Two months ago my world as I knew it would change forever. I logged onto my husband's email account and read an email he sent. It was very short "truck will be on the road soon I love you I gotta go happy new year" As I read the letter my body started to shake. I read it over and over, my stomach was turning. I was at work, I went home to meet up with him before he went to his 2nd shift job. When I questioned him, he denied it of course. Telling me it was a guy at work and he must of typed it by mistake, I was enraged yelling there is no way to type 3 words by mistake. He said we would talk when he came home from work. I immediately called the guy at work and asked if it was his email he replied no and asked that we never had this conversation. I then new there was someone else. I started to cry. I didn't know what to do. As I tried to find out who she was, I would call his work and question him. He said it was someone at work but couldn't say who over the phone. At that point I didn't know who it was since he worked two jobs. <p>Finally he came home from work. I demanded to know who it was, he had the nerve to tell me he promised her he would not reveal who it was. I said this person screws up my life and I don't have the right to know. I also said if he didn't tell me I would go confront the person I thought it was. He then told me who she was. He said nothing happened, he said he was starting to have feelings for her and one night he gave her a kiss but she got up and walked away. He said he loved me and wanted things to work out. He said he had to quit that job to get out of the environment. He had been working there for three years, we would only see each other on weekends and he didn't feel he was part of our family and it was taken it's toll. I agreed that would be the best thing to do. The next day he went to his first shift job and told the supervisor that he screwed up and he broke down crying. He told him he got caught cheating and needed to get away from that job and asked if they would take him on full time. The boss agreed and advised him to go home and work things out with me. I was at home crying and couldn't go to work. He came home told me everything was going to be ok now that he was quitting the other job. I asked him to swear to me nothing more happened between him and her and he said nothing happened. That night he went to work and gave his 2 week notice, said he didn't see the women, she worked 1st shift.<p>The next night when he was working, I had this terrible feeling in my stomach that there was more to the story than he was letting on. I tried to sleep but couldn't as I waited for him I cried and cried. When he came home, he said what is wrong? I said you have something to tell me. He asked what?, I said I talked to her (didn't really) and you need to tell me something. He still acted like he didn't know. I then took a chance and said, I talked to her and I know you had sex with her. He put his head down and said oh no. I then asked how long this was going on. He told me about 2 years. I felt my body empty with emotion, I jumped up and started to hit him, I hurt myself more then him. He said he would leave if I didn't stop. I asked all the usually things, why? how could you? Etc. He said he wanted to stay with me and work this out. I didn't know what to do, we have a 10 year son together and my first thought was how us divorcing would crush him. I agreed I would try to work things out. He wanted to go to counseling, I agreed. <p>Over the course of the last two months, I have been through every emotion I can think of. We have discussed it to the point my husband can't take it anymore. I've been on the internet looking up the subject and I've purchased books to try and help me deal with this. I feel I've come to understand why and how this happened. We were only together on weekends and this women at his work started flirting with him and he would flirt back. Then she wrote him a note that she could be what I wasn't for him. At first he said no he couldn't he was married. This women persisted and would give him lots of attention and compliments. He finally gave in, she would return to work on his lunch break and they would be together in the parking lot either her car or his and sometimes they would have sex. He claims they didn't have sex often approx once every other week. He also said it was always in the vehicles never her house or motels. She lived with her ex-father in law and daughter. I've asked about the sex and if I can believe what he has told me it wasn't intimate at all. There are many things he did not do with her. He felt he knew it was wrong but the excitement of not getting caught keep it going. He told her he would never leave me for her even though she tried to convince him she would give him a better life. He said he wanted to end it but didn't know how, he felt she would continue to haunt him at work. He said he got over his head and didn't know how to get out of it. He claims before I found out he started to avoid her hoping she would get the hint and leave him alone. I of course said if you wanted to stop you didn't have to get in her car or better yet could have stayed in the building for lunch. I also questioned if he didn't love her why would he send the email saying he did. He claims he wrote it to get her off his back. No matter what he tells me I still cannot get over the fact he did it. When he tells me the relationship was basically over as soon as it started but yet he continued it doesn't make the pain any lesser. <p>My husband tells me he loves and believes our marriage can work. The councilor believes we have a strong foundation and can make this work - we have been married 11 years. I still have doubt, I love him very much but feel there is no excuse for what he did. The pain I feel is unbearable. Sometimes I want it to work then I think of what he has done and feel he doesn't deserve me. If you truly love someone there is a line you never cross and he did, I can never forgive him for that. I also have feelings of doing to him what he has done to me. I don't know how to get over this feeling of numbness.

What you are feeling is completely natural and expected. I have been there. Many of us have.<p>Both of you should be in counseling, individual and marriage.<p>You need to know that if you ever hope of recovering your marriage, that forgiveness is a necessary part. Forgiveness does not mean that what they did was not wrong, that it did not hurt, or that you trust them again. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice.<p>If you are unwilling to forgive, you marriage stands no chance of recovery.<p>Forgiveness also should not be conditional. You eventually have to decide if you want to make that choice, regardless of whether or not they ask for it, want it, or if you think they deserve it. He will need to work to regain your trust, respect, and love.

Thank you for response. I feel forgiving is like saying "I'm ok with what you did". How do you forgive someone for doing this? <p>We are in counseling. I'm not sure if we are getting what we need out of it. It maybe that I'm still in the anger/resentment stage. I've also read everything I could on the internet, as well as Straight talk about betrayal, Surviving Infidelity, Monogamy Myth, and now Torn Asunder. I also bought the tapes to Monogamy Myth tapes for H to listen to. I feel I've learned alot but it still doesn't take the pain away.

Please know that I can totally relate to your pain. You are NOT alone. Yes, this is unbearable to endure. When my H had an affair with my former best friend, I thought I would die. I couldn't eat, sleep, etc. I lost 30 pounds in a little over a month. I had to go on medication just to cope. It was double the pain because I loved them both so much.<p>Well, they lied about it so I was promised it was EA only. This happened 6 years ago. At that time we were separated for 9 mos. He was so pathetic moping about her. She was also his employee, best friend's wife and our neighbor. I had to see my H's car parked at her house late at night when her H was out of town. they didn't care at all about what they were doing to me.<p>Well, I found out in counseling 8 mos ago that he lied for the whole time. It was PA, including at my house, IN MY BED. That hurts by far the worst. I will never feel the same about this house. I had to switch rooms around, buy new furniture, etc. to deal with it. So we are now sleeping in my old sewing room which is not nearly as nice as our original bedroom. They also had sex at her house and her car and 'made out' at our office. Where her H could have walked in at any time.<p>The saddest thing? She never did admit it or apologize for the pain. She said 'nothing' happened and she was only trying to be his friend. I had to write her a letter of forgiveness for counseling (took me almost a year) and she wrote back basically taking no blame and turning it all back on me. This was when I thought it was EA only. Now that I know the truth, I would LOVE to let her know, but I realize it would gain me nothing. She'd only continue to deny it.<p>Have you and your H been tested for stds? If not, do so immediately. It was the first thing I did. My H claims it was oral sex only, I don't know if I believe him. But there are still 6 diseases that are spread that way so I wasn't taking any chances.<p>I'm glad you are going to counseling. It is almost impossible to heal without it. Torn Asunder is a wonderful book and really helped me. I also found the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com to be insightful. It really helped my H to see why I HAD to know the details. Even though it's hard, it was worse not knowing.<p>I guess we were one of the lucky couples. It has taken lots of prayer, time, counseling, reading, forgiving, etc. to get here. LET ME EMPHASIZE...I COULD NOT FORGIVE THEM WITHOUT GOD'S HELP. I was not ready. Like you I thought if I did, they got away with it or something. But you know what? they have to live with themselves and face God someday. And I'd rather be on this end than live with their loss of self respect, pattern of lying, guilt, etc.<p>Please don't give up. I know it's tempting to just say "forget it." But divorce isn't an easy or better option often. Too many times we look at it as a short term solution to a long term problem. If you haven't separated, it really might help. It helped me because I didn't have to see his "fog" over this friend of mine. I could concentrate on myself, getting stronger and independent in case he did leave for good. It was very hard at first, but it did help us. <p>I wish you much luck, peace and healing. Please keep posting and read everything that you can. Don't give up....you can do it!

Thank for sharing. I had him checked right away. He didn't appreciate that. He claims he always wore protection, but I told him I believe maybe in the begining you did but since it was going on for so long I doubt it towards the end. His reply "I didn't know what she was doing on weekends" I was like hello why would you be with her in the first place then? From his description of the affair, I do believe he didn't love her.<p>Why does the spouse want to stay in the marriage? I would think if I was that attracted to someone else, I would want to be with them? I guess that is another issue I can't figure out. I down right told him to go to her but he says no he loves me and wants this to work. <p>Stronger than yesterday

It's good to hear that he wants it to work. Hopefully he'll be willing to do the HARD work it requires. For us it was like saving our marriage was a part time job, on top of everything else.<p>It was so hard for me because my H WAS in love with her. Did all of the stupid high school stuff like giving her flowers, cards, holding hands on the beach (which he would never do with me,)etc. I think he loved her for about 6 mos before it started, and at least that long afterward. <p>Good luck and keep working on yourself and the marriage.

What is the hard work? It says that in all the books and articles. But what is it you have to do? He quit the 2nd shift job so he comes home to me every night. We are a family again but being able to sit down and have dinner and we do everything together. We cuddle now while watching tv, we hold hands. He buys me flowers and tells me he loves me. Is that part of the hard work? <p>That is why he got involved with the OW, he saw her everyday and she paid alot of attention to him something I could only do on weekends. She also came back to the workplace on his break, this is how they spent their time together. This was something I couldn't do. I was at home taking care of our son.

For me it was hard work staying commited to the marriage when my heart was broken. Being around his "fakey" family who doesn't know anything and acting all normal. Getting past the emotional outbursts and rage. Having to face his coworkers and friends who knew about it and not feel like a needy fool for taking him back. Trying to be intimate again without those constant images in my mind. Having to live in this house where he took her, and having to redo our upstairs so we could sleep in a different bedroom. Feel sick to my stomach every time I go by the 2 parks where they were together. I have to see her (former) house everyday as they were neighbors. <p>It would be easier for me if I could go back on the medication that helped me with these feelings, but I'm pregnant so it's not an option. In the meantime, he goes along his merry way all relieved cuz he did his 'job' by telling me so he's free to heal. Sorry if I sound sarcastic, it's been a hard week!<p>Don't give up, it is worth it.

Oh I get it now. One of the spots they had sex was in his truck. We normally don't go anywhere as a family in it but if we do I find it very VERY difficult. I wanted to sell it which he agreed to do, but financially it will hurt us. So I decided to see if I can deal with it. I had a very tough week too. Most things are fine it is when I get the thoughts in my head I can't seem to get rid of them and I get depressed but I haven't had to go on any medication for this. When he ended it with her he just went to work and said it was over and he was leaving in 2 weeks. She of corse told him she could give him a better life. He said no and that he loved me. Part of this really bother me because in a fit of anger I wrote her an email and she replied with loads of details one being he left it open with her if it didn't work with me. He read her email and said some of it was lies, that she lies alot and he never told her that. I believe him but I do think she is waiting for him. I asked him to write her a letter about his feelings etc. He didn't know what good it would do but I explained it would give me closure on the situation. I didn't want her to think he was coming back to her. He did do it and we mailed it today. I read it after he wrote it and it made me feel so much better. Was it the wrong thing to do? I don't know but for me it helped. <p>I have to give you credit, I think I would have sold the house if she had been in it. In her email she tried to say she was but when I questioned her to what was in my house she couldn't descibe it. <p>Will this be your first child? Good luck.

Yes, those feelings can really take over can't they? Yes, it is our first child which is a blessing and a miracle that I am eternally grateful for. I can't wait to meet him/her!
I just wish I didn't have this joy slightly dimmed by these feelings. Just rotten timing I guess. We will get through it, I know we can!