I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been there and I know how awful it is. Especially since you've been married for so long. First of all DO NOT blame yourself by thinking you did something wrong. I did that to myself when in fact, my H and my former best friend made a very BAD decision to have an affair. They are 100% responsible for that action, not me and you're not either. Sure, there are things we can work on in our marriages (everybody can), but there is NO justification for an affair, period.<p>Please do a lot of reading here, and anywhere you can. I really urge you to get into counseling right away. Even if he won't go, it WILL help you. My H and I were separated for 9 mos due to his affair (which they both lied about so I thought was an EA until last summer, 6 years later). We both went to counseling and eventually got back together. It was VERY hard but worth it. <p>Your H sounds like he is in the 'fog.' It took my H about a year from the first feelings for her until he was 'over' it. And yes, it was very painful. Especially since she was my friend (or thought she was). He almost lost his business, she was his partner's wife and an EMPLOYEE which means she could have sued him for harassment. What a nightmare. <p>My counselor told me that trying to reason with him was like talking to someone under anesthetic. It can't be done if they're not ready. And waiting was AWFUL. <p>The counselor did convince him that he could NOT work with her anymore and could NOT see her at all. That is the only way that he could get past this and come back to our marriage. I thank God everyday that he found her another job and stopped seeing her. I was very lucky.<p>The fact that your H has close work contacts with her will make this much harder. I hope there is a way for that to be resolved. 33 years is way too long to throw away. <p>Don't despair if he says hurtful things like he has a right to be happy, never loved you, etc. They almost all say that as they try to appease their guilt. My H can't believe he ever said the things he did, and can't remember saying them. Unfortunately I remember everything, all the comparisons, him saying he married me because he felt sorry for me, etc. Those are hard things to forget.<p>For me, the book Torn Asunder really helped. It also helped him to see that I HAD to express my feelings and he HAD to feel my pain in order to not do this again. Please don't sweep it under the rug, believe me it comes back MUCH worse the second time. Because I was lied to for 6 years, I've had to deal with this twice. Once when it was supposedly EA only, and now that I know the truth. I feel like those 6 years of our marriage were one lie after another. The worst for me was finding out she was IN MY BED, that almost destroyed me. To think I slept there all those years without knowing makes me sick. I've since redone our upstairs, switched bedrooms around and bought new furniture. Sleeping in my old sewing room is a constant reminder of what happened.<p>Please take care of yourself. I know how hard it is when your world falls apart. Know that there are wonderful people here willing to listen to care. I hope you find a counselor who can help you also. I also liked the article Shattered Vows at findarticles.com and found it very helpful.<p>Good luck and keep us posted
