A while back a bought a plane ticket for my wife to go see her brother and sister inlaw in another state back in mid Feb. This past friday i just uncovered everything, she screwed her brothers friend, im planning for a divorce but she is begging me not to. theres been to many lies and the thought of this sickens me. Her brother and sister inlaw also new about it and didnt see anything wrong with it, the guy is her brothers friend. I'm 27 and my wife is 29, have been married for almost 3 yrs. I already told my family, so if wanted to try to trust her again, it will be real uncomfortable around my family.

dps, <p>I empathise with you - I know exactly how it feels - I have been thru this - just dont take any action in your anger - you already told your family about it - this may not have been necessary - others' sense of right and wrong does not dictate your life. <p>We all make mistakes. You need to decide if you want to build a life with her or call it quits. Your "fight or flee reaction" is telling you to flee, give yourself time to think. <p>Read lot of books on MB. Just by fleeing will not solve your problem. What is the guarantee that your next wife will be a saint and never do the same ? Something in you could have caused her to do what she did. If thats' the case, it can happen again. At least find that out. <p>When something goes wrong, its an opportunity to learn and grow. Don't waste it.

I'm sorry for your pain. I know how unbearable it can be. But please don't do anything too hasty. I was tempted to when my H had an affair with my (former) best friend. Including IN MY HOUSE, IN MY BED which almost destroyed me. They both lied about it, I just found out 8 mos ago, 6 years later. And believe me, it hurts just as much as if it were 'brand new.'<p>We were separated back then for 9 mos. You should consider this. It did save our marriage. It gave us both time to work on ourselves, and see where our weaknesses were, and what we wanted. We would not be together if we hadn't done this, as I couldn't stand the pain and tension. <p>Please get yourself into counseling. Your wife should go too, to find out what she's missing in herself that made her look to another for acceptance.<p>I know how hurt you are. Believe me, nothing is worse. But don't rush into divorce. Too many of my friends regret it. A divorce takes on a life of its own and gets out of hand very quickly. You know what they say "Marriage is for love, divorce is for lawyers."<p>As for telling the family, don't worry about it. I worried about that too but it all worked out. You need to find support wherever you can. I joined a support group back then (when I thought it was EA only) and those people are still my best friends.<p>I do wonder if this is the first time she's done this? If she's like my H, she'll be defensive and say she's justified, that she's not happy, doesn't love you, etc. Don't take it too seriously. When they are in the 'fog,' they say a lot of very stupid, hurtful things. My H can't believe what he said to me, can't even remember it now.<p>Good luck. Oh, the book Torn Asunder and the article Shattered Vows at findarticles.com were both extremely helpful for me.<p>Keep in touch and know that lots of people can relate to what you're going through

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by dps:
<strong>A while back a bought a plane ticket for my wife to go see her brother and sister inlaw in another state back in mid Feb. This past friday i just uncovered everything, she screwed her brothers friend, im planning for a divorce but she is begging me not to. theres been to many lies and the thought of this sickens me. Her brother and sister inlaw also new about it and didnt see anything wrong with it, the guy is her brothers friend. I'm 27 and my wife is 29, have been married for almost 3 yrs. I already told my family, so if wanted to try to trust her again, it will be real uncomfortable around my family.</strong><hr></blockquote>
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if i decide to work on this, what in the world do i do about her brother and sister inlaw, i never want to hear from them or see them again is that feasible? Then her parents are going to wonder whats going on.<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: dps ]</p>

I have a couple of questions. First, how did you find out? Second why did your wife do this to you?
Did she expect you to find out? Third, why is she begging you not to divorce? Does she wish to stay married for financial and security reasons or other motives. Why was she willing to put your health and marriage at risk? Finally is she truly remorseful and willing to rebuild your marriage and trust in her. Ask her how she would have felt if the roles were reversed. You have been married only 3 years. Were you aware of major problems in your marriage? Did she discuss them with you in the past? Does your wife have a previous pattern of this type of behavior? Finally what are the reasons that you and she wish to stay together after this horrible betrayal? I wish you luck.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong>I have a couple of questions. First, how did you find out? Second why did your wife do this to you?
Did she expect you to find out? Third, why is she begging you not to divorce? Does she wish to stay married for financial and security reasons or other motives. Why was she willing to put your health and marriage at risk? Finally is she truly remorseful and willing to rebuild your marriage and trust in her. Ask her how she would have felt if the roles were reversed. You have been married only 3 years. Were you aware of major problems in your marriage? Did she discuss them with you in the past? Does your wife have a previous pattern of this type of behavior? Finally what are the reasons that you and she wish to stay together after this horrible betrayal? I wish you luck.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>well she went to her brothers and after that she was real detached. The marriage has been rocky but only because she lies all the time. she is in constant contact with other guys all the time. So she puts herself in these temping situations. I ended up finding out by opening her email and finding lots of love notes. With plans to leave me.Her reason is that he said the right things, and she still hasnt ended contact with him, she's keeping him in reserve incase i do divorce her, so this makes it even harder to resolve things.She not only cheated on me she fell in love with this guy. She is so dishonest.

By reading your last message you probably should see a lawyer and move on. You stated that your marriage was rocky because she always lied to you and constantly was in contact with other men. She still has not broken off contact with the OM.
My guess is that this may not have been her only affair. Step back and ask yourself why you would wish to be with a person who lies to you all the time and is in constant contact with other men?
Clearly she is not very remorseful since she refuses to disconnect with this OM keeping him in reserve. Clearly she has not made any attempt to regain your trust through these actions. The fact that she has done all this in only being married to you for 3 years says it all. I would suspect she will continue to do this in the future. You need to move on and find someone who does not lie and cheat on you. Reread your last message and ask yourself how you would have responded if it was written by someone else. The answer seems pretty obvious. Good Luck