I had posted to another area and it was suggested I should post my message here.<p>A couple of months ago I would have never dreamed I would be posting a message to this site. My husband of 18 years told me he needed time to sort things out and didn't know if he was commited to our marriage. That came as a total shock to me. Sure, we had our arguments, but I had no idea that he was thinking of ending our marriage.
A lot has happened in the last few months. I found out that there is another woman that he claims is a "friend". Someone he can talk to who doesn't judge or critize him. This has been very hard to deal with.
I did start going to counseling and that has helped some. He has gone on his own once and with me a couple of times. He is unsure of why he's going to counseling, worse case senerio is to be able to communicate, he's not sure.
One of his reasons for our eperation has been that I tell him how he thinks and feels. I have recently discovered that I did communicate that to him. In trying to "fix" things I did tell him and my kids how to think and feel. Don't get me wron, I'm not shouldring all the blame for the problems in our marriage, I'm just discovering my part in them.
One of the things that really confuse me is that I don't have a chance to apply what I have learned to our marriage.
The other thing that confuses me is that I don't understand how I could want to be with him after all I've been through. My head and my heart are in disagreement.
I have probably communicated that I'm not in pain, I am. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I'm getting a bit better, but it's constantly on my mind.
I jut recently made a decision to not call him. Each day that I don't talk to him feels like an eternity.
Any help or suggestions would be greaty appreciated. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: ttsto123 ]<p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: ttsto123 ]</p>

New here and not sure I can help, but would add that what you are feeling is normal and the confusion I hope clears. Just found out 3 wks now that H of 17 years was having an internet affair. I share same thoughts and concerns but with each day and God's grace it gets better.

Hi... and welcome to both of you...<p>tracie... I posted to you in GQII...<p>
Sorry this has to be standard welcome... I have a drs appt. and have to leave in a minute...<p>This is a great place for support and learning. Read all you can on the site... Basic Concepts... Q&A...Articles...etc.<p>This forum has threads w/ General Welcome... Noteable Posts... Acronyms/Abbreviation meanings...etc.<p>If you can get the Harleys' books... Surviving an Affair... His Needs/Her Needs and LoveBusters... they would be a great resource...<p>Finally post... post... ask Q's... and be patient... sometimes you have to be persistant and keep bumping up your post... or post here and in General Questions (where there is more traffic) in order to get input... <p>Good luck... and yes, as you read here... you will find that there is hope... YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS...<p>Cali

ttsto123,<p>Cali posted some great information to get started on. Sorry for the reason that you have come to this board. We know all too well the pain that that is experienced. For me, it felt like I had been shot in the heart.<p>That was said so well - that your head and your heart are in disagreement. I know I have experienced that. Early on I did a phone session with dearpeggy(.com) and she suggested not making any decsions while so hurt and angry, to wait 6 mo to a year. I am very glad that I am doing that. I could not have made a rational dicision at the time, it was like being on a roller coaster. Now, I don't know how we can ever be together again, but I'm leaving that up to God. He is bringing my WH home slowly but surley.<p>Steve Harley told my that I am plan A'ing in a psuedo plan b bcos WH dosn't live at home either. Now I am OK with that. It is actually easier to plan A when I'm not with him all the time. When he does come home (a few days every 4-6 weeks) it is more tense in our house. <p>It is hard to listen to WH without judging or critcizing. (OW seem to do that all so well, I guess bcos they have nothing to loose???) I have had to work hard on myself & listen to WH, really listen. I don't react at the time, but later it's like a cat - my back goes up & i screeeech!!!!<p>I have been M over 20 years. My oldest S told my recently for me not to stay together bcos of them (that the oldest 2 had talked & would get the youngest through if DV) That takes some pressure off of me. I found an old journal from the year WH & I met. It was great to re- feel all those emotions. But one thing that stuck out - we wer friends before dating. That is where I told my WH that I want to get to - to be friends. (Then who knows from there...)<p>You might consider an appmnt with Steve Harley. He's really great with strategies. by strategies, I mean helping each spouse become the best they can be & indivially orchestrates hopefully a restored M.<p>Keep posting & agian sorry for your pain & reason you are here.
<p> [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

One more thought, when I initially found out, I had to stay away too. I couldn't stand the thought of being near or talking to him. I had to work through the pain & anguish. My whole world had been shattered & nothing was the same. I needed some perspective on his A's & I got that through MB, the books, the counseling, the boards, and the articles. <p>Read all you can now. use this time that you are not together to gain perspective & ultimatly become a better you.<p>Hugs
[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]