I hope someone can help me, or at least give me some direction. I'm not married yet, but have lived with my fiance for 3 years. He just told me that he had an affair with a co-worker about a month and a half ago. Twice, they rented a hotel room and had sex. Last week, the co-worker abruptly quit (I think this is why he decided to tell me).
Right now the biggest issue bothering me, is the sex part. I know he is not emotionally attached to this woman. She was having a hard time in her life, he tried to console her, etc. He says he regrets it. But I cannot get over the fact that he slept with someone else while sleeping with me. He actually would come home and eat the meals I made, then say he was going to his second job...instead he went to the hotel...and then would come home and lay in bed next to me!! I am just so sad, and disgusted. He didn't even have the decency to lay down on the couch...he laid next to me after having intercourse with someone else.
Am I wrong to be fixated on this?? This is proving to be a real stumbling block. I don't want to do anything with him, because I do not want to do what SHE did with him. I can't stop thinking about them and it is giving me the creeps, and....ugh...can anyone help?????

First of all, you are very justified with how you feel. If your boyfriend really wants this to work, I think you both need to go to counseling. If he refuses, I would question marrying him. <p>If he wants your relationship to work, there are many really helpful books out there. I liked Torn Asunder the best. All of the information on emotional needs at this site is very helpful too.<p>My H and I were separated for 9 mos due to his affair with my former best friend. If we hadn't separated, the hurt and anger would have torn us apart. We did date after a while, and were both in counseling. We would have never made it without that, and lots of prayers. <p>Please make sure you both get checked for stds. I live in a very small area and have been amazed with how many women I know who've gotten them from their spouses. I would not even consider sleeping with my H until he was tested, even though he had lied about the affair for years so I had unknowingly slept with him and been exposed to the threat of disease. Thank goodness we both tested negative.<p>I would recommend that you also go to the General Questions II forum and In Recovery. You may find helpful information and support there. <p>This may very well be the hardest thing you go through. You CAN do it if you're both committed. Do NOT brush it under the rug, I did and it was MUCH harder to deal with later. Similar to post traumatic stress. Good luck and keep us posted!

MaggieRose, thank you so much for your reply. It feels good to have someone talk to me about this, because I am mortified and too embarrassed to tell anyone I know. I know it's not my fault...but I still cannot tell anyone face to face.
I have been checking this site (which seems the best) and also DearPeggy.com. I think my big problem right now, is going to be the fact that I want to keep talking about it, and he wants the discussion to be over within 24 hours...know what I mean? He has to understand my need for answers, and be willing to accept and entertain that. I also appreciate your recommendation for counseling; it may be beneficial. He does want to work on the relationship, and "re-devote" himself to me...but he also has to be 100% honest with me. He cannot cover up what he did.
I guess I should just be grateful that he and I are not actually married yet, as many people here are...
I'm really stressing out over this, and still don't know if I/we will get through it...but thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

You're welcome. It helps to know somebody else has been through similar stuff, and survived! Anyway, there is a really good article at findarticles.com by Psychology Today called Shattered Vows. It does a great job of explaining why the betrayed DOES need to know details, in order to piece things together and move on. It helped my husband to see that my request for information was more than reasonable. Also, the book Torn Asunder explains why the betrayer has to feel your pain, in order not to do it again. Don't cover it up or buy his reluctance to discuss it. If he won't with you, he may in counseling. That's what finally worked for us. It gave my Husband a 'safe' environment to confess. Yeah, right, like I was going to kill him or something! <p>I know there is a link at one of the forums, maybe In Recovery or General Questions II that includes lots of good sites, books, etc. There's a link to the article I mentioned. I'll try to find it and let you know. Hang in there

MaggieRose, thanks again. It DOES help to talk with someone who's been through it. I started checking the other threads (In Recovery, General Questions II) and the book Torn Asunder sounds very good. I am reading the Psychology Today article now, and it is WONDERFUL. Guess who is getting a printout of that one?<p>He got very upset when I started asking him questions about the sex...I hope the information I've gathered, will show him that I am not crazy, and that is an important part of healing, if that is what he really wants to do.<p>I am still reacting to this, because I only found out about 24 hours ago (he says the two occurrences were in late Jan. and early Feb. - I sure hope he is telling the truth). I think I want him to quit his parttime night job...how can I trust that he is really going there? He's got some work to do...both of us...but he is the one who screwed up, and I will NOT be made to feel like a fool when I've done nothing wrong.<p>Many, many thanks...and I am glad it worked out for you...gives me some hope!

I feel so sorry for you heartache. Yes, your feelings of betrayal are right; you should feel that way right now. Think of what was lost because of this: trust, faith in him, peace of mind aand heart, intimacy, a sense of safty in his love, you feeling of being special - his only one, and the list could easily go on. It would be good for you to add to it because these are things you will have to grieve over. They are real losses adn will not be healed by just not talking and moving on. I think counseling is a great suggestion, and I also think that you should not marry him until you are absoultely sure in your heart that you feel totally safe in his exclusive love for you. If you don't, then why marry someone who will always be a cause of worry and fear for you?<p>One suggestion, it is not the best to have all the details of what they did in bed. I know that this is a powerful desire, and I am not saying it is wrong, but that knowledge sometimes is impossible to get out of our minds once it is known, even years later. I dated a girl years ago who was sexual with another man. I demanded the details even though we had not been sexual with each other. Even though we never married I still cannot get these things out of my mind 27 yreas later. I still feel betrayed somehow.

Keep in mind that your boyfriend may not be aware of how hurt you are and how strong the feeling of betrayal is. Somehow, men can be pretty dense about this. I know that in my experience I certainly wanted to put my EA behind me ASAP and it took a while for me to figure out that I was going to have to A LOT of work to win back my wife's trust. I suggest you try to educate him in a positive way, with information from this site, and explain the importance of building a strong relationship prior to getting married. <p>You may not want to hear this either, but I'd reconsider living together. Living together without being married is being under the same roof but without the commitment to fully integrate your lives. It's "renting" instead of "buying". The fact that this happened in the first place is evidence that your relationship is not as strong as a marriage should be. At least you have a chance to fix it now.

Straycat,<p>Thanks for your input in my Topic (I Have Real Concerns...Need Help!). My W, who's bi-sexual, had a little trist with her girlfriend and husband (not their 1st time together though, they've done this several times) 2 weeks before I moved out to California (yes, we were engaged). She completely assured me the husband didn't have sex with her, that it was just her and her friend and he got to enjoy the show, so I believed it and decided to come out here anyway. In retrospect, that should have been my warning right then and there to cancel all plans and keep my current job. Little did I know that she had a propensity for getting into situations with men that could turn sexual. I only wish I listened to my inner-voice yelling "Don't Go! Back out now!" So, based on my experience, if you are not married now, keep it that way! This could have just as easily happened after you were married. If you have a date set. Cancel it now! Do not move forward until you know in your heart that your fiance will make every effort to gain and keep your trust, no matter what it takes! And make absolutley sure that you get back that "In Love" feeling before you get married. If you stay with this man, you have to have a clear conscience and heart, and so does he! Don't let your plans take precedence over your own personal well-being. Your perfect wedding day is already tarnished. Even if you were most certain that this guy is really the one you wanted to spend your life with, now you have to make extra extra sure. I don't want to discourage you and I wish you all the best, but make good use of this early warning and make it a blessing in disguise, whether the end result is staying together or going your separate ways.<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</p>

StrayCat - I can really understand your wanting to know all of the details, as well as how dangerous it can be. I needed / still need to know the details, not just what he did, but what he thought, how he felt. It helps me understand how it happened (I know why, just not how he could actually do it and lie to me). But, it creates a great deal of obsessive pain, and the images pop into my head during unlikely times, out of my control.<p>Your fiance needs to commit to rebuilding your trust and faith, and it's going to take a whole lot longer than 24 hours. I agree with some of the other folks who have said if he's not willing to put the time and effort into it now, don't move forward with the marriage! For the first time, my WH is willing to do the work *I* and *we* need to do. The EN questionnaires, reading His Needs, Her Needs, seeing a counselor, and talking, talking and then some more talking. If he'll do it, have him come here and read, or start printing out the important things and giving to him to read.<p>I'm so sorry you are going through this!

Hi Blindsided, KS41, thanks so much for reading my story, and re-opening my topic. I am having good days, and bad days. Sometimes the images just come back, and I wish they wouldn't. Most of the time when this happens, my fiance is willing to talk...but sometimes he isn't...that is tough for me, because his willingness to talk is somewhat of a symbol to me that he is regretful and sorry...but he says that just because he doesn't show it, doesn't mean he isn't killing himself inside...I wish he would be more forthcoming with his feelings...is it crazy for me to want to hear how sorry he is, over and over? We are working on this...<p>This is the guy I want to marry...and I do have faith that we will...but don't worry, it won't be anytime soon! Taking things slowly.