I posted this in some other sections as well...someone suggested I post here as well.<p>OK…well here is where I am now. My wife and I have had a crapy relationship for at least the past year. (We’ve been married 4yrs) I would say the past 4 months have been the worst. In my opinion with both NEVER really tried. I took the entire relationship for granted, and I take full reasonability to the failures that I contributed to.
We started to see a marriage counselor about a little over a month ago. I was on board with seeing someone. We had one session by ourselves, then one together. After the first one as a couple she came to me and said she didn’t know if she was 100% committed to healing our marriage. We agreed that we needed to take a 30 day separation so we could figure all this out and do some soul searching. Well, the day after we talked about this “30 days”, I find out she is having an “emotional” affair with a married man with two children. She came home that evening, and we had a very adult conversation, there was no yelling or screaming. I asked her to pack her things and leave, that there was not room in this house for infidelity. I stated she could take this “30 days” to figure out if she is “committed” to our marriage, and at the end of these 30 days, maybe I still will be. This was on a Tuesday. We didn’t speak again until Sunday. During that break apart I came to realization that I played a very large part in contributing to her affair. Now, NOT the actual part of the affair, but I contributed up to the part where she would even be tempted with something like that. I truly believe that if we would have had a happy home life, and a loving marriage, this would not have happened.
I had one meeting with our counselor after finding out about the affair, and before I spoke again with my wife. The one thing that he said to me that really “stuck” in my head was…”did you mean what you said when you committed to her on your wedding day”. My answer was “Yes”. His response was “Well, what’s the problem?”. I stated, “well, I don’t think she is”. His reply, that really set in was “What does that have to do with you?”. That statement really hit home, and has helped me understand within myself that despite what has happened, I am still 100% committed to our marriage. I have a firm standing that our marriage is worth saving, and that we can get beyond where we are now, and use this as a building block for repairing and building the marriage of our dreams. My wife and I spoke that following Sunday, which will be three weeks this coming Sunday. I shared with her my feeling, that I am standing firm in the fact that our marriage can be rebuilt better and stronger, that I still love her, and I can learn to forgive. I asked little details about the affair, but I do know it was going on for three months, and I know that she had decided to call it off with this guy and focus on her home life even before I found this out. <p>Ok…so now it is has been about 2 weeks since I found this out and since we started our “30 days”. I am doing much better than I was the first few days, and I have come to understand that I will be a better person because of this….if not for her, someone else. I won’t make the same mistakes again! I really feel pretty good about myself. I have turned to the bible for an understanding of our marriage and what it should stand for. The bible has only deepened my feeling on healing our marriage. When my wife and I spoke that Sunday I told her I knew we could heal this and be better because of it. She asked “How I know this”….I replied with one word “faith”.<p>I emailed her yesterday (1st time we have communicated since the Sunday) asking if she would be up for taking care of the dogs while I was out of town this weekend. I also shared with her that I have been looking to the bible for an understanding, and that it has not only increased the faith I have in our marriage but in the Lord as well. I shared with her that I am standing firm on our marriage. I asked her how she was doing and so on.<p>She replied today saying that she is doing OK, and is on an emotional roller coaster. And that what she is going through is not easy. She apologized for how all this came about. And stated that “we both have a lot of Soul Searching to do and that it sounds like I have a good start and that, that was good to hear”. She stated that she wishes she had more to say, but that she not ready for that, and that she is sorry. She thanked me for being patient and understanding. I replied back once again, and told her not to be sorry for how this came about, and that we needed something to knock us off the brutal road we were on. I told her not to be sorry for not saying more, and I understood we both need time. I also said that I clearly understand where she is, and that she shouldn’t feel any pressure from this side…. to just understand that I am here for her at anytime.<p>
So…how does this sound to everyone? I want to save my marriage…I want to heal it. Am I doing the right thing by giving her time and space? I am guessing it is, since it is so hard to do. I really want to talk to her and try and help her and small part of me wants to pack her crap and tell her never to come back. However, I know that nothing I could say could help her. She needs to help herself at this point. I did put a small flower on her car with a small note, telling her that I was thinking of her. I have remained pretty distant…I don’t want to seem overbearing…but at the same time I want her to know that I will continue to stand firm!<p>Any suggestions or encouragement would be great.<p>Thanks!

I think you deserve a lot of credit for being so supportive and committed to your marriage. You feel like I do about your wedding vows. So many friends and family members thought I was 'nuts' to stay when my H had an affair with my former best friend. But I knew that the man who did that was NOT the man I married. It took a 9 mos separation, lots of counseling, reading lots of books, and much prayer for us to get back on track. We both know now that it was definitely worth it. Too often divorce is used as a short term solution to a long term problem.<p>I didn't read it, but our counselor told me about a book called "Rekindled." It's about a marriage that is saved because just one of the partners worked on things. I was never able to find it at the time. I do like Torn Asunder a lot, and also the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com<p>Good luck. Yes, giving her space and time will often help. It also protects you from the constant tension and hurt of seeing her infatuated with another. It was so hard for me because the OW was my friend, neighbor, etc. and someone I was used to seeing everyday. I lost double what many people do during the whole thing because of this. It was and is awful. But don't give up, it's worth it

Wow, I'm impressed. Though human you have shown incredible resiliancy. <p>It is hard but keep up the good work. It is not in vain. <p>L.

dear jeeper- i think you just became hy hero!! keep up all you are doing and be strong in your faith and yourself. you are going to have bumps in the road, but with a faith as strong as the one you seem to have you should do ok. good luck to you and your wife-she is a lucky woman.

Well...thanks for all the support guys. Speaking of those bumps...I just hit a MAJOR one today.<p>I have been out of town with a buddy for about a week. My wife is staying that his house with his wife, for the time being. Well...we get home today and start snooping around on the computers at their house. I find out today that my wife is still seeing the OM and she lied about it only being an EA....it turns out he has been drilling her. My plan was to not confront her until after I spoke with my counselor. I am reading through all of these very painful and detailed emails, trying to figure out what the hell to do….and she shows up. I close all the computer stuff off and head outside to unpack the car. At this point I am really in a state of shock. She walks by and says “hey”….I ignore her and continue on for about 2 steps. I couldn’t take it! There was no way I was going to be able to wait a few days to confront her on this one. I turn around…and follow her back into the room she is staying and close the door. The shouting and yelling match was on! I pretty much called her every name in the book…I told her I WAS 100% committed to our marriage before I found out she was banging the guy, and that I HAD absolute faith we could heal our marriage. I told her I no longer had that same feeling and I wanted her and her crap out of my house. I said several things like this and it went on and on for awhile…maybe an hour or so. After I got all this out (I did feel better…sad to say) we did start to speak like sensible adults. She told me that she hates what she has become, and everything she is and does and that I do deserve someone better. I agreed. <p>She then broke down and balled for the first time since all this came to light, a few weeks ago. She was telling me how what she has been through has been very hard and so on. I told her that I had ZERO sympathy for what she is felling and I would trade her in a second not to be feeling this massive pain in my heart she has created. I told her that just once I would like to be on the other side of an affair…how what tough choices and decisions to make…having to pick between two men. Must be rough. She told me that she has been trying to break it off with the OM and that this Friday was the day that they would no longer communicate. (wah!) <p>She stayed at the house for a few nights while I was out of town…she shared how painful and sleepless those nights were. I told her that yes, I understood how hard it is to stay in the house with all our memories and stuff. I told her she should put herself in my shoes…I have been staying there for the past four weeks ALONE!<p>She shared that when all this first came to light (D-day) she really didn’t see any hope in us getting our marriage back together. Since then she has heard all of my friends and her friends talk about how much I have changed over the past several weeks, and how I have come to realize that I contributed to the failure of our marriage. She said that, that has opened her eyes up some and she is staring to see some hope. I shared with her that I don’t want her coming back just because she thinks I have changed…she can only come back when she is 100% committed to being with me, and taking on some changes herself, and she needs to come to the realization that she also contributed to the death of our marriage. Until she can reach that point, she is not welcome in our home. <p>We talked back and forth for awhile and the communication became better. I shared what I was feeling…that part of me wanted her to pack her crap and get out, and part of me wanted her to come home…both which I know are not the right choices at this time. We did make a decision to get an apartment so she could move out of our friend’s house. She is moving into a three month lease tomorrow. I am helping her move our spare bed. (that’s all she is taking!) Part of me thinks she is moving to an apartment to wait this other guy out and see if he is going to leave his wife and kids…if he does she goes with him. If he stays put…she’ll come back to me, and I will be considered 2nd choice. I shared this with her and told her I will not be 2nd to anyone. She told me that the apartment was not for that reason, and she needed it to be by herself and think. I did find emails where she hinted around to giving the OM a key.<p>The last thing she told me today was that even though today was really bad and we talked about some really bad things…she actually felt better about the situation.<p>At this point I am really confused! I have worked very hard the past 4 weeks to get to the point I was, and it all got blown up today. Now, I have to start all over. Before, I had something to hold on to…something special, she hadn’t actually slept with the OM. Now, today I find out that she had, and that was the one thing I was really holding on to. Now, I can’t help but title her with adultery and betrayal. I can’t get the images of some other man banging her out of my mind. But, at the same time….I still feel heavily committed to our marriage. Part of me wants to take what seems like the easy way and start all over with someone else. There are tons of women out there…tons that would be happy to have a guy like me….tons that would not put a man through pain like this. So tell me…..why do I want to stay committed to my marriage? Is it really worth the long road we are going to have to take? Is it worth all this pain? Could we even get through it? Could it happen again? Couldn’t I be happy or happier with someone who has not done this to me? Heck! I don’t know. This SUCKS!

Jeeper,
It is important that you think through this and decide if you are ready for the long, difficult battle to win back your M. If you are like almost all of us here, you'll think it is worth it.
My W is currently in some stage of her third A! Like your W, she really has some issues to confront in her own life, but I realize that I can't force her to confront them; she needs to do this for herself , or move on... Pushing, arguing, threats only escalate the situation and make her feel pressuresd to she your way.
Follow the advice contained throughout this website. It is imparative that you focus on yourself and not trying to change her. The more you pressure her, the more she will cling to the A and OM. <p>You'll see as her relationship progresses with the OM that it will eventually die the natural death that most do, it is your job to give her the obvious choice to turn to again.<p>It sounds as though you have made some great progress over the past weeks, continue from there.<p>
Take Care!<p>Sweden

Jeepers,<p>I just read the message from Sweeden and how very
sad it is. Why would anyone wish to stay in a marriage where the wife is working on her third affair. How much humiliation, disrespect and putting your health at risk are you willing to endure. I do not believe that anyone respects a doormat.
What I find troubling in your relationship Jeepers is that your wife continues to lie and you said you have found out that she wishes to give the OM a key. My friend you do not need to put your health at risk. You are right that there are other women who would love to have you and do not cheat and respect the vows of a marriage. It seems you are merely a doorprize if she does not get the OM to leave his wife. The problem is that if she stays with you she will probably look to contact with someone else in the future. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have accepted this situation. Your wife has a broken moral compass.
I think you deserve better and by the way you should be checked for STD's if you have been intimate with her. I wish you luck.

Well...after I posted last night I pretty much has a sleepless night. I did lots of thinking. One thing that came into my mind was, deep down I knew there was a PA going on. I had already prepared myself for it, and I was still going to be 100% committed when I "for sure" found out. Well...yesterday I got the facts, I found out and while at first I stumbled on my commitment, I later came to realize that what I discovered will not change the stance I am taking. <p>I said some pretty bad things to her yesterday, and I do regret saying those. I am trying to do what will be right when I look back years from now, not what may feel right at the moment. Yesterday, I was doing what felt good at the moment. I also called the OM and left a voice mail for him at work. Nothing too harsh….on the first D-day I emailed him and told him I was going to tell his wife and family and so forth. He came back with that his family already knows that he plays his own cards. I have since found out that his wife does not know. I told him he should be watching his back…I am about to play some cards for him…since he is not “man” enough to play them himself. I really think his wife has a right to know she is married to a total loser! However, I am not sure how to go about this one. Maybe I should just leave it alone.<p>I sent her (my wife) an email today, and apologized for the things I said, but hopefully she can see the pain I am going through and constant forces I am dealing with emotionally. I told her, that what I discovered yesterday is not changing the stance I am taking to save our marriage, and while I stumbled on that stance yesterday, I stand even stronger now.<p>I told her I don’t plan on sharing what I found out yesterday with anyone but our marriage counselor and my priest. I told her that it was my job as her husband to honor and protect my wife. By me sharing our details with the world was not protecting her image. I told her I would honor her image as best I could as her husband.<p>I told her to have a good day, look to the positive things, and that hopefully we are at the bottom now, and we can start moving upward. I told her that if there is one word I wanted to share with her at this time, it was “Faith”. I told her faith was strong that I hoped someday she could share this feeling with me.<p>However, I am not going to be a doormat or second best to anyone. Some how I want to tell her this. How do I go about this? I also want her to understand that I don’t “need” her. I am making a choice to save our marriage!<p>I have a meeting with our counselor by myself in the morning, and then I think we have one as a couple next week. I’ll post tomorrow on what comes out of my session.<p>Thanks.

Jeeper,<p>Let OMW know about the affair and let her know where you stand currently. If you are not comfi. about it, send a mail to her w/ info. about the affair w/ your W name & phone#. I wish someone let me know back then. I called OMW once I know that he is married. She is my best allies since she want to save her M too. We traded notes on what might not work on their A (lies and other info.).<p>Tell her straight that you still love her but you hate her behavior and hurt you soo much. Tell her that you beleive both of you could go through this but her continues disregard of M will be close the door of reconsiliation. Put it in a lovely manner (plan A letter), no LB, no time frame but state it straight from the heart.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I told her I don&#8217;t plan on sharing what I found out yesterday with anyone but our marriage counselor and my priest. I told her that it was my job as her husband to honor and protect my wife. By me sharing our details with the world was not protecting her image. I told her I would honor her image as best I could as her husband.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Close family has to be notify too, A has to be brought to day light. You are right not to advertise it but you have to let MIL/FIL/MOM/DAD to know, they have the right to know.<p>You are doing very good. I hope she will see it as her loses.<p>-RH-

Hey Redhat...thanks for the responce.<p>I told her yesterday basically what you stated...that I loved her and hated what she has done. We are going to talk more this weekend and next week for sure. I will tell her if she keeps disrepecting our M, that she will be closing the door to "us" forever. <p>I do wnat to tell the OMW...however, I not sure of the OM last name. I do know where he works, so I will just have to do some research on him.<p>As far as her family...I really want to talk to her dad. I told her yesterday, that I would like to speak to him and that I would not bring up the A. That is for her to do. Would it be a bad thing if I told him? It seems to me like that would be some sort of betrayal.<p>As far as my folks...they know about the EA, not the PA. I think they know enough.<p>thanks again!

Well...I meant with my "coach" (I like that term better) today and he helped a lot. I filled him in on all the details that I uncovered since Wednesday. He said I need to set some firm grounds rules with my wife. And suggested that if my wife continues on current path, and being involved with someone else, that I should not stand around and suffer through the pain. I should tell her that I will not put myself through that pain, and that she can do what she wants...but it will not be with both me and the OM. He stated that from today forward if she continues to disrespect our marriage and show no signs of wanting to rebuild, that I should file for legal separation and begin to prepare for a divorce. At the same time he told me not to become demanding with her...only tell her where I stand, firm on rebuilding our marriage and what I am willing to accept and what I am not. She can make up her own mind if she is willing to work with my requirements.<p>He stated that we cannot begin to rebuild our marriage while either one of is involved with someone else. Is she is the slight bit interested in “us” she needs to have complete separation from the OM. (thankfully he lives in another city)<p>I am going to communicate with her today, that we have a small window of opportunity to repair our marriage. If she continues to have relations with the OM I will close the window forever and move on. I am going to relay this in a way that does not sound demanding...just that I can only take so much.<p>We are also going to talk about the apartment today, as I am maybe helping her move some stuff. I have some requirements on this one as well...IF she is planning on using this to be with the OM...I will not be helping or providing any type of support for it, and I will file for a separation next week. If I catch her lying on this ANY…at least a legal separation will be in order.<p>I want to also somehow communicate that I love her deeply, and that I will do whatever it takes (within reason) to save our marriage. That I am still 100% committed to her.<p>Should be an interesting afternoon.

Jeeper,<p>I have to run to a meeting but I would really get any update from you. You have done wondeful job at plan A, it is up to her to comes and meet you at the middle. Again repentment must come from within to have any chances at all at your fulfilling M.<p>Good luck and God Bless you. -RH-

Thanks redhat! I will like to talk to you more. I'll post again more after my meeting with her.<p>thanks!

OK…had the meeting. It went as well as to be expected. We talked about some basics, as far as the apartment and all and we came to agreements easily on all that stuff. We also talked about her not seeing the OM anymore. She says she understands that she can’t see or speak to him anymore, not only for the chance to save our marriage but so she can figure herself out. She knows she can’t get a hold of herself with him in the picture. I told her that if she does get the need to call him and she does, she is closing the door on chance of recovering our marriage. I told her that if I find out any new lies from her forward….we are done. I told her I will not be a doormat and I will not put myself through that pain. She shared that she does not know if we will make it, but she is willing to take the next 30 to find out. So, the next 30 days or so is for us both to figure out if we want this to work. We are basically going to be dating…doing 2-3 things together a week. I told her I am committed to our marriage, however I have some very large issues to look past and I am not sure that I want her back. I told her I will have the marriage of my dreams…I just don’t know if it will be with her. However, I also shared that if we could both get to the point where we were 100% committed, that I knew we could make it. The hard part now is getting to that point. I told her basically the only thing driving me to save my marriage now is my faith in Christ. If it wasn’t for that, I can’t say for sure that I would even being thinking of saving my marriage.<p>What really hurts is I found out they didn’t actually sleep together until after the first discovering I made (D day 1). So…that really sucks! She said that she figured after I found out…that there was no way we would ever heal our marriage and that it was over between us. According to her, they have slept together twice. I know the dates and such basically because of the emails.<p>I asked her if she was going to be honest from her forward…she said she could and that was the only way to go. So, I started it off right…I asked her if she has spoken with him today, and said that yes she has. She said they agreed to talk one more time this weekend…I said I was not “OK” with that and she needed to end it with him now. She asked if she could have one more call to him. I reluctantly said yes, and that I would want to know how it went and what was said. <p>I have been reading “Surviving and Affair”. I am only on around page 100…but it has helped me understand better what she is going through. I told her I understood some of what she is going through, and that I know she has deep feeling for this OM. She stated that is not necessarily “him” but what they shared together. I tried to be as understanding as possible and reassured her that I felt we could someday have that same feeling together. She said she knows she could never be with him and what they have is nothing but a dream. She said she knows in the real world they would never work. She said she knows the OM would never leave his wife and family and that she is not sure if she wants to leave ours. <p>She will be here at the house shortly and we are going to be moving some things. We talked about the things she could take, I said no to a few items and she was OK with that. She asked to take the cats, I told her NO, I was really enjoying them being here. <p>I have booked most of my schedule up this weekend, and she has to work. However, I do have some time Sunday evening and I was thinking of asking her to dinner or something…it is Easter and all. What do you think about the dinner and everything else? I really do want to save my marriage and I really do want to learn to get past all the visual images I have in my mind and all the deep pain this has caused. I really do want to learn from this and grow. At this point…I just really don’t know if I can.<p>Thanks.
Jeeper

i'll say it again jeeper-you are my hero! your strength is encouraging. hold strong and be firm.<p>i think a date would be a great idea. i wish my ws took me on a date. good luck and keep posting. im rooting for ya!

Jeeper,
Good for you Jeeper, you are on the right track. OM is not ready to replace you. One more thing though, how she is going to prove it to you that there is no contact ?. Also you have to get her to do care (EN), protections (no LB), time (15 H min./week) and honesty. Those are the only way your M could recover.<p>For now you have to spend time, quality time as much as you can. I assume you know already her ENs and her LB buttons.<p>God Bless you.

Thanks Redhat. At this point I have no way of knowing if anything with the OM is going on. I talked with my coach on this subject and he suggeted that I no longer bring up the affiar. If she is still seeing him it will come to light just as it did before.<p>I am really scared to ask her to do anything. At this point she is not committed to healing our marriage. She is supposed to be using this time to figure herself out. Our coach tells me she has a lot of deep personal issues that only she can figure out and deal with. I feel that if I ask her to do anything that may seem pushy...which I think maybe pushing her away. I want her to come to want to do these things on her own. We have a joint meeting with our coach next week (friday). I think he is going to suggest some boooks we could read and then talk about together.<p>We still have not yet come to an agreement on a key for the apartment. We are going to discuss it tonight. I feel that if she gives me a key...she is taking a step in the right direction. If she refuses to give me a key for an apartment I am helping pay for....I may have some issues. Tonight will be the first little test to see what direction she is moving.<p>I am also planning on telling the OM wife this week. Just trying to figure out how to do that. Any suggestions on this one? Maybe when the OM knows that nows that his family maybe in harms (adultery)way...he may take a look at hiself and grow up. This should play out to be an intresting week.<p>I did send her a page this morning...told her happy Easter, that I was getting ready to go the church with the family, and that I will be praying for her and myself, as well as our marriage. And told her to have a great day.<p>One question I have....I am supposed to be meeting her emotional needs...this is kinda hard when she doesn't live at home. So for now...I am kind of considering it like we are "dating"...sending her small notes, flowers and such (courting). I am trying to keep to one to two things a week. I am afraid if I do too much it will push her futher away. I do know her EN's. I have found so much information at the house since I started looking. I have found several books she started to read and made notes in, that she never shared, letters she wrote to me that she never gave me..ect. I wish so much I could have found this stuff about 4 months ago. I had no idea my wife was so unhappy!<p>Thanks again!<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: Jeeper ]</p>

Yikes! Just got back from dinner. She is sooo cold! I guess that is to be expected. Sure does hurt though. It really seems weird though…how someone you “thought” loved you about two months ago…basically hates you today. Pretty painful really. Life is tough I guess…I still keep telling myself that I will be stronger because of this, and I WILL make someone a great loving husband some day!<p>Dinner was OK…neither one of us ate much. (I have lost 15lbs in the past 4 weeks). I did most of the talking. We continued our conversation from Friday. I wanted to make sure she was still OK with the honest stuff. I asked her about the definition of honesty…she really didn’t have one…I shared what mine is. Mine is basically the one in “Surviving An Affair”…No false impressions. I shared that I thought if either one of us was unhappy about something and didn’t share it…that was being dishonest. I also shared that I thought hiding or not telling each other something was to me, dishonest. I expressed my concern that we should be 100% open and honest. She seemed to be on board with that. When I left her Friday she was to only have 1 more conversation with the OM….or at least that is what we agreed to. I asked her about it…she stated she got one page from him today and she was only able to talk to him for about a min and she was not able to tell him anything. I never really got a firm answer on what she is going to do. She stated something about sending him and email tomorrow and telling him how she feels about their situation. I asked her to copy me on it, and I really don’t think that will happen. I really don’t understand why though…if she is going to be open and honest I should be able to read anything she has to say to him. So…the situation with the OM is still open. We talked about it some and really didn’t want to keep bringing it up…but at the some point we need to get closure on that topic. I know I am pushing her away by asking about it…but I feel once we get firm dates on stuff, I can stop asking.<p>Break…..<p>I just called her…told her we need to set some firms goals and dates here. Last Wednesday the last talk date was Good Friday….Friday when we talked it was going to be one last call over the weekend. Now…the weekend is gone, and she didn’t have time. Now…I just talked to her and she wants to email him when she gets back to work on Wednesday. What the Hell! I said call him at home…she came back with that she didn’t know his home number, again a lie. I asked her to please stop lying to me, and let’s talk about this. I said ******* please help me understand what you are feeling. I understand that you have feelings for this guy, and that this is hard. She came back (crying) said that yes, it is very hard, it’s hard when she has built this relationship with him. I said I understood, but at the same time her and I set some expectations, and they are not clear to me, that I needed them to be clear. Then her damn cell phone started cutting out and she said she would call me tomorrow. Then we hung up.<p>So as far as the last talk date with the OM…I have no idea. I will know tomorrow, and if she doesn’t stick to it…I start plan B (legal separation).<p>OK…so now the rest of dinner. It was OK…we talked about a lot and I shared lots of feelings. I told her that no matter what….I will always love her. That no matter what there will always be a small spot in my heart for her. She asked how that could be….? I said ****** it is just a feeling. I know I love you! I stated that I hate the person she is today, and I hate the things that person is capable of and what she has become. However, I know deep down inside you there is a great caring person, not capable of doing what you have done. I love that person. I know that person will be back someday…and I plan on being there when she reappears.<p>I shared what I was dealing with inside. The fact that part of me really wants to move on and find someone else and that I really hate this stage we are in now…I want to make it work…or move on. However, I have a very strong deep feeling to do what’s right, and at this point I think saving my marriage is what is right. I shared that my faith has helped a lot, all my friends have been very encouraging and so on. She shared that she is really struggling with the thought of saving our marriage because she has no feelings for me at this point. She said the only thing that keeps her thinking about saving it is that it would be ashame not to at least try. So…the only thing either one of us is committed to today is…Not leaving our marriage. I told her that if both of us can’t get to a point of both being 100% committed to healing our marriage in around 30days…that we should probably take that as a sign to move on. I told her at this point, I have a lot of things to get over and learn to look past, and that I am very confident that I can do it…and when I do, I will be able to commit 100% to healing our marriage.<p>She stated that she has been very unhappy for a very long time, and that she really kind of wanted me to find out about the A. She said that she knew if I found out, I would not stand for it, and it would be over. She said she didn’t have the guts to try and end it herself and she kind of thought having an affair would be an easy way for her to get out. I don’t think she set out looking for an affair to end our marriage…I think it was more of a subconscious thing. She said what has really thrown her a curve ball is I did just the opposite of what she thought I would do. (she didn’t know how much I really love her) I told her that I understand that she doesn’t have any feeling for me at this point…I told her I could win any women’s heart and sit back and watch while I win hers. (that is as long as she stops the crap with the OM…if not she can watch from a distance while I win over some other women’s heart.) &#61514;<p>Well…that was really about it. I am going to tell the OM wife tomorrow. I should also here back from my wife on the OM. Should make for an interesting day.<p>Oh…the apartment. No key. Which really pisses me off. I am paying for half of it, and I don’t get a key, while she has access to the house. She said she “was” going to give me a key but then she heard from a friend that I made some comment about her not being home Friday night and probably meeting up with the OM..she changed her mind. Sounds like a poor excuse to me. I really don’t understand. If she still continues to argue and not give me a key…I will be changing the locks here. And I told her this….I don’t have to have a key…If I want in, I can get in. I told her I was hoping she would give me one just on principle. Oh well. I am starting to get a little run down with all this. How long can anyone keep being strong? I almost want to toss my hands in the air and quit! I think maybe I would be happier if she just hurried up and left. She will be the one with a miserable life…heck, she can’t even address her own issues. I feel like I am in highschool again talking to some girl who doesn’t know life from a soap opera…but this time I love the girl!!!<p>Thanks….Sorry all these are so long! It feels good to vent!<p>Jeeper.

Jeeper,<p>You could call directly and tell also your wife that you do this or completely annom. by tipping the OMW. I would vote for direct contact. I did direct contact OMW & my WW knows it too. She is pissed but I need the info about OM and get more than what I bargain for. It shows that their A is really based on lies. That's killing OM right now.<p>You could plan A from far, you get the right idea. Small token goes a long way, but if and only if it is part of your W's top 5 ENs. Otherwise don't even do it.<p>Sorry to hear that the dinner is a bummer and also she didn't gave you the key. Hang on tight, this is a 'coaster ride. I would get OM's info. as much as you can from OMW. You will know if there are lies or false pretend on both part. For instance, my WW doesn't like womenizer but OM is. OM lies to his tail !!!. I just need to sit tight and watch them fail. However be cautious w/ OMW and help her out too.<p>I would get ADD if I were you, I think I am the only one have a clear head on my situation ... my WW, OM and OMW are having their stomach churned inside out.<p>Good luck. -RH-

OK, thanks. I was planning on calling directly and hopefully being able to meet her.<p>Thanks again...I'll keep posting.