I found out on 3/3/02 about my H's EMA. I am completely devastated. We have been married 5 years and been together for 13 years (since high school). We have two daughters 2y/o and 7 mo. H went back to work after a year at home with my first D. He met OW there (also married, older w/ kids) that he claims he has formed a special connection with. He says he loves OW more than he has ever loved me. He now says that our marriage has been devoid of love and happiness for almost 3 years. He says I LB'd him til he just didn't care. Now he says he loves me as a friend and doesn't think we have a marriage anymore. He says he's confused, can't give up his love for OW and doesn't think our marriage is worth saving. I am completely shocked by all of this. Yes I admit to doing my fair share of LB but so did he. But I thought our love was still there and that we were working on the same goals and future-- home, family, etc. I remember a lot of happy times in the last few years that H discounts. I still love him and thought our love could withstand some tough times. I have found letters they have written -- they are so strikingly similar to the letters we wrote to each other years ago. Even some of the same references. For me, I am in total disbelief. H had been caring and never communicated his EN's until D-day. Now he says that he's not sure he can commit to our marriage because he doesn't know if he can love me again, doesn't know if there is enough to build on. Although he says he is going to give her up, he says he will always love her. He also says the only reason he would stay in our marriage is for our Ds.
We have started MC and have been talking a lot. ? too much. I want to Plan A but only if there is hope. I have trouble Plan A'ing without asking why, what H's thinking, his plan. I have ordered some books and have been reading this site. Any advice, experience and insight would be greatly appreciated.

Hugs shellshocked...<p>Man... your post sure sounds a whole lot like mine did just one short year ago...<p>Take heart... there's a lot you can do... <p>Read all you can at this site. Especially Basic Concepts... the Q&A and the articles... If you can get a hold of Surviving and Affair... His Needs/Her Needs & LoveBusters... they are a tremendous resource.<p>Look for the General Welcome on this forum... plus Noteable Posts and there is a post about the acronyms and abbreviation meanings...<p>Post and post and post some more... if you don't get many replies... bump up your post... be patient, but persistant... also note that the GeneralQuestionII forum gets more 'traffic.'<p>Finally... and I know this will be hard... but you must take your focus off your H and his A and put it on YOU... plan A and plan B are both about YOU... YOU learning and getting stronger... that is your job now... 1. Learn. 2. Make a Plan. 3. Get stronger.<p>Hugs and prayers,<p>Cali

Thanks for the hugs, Cali.<p>I have been reading a lot on site and have ordered Surviving an affair and His needs/her needs. Everything is in such limbo right now that it drives me crazy.

Shellshocked-<p>Your pain is too fresh for almost anything to make sense now. Keep reading and posting. My experience is 7-9 months old now and I am just beginning to get my perspective back. I would certianly suggest counselling. It will help to have someone to talk to in person. <p>Keep reading. My pattern was read and cry, read and cry, read and cry. I finally had to start taking anti-depressants.<p>Talking and posting will help. Talking to your spouse will help but it will be a while before you can be rational. <p>It is so hard to do but you must take care of yourself. I feel for you... I am praying for you as soon as I finish this post. <p>Take care.

Shellshocked... my limboland life lasted 9 months... it has only been the last couple of months where I have felt 'normal.'<p>Reading about affairs... the whys and wherefores... how recovery takes place... will help you understand what you are feeling and why... kinda like seeing the rise of the rollercoaster and knowing you will be going up... Dave Carder's book, Torn Asunder, has a really clear outline of the recovery process for both the betrayed and the infidel...<p>Good luck... and more hugs...<p>Cali

Shellshocked -
Oh my dear, I have been in your shoes - truly. My H was NOT in love with me, but with OW, and he was staying with his family only because of his love for our children. DDay was two years ago this coming May and I had discovered continued contact just this past November, when again, my H said he didn't love me. Guess what - Valentine's Day - the Big "I LOVE YOU" from my H. The light went on, the billionth of a volt zapped him. I have been in plan A for almost TWO YEARS and actually I'm in plan A for the rest of my life!!
SO - right now, while your pain is so new and so debilitating, take the advice given and read. Get to counselling, and come here. Be prepared for a long journey - many ups and downs, steps forward and steps back.
Love and prayers to you.

Thanks for all your replies. I am reading a lot of articles and books. We are going to marriage counselling. Is the book Torn Asunder from a particularly religious perspective? It sounds like a must read however, neither of us are very religious.<p>It is so hard to watch him going through all of this. I wish things could be instantly better. <p>What do you think about this? H wants to continue to work with OW. He says he will give up the EA -- no personal contact, letters, exchange of affection, etc. But he doesn't feel he can leave his job. Has anyone known this to work? Can he continue to work with her but not be
involved?

Yes, Torn Asunder is written by a minister... so it does have a 'religious' perspective... some people recommend "After the Affair" written by Abrahms a clinical psychologist...<p>BOY, DO I REMEMBER THE 'I WANT THIS FIXED now!!!' FEELING. It took me a while to get over it and 'trust' the timelines. Full recovery is about 2 years past NO CONTACT... and no contact is important... <p>There are some that still work w/ OW/OM... and it is working for them... but many find they need to be totally away from that person... you might post your question in Recovery or General Questions to get more responses....<p>Also, be wary of traditional marriage counseling... ask ??s about the personal philosophy re: marriage and infidelity... see if the person is 'solutions' based or problem-based... many delve too long in the 'problems' and that seems to dig at the wounds... Michele Weiner-Davis, in Divorce Remedy, discusses 'solutions-based' counseling... her website is www.divorcebusting.com .<p>Hugs,
Cali