I know that my problem may seem so small when compared to everyone here. <p>I have been with my husband for almost 6 years. I had never loved anyone as much as him-besides our 4 children. I thanked God everyday for what we had.<p>Lately, my husband had been acting odd. He acted like a schoolboy-all touchy-feely, after 6 years of not being like that. My first instinct was that something was wrong. I talked with him about it and he assured me that these were feelings that just started taking him by surprise-that he was not cheating on me at all.<p>This morning, while on the Yahoo Messener, I found his ID with the Message Archive. In this archive, I found chats that automatically saved where he talks to girls about camming "with" him, and how they could see everything.<p>I was crushed. I still am.<p>I adored this man. I treated him like my own personal hero. Every single day, I made sure to compliment him- his smarts, his body, how good he made me feel, etc...not that he does this for me, though.<p>Do I even have a right to feel betrayed? To me, this is cheating.<p>Thanks,
Paula

Hi Paula, and welcome.<p>Sorry that you have to find MB under these circumstances. <p>To answer your question, yes of course it's cheating. Ane yes you have a right to feel betrayed. I would imagine some of that feeling comes from the fact that he hid his behavior from you and then lied about it.<p>Some needs, like conversation, domestic support and even affection can be met by different people in your life. Sexual fulfillment however is by most folk's definition of marriage, supposed to be exclusive.<p>So, that means that any sexual activity should be confined to the 2 people in the M. <p>It seems your H has developed or is in the process of developing an addiction. Sexual addiction is very powerful and destructive. It's hard to deal with because it hits us, the spouses where we are especially vulnerable.<p>I would suggest you spend some time reading through the material on this site. Particularly the Basic Concepts and the info on infidelity.<p>Check out the bookstore, Surviving an Affair might be helpful.<p>Also, you can tune into the weekly radio show, with Dr. Harley on Mondays at 1pm CST. And beginning next week I think they are adding Thursdays as well. <p>Here are some links to those things.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html<p>Blessings,<p>Cerri<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: cerri ]</p>

Hi Paula,<p>First of all, I understand how you feel. You have a right to feel betrayed. I think on the whole, you can usually trust your feelings. Especially from now on, where your trust in your H is low.<p>Wise words from Cerri and some wonderful links that will give you guidance.<p>I can offer some insight on husbands with sexual addictions. They are extremely powerful! My H is still having problems and is not honest with me about them. I find the lying and covering up completely destructive to any trust I am trying to rebuild for him. I am interested in how you located his Yahoo ID in the message archive. I am hopelessly unskilled in all this computer stuff. Could you tell me about that?<p>That said, I have come to realize over the past several months, that my marriage has to more than one of checking up on my H. I have six children to take care of. In the beginning when I first learned of his infidelities and other activities which are/were destructive to our marriage, I wanted to check up on him all the time. I found out all kinds of things I didn't know. I have reached a point now where I just don't care. I know what I don't have. I know I have to decide how to proceed from here. But I can't control him. He has his own choices to make, and my task now is to clarify for him what I can and cannot accept in my marriage. I'm all for Plan A and being the best spouse I can be. But at some point, I have to accept and communicate where my lack of trust in my spouse is and form some kind of consequences for ME.<p>This is probably further along than you are. The feelings of betrayal are so painful. I'm so sorry. There is always hope, however. Move forward now with the knowledge you are gaining. Be sure and take good care of yourself physically and emotionally so that you have the strength and perspective for the healing to happen.<p>Good luck, truly.

With regards to the Yahoo Messenger Message Archive, we have the Yahoo IM downloaded. I very seldom touch the thing (I use MSN). I decided to go into the Yahoo Messenger to see if I could find an old friend that I use to chat with by going through everything button up there to see if any info was kept to use.<p>Well, I clicked into "Tools" and then down the list of items to "Message Archive". It will then display every single instant message that you have ever had within the time frame that it is set on-and provided that it is enabled.<p>To everyone: thanks for all of your words of support. It is a very hard day for me-I just found out this morning. You have to understand that this man has been my hero from day one. My heart is still breaking right now.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by hurt_and_confused:
<strong>This morning, while on the Yahoo Messener, I found his ID with the Message Archive. In this archive, I found chats that automatically saved where he talks to girls about camming "with" him, and how they could see everything.<p>Paula</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Paula~
I'm glad you found your way to MBers, but I'm sorry to find you here. My hubby had and EA (Emotional Affair)online for 2 yrs. I'm new to all this so I'll leave advice to others. I'd just like to say. I understand your feelings. They are normal. Talk about them, write them, vent if you must. Read all of this site, It's very helpful. If you need a cyber shoulder email me anytime I'm here.<p>Suzanne

Paula,
I am so sorry for your pain and betrayal, it must feel so empty inside. I agree, H is developing a sexual addiction and needs help right away before it gets too deeply entrenched. There are several good books you can give to him. "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Aurterburn is about porn and lust. There are even weekend retreats by the same name. I'll put a link at the end for you to look at.<p>Also, "An Affair of the Mind" by Laurie Hall is by a wife whose husband was addicted to porn. Both books are excellent and can be found at a Christian bookstore or at Amazon.com. <p>Here is the link to Every Man's Battle retreats:
http://www.newlife.com/emb.html<p>Hang on, you are not alone.

To asgoodasitgeits, Sorry to here of yur H. Seems you and I are alike. I too am tired of snooping and checking and wondering all the time. I like you have also deceided that I don't seem to care anymore. Would love to hear from you. I'm new at this and not very good with a computer. Hope I'm doing this right. Also, I don't know how to find e-mail address for those who wecole mail. Thanks Tjay<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: tjay ]</p>

Yes, IT IS INFIDELITY. Our marriage counselor told my H that it is basically another betrayal, or another affair for the betrayed spouse. Unfortunately, our high tech world makes it way too easy and convenient. My H has worked very hard on this and has come so far, I'm SO proud of him. It is a HUGE problem in our society and scary because it hooks kids at a young age. <p>You may want to refer to Dr. Phil and what he says about internet porn. He was on Oprah a few weeks ago and he had some information at oprah.com about it. I hope you will both go to counseling. Don't give up!