ok d-day was 10/12/01 continued to 11/30/01 now it is over... except for me... I am in a constant state of emotional madness if you will... But he doesn't want to deal with it.. He admitted it - he is home and I should be able to get over it... He keeps trying to dredge this stuff up from the past and kind of point the blame in my direction for his A - but now for some reason after him telling me our marriage was over because I could never forget and then 2 seconds later saying he had 2 beautiful children he is not going anywhere. It occurred to me that maybe if I just chill out and somewhat give him a life back and not be so b*tchy all of the time that maybe he will actually want to be home and we will start to reconnect.. I am not saying I can acutally do this.. But I really need to for my sanity.. I love him we have been together 19 years and married for 15 yrs.. So does anyone think this work??? Any good advice out there??? He is really very defensive about everything I think that he is having a hard time dealing with the guilt of what and he did and actually dealing with me... Oh and one other note he is the one who told me he was having an affair.. But he says he told me to shut me up because I would joke around about him having a girlfriend because he was distant the A lasted from April 01 till 11-29-01 when I intercepted a phone message. Looking for some good solid marriage saving advice... I am in therapy and he is not and will not attend he believes that this is our problem and we can solve it togther...

Sounds exactly like how my H behaved after the first D-day. He got discovered, but wasn't really ready to let go of the A. I worked on things but he didn't - sounds exactly the same. The A continued behind my back. It wasn't until after 2nd d-day, when H decided that he was really finished participating in such destructive behavior, that he actually became proactive in the healing process. He got himself into therapy first - we will be going together soon. The first time around, I was begging him to go but he wouldn't. I sounds like your H hasn't really let go of the A yet, and might even be still communicating with OW. It is the hanging on that keeps them from moving forward. Until he makes a dedicated decision to move forward, he'll keep resisting your efforts. You're so aggitated (or b***** if you prefer [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )because things aren't right between the two of you. Trust your gut instincts- if you feel he hasn't let go yet, then he probbaly hasn't. If that is the case, then you really have to stand your ground and show him that you are capable of moving on with your own life in a positive way. More than likely, he won't want to be left behind.
JMHO

Thanks for writing back.. Ya know I really believe that his affair is over.. I mean he is the one who told me and he actually has no time to talk to her because I basically know every step he makes.. I am monitoring the cell, regular phone... He is very defensive though it is kind of like he is sick of discussing it.. Like I keep trying to throw it back in his face that he was the bad guy.. I actually think that for the OW to hang on to someone who is never allowed out basically - has a hysterical wife, and two kids... is somewhat of a loser... but who knows... good luck to you keep me informed... I actually am having a good day today.. but let me tell you since October they have been few and far between...

Thanks for writing back.. Ya know I really believe that his affair is over.. I mean he is the one who told me and he actually has no time to talk to her because I basically know every step he makes.. I am monitoring the cell, regular phone... He is very defensive though it is kind of like he is sick of discussing it.. Like I keep trying to throw it back in his face that he was the bad guy.. I actually think that for the OW to hang on to someone who is never allowed out basically - has a hysterical wife, and two kids... is somewhat of a loser... but who knows... good luck to you keep me informed... I actually am having a good day today.. but let me tell you since October they have been few and far between...

Guess I'm just pretty mistrusting right now!! The only reason I suggested that maybe he is hanging on is that my H behaved exactly the same way. That behavior is in total contrast to his behavior now, after really choosing to be rid of the affair. He is doing all the work this time, and he is not being defensive or anything (its really kind of weird!). The first time, he didn't want to talk about it, made me feel like I was just being paranoid and overly territorial, etc, etc. This time he is really taking responsibility for his actions. I guess I would still just caution that if he really isn't taking ownership of it, agreeing to go to counceling, then he might still have some unresolved issues. The best thing he could do for himself is get into personal counseling right away. Wish I had great answers for you - but I guess we're all in pretty much the same boat here.

Well thanks for your input.. No he has owned up to it basically he is the one who told me.. but I don't think he knows what he wants concerning me ya know... Sometimes I just want to ask him to leave and come back when and if he decides to.. but I am afraid that maybe he won't come back... He is defensive and he doesn't want anyone to know what he did - he thinks that anything I read or listen to is screwing me up worse because all it is doing is beating up on him.. He takes full responsibility for what he did.. but he has the I did it, I admitted it now lets move on theory... which isn't working for me.. he just doesn't believe in counselors he experienced them when he was a kid because of a bad family situation.. he thinks we can just fix this ourselves between the two of us.. Good luck to you...