I am new to this site and see that people through their experiences are very helpful for one another. I would like to use this space to tell what is happening to me, perhaps to help with my own clarity of what is going on. I am married 21 years, I am 42female, my husband is about to turn 50. Over the years we have really focused on our children 15-s, and 12-d and perhaps neglected our needs in our relationship. My H met a woman at work who was looking for a relationship in a way to leave her H. My H got very emotionally and physically involved for about the 7 months. I discovered the relationship through e-mail messages. The messages were like poetry and the images haunt me. The feelings and passion expressed were what I wanted in our relationship but had become accepting that it was not going to be. In the last 2 weeks we have talked a great deal. I realized that my H did not know how wise and willing to take chances I am and I did not know that he has felt emotional disconnected and overachives due to low self esteem. H states that he felt emotionally connected to the OW. It is very hurtful to me because I truly was needing an emotional connection with him. I lost some of myself in maintaining, I neglected the connection of body and soul I so greatly need and want.
H has stopped his relationship with the OW but they still work together. I have entered counseling to sort things out for me and my H will enter counseling (appts. are hard to get) soon. He would like to work on being able to feel his emotions. He has a whole childhood suppressed in order not to feel what happened. In our years 25+ together we have never yelled at each other, we may have been irritated. In fact we have always been very kind to each other. This made the affair more hurtful to me because we have always been considerate of each other. I may have thought about seeking sex out side of the marriage but never crossed the line as my H did. I do want to heal from this and I am unsure if we will stay together. While my H takes time to explore some pieces about himself, I need to be sure I do not go back to the way our relationship was. Of course there are more details as any relationship of so many years are. Thanks for allowing me to vent out in such a forum. SOF (soul on fire)

Isn't it sad there are websites like this! Thank goodness for them but it reminds me there are too many people messing around. I found out the 1st week of January. I wish the betrayers would know the pain of will come out of it before they cross the line. I only wish there was some kind of law for this, I think if it were punishable maybe there would be less of it. My H had an affair with a co-worker as well. She pursued him knowing he was married. I'm not putting the total blame on her. At first he said no but eventually gave in. We were only together on weekends because he worked 2nd shift. This is how he got away with it, it happened during his lunch break so there was no time to account for. Luckily, when I found out he quit the job immediately. I'm struggling with the fact he's sorry for what he did, but I don't think he understands the full impact of it. <p>I've read alot of books; Straight talk about betrayel, Surviving Infidelity, The Monogamy Myth and now Torn Asunder. I would say the latter two are the best. You need to read alot about this and have H read it too. I was able to understand why this happened intelectually but still struggling with the emotional stuff. Wish I could make it go away! <p>Best of luck.

dear sof- im so sorry you have to be here-i know what you are going through. i too am a bs. my wh also had an affair with a co-worker. i found out dec. 9th. the nite before he took her to the company x-mas party. supposedly no one knew they were together-oh well. anyway i feel your pain. sometimes on the weekends the boards are slow-if you could bump this up either late tonight or tomorrow late morning more people would respond. good luck.

To nikko and strongerthanyesterday,<p>Thanks for your reply, both of you! There is a strange comfort in that I am not alone and this happens to other people. I never imaged it would be me. (how does one bump up a message?). Thanks for the book recommendations. I am a reader. <p>I am still living with my H as we try to work things out. He is emotionally distant, and has been for a good part of our marriage. Do people move on for a better marriage? Do many people on the brink of 50 go off the deep end? In any event, I see this will be a long healing process, does the hurt lessen?<p>SOF (souls on fire)

Good news-yes the hurt does lessen, with lots of time. For my H and I (he had affair with former best friend whom I loved like a sister), it took lots of counseling, a 9 mos separation, prayer, and reading. But mostly time. And yes, they can go 'off the deep end' at any age. My H was only 32 and basically had a mid life crisis.<p>Bad news-working with her is not good. It will hinder your healing and make it more tempting for him. No contact means NONE. I hope that this will resolve itself for you.<p>I also loved the book 'Torn Asuner' and the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com<p>There is a booklet on adultery at the website
http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb001/
which is also pretty complete.<p>I think it's great that he's willing to enter counseling. It does wonders!<p>Good luck and keep in touch.

SOF,<p>I am the one having the A. Seems like a similar situation to yours. I am 38 and W is 36. 2 small kids. My perspective is I want my marriage better and stronger. I am willing to work on myself and my wife I hope will work on herself so we can both work on the marriage. I have read a great book called Affairs by Emily Brown. Amazon,com lets you read alot of it.
Good luck!! I will watch your posts if you want to bounce around!

To Howbre,<p>Thank you for responding to my post. It is good to hear you are in counseling. My H and I are both in counseling separtly which is helpful. We are not sure if we will stay together in the long run, but we both have a strong commitment to do our best for our children in either situation. The children make it the hardest to think about not staying together. They have been our main focus for 15 years and they are wonderful children as the result.
My H felt like he was a horrible man and I have asure you he is not. I am not sure if you felt this way. I did not like at all the choice he made, this was very hurtful. Gaining back trust is difficult. My focus is on our relationship and that there are difficulties. I take 50% of the responsiblity for our relationship. I do feel to go back to the way it was would be a dis-service to myself and my H. His disconnect with his emotions in our relationship was not good for me and I care about him enough that he should have a more connected life. I do know that he is capable of these emotions since he experienced them in his affair. If he can connect emotionally with me and in his life in general is his work. It is unsettling that we maynot work out our relationship in the area of feeling passionate for eachother. My H and I are going to spend some time working our relationship, no time frame. I need time to know if I need to let him go and he needs time to sort out emotional issues.
You are being honorable by working on yourself for your relationship, I hope that your wife can make changes as well.
Luck to you -
SOF (souls on fire)