Here is my story. As a disclaimer I am the cheater and I am trying to fix things if possible.<p>The Facts:<p>I have been married for 17 years and have 5 children. I am 35 years old. I am the husband. I was the cheater. It was my fault.<p>The Story:<p>We married a long time ago and started our family. We have a good life together and things with the children are good. No real tragedies. The problem started for me after the birth of number 5. I started to resent the fact that my wife never seemed to want to have sex. She would if I asked but she would never initiate it. It started to feel like another chore she had to do. So I stopped asking, not all at once but over time. <p>We gradually slipped into a pattern of many weeks between sexual encounters. I decided that it just wasn't important to her, so I looked elsewhere. <p>Since I'm a pig, I just started finding women to have sex with me and not emotional involvement at all. At first it was a disaster but eventually I learned how to get what I wanted. I even felt happy about it. After all it was not a chore for these women, they really wanted me just for sex. <p>I became two separate people. I was happy at home. Cheerful with the kids and affectionate with my wife, but I never ever asked to have sex.<p>Well at my company Christmas party in January, my wife noticed something. I don't know what, she won't talk about it. She just said that she knows what was going on. She also said she forgives me and has been pursuing sex with me. We had one difficult conversation when I said I needed to be tested for STD's. I was tested and it was all fine. <p>So here is the situation now. She actually pursues me for sex. She really seems to be interested nor just faking it. I am of course happy about that but I feel like I need to tell her all the details. She does not want to here it. She just says she understands and that I am never to bring it up again.<p>This sounds great but I think I need some counseling or something. I have trouble feeling close to her. I'm afraid I did some sort of permanent damage to my personality. My wife was the only person I had ever been with before this stuff happened.<p>I will live by her rules, after all I was the bad one. So I can't talk about it with her.<p>So here is the question:<p>How do I fix myself?

CJ,<p>How do you fix yourself??? Darned if I know. But, I do know a few things. You need to be honest with your W. <p>You say: Yes, but she doesn't want to know.<p>I say: "Tell her fine, but if there comes a time that you want to know anything ask, I will be honest with you."<p>You need to respect her boundaries, but she needs to know that you are willing to be honest. THe concern here is that eventually she will build up resentment as you did and do something that really hurts. She may have already done that.<p>My suggestion to you is to get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and the both of you read it. You need to be meeting her needs and she yours.<p>I get the impression that you do love your W, and if your post is accurate these OW where only for sex, that you are not getting within your marriage.<p>I really think that you need to be honest with your W. I think you need to stop look at your marriage and make it better for the both of you.<p>My suggestion is to sit her down and tell her you would like to make the marriage better as apparently so would she. The propose that the two of you read Harley's book HNHN. My guess is that she was comfortable with not having sex with you, and she knew what she was doing. She now realizes that it was costing her, her marriage.<p>It could also be true the lack of desire had to do with her being attracted to someone else. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised by anything anymore.<p>So, start by being honest with your W. Meaning you will tell her anything she needs or wants to know. Then let her ask. But, in addition start to build a better marriage.<p>As for fixing you, what do you need fixed? Are you still interested in chasing OW? Well, you know the answer to that.<p>CJ, 5 children is a lot for you or your W to address and it sure is easy to get lost in all of that, but it is time for you to take charge and make your marriage and your family the top priority. What you did was take the path of least resistance. Now you need to do the hard work necessary to rebuild your marriage.<p>Hope this helps for a start. I am sure others will post.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>CJ,<p>How do you fix yourself??? Darned if I know. But, I do know a few things. You need to be honest with your W. <p>You say: Yes, but she doesn't want to know.<p>I say: "Tell her fine, but if there comes a time that you want to know anything ask, I will be honest with you."
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Thanks. We essentially had that discussion a couple of days after the STD results came back. She knows I will answer if she asks. I will tread on the boundary a bit and let he know again.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong><p>You need to respect her boundaries, but she needs to know that you are willing to be honest. THe concern here is that eventually she will build up resentment as you did and do something that really hurts. She may have already done that.<p>My suggestion to you is to get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and the both of you read it. You need to be meeting her needs and she yours.<p>I get the impression that you do love your W, and if your post is accurate these OW where only for sex, that you are not getting within your marriage.
</strong> <hr></blockquote><p>I do love my wife. And I was just using these other women. Not pretty but true and at least they knew the deal.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
I really think that you need to be honest with your W. I think you need to stop look at your marriage and make it better for the both of you.<p>My suggestion is to sit her down and tell her you would like to make the marriage better as apparently so would she. The propose that the two of you read Harley's book HNHN. My guess is that she was comfortable with not having sex with you, and she knew what she was doing. She now realizes that it was costing her, her marriage.<p>It could also be true the lack of desire had to do with her being attracted to someone else. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised by anything anymore.
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That is an interesting point. She has always told her friends that we have a great marriage and I am a great husband. I have heard this back through them and their husbands. Even typing that makes me cringe. <p>I think the kids and family care are just way more important to her than to me. I was also willing to do lots of things she wanted during the past couple of years and I didn't really ask for much in return, well she didn't know what I was getting in return.<p>In addition I have spent alot of time working on making myself more attractive and learning how to be better at sex. When you are 35 and married you really need to put in the effort. She doesn't say so but maybe I was bad at sex before.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
So, start by being honest with your W. Meaning you will tell her anything she needs or wants to know. Then let her ask. But, in addition start to build a better marriage.<p>As for fixing you, what do you need fixed? Are you still interested in chasing OW? Well, you know the answer to that.
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I'm not still interested in OW. But sex, even with my wife, just isn't emotionally fulfilling like it used to be. It is just a physical thing.
I really want to get back to being a part of it not just watching it.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
CJ, 5 children is a lot for you or your W to address and it sure is easy to get lost in all of that, but it is time for you to take charge and make your marriage and your family the top priority. What you did was take the path of least resistance. Now you need to do the hard work necessary to rebuild your marriage.<p>Hope this helps for a start. I am sure others will post.
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It really does help. I sound like such a whiner. I guess I need to put more effort into the marriage and less (none) into the other areas.
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God Bless,<p>JL</strong><hr></blockquote>

I wish you luck. My wife just found out about my affair. The OW told her. I am not one to give any advice. I just know I would love to be in a situation where my wife will even look me in the eye, let alone talk to me and have sex. I don't mean to down play your situation. Your marriage needs work. Oh I am sorry. I just see some similarities in our profiles. Kids, "good marriage", lack of sex....I just had one OW. I really need to sleep..........

dear cj- your story scared me at first-i thought you were my husband posting here. the similarites are amazing. there are a few differences though. i wont go into them though- you need help in figuring this out. i think the best thing i can tell you is do whatever she wants. she is the only one that can determine how she will heal. she may need time to figure all this out and just what she needs. has she been to this site? maybe you should get her here. these people have helped me immensely. listen to her and meet her needs. she probably feels starved for affection. she probably feels overwhelemed with the kids and life in general. how much do you help with the everyday stuff. you would be surprised how a little support makes a difference, especially when not asked for. do you ever take the kids and give her a day to herself? there is so much you could do. just hold her, reassure her and listen to her. she will eventually figure out what she needs. please keep in mind that she is probably questioning everything, all she knew is now upside-down. i hope this helps, im in the same situation. oh yeah- a whole lot of true remorse goes a long way! i wish my husband would show his remorse to me- i guess hes not ready yet though. good luck and keep posting.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nikko:
<strong>dear cj- your story scared me at first-i thought you were my husband posting here. the similarites are amazing. there are a few differences though. i wont go into them though- you need help in figuring this out. i think the best thing i can tell you is do whatever she wants.
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Thanks. I have done that. She has specifically told me she does not want to talk about it. I have one big concern regarding that. I don't know what she knows<p>I will put in all the effort but I don't want to have it wasted. What if she thinks it was only one other women? I am torn. I don't want to tell all the sordid details and some of it is pretty bad, but she may find out more later and have to start all over again.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nikko:
<strong><p>she is the only one that can determine how she will heal. she may need time to figure all this out and just what she needs. has she been to this site? maybe you should get her here. these people have helped me immensely. listen to her and meet her needs. she probably feels starved for affection. she probably feels overwhelemed with the kids and life in general. how much do you help with the everyday stuff. you would be surprised how a little support makes a difference, especially when not asked for. do you ever take the kids and give her a day to herself?
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I help alot with the everyday stuff even though she stays at home. I take the kids and do fun stuff every saturday so she can catch up. She does some work and some fun and then the kids and I ususally bring pizza and a movie home.<p>There was a time when I was not affectionate because I was feeling rejected. But since the cheating started I have been very affectionate in the ways she wants with no sexual pressure. That is something she really likes.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nikko:
<strong><p>i wish my husband would show his remorse to me- i guess hes not ready yet though. good luck and keep posting.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'll work on this one. I did say I was sorry on D-day but I am probably not showing the day to day remorse. Do you have any hints about how to do this.

dear cj- i am so sorry this reply is late in coming. i was on vacation. anyway the thing that jumped out at me is the statement you made-i help a lot with the everyday stuff even though she stays home.
i have one question- which side of your head would you like me to hit you with the 2x4 with? have you ever tried doing everything she does? i would want to slap you if you had that attitude with me. please dont ever say that in that way to her.
and second of all-whats with the ill put in the effort but dont want to have it wasted?? i really am starting to think you are my husband. you did this, you and you alone. she may have had a hand in the breakdown of the marriage and walked down the infidelity hallway with you, but i can guarantee she didnt throw you through the door. you made that choice on your own. now suck it up and do whatever it takes to win back the woman who gave her life to you.<p>as far as showing remorse-unless you want acting lessons... i dont know what to tell you. that has to comeom your heart. and believe me, she will know if you truelly mean it. good luck.

Nikko,<p> Thanks for the tough advice. I'm working on this and I'm getting some professional counciling. He says I have alot of work to do.<p> I didn't mean to blame my wife for the affairs, but I can see how it reads that way. I spend plenty of time thinking I'm a terrible person but I'm not sure that helps anyone. We both lead demanding lives, 5 children will do that to you.<p> Jack

I give you credit for getting into counseling and working on yourself. This will help your marriage also.<p>One important thing from my viewpoint-have you been tested for stds? You say your wife doesn't want to know. But you need to think of both your and her health and be responsible. I have too many friends who have gotten stds from their H's affairs. <p>Good luck and keep posting

Jack,
Hi, I was wondering what happened to you.
How are you doing? It's a tough path you've chosen this time around, and only the strong ones take on the things you have going on.
Hope you'll keep us up to date.<p>Cerri

cj- havent heard from you in a while- how are things going??

Nikko and Cerri,<p> I am still around and doing alot of lurking to learn some more about dealing with this stuff.<p> I have been testes for many STD's and have come back clean. The bad one, HIV, requires another test in 4 months. <p> I have an appointment with my own counselor next week. This is to address my own issues and my wife is pretty supportive of it.<p> I still have not related the whole sordid story to my wife. I am hoping the counselor can give me some coaching on how to do it.<p> At least I have another three weeks before my next business trip. That will help me develop a better plan and get some help from the counselor.<p> Jack