It has been two painful weeks since discovery. I have asked so many questions and caught my husband in additional lies. He has only admitted to having sex witht he other woman because I had bank statements with withdrawls in the city she travels to so I could place him in the same city when she was there. He is not forth coming with any other times they were together, but I suspect it was more than he admitted to.<p>I think he is still calling her when he goes to work. I think he has one of those pre-paid calling cards and calls her from a pay phone and I can't prove that. I check his company voice mail - they work together in different territories - I caught the fact that he voiced mailed her and she returned his call - after both of them promised there would not be any further contact. <p>The sexy lift in her voice just turned my stomach - although she was not discussing anything provocative.<p>Should I hire a private investigator? I want to know if he is being truthful to me or am I going to be set up for more pain. I want to work this out for our kids, but how do I know he does?<p>If they are truly "in love", won't he try to meet her again? How will I know? How can I catch them? How can I be sure?<p>I am so tormented.

When I first found out, I too hoped it would be finished immediately, but I found that when relationships have been lengthy (as in my case)it's not as easy to just cut them off. There are two other women in my life and a month and a half after dday both of them are still trying to contact my SO. We have one threatening to sue for money she gave him and another one claiming to be pregnant, so no contact has been slow in coming, but he is making the effort. <p>I can also tell you I did not get all the answers to my questions when I first found out, I don't think anyone does, but I got some, and every now and then if you're patient the conversation will just go there and you'll find out something you wanted to know. I try not to push the conversation, and rarely even ask anymore, and now something will happen that will trigger a memory for him and he'll tell me something new, or he'll say okay tell me what you want to know. So my best advice is to try talking to him, but if you don't get what you want from it just let it go for awhile and slowly, and when the time is right, you'll find out what you want to know.<p>My SO also works with one of the ow, but on a different shift, so I don't worry about them at work, but it doesn't matter, if they want to see each other they will, I worry every time he leaves the house without me that he will see her, I know she follows our truck around and I'm afraid that one day he'll stop to talk to her. Luckily for me he hates the stalker mentality and that only helps him not stop. So even though its hard, try not to worry about whether they are talking on the phone at work, his actions to you will show you his true colors.<p>I wish you all the best of luck, I know its hard to deal with and the road is soooo long, but you have come to the right place, there are lots of people here to support you through this.<p>Bridgette

dear storm02-first off-BREATHE. try to calm yourself down. the panick isnt going to help-although i remember it all too well. im sorry for your situation. after our d-day it took a long time to get the truth. be patient. im still finding out stuff. it hurts-i know. you have to start reading everything you can-educate yourself. that is your best defense. find out what your wh is going through. the books surviving an affair and torn usunder are my bibles so to speak. start reading-and posting here. vent to us not him. ask us, not him. give it all time to sink in. you may possibly want to think about medication-it helps.<p>now onto your questions. if he is contacting her there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. my wh lied to me about contact for a while too. you know after they were found out they wanted to stay friends-after all they were friends first!! YEAH RIGHT. anyway what im trying to tell you is that the only person you can controll is yourself, and you are probably out of controll right now-rightfully so-but you have to find a way to get it together. keep posting and find your inner strength.

God I am so sorry for you and all of us who are with a sorry SOB who would risk his family for a stranger. I did everything I could to try to save my marriage and find out if H and OW were still communicating. And in the end I just came up to the conclusion that H and OW will be losers in this. There was nothing on earth that I could do to stop the train from rolling, so to speak. So I kicked him out of my home, away from his kids, cut him off completely from our life together. Let him feel what it feels like to give up family for a stranger. Doing this gave me peace, I don't know if it will work for you. I do know that they will lie, lie, lie. And you will sit there and try to figure out why, why,why. And there is no explanation except they are not worth the time of day while in this state. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering if they are communicating. Your intuition is telling you they are. Do what you need to do to feel safe in your relationship. Don't be afraid. Give ultimatums. What do you have to lose? Good luck, pray for strength. It works. And believe, no matter what you will be okay. You are all the woman that any one man could ever need. Remember that. Take care. Wucus
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Thanks Nikko and I forgot the name of the first person who responded. It feels good to have someone respond back and I don't feel so all alone. <p>My mother died a few months ago and my father died a long time ago. I really don't have any family to talk to about my situation. I started seeing a therapist and feel it is helping somewhat to have a non-biased third party listen to my side. I am convinced I should not make any decisions while I am so upset. How long does it take for this rage to calm down?<p>I do feel I am a little out of control. I threatened to call their company and expose the affair. My husband talked me out of it, but I still feel like I want to seek revenge on this women who has a hold on my husband. What was she thinking? She is married with kids as well. Why would another woman in my situation do this - ruin a marriage. I know what the books say, but I am so upset.<p>I also called the other woman's husband and exposed the affair to him. I don't know if he is a whimp - has blinders on - or if he suspects doesn't want to rock the boat. I've called him twice and he says that he trusts his wife and doesn't believe that there is anything to be concerned about. My husband admitted the affair to me only after I had him good. But he claims it ended a few months ago. I just don't feel thats the case in my gut.<p>If I feel he is continuing to lie to me, how can I ever trust him again? Maybe I'm wrong - maybe it is over, but I feel a strong need to prove it to myself.

First, I would like to tell you that I have an idea of what you are going through and how sorry I am that anyone has to go put up with this type of behavior from their spouse. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] My wife of 14 yrs had a very brief affair with her teacher back in Dec of 2000. I found out all of the details of what they did through an e-mail account that I broke into. (Yup I'm sort of a computer nerd [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I want you to know that the pain and fear you are feeling WILL begin to dull and go away. Not tomorrow or the next day, but it will happen. What you are feeling is natural. I'm sure you feel betrayed, shocked, and your ego has taken a major blow as well. Your going to be ok though. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Don't let the anger and sadness over take you. Work through them, this experience will make you stronger...trust me. <p>Revenge will get you nothing, it may feel good in the beginning, but think of the pain you may cause others surrounding the O/W. <p>Wish I could tell you about the trust coming back. I still suspect my wife sometimes (she is still going to the same school) but then I summon all of my conviction and put it out of my mind. I know she is a good woman. I guess this part depends on your spouse.<p>Finally, show your husband you can go on without him. Let him know he married the right woman, and strayed with the wrong one. I know that sounds hard, but you have to make him choose between you or her. Show him you're tough and smart. How you handle yourself over the next few months is very integral to how things will turn out. You can't be weak, but don't be cruel either. If you still love him let him know, but also let him know he can't have the cake and eat it to. REMEMBER: You have the upper hand now, don't show him your cards. <p>Xping (Steve)