D-Day was 1 month ago, devastated as most are, never saw this coming in 1000000 years, nothing new there based on what I have read on this site. Have contemplated suicide, but anti-dep. and talking to her seems to help, will start with counseling this week.
She is very depressed as she claims she loves OM, he loves her, but he is married with 2 kids, knows is can't work. They work together at local hospital. We are trying to work this out, as time goes on the emotional level decreases and we can have rational conversations. She does not want to leave me, but she is definately confused and a wreck as I am. She keeps saying she needs some time and space.
She would not reveal the identity of OM, however I recently determined who OM is by usual detective work on phone bills, and found letter.
2 Questions:
1. Should I confront him now while she is out of the country on business? Should I confront him at all, or leave it to a non-contact letter. I am concerned about my self-control, any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
I am leaning towards confrontation/conversation to end it once and for all.
2. How can I convince her that a job change is necessary?

Dear wasbart:<p>"Have contemplated suicide, but anti-dep. and talking to her seems to help, will start with counseling this week."<p>That is the pain talking. Being alive and in pain is better than being dead and feeling nothing. It DOES pass, and when it does, you will be horrified that you ever thought of ending your life.<p>
"She is very depressed as she claims she loves OM, he loves her, but he is married with 2 kids, knows is can't work."<p>Translation: She doesn't want to give up you OR her lover. Also known as "Having cake and eating it too."<p>"They work together at local hospital."<p>Working together is a good way to develop enough intimacy for an affair. That's how my H started his EA.<p>" We are trying to work this out, as time goes on the emotional level decreases and we can have rational conversations. She does not want to leave me, but she is definately confused and a wreck as I am. She keeps saying she needs some time and space."<p>Time and space means "leave me alone, let me hang onto my emotional addiction, maybe the OM WILL leave his family for me, be patient so that I can have both of you and not pay the price."<p>You will get different opinions about confrontation/conversation. One very wise MB'er, who guided many of us, (Jim/NSR) told me that to contact the OW would only add fuel to my H's interest in her because he would see me as the bad guy.<p>I wasn't able to even contemplate meeting with her for fear I would fly into a rage and throw her out a window or off a roof. Lately I've become calmer and I think I could keep it low-key. It's been 3-1/2 years since D-day and I'm on Zoloft now.<p>You can't convince your W of anything. She knows what she has to do and will drag her feet as long as possible.<p>Have you read Plan A? Do you think you could restore things by doing loving actions, day after day for months without a reward?<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

Belle,
Thanks for your response, I really appreciate the feedback. Implementing Plan A is my current course of action, I don't know if I can do months and months of loving acts with little or no reward. This will really test my patience, but I am going to try. I still wonder about calling & talking to OM, could it help to get him out of the picture? Threaten to talk to his wife, is that a viable approach?

I have longed for the opportunity to talk to OM, and also been scared at the possibility. I would have confronted him in a NY minute except for the possibility of causing him serious bodily harm - this is the ONLY reason I would suggest NOT talking to him.<p>Here's the thing from my perspective (BTW I am BS WW had E and PA for three months during a business trip and has continued to "keep the door open" with phone calls and meetings with OM)<p>I think I could have stopped the phone calls and the meetings by confronting OM. It's only in fearing for his safety and my freedom that I have had to swallow the urge.<p>Thing is, WW and OM need a dose of reality to be thrust into the fantasy. I agree with Bellevue that she is a cake eater. I say take the cake away for a minute and put some broccoli down - show her what is good for her doesn't neccessarily have to taste good. <p>If you can talk to him without resorting to violence than DO IT. Let him know you are aware of it, that you plan to tell his wife, and that he should STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE. That may not be MB principle but from my point of view it is common sense.<p>Also - did I read that you are not living at home now? You shouldn't have left. It is her that needs space and time she should have been the one to leave. You are innocent in this my man and should not have to suffer MORE for HER betrayal. Check on moving in and having her leave. This is one more thing that will throw reality in the face of her fantasy world. It seems to me like many of us facilitate and enable A's by letting it go on without any hint of reprecussions. Show her what life would be like without you. Give her a few insecure feelings.<p>If you think it is not right telling OMW then imagine still not knowing yourself? Imagine the deceit continuing and the added suffering you would face by the prolonged betrayal.<p>My SOP is to make the A as difficult as you can without LB'ing of course. Just taking the precautions that common sense tells you should deflate their "love" alot, showing them that there are real people being hurt horribly by their selfishness. Your love and support on the other end is what will bring her back - if it is meant to be. <p>I would also suggest councelling for you and if possible her. <p>The pain you have now will get worse before better my friend - be prepared. But if you start to improve youself now, work out, eat right, indulge in a hobby - any future problem with WW or OM will be dealt with in a way more productive manner. Love yourself now, take care of YOU.<p>Just MHO<p>stay strong and keep your chin up brother, we all have pain - <p>harley

Wasbert..
Alot of what you want to do..as far as calling his wife..confronting him..that is all fresh anger and pain talking..Please take a few steps back and think this out..This will not do you any good to act on those idea's..you will look like the bad one, desperate one, and how will your W feel about that?? It won't help a thing but it will degrade you and make you feel like crude..Please rethink this plan you have...take a breather and calm down a little..you are in massive pain and that can make us do dumb stuff...It won't help a thing to do that stuff..You may feel better for a few minutes but will have to live with the concequences...come here for support..vent, scream and cry here..we are here to help..we are all working stuff out.<p>Take care and let us know how you are doing

TBABY,<p>I have to disagree with you in principle here, even though you r right decisions should not be made out of anger. I am not sure this is just anger talking. Telling OMW is doing the poor woman (OMW) a service, and taking steps to protect Walbarts feelings after having been betrayed repeatedly is not neccessarily anger. Granted there is pain involved but the spotlight on this fantasy has to be shone for either party to see reality.<p>So far as I read - it seems like Wasbart has been the consumate man in holding on to hope. But hope without an action is a pipe dream. Both OM and WW need to be reminded that they are hurting people. <p>There are always ways to inform the OMW anonymously, one suggestion I read on erlier pst was to send them a copy of SAA with a note saying "this book was written for you".<p>As for confronting OM, OM should be made very aware that Wasbart will not take the crap laying down, that he will fight for his W's love. Most men whom are OM are cowards to the core and this may be enough jolt to bring the A to it's natural end. Showing WW how cowardly OM may be upon threat of being exposed or upon looking into a hurt man's eyes - this can shake the foundation - and what is wrong with that? I say nothing.<p>No one should lay down and take this beating - if there are ways to combat this than he should use them. He has means at his disposal when most of us do not. He should utilize them - he will feel better about himself knowing he stood up and protected himself.<p>Furthermore, I would feel good knowing I let OMW in on something that is secretly destroying her - because I would provide her with truth that she has missed and given her ammunition to fight for her marriage - fueling the end of A even more. At the least he will have given her the ability to make her own decisions about her man. Allowing someone to remain in the dark about something like this is akin to being complicite in the A itself. My conscience wouldn't be right if I had that secret and didn't share it with an innocent person being victimized without even knowing it - escpecially knowng the pain first hand.<p>Walbart, read other threads, I had a dillemna once too about informing my good freind about his W's affair when I discovered it by accident. Everyone said I should tell him. I did. I feel better for it and he respects me more for not keeping it from him.

Wasbart,
I would not tell the omw simply because it is something that you and your wife need to work on together, on the other hand, I completely understand your pov, I would want to do what I could to make things difficult for the other man.
I guess that you should follow your gut instinct on this one. It could make your w angry at you, thus driving her right to the om. On the other hand, it could also make the om have to work on his own m with his w, and the whole excitement of having a secret A would be over. I feel for the omw for the pain that she is in for, she probably already knows that something is wrong-many of us bs's feel that in our hearts and just aren't ready to face it-I probably never would have faced it had I not been told-I even would have tried to justify all of the harrassing phone calls from the ow if I could have ran away from the impending heartache. Fortunately, it has turned out well for me. I hope that it turns out well for you also, my heart goes out to you.
mt
bs
h-ws
m18 y
2c

I would just like to share what helped us. Our situation is of course different but I will still explain. Right after D-D Jan.01 my H told OW that the A was over. She could either tell her H herself or we would tell him. We knew that we wanted to make our marriage work again and this is what helped us. OW did tell her H herself. OWH and I talked a few times and I think they too, started working on their marriage. We haven't had any contact since but I'm sure due to the fact that OWH was informed it gave them a chance to work things out. It was important for him to know what happened. But it was also very important that my H and I had the same opinion about OWH knowing. I felt more comfortable knowing that OWH knew it. I was able to concentrate on our recovery and not worry so much what OW might be up too. This was what we did and our marriage has became so special.
hugs
bb

wasbart, <p>It's been a while since I've posted but it does help you to cope with the pain that you are going through right now. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the stories are. I did confront OM when I first found out about my WW affair I contacted him and told him to stay the hell away from my wife or there would be consequences. Well the affair continued and became even more covert. I knew inside that she must still be seeing him by the way she was acting (personally, my gut insticts have never failed me). I decided to find out once and for all if it was in fact still ongoing and it was. For four months my W lied to me about this affair while we were going to MC'ing and making no progress (obviously). She put me through hell...plain and simple.<p>Through that time period I was plan A'ing like crazy...always afraid of LB'ing or saying the wrong thing. When I recorded a telephone conversation that she had with the OM I lost it. We had been working on recovery for almost 5 months (I thought) and all I was doing was giving her enough space to continue the affair. At that point I had had it. I told her what I had learned and that I wanted out! She begged and pleaded and told me she doesn't want our marriage to end..her whole personality changed because she had been thrust into reality.<p>The following day I contacted the OM wife and layed it on the line. I was a bit nervous but had no regrets calling her. I found out that OM had done this to his wife before and that that affair lasted 2 years! The next day the [censored] called me to apologize (can you imagine?) I had yet another conversation with him and let him know that whatever the outcome of my marriage was...I would see to it that his life was living hell if he ever contacted my wife again. This conversation made me incredibly angry and I wanted nothing more than to beat the living [censored] out of this guy, but that isn't the answer.<p>Since then my W and I have made some progress, but it takes time. I would highly recommend you seek counseling for the both of you if you havn't already done so as I personally don't think my W and I have the skills to rebuild this alone.<p>Keep trying until you feel you can no longer muster another oz. of energy....then try harder.<p>ww4l<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>

FWIW, I counseled with Steve Harley and another local IC/MC, and they both advised me to confront the OM.<p>CAUTION: They both knew my situation well and understood that it was probably the "best thing" for me to do. Your situation may be different!<p>For me, WW had gone to great lengths to create a second life with OM. My confronting him definitely DESTROYED her fantasy world, at least on the surface. At the same time, it DID make me seem less attractive, probably pushed her and OM closer, despite the inevitable changes in their R. It was worth it - at very least FOR ME. I felt like I took back a lot of control into my life, and now, whenever OM sees her face, he's got to see mine, too. Very powerful.<p>The key for me was that my confrontation was very "kind." In a way, I Plan A'ed him. No angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments. I made my points, asked him if he had any questions, made sure he felt sufficiently ackward, patted him on the arm, and left. WW told me later that he didn't sleep a wink that night.<p>Anyway, this incident has definitely pushed some changes in things. It's starting to push WW off the fence. Be warned that "cake eaters" become notoriously good "fence sitters."<p>In the end, consider counseling with a real marriage building focused counselor. They can help you with a PLAN.

Contacting the OM is a tough one. <p>I called the OM the day after D-day and told him to stay the f___ away from my wife. <p>I thought I had really messed up after reading all of the posts on this forum. The general consensus was that if they were in love and I caused the A to end then my WS would always hate me because the A did not end naturally. She would "hate me to the bone" since I had intervened and interfered with here emotional high.<p>Luckily, there was not a strong EA. And to my luck, the A stopped immediately.<p>Coping&Hoping

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Porsche S ]</small>

PorscheS (Neil)<p>just have a question, don't quit understand. What does child abuse have to do with this??
This is a real honest question. I don't understand it. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] How was this helping her to cope with child abuse?
bb

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Porsche S ]</small>