Well, let’s see. Today is our anniversary, and I took off from work just so I could spend time with my H. It was SUPPOSED to be our first, romantic, loving anniversary since the affair. Anyone care to guess what happened?? YUP, he picked a fight last night, has totally shut me out and shut me down, and has left the house to do work. Yup, he told me OUT LOUD, on our ANNIVERSARY, that he doesn’t care if I live with him or stay married to him, it’s just not worth trying anymore. <p>Our anniversary in the year 2000, he was sleeping with the slut, so needless to say, he did not feel like celebrating our marriage or acknowledging our love in any way. We went out to eat the Gramma and the kids, and he would not look at me, talk to me, hold my hand, touch me, reassure me or ANYTHING. Last year, 2001, we had just decided to reconcile and try "for real" in February, but as our anniversary approached, we had a business trip to the southern part of the state, and we fought the whole way home. Lovely, huh? Now, this year!!!!!<p>This year was supposed to be the year that after hanging in there for TWO DARN YEARS, I finally had an anniversary that meant, "I am so glad to be married to you and I would marry you again." Now, I just feel like a fool…like I was sucked in AGAIN by his stupid promises and my stupid wishes. I feel like I have been taken advantage of and TOTALLY fooled—and part of it is my own darn fault for believing!! I took the whole darn DAY OFF just to be with him and spend some loving time together, and now HE’S ACTING LIKE THIS!!!!<p>Here’s what happened, in a nutshell. We spent the day together yesterday and planned to spend the night together because our anniversary was today. All day yesterday, he was acting quiet and sort of tired, so my little red flag was about half in the air, but periodically during the day I made suggestive remarks and some hints and a couple of whispers that I had something SPECIAL planned for bedtime (which, BTW, I did) and let’s go to bed early. All day, he seemed interested and responsive, so as the day wore on, I was of the growing impression that he also was looking forward to my plans, and I was getting excited!!<p>Soooo…we go to bed early and I lay out this special, sexy outfit and some toys; he seemed sort of distant. I asked, "Are you not in the mood for this or something?" He says that he has some things on his mind: the way that I worked hard on a project that made him look good…the way that we spent the day together as a family, going to batting practice and the swimming pool…the way that show "9/11" was pretty intense and kind of shook him up…but mostly that he was anxious and worried about tomorrow (our anniversary). I took this to be a signal to share our anxieties about our anniversary—BECAUSE GUESS WHAT???? I HAD FEARS TOO!! HE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE WORRIED ABOUT BEING HURT HERE!! So, like a FOOL I shared MY concerns and thoughts about the day, and since it was getting late by then and I was tired, I spoke slowly. <p>All he was interested in was himself. He rolled his eyes and said, "How does this relate to ME again??" At that point I knew that he wanted the focus to be on him and only him, so I tried to say, "Well, I understand that you have some reasonable stresses there, but I do not know how to help you because I have stresses of my own. I’m stuck, I don’t know what to do." He says, "What are you trying to say to me?" Finally, I could just see that my fears were not even going to be addressed—neither was the sexy outfit and toys—and the conversation was just going downhill (after all, by then it was late), so I said, "I don’t know. Let’s just forget it and go to sleep." <p>THEN, he grabs his pillows and storms off!!! He said, "I’m not feeling very close to you and I don’t
WANT to sleep with you!" (in an angry tone of voice, of course). D*mn it!! There I am doing my best to figure out what the heck he is talking about…trying to figure out why in the heck he all of a sudden didn’t want to do what he said all day he did want to do…and since I didn’t "get it right" and I wasn’t "perfect", he’s going to PUNISH ME. Well, that’s when I got mad. <p>Fine. If he wants to sleep on the couch, he can sleep on the couch. He wants to start a fight on the night before our anniversary—fine. But guess how long it will be before I invite him back in MY bed!!!!! <p>So, after about an hour or so, I fall asleep. Some time in the middle of the night, he comes back and gets back in bed!! He doesn’t say a word…no making it right with me or even asking if he can…he just gets back in bed!!! <p>Here I am, ON MY ANNIVERSARY, alone, shut out, told OUT LOUD that he doesn’t want me. I am so mad I can barely see straight. And to think that I believed him when he said he cared about me and wanted me back. I WANTED to see progress with the counseling and the anger group. What a fool I’ve been. Well guess what? NEVER AGAIN. <p>Did you hear that slamming sound?? That would be my heart slamming shut…HARD.<p>
CJ

Dear CJ,
I feel for you. I'm really sorry - sounds exactly like me and my H - we have those kinds of conversations late at night - all about him, never about me - well, I don't have any answers for you, BUT he DID come back to bed with you - he just didn't do it the way you wanted him to - you had a lot of expectations and it just didn't go to plan. I'd say it was a good sign he came back to bed. Try just touching his hand and see if he holds your hand for awhile. Maybe he felt a bit intimidated, like he thought he might have to perform. I don't know. I don't know your H - I don't right now think I know mine - but I have also been there in bed late at night, trying hard and having it all end in a mess. It doesn't mean it has to be over. But you're hurting bad and I hear you. Hope things are better by now.
Take care,
Odile

Okay, well, it's Tuesday--managed to survive through the day yesterday.<p>We fought probably until about noon. Then we talked. We went to lunch because I had taken the day off and we were hungry. We got our kids and went to baseball practice, which was fun. Our girl did pretty good!! Then we had a nice dinner cooked at home and watched some TV. Finally, we had a pretty good talk before going to bed.<p>I do not know how to say this, but the FIGHT yesterday was HORRIBLE...worse than ever, and some things were said that were so EXTREMELY, PURPOSELY, DEEPLY wounding that I just can not repeat them. I don't even want to REMEMBER them!! How can someone, who supposedly loves me, even THINK of saying those things to me?? HOW???? Like I told him, in some of our other fights, I have felt pummeled by his words--this time I feel like my face got smashed and I was thrown down the stairs. <p>I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense, but ever since yesterday, I have been trying and trying and trying to "get it back" and I just can't. I think that fight was so vicious that my Love Bank was broken...smashed. I know it's not physical, like with bruises and broken bones, but in a way, I wish it was, so I could say, "SEE!!! You really ARE hurting me." Before, when I felt pummeled, I would be sore for a while, but eventually feel a little better. This time, I feel like I need emotional hospitalization.<p>I'm taking some time off this morning, so I may not be able to write until tomorrow or so. I have just gotten to a point where I need to disappear for a day or two. I'll take care of myself, I promise.<p>
CJ<p>
BTW, will you do me a favor and just be supportive and encouraging? I know what I need to do, and I am doing it--I just feel kinda sad about it, ya know?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:
<strong>
BTW, will you do me a favor and just be supportive and encouraging? I know what I need to do, and I am doing it--I just feel kinda sad about it, ya know?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>CJ, <p>You're good enough!
You're smart enough!
And, doggoneit!! People like YOU!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Hey, don't sweat it! You're doing all the right things! Yeah, I know that it seems like your H has broken the Bank, but the "Bank" can be repaired, and I have a feeling that it will be repaired very soon! Your H is just a little screwed up right now. We ALL know that, including HIM!! I'll bet he (often) asks himself, "What the H*ll's WRONG with me?!!" Don't ya think? <p>BTW, I know that my W does this all the time! She wonders what's wrong with her? Why can't she find these feelings? Bottom line..............<p>The word for today is, "WANT"! Both, your H, and my W have to WANT this. We have NO control over them! NONE! ZERO! NADA! <p>So, feel good that YOU aren't screwed up!
Feel good that YOU ARE doing all the right things!
Feel good that God smiles on your efforts!
Feel good that you're wonderful, attractive, sexy, smart, and ANYONE would love to have YOU!
Feel good that your H will (eventually) realize ALL of the above! <p>You're SUPER! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless you, and take care of YOU! We ALL need you!! <p>HT