar manner. The emotions take the front seat, and set the knowledge in the back. Try to be patient and give them - and ourselves- more time.<p>Every once in a while we get moments of clarity - hopefully in these times we seek out support - be it here on MB or with trusted friends.<p>I am with you. Breathe deeply, and try to relax daily for a fixed period of time by clearing your mind and concentrat on your breathing. I have found that it does help in dealing with the stress. Carpe Diem!
Regards,
David<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Esquire ]</p>

David,<p>I admire the progress you have made. My wife found out from the OW 4 days ago. Our world is a train wreck. We are barely talking. She came home with the kids (went to her sisters for a couple of days) last night. I am so scared for all of us. Especially the kids. Oh god how fortunate you are you don't have kids. I have ruined their lives. I can't bare to think of how this will change them. Sins of the father...............

Howbre,<p>You wrote progress in your response. I'm afraid that I am not so sure that it is "progress." My fear is that it is but the resolution to herself that we must be just friends - that having a history of marriage has created a relationship beyond what would otherwise be a "normal" friendship. Therefore, the ILUs etc emerge...sort of like a been there done that...it's familiar, so why not. I find this particularily cold - and do not like to imagine that this is the situation, but I'm beginning to wonder it she really loves or ever really loved me at all. Not that she is not fond of me - just never in-love. <p>I find I'm rather blind these days. Not able to distinguish between changes (progress) that's real and that's imaginary. One thing though - I REALLY notice ALL backward steps. <p>I guess that's part of the neediness involved - we notice it SO much more.<p>In seeing a counselor - the suggestion was made to get in touch with my body - walks, running, general exercise to allieviate the stress - and add patience.<p>I join you in this helpless feeling of uncertainty. But...I understand the people...and even relationship may endure. A helpfull reminder sometimes.<p>Hang in there

Well here I am almost 2 weeks into this. Since I last wrote you my wife has moved to the hot/cold stage you spoke about. We can have a civil talk with great insight and emotion and then she will blow up hours later. Last night she insisted that I sleep in our bed (watch some tv and fall asleep while she was downstairs). I did...and this morning she was vicious. Could have been the calm before the storm. (she was driving to NY today to tell her parents!!) Wonder how that went since I haven't heard from her today. Just me and the kids. Enough about me...how is your situation?

Howbre,<p>That hot/cold period is really not the best thing to alleviate stress for us, that's for sure. Sometimes I almost think I I'm being driven insane by it.<p>On the otherhand, consider this: it seems that you are still living with your wife - unlike me. I think that this is a great position for you! You as a passive presence when she is there - MB has recommended that a goal of spending about 15 hours per week doing something interactive with our spouses - as minimum beneficial. I think any more - they may feel threatened or crowded. Of course for me, all I want to do is simply hold her and cuddle her all day long. But, I know that she cannot manage that much from me now (even if - she actually indeed wants the attention).<p>** I have had a bit of a break through though! I suggested that we go to London together for Easter. Aghreeing that it would be as "friends" **She agreed** to go for the three day trip! Same room, seperate beds (of course). I am elated and hope that we can build something on this - if nothing more than a better friendship (for now).<p>However, (the cold turn) she has requested physical space from me for the next few days or week - i.e. not to see me. This hurts like a hot blade in my heart - but I think of London, and try to remember that she is trying to gather strength in herself for the trip to London - so she has withdrawn a bit (but welcomed all phone calls).<p>I think the waiting part is the worst Howbre. I sit next to you and frown over the same feelings of confusion...but I believe that they too share the very same feelings of confusion as us. <p>Patience is a virtue - and if she is worth it - this may be the only thing we have to truly assist us (of course, along with determination and conviction).<p>Again, I wish you all the best - and strength.<p>Hang in...
David

David,<p>I am just logging back onto MB. My wife has gone out to clear her head. We are moving along. She is still so angry. Still running hot/cold. Since I last wrote she did tell her parents and I have told mine (this past Sat.) I hope your plans for England are still on. We may go to SF for a couple of days in mid April connected with business. We have been talking and talking. Last night we did go out for a few drinks (1/2 a beer for me). Talked alot, made amazing love (4 times in the past 3 weeks...best of our marriage) but it is filled with the other woman, passsion, and regret afterwards for her. This is soooo hard....but it must be hardest for her...<p>Good luck...keep the faith!!

Howbre,<p>I do not know what to say. Excellent for you regarding the making of love with yourt wife! I'd love you enjoy the same with mine -- but I believe that is but a pipe dream.<p>We are still gonig to England - but after some REAL HARD convincing - and a "mistaken" agreement on my part. She say that she never had agreed! What is going on here?????????????<p>I do think we will have a great time - but that there is not love - or loving expected - at all. I am SO DAMMED lonely. This is killing me. I do not know what to expect on this trip - I do not know how to act - or EVEN what to talk about!<p>I feel like I've been flattened and she is going with me out of pity and to avoid having to waste the money and tickets!<p>God I love her - want her - need her. However...I seem to be alone...even in this.<p>I dopn't mean to push the self-pity but this is real quite unbearable!<p>Do you (or anyone)have any suggestion to the above
points -- this is a crucial time - this trip!<p>Thanks,
David