guess this is a bettter place to post this::<p>well, here i am, a 27 y/o male who, in retrospect, didn't give the effort
she needed, but DID give my promise and commitment for the rest of my life.
I know it sounds so cliche, but damn it hurts like hell when you get that
call: "Jon, I feel like i've been apeasing you for a while and trying to
make this work, but alas I want a divorce!" A WHAT!?, as my knees buckle!
3 and a half years, no kids, no house. I guess I can count my blessings.
Funny thing is that SHE was the one for the past year all but begging me to
have kids and buy a house! Still in school, I voted NO. Aint that Ironic.
I always doubted people that said their divorces came out of the blue, yeah
right, you HAD to see something comming. Well, I'm here to tell you, it
exists, and it's UGLY S#!T. I saw her off at the airport for 5 weeks of job
training out of state. Kissed her, safe trip, and I'd see her soon. All
week I fanticized about her return 2 weeks later for a weekend home w/ me.
What a diff. a day makes!<p>1 week away from home:
*Sat: spoke about which lot we would pick out for a new house to be built in
a few months. I love you a ton, see you in a week!
*Sun: Monotone voice: "I've had a chance to think while away, and I don't
think this marriage will work. No therapy, no chance, make plans!"
mon-tues-wed-thurs-fri: devistation, wheeping like a puppy. No change, "Is
this really the woman I married, my dream woman?"
*Sat-Sun: pick her up at the airport, nice conversation, NERVOUS AS HELL!
gave her a letter pouring my soul out, committing my life to making myself a
complete person and our marriage goal #1! She slept on it, and awoke w/ the
same lack of commitment <p>So she's been gone 2 weeks and has 1 more week. I'm moving out this week and finishing
finals, WHAT TIMING!<p>No bickering, nasties, or anything that would give ME a clue! We would tell
eachother how happy we BOTH were that we were married and had each-other,
and didnt have to deal w/ the bull**** of being single. Our sex life has
even been IMPROVING over the last year. A fight/disagreement every 6 months
if that. I just shake my head ashamed at the role I may have played leading
to this graveyard of destitution! BUT I CURSE HER for not sitting me down,
looking me in the eye, holding my hand and saying: "Jon, I love you, but
there ARE problems I'm having and we NEED to get help/change YESTERDAY!"
I'm cool, SIGN ME UP!<p>I feel like a reliable car that just got traded in for that sporty
convertible. Welcome to the 21st century w/ Gen X at the wheel: "Got
commitment?, Naw, it's FEELINGS that count" She has a degree and been
working for 3 years. finally broke through to a pharmaceutical sales
position, makes twice what whe did a year ago, and its SEE YA LATERville!<p>I feel defrauded. None of those smiles, touches, sighs, I-Love-Yous,
reassurances, dreams or ANY OF IT was for real. It WAS for me, but I guess
it takes 2!<p>The questions and uncertainty: was it me? what did i do? why wont she face
her problems w/ me? why does she REFUSE counselling? do I go for alimony?
Do I just cut my ties and make my own path? Do I sit and CRYor thank God
that I found out what her idea of marriage was when I did? Man, this
roller-coaster is a wild ride. Great way to loose weight though <p>GOD, I'm scared to love again. I'm hoping for that "come-to-jesus" moment
that she might have when she gets back to an empty apartment and just
another DAMN job peddling drugs to snotty doctors I don't know if it will
come though. She's a strong-willed woman, thats why I married her.<p>Well, thanx for the ear, and wish us luck. Good luck to you all out there
too! You must be shaking your heads saying: "He's got it soooo easy!"
Well, even w/out kids or a house, that was our dream. And now the dream is
all but dead!<p>better days will come,<p>Jon <p>
PS: posted this morning before reading much of this site. REALLY GREAT STUFF HERE! I have realigned my spiritual walk in life, realized more of my flaws and my marriage's flaws, and just pray that things get better. Still getting used to the SB's and D's and WAW's and so on (whatever they mean [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ), but it'll come. Please pray for my wife that she realizes her husband IS ready for a new life, an honest life, and one that we can learn and grow in together.<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: JON ]</p>

I'm very sorry to hear this. Do you have any understanding of how it is your W thinks you've fallen short? It doesn't sound as if you do. You're entitled to know that at least. Also, this is very sudden. Any chance she met someone else and started an A while she was away?

eddy, that's the question I've been asking her and myself the last few weeks. Her answer is that she feels like she's been trying too hard to make this marriage work, to appease me. Man, that's news to me. She INSISTS that she has let me know this. Only memory I have is one frustrating evening a few months ago where we questioned where we were going. I seriously thought she was just having a bad evening. It ended in a huge hug and a few tears. I admit in retrospect that it was a band-aid put on a bigger wound, but I had NO CLUE that wound was a gaping hole. <p>Another thing she states is that she is a totally different person when she's working. I replied: "well who isnt!?" I guess she likes the person at work, but resents the person she becomes when at home?? I agree w/ her. If she likes the work person, stay there 24/7! <p>We had a tough time financially in the beginning of our marriage, and she was the one that had to make most of the money, and work the hardest. (she had 2 degrees) I wish I would have worked harder and done more, but that's behind now. Now that 'we' are financially secure and were ready to buy a home, it just feels like she's taking a big sigh of relief and getting rid of her baggage. ?? <p>I really dont think there is someone else. I confronted her and she said no. I can do nothing but believe her.<p>I agree that she OWES me that which you speak of. I have told her that I would like to go to counseling if only to be better people. She said she would only be doing that to 'appease' me, and that she wouldn't. I guess she really resents me making decisions or setting agendas.<p>Bottom line is that I want to work on this until we KNOW it was not meant to be. She feels she already HAS. I say thanx alot for including me in my own marriage!<p>I can see very clearly now that our #1 prob. is/was communication. I mentioned that to her 3 days after she dropped her bomb on me. We learned to smooth over the rough stuff. Problem is that it really affected HER, and I was really fine w/ it. Or so I thought. <p>It's amazing though, SHE IS SOO DONE! Everytime we talk on the phone, she is COLD! Like she is supressing a cough or such. I urge her to let it out, but she insists that she wouldnt be able to finish training for her job if she did. Go figure. <p>Well, I can only go forward and hope that she is able to search deep inside of her own soul as I have w/ mine. <p>Jon

Jon,
Post your initial entry here on a board called EMOTIONAL NEEDS. There are some really great folks that are on that board,...here too, don't get me wrong but your marriage still has a chance...and on the Emotional Needs board..you will get even more info..<p>Please do..you are not alone. Your marriage does not have to be over with and don't QUIT okay...Never give up!! Look on the board for GSN, LUCKlec, SEEKINGJOY2 and KAM6318. They can help you...as well as others but they are super super good folks. Don't do anything hasty..take your time...and read read read...Don't lose hope...never lose hope...

Hey Jon,

I'm no pro at this but we're close in age (I think) And I've been on this ride a bit longer than you and all I can say is give it time and focus on you.
Read up on plan A. Try to take as much of what works and apply it. But give it time. If she is having and A keep in mind the statics found here and elsewhere... They eventually die a natural death after about 6 months from the day of discovery (D-DAY). A's that last (about 5%) and result in marriage end up divorcing 75% of the time. But mostly I keep in mind that by giving time and working on yourself the A dies a natural death. i also think if I was the one having the A I would hope my H would wait it out and do all I have done to help us. "You can not quit me so quickly..." (Dave Matthews- Space Between)<p> Read all you can here. Post often to get your feelings and questions out and know that there are many, many fantastically strong people here who have faith in their marriage-And are willing to wait it out and work on it. This experience will make you stronger and it will make you a better person if you follow the steps and hang in there!
Do not make any major decisions when your life is so crazily upside down.<p> It helps if you listen to music really really loud too! I took up kickboxing and running to burn off the extra landslide of emotions. I work out 7 days a week 2-3 hours a day. It really helps keep my mind straight not to mention what has happened to my bod.
Take your time- it's on our side. And remember knowledge is power. Take advantage of this site. It will help you understand yourself as well as what your wife is going through. We're here for ya!
Forgiver

So I moved out yesterday. She doesnt get home for another 5 days (on friday). I have finals this week, really bad timing. I figured I would just get out of there so I could concentrate on ME. I'm about 5 miles away renting a room from an acquaintance. Bed's too short though, had to sleep diagonal. THIS SUCKS! I really cant believe it has come to this, and it happend OVER THE DAMN PHONE! <p>Yesterday I was strong. I was ready to do this! This morning it's much harder. I guess mornings are ALWAYS harder though.<p>I'm planning on helping/saving our marriage by just getting on w/ my life. I've pushed and prodded the last 2 weeks, but I think she just got annoyed.<p>She comes back on friday. Her sister and mother are coming to help her file, etc. I've spoken often w/ her mother, and she's been devistated by this. I know i have her full support in my desire to seek counseling, but she said she will support her daughter if it's her decision. I really wish they werent coming so she could feel what it's like to be alone! DAMN HER! <p>What should I do other than sign papers, be cordial, and move on w/ my life? Send flowers? A Note?<p>Thanx for all the advice,<p>Jon

Dear Jon,<p>What you have posted could be my son one year ago.
Same surprise D filing. Same soulful letter he wrote. Same W leaving town on business several times. Same awful feelings you have now. I wanted you to know that filing for D does not mean that the D will go through. One year later S and DIL's D is on hold, and they are trying to reconcile.<p>Don't give up. You have to be the anchor for your family while your W is in such a state of confusion. Learn by reading what is going on in your W's mind. It will help you forsee what is likely to come next. Here a link to a MB article that might help.<p>Why Women Leave Men<p>I don't want to upset you more than you are, but my S found out 2 months after the D filing that DIL was indeed involved with someone else. The D filing took place one month after the affair began, and DIL became withdrawn (monotone voice, etc). I would suggest that you plan ahead of time how you will interact with W when she comes home. Read about love busters and try to avoid them. I know it is really frustrating to be patient. Your M is not over by a long shot. You need to keep your eyes open, look for signs of an A (even an EA). Even then, it does not mean that your M is over. Settle in for the long haul because it is likely to take a year or more for this situation to be resolved. Sorry.<p>I'm sorry for this horrendous distraction at finals time. I know that my S was beside himself at this stage of discovery. Moving out is probably a wise choice (no children) to allow you to prepare for the exams away from the distractions of home.<p>Take care,
Estes<p>One more thing, Jon. Don't rush to do anything, especially sign D papers. Stall any way you can until you have educated yourself about what might be motivating your W, and until you have discussed your position with a good attorney. Give her some time to think. Let her do all the work if she thinks she wants to end the M. Let her take full responsibility for seeking D. Don't be hateful, but don't make it easy for her to leave the M. Good luck.<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>