I am still not sure if my wife is talking with the OM or as she claims "friend". W told me that she did tell OM that I did not like what was going on. OM apologized (W claims) for causing any problems. But I am very unsure if she is still talking with him. I actually think they still are talking through email. Hate that gut feeling. W does not like to talk about this subject anymore. Would like to put it past us. <p>I would hate to go the route of tracking W's emails. <p>Any suggestions or help would be welcome.

Do you know OM? have you talked to him? Your wife should be able to invite her friends to dinner with you.
Dont rely on what your W says OM says.

If your Ws friend is really 'just a friend', I agree with SP - you should be able to meet together and not feel uncomfortable. My H is having an EA with "just a friend". I posted here a few weeks ago and now my thread is on Gen Q II. Right now I'm in a quiet period - trying to plan A for myself, waiting for him to make the move into M counselling. My H kept in touch with his "F" by e-mail - after seeing the first e-mails between them, I felt I had no choice but to 'spy' on him - feeling that awful compulsion to snoop is something a lot of other people talk about here. A lot of people end up putting surveillance software on their computers - I have considered it b/c the risk is that he will find out that I have snooped, and the fallout will be great (poss violence). For the last 2 weeks, I haven't - partly b/c I feel its useless - he's got to want to work it out with me and make an effort - we can talk about it in MC, if we ever get there. Also, I know his "F" is going back to her own country in May to live with her BF. I seriously doubt she will continue the kind of e-mail R she has had with my H once she is at home with her B. (Is this wishful thinking?). Basically, I'm waiting for that window of opportunity - it's after that that my life might get messy - b/c I'm going to have to make it clear to him that it's either me or them (the EAs) - he can't have both.<p>Things have got so tense between us that I feel its best to let things calm down for awhile.<p>But I also can sense when my H is being evasive - this always makes my head go round and round with "what is he REALLY up to?" If snooping makes you feel better, do it. But be prepared to be hurt by what you find. I found I handled it better if I made a rule - whatever I see, I promise to myself I will not act on it - I will let myself calm down and I will not just rush to confront him - that's a sure way to end up in a destructive argument that has the potential to rebound on to me.<p>In the end, having spied as much as I felt like, and keeping it to myself, I printed out everything I found and gave it to a lawyer. There they sit, waiting in case I ever need to see my lawyer again. That has made me feel better. I don't have to look at them, and I have decided for the time being that I have enough proof of "unreasonable behaviour" - I don't have to look anymore. My H doesn't know this and I am hoping I never have to tell him - I am hoping we can heal our R in therapy. But that's something I had to do and don't feel sorry about. He went behind my back and lied to me. I have a right to protect myself and my children. He is the one who violated the trust in our M to begin with.<p>Right now, I choose to do the things that make me strong and happy - looking at his e-mails doesn't help me in that way. But I needed to know what was happening when I first found out. I have to say, I nolonger have any trust in him - that's all still a complete mess which I still have to deal with, so watch this space.<p>Does any of this help? You shouldn't feel guilty - she's the one who has been disloyal and underhanded. You have a right to know - if you give her the chance to tell you and she lies to you, you have to choose what you can do next. It's your choice. <p>Sorry all this is happening to you. If she really has nothing to hide, she should open up her e-mail account to you - give you the password and let you have her cellphone, as well.
That would be the least she could do, IMHO.<p>Take care - will say some prayers for you.
Odile

Hi all,<p>
Thanks for writing to me. I knew that my W was not telling me the truth about everything. After a little more snooping, I found calling cards in her wallet and OM's phone numbers.<p>I decided to take matters into my own hands. I called him and said lets talk. I think he S&#@ his pants! Had a very long talk with him and I can honestly say that he was the one who sucked my W into this email relationship. I knew from the beggining and so did W, that he really liked her. He pretty much came out and said that in his emails. What W said I am not sure. She did say at first that she just wanted to be friends and that it did start to change after sometime. She has admitted that things were out of hand. That was good hearing her admit that. The funny thing during my talk with OM was that he turned it around and said that my W was the one who always called him and inititated the emails. He was more the innocent one in all this. Pretty wierd to hear that from him. I know for a fact that it was him who really wanted soemthing more from the relationship. I read his emails, from when he first made contact with my W. He always came short of basically saying jump in bed with me. Of course he tells me on the phone that he would never have a relationship with a married women. He has higher morals than that. What a crock of ....! So after listening to him and from what my W has told me. I can finally say to myself that this was more than a friendship and it could of blossomed into something more, if I did not do what I did. Meaning finding the calling cards, hacking into her email,and caling him. Is it over? Yes! Why am I so sure? Because W and I had a long talk yesterday and today. She came forth with things and apologized for putting me through this. Admitted that she become emotionally involved with him through email and will no longer talk with him. Actually, she flipped out on him on the phone and he hung up on her and said he will not call or email anyone anymore. Om wanted to forward her emails to me, because he thought she showed him his emails. I think he felt betrayed by her and then made her out to be the bad person in this mess. If he emails me, then so be it. W and I already talked about this. We plan to start with a clean slate and forget about all this.<p>My suggestion to all. If you want to save your marriage and fight for your spouse, then do it. Do not dwell over it or wait for W or H to come forward. Go after it and get results. I did and it worked for me. It was tough yesterday and I thought for a moment things were not going to work out for us. Our marriage has always been strong and this has proved it. <p>Yea!<p>New start to a new begining. <p>Me

Just to say - I'm so glad to hear you took the bull by the horns and nipped this in the bud. Your W sounds like she knows she was getting lost in the fog, and is honest enough to admit it and pull out. Talking to the OM was brave of you, too. Not everyone can talk to the OP and keep their cool. His reaction to her on the phone probably told her a lot more about him than she ever knew before - showed her his true colours - made her see you in the right light. Hope for both of you that things continue well.<p>I didn't wait, either. I also confronted my H, and I e-mailed the OW demanding an explanation for the e-mails SHE was sending him, signed with her whole list of pet names. She wrote back to me, telling me they were just friends, that she had a boyfriend, even offering to babysit my children! She even admitted that if she had found these e-mails on her BF's computer, she would have been upset. But not everyone has the same level of integrity as your wife. My H has not reacted with any remorse - he has simply gone 'underground', and continued e-mailing and meeting her - even after I 'blew her cover' - she continued e-mailing him and they got even closer - probably b/c I DID confront him - my H is someone who appears to have serious trouble taking responsiblity for anything, and has chosen to blame me - even saying its my fault he has to have secrets b/c of the kind of person I am.<p>Why am I with this person? B/c he wasn't always this way - once upon a time I had a H who loved me - yes, he was always difficult - he's a v creative individual - but he DID love me and was faithful and had integrity. MID-LIFE CRISIS! Suddenly he wakes up and all the young women look SOOO good and they fall all over him b/c he's so masterful and soo talented! What guy could resist? So he justifies himself by saying "It's just being friends" - its NOT just being friends - its lying, and its secret, and like a tap stuck into the tree of our M, it drains all the sap off, so the tree is sick and dying, b/c none of the sap is feeding the roots anymore.<p>I'm waiting b/c I've taken the attitude that my M is worth saving, and I'm willing to give it time - I may not get instant results, but we didn't get here overnight and it's going to take a long haul to get out. I have seen some signs of willingness to deal with our problems, despite the bad encounters, which is the only reason why I'm still here.<p>Soo glad things are going well for you.
Odile

Hi Odile,<p>Thanks for hearing/reading my problem. I hope things work out for yourself as well.<p>It can be a long and difficult road. Hang in there!<p>M - 9 yrs this summer
2 kids - 5 and 3
Known each other for 16 years