My story begins like most others and ends like most others, yet it is a new experience with me. My H and I have been married for 10 yrs, we just had our 3rd child 12/30. 3 weeks later he dumped a bomb on me that he wasnt happy and that he no longer had feelings for me. So a week later I asked him to move out if that was his intentions. Our marriage had been rocky for years but he just kept on going for the sake of the kids. Immediately after he began a relationship with a co-worker that was goin thru the same thing. She left her husband a week before he left me. They shared all the same hurts and the friendship led VERY quickly to an emotional one and then to sexual. Said it "just happened" that it wasnt planned. But that he didnt have those feelings for her when he was still home, just random thoughts. To make a long story short, alot of anger and hurt feelings were voiced for 6 weeks after he moved out. The OW started feeling guilty that he didnt try to work things out with me and give me a chance for counseling. In all evidence, she pushed him back to me to "try it again". Its been extremely open and honest from the point of realizing we've never done it before in all of our 10 yrs. It feels so good to be with him again, but the nagging part of me, still fears the OW. They continue to work together and they were very much in love but it "wasn't meant to be". They still continue to email each other trying to work thru their ending. They each say that they have to in order to move forward with both of thier lives. He now says that he loves me and that he wants to spend his life with me and the children. We have both changed alot thru this "experience" and for the better. We have started going to counseling and have our 2nd visit next week. I came across this website and thought that maybe some input from those who have "been there" might give me some positive insight.

I would be very nervous if he is emailing her and sees her at work. NO contact means just that, NONE at all. They are leaving an open door. My H's lover (my former best friend) told him they could be together "In another time, another place." 6 years later that phrase still strikes terror in me.<p>We were separated for 9 mos, went thru lots of counseling, did lots of reading, etc. It's been very hard but well worth it. It's still very hard and somedays are emotional rollercoasters. <p>The book Torn Asunder is a great book, as is the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com<p>I wish you luck and hope you can get through this. sounds like you have a good start.

Thanks for replying Maggierose.. I'm terrified of it and have voiced my fears to him and they are ADAMENT that it is OVER and that she will not stand in our way. She wants to move on with her life without my H. But they both say that ignoring each other will not bring closure for them. And neither are willing to leave their jobs no matter how much I wish it.. They wish to still remain friends and that scares me as well. We're taking this day by day and praying that we will learn from our mistakes and not EVER venture there again. And thats all I have to hope for. He's been extremely honest with me and tells me when he talks to her and what their about. So that gives me hope but doesnt take that sick feeling out of my stomach..

I would definitely be 'nervous' about the friend thing. I don't think it's natural to go back to that level of relationship afterward. Just my opinion. Good luck!

Hi...just wanted to reply about the contact issue. In a nutshell...my fiance cheated twice with a co-worker. She quit...and then a couple of weeks later she came back. I trust that he wants to work things out...but I am adamant that she be gone...out of our lives!! It seems she may have come back for a few weeks, just to give notice (since she had quit without giving notice, and could not get a reference for a new job). Right now I am hoping this is the case. If she stays at this job...I am going to freak. I keep pretty good tabs on him, and their contact is limited to hallway greetings (they work overlapping shifts) but I want NO REMINDERS at all! I don't know what I will do...I suggested quitting, or transferring to another department. Still hoping she does quit after all...
But I do believe all contact has to be cut off...
Good luck...the people here are great and can lend some support...

I am a cheating husband...or rather I was a cheating husband. We were caught a month or so ago. It is over and I want to get better. Both me and my marriage. I work in the same office (big company) as the OW. She has not left nor have I. It is very difficult seeing her in the hallway and resisting the temptation to speak with her about how she is coping. I must resist this! It was that type of talking that got us involved in the first place. Keep close tabs on your husband. He should cut off all contact with her. No emails! No phone calls! No lunch! If it can be kept to seeing each other passing in the hall you have a chance. It would be best if one would leave. As for me, I beleive I am strong enough to stay away. Once you can trust him somewhat, support him in his mission to be better and stronger. We are not all evil with intent to destroy our wives. I love my wife so much. I wish you well!

Hi Hurting, StrayCat and Howbre,<p>So many people in similar positions. I posted a reply to someone on the Emotional Needs forum, in a similar position to you:<p>Hurting, my wife and I are a couple of months ahead of you: D-day (discovery day) was December 3. No-contact is the rule for recovery, nothing less. Wife's OM was a close friend that we did lots of recreation with. The affair went on for about 2-1/2 years. No-contact letter went out by wife the next day. All of the joint activities, and anything that might result in contact with OM , has been abandoned. I've been counseling with Jennifer Harley Chalmers for longer than I want to admit, but she says no-contact is a must for at least two years. Wife tried to break it off and stay friends, but didn't work. After D-day, she even asked me to make her accountable for all of her time. OP is an addiction. Treat it as such. Cold turkey.<p>I think Harley would tell you that your husband needs to find another job. There is no such thing as recovery while casual contact continues.<p>My advice: sign up for some counseling with Steve Harley. (Wife and I did 5-8 months of conventional counseling, and there is a huge difference between conventional conflict resolution counselors, and MB counseling.) Order Surviving an Affair from the bookstore on this site. Read it, then again. It will have lots of answers for you AND your husband. And start looking through the paper for another job for him. Seriously!<p>I have a thread here on JFO that might give you some idea of what lies ahead. It's a bit long (try 74 pages!). Recovery is possible though. Consider this your wake up call, and chance to build something better. I truly think that is the direction wife and I are headed. Good luck to you.<p>P

H_I_M,
Hi, let me give you a different take on this.
My H was in same situation. He tried to be her friend and my friend. He worried he had ruined her life. He worried what she would tell others. He had meetings with her to talk about how it was over, he called her to check on how she was doing.......blahblahblah
At some point he realized, every time he talked to her nicely or with care, it hurt me and it hurt our marriage. He HAD to hurt one of us! He finally couldnt walk the tightrope and stopped trying to "help" her through this.
Imagine his surprise when after he stopped worrying about HER feelings, she started having an affair with another married man at work!She wasnt as distraught as he had imagined.He wasnt as special as he thought.
Anyway. off that tangent and to the point. Your husband cannot help her without hurting you. Even if you dont know he is saying nice things to her he will show it in action. He will not be able to move on with you if this is in the back of his mind.
Have you read Torn Assunder? I really helped my H to know he was one of many who had gone through this. It helped to know about "withdrawal" and how long it should last if there is NO contact. He will feel crummy, but knowing it will go away helps.
It will be hard for you to be supportive while he is pining for someone else, Its SO unfair. He must stop friendly contact with her or he will feel bad indefinitly.
Reassure him that the love can return in your marriage, it can be better than before, you will help him get through this.
YOu are not alone.

The WD does feel crummy. As I said we work in the same office. We have had 2 10 minute conversations each of the last Fridays. Yesterday we did not since she has been away all this past week and I think she is out this next week (she told me that over a week ago) I will be gone most of April and the more you are apart the easier it becomes. Be firm in your resolve to end it. Time will help...