I am new here and this is the only place that looked like a good place to start. My wife became "friends" with a co-worker last summer. Actually, they have worked together for a while but this was their first project together. She had to travel with him, another guy and another girl a lot on business. Four trips of a week each from June to September. All in a beach town. The trips were legitimate. I am sure.<p>I tried to be a good husband and never question her integrity. However, the first week she was gone I would wait for a phone call until after midnight and then call her. Most days I wouldn't get a response and would leave a message. They were all out until 1 or 2 in the morning. One night I called late and got a busy signal. She said that she was talking to her "friend". She came home with a temporary tattoo in an unconspicuous place and admitted the "friend" had seen it. (About 1 inch above her pubic hair).<p>I told her I was very uncomfortable with all this. She blew it off. <p>Her second trip was better, she called more. But the calls were 1 or 2 in the morning.<p>I decided to bug our phone. The weekend before her 3rd trip I got several messages (she checked her voice mail at the office from home). He would leave her messages that said "I can't wait to see you. I am just trying to get through the weekend...I miss you etc. They were leaving for a trip on Monday.<p>I didn't hear all this until I listened to the tape the morning she left. I called her office and left an urgent message to call me. She did and I told her I knew about the "friend". She was upset and said that he was just a friend and that they were just joking around. I told her I would pack me and the kids up and be gone by the time she got back. She panicked. She asked me to come to the place where they were going.<p>I did. Terrible week. She blew me off etc. <p>We came back and she said that she would talk to the guy and say that things had gotten out of hand. <p>She had another trip 2 weeks later. The week before she took thursday off. I recorded that day. I got two conversations....They talked about painting her toenails...what he could do with cucumber cream...hottubs (he said he was good under water...she asked how long he could hold his breath. On the upside they didn't say they loved each other.<p>I freaked... I hired a PI and he watched them on the last trip. He never proved that they were in a room together, but thought that he was in her room on two evenings. He watched them at a resturant with the other couple (not attached I guess they were just "friends" too) all these people are married. He reported:<p>They fed each other bites of food all through dinner.<p>There was a lot of talk about sex toys and sex games.<p>The friend said I think we should all go back to the room and rub baby oil all over each other and play naked twister.<p>She spilled some food on her "chest" and he "assisted her" with his hand to remove the food "slowly and deliberately".<p>After dinner (lobster) she cleaned her hands with a towellette and held her hand up to his face to smell and he "licked it slowly from palm to finger tips". <p>I told her all of this and showed her the PI stuff. She says he was never in her room and doesn't remember the food and hand licking happening.<p>At first she was very remorseful and apologetic for hurting me but maintains that it was just out of control flirting. Still I am devastated. <p>It has been 7 months now and I am still in counselling. I am coming to this site to help me understand and find ways to move forward. <p>She is tired of talking about it and wants to "move on with our life". She is very good to me now but seems distressed by the fact that I still have my moments. Where do I go from here.

Hi Michael T<p>Glad you came to MB web site it is a really good place to start....<p>I am a Junior member also suffering from a WS (wayward spouse) and have found the MB concepts to be my strenght, encouragement,hope. My groundings to keep me focused. <p>If you haven't had time to read much on the Marriage Builders (MB) web site at least start with this Surviving Infidelity It provides excellent guidance and understanding for both you the BS (betrayed spouse)and your wife the wayward spouse (WS). Make no doubt, the emotional affairs (EA) are just that affairs! They are selfish behavior that damages your marriage. They are devastating and destructive.<p>Your wife is probably following the pattern that is commonly described in the web article, which helps you understand better and know that it is common behavior and helps you realize you are not alone in this, a lot of what she is doing is typical of those who engage in these relationships. If offers ways for her to stop the relationship permanately and acknowledge to you that she is willing to return to restoring your relationship. It gives hope for you and a guide for her. It even helps each of you understand what really is taking place. It is a positive approach to dealing with many "issues" in marriages.<p>My best suggestion is to spend huge amounts of time reading Surving an Affair even order the book Surving An Affairon site. See if you can encourage your wife to join you.<p>Then use the Forum to add additional input after you have become familiar with the info and the Basic Conceptsweb page.<p>Read. Read. Read. And try to follow the guidelines, it is a good starting place.<p>Good Luck, return when you need to vent.

okay...as a wife of a WS(EA only..he claims).<p>I can't give you any advise, but definatley emphasize on what you are feeling. I never had the "balls" to bug the phone or hire a PI...but i did find things out myself just with a little trip to his office and his computer.<p>Does she still work this man? I think that would be the most important factor, if he is still there..i would think a new job would be absolutely necessary. Even if it means less money at a new job..isn't your marriage worth it??<p>The things you descibed are more than out of control flirtations. She needs to get out of that atmosphere and concentrate on making you her one and only priorioty!<p>If she can do that..i think you might have a shot!<p>I know that doesn't ease the pain...but maybe you have won the war.

Not to worry you, but it sure sounds like a PA to me. My H had what he claimed was EA only 6 years ago with my former best friend. They both had me convinced, even made me look like a lunatic for thinking anything happened. It was bad enough that we were separated for 9 mos. He could have lost his business, she was his partner's wife and an employee. He was willing to do ANYTHING to be with her.<p>We eventually got back together and after counseling (Lots), we were doing better. Well, I had reason to be suspicious and thought he had lied all along. So this last summer in counseling he was 'forced' to tell. It was indeed a PA, including in my bed. He says oral sex only, I don't know if that's true or not. Destroyed me, and my trust for both him and friends in general. It's so much harder to find out years later and think about what I fool I must have looked like to believe him.<p>I found the book Torn Asunder very helpful. It helped my H to see that I HAD to express my feelings, have my ?s answered, in order to rebuild. And he had to fully see the impact of his selfish actions in order to really feel my pain. Also, there is an article at findarticles.com called Shattered Vows by Psychology Today that I really liked. It explains why the BS needs to have ?s answered in order to put the puzzle together and move on.<p>Your wife can't just brush this off. believe me, it will come back much worse later if you do. It's not worth it. Try to get her to go to counseling. If she won't, go alone.<p>I really do think you need to know the truth, I don't think you're getting it. I hope you can work things out. It's very hard to read your pain and it brings much of mine back. good luck

Mike,<p>Hate to say it but it was, and may still be a physical affair - I found e mails, cards, etc when i was finding out about my wife's affair - she used the same excuses - just friends, harmless and so on, until I busted her having cyber sex (I installed keylogger softwear).<p>Now that she knows you bugged the phone and hired a PI, they would naturally be a lot more careful. Hard to say, maybe they broke it off, but I wouldn't bet on it based on my own experience. <p>Get the book Surviving an Affair - see if she will read it with you. Sounds like she doesn't want to leave - maybe just wants her cake and eat it too. <p>Mike

Thanks to everyone who replied. I too believe it was a PA. She denies that. She has changed a lot over the last few months. We have been going to counselling once a week. Therapy is helping. We have also become much more involved in church. During the time she was involved she didn't want to go to church. This should have been a giant red flag to me. Her behaviors have gone back to what I would consider normal (like before the A). We are making progress. We are both Christians. I know it may not sound like it but she does love the Lord. I think that is what finally brought her back. I am reading everything I can find on this site and hoping that as new issues come up you guys will listen to me vent as I post.

Also, have you both been checked for stds? It's the first thing I did when I found out the truth. Unfortunately, they are easy to catch and spread quickly. We live in a very small area and I have 2 good friends who caught them from their H's affairs. Protect yourself and insist on this.<p>I'm glad you are in counseling. Is the counselor addressing whether it was indeed physical? I don't see how you can really heal if she is lying and continues to do so. I guess I feel strongly about this because it really affected our marriage when he lied for sooooo long.<p>I'm glad you're going to church. My H was willing to give up his religion for her but somehow found his way back. Prayer really helps. Good luck. I can't remember when you said this happened. Don't be too hard on yourself, when I thought it was EA only...it took me about 2 years to really feel 'better.'

Hi Michael,
Welcome to MB, you have come to a very special place, full of others who are in similar situations or can just be an ear for you!
I understand your pain, no type of affair, E or P is easy to deal with. The pain and hurt can last quite some time. But i pray that your suffering will end soon.
Try the prayer page, there are lots of people there who will pray for you and for your wife.
Steph