How do I make him understand the full magnitude of what he has done. Is it even possible? He said I was making a bigger deal out of this than it was. He seems to think because he didn't have feelings for OW and he wanted to end it before I found out that it makes it ok. He said he knows it was the wrong thing to do, but I really don't think he gets how much pain/damage this has caused. He wants to get on with our lives. He doesn't show any emotions of remorse, his excuse is he never was an emotional guy. Sometimes I think I've had it.

Boy, can I relate. The only way my H would ever get it would be if I were to:<p>have an affair with HIS best friend
take the friend into H's bed
lie about it for 6 years including to our counselor
tell everyone I deserved to be happy and that friend was so much better than H (smarter, better looking, etc.)
promise friend I would NEVER tell the truth, so actually keep a bond between us for 6 years that's stronger than my marriage vow
And then to really complicate things....I would stay close friends with the 'friends' wife even AFTER the affair and want to spend all kinds of time with her. Bizarre, you bet!<p>I feel your pain loud and clear. It's been a rough few weeks at this end. Some days I can't stop crying. <p>I know it will get better. God will watch over us!

He will never know the magnitude of what he has done. Could I understand loosing a child from someones experience - no.
My H will never know all the small secret areas he has touched with this darkness. It is my job to explore them. Make peace with them.
That is not to lessen what he has done, it was bad,very bad and hurtful and selfish.

We went to marriage counseling this week. We are supposed to be done in a few weeks. She asked if I thought my H has done 'restitution' for the affair. I said no and explained that last summer when he finally confessed (after 6 years) I asked him to read Torn Asunder. He agreed and started reading it. Then I needed emergency surgery and he stopped reading. That was 7 mos ago and he's never gone back to it. I told him it would make me feel like we had more closure and that he could understand how I feel if he would finish the book.<p>He sat there in counseling and basically said "I can't change the past. I can't stop your pain. What good is reading a book going to do?" I explained to him that it would be a sign of commitment for me and the marriage. He very agreed but wasn't happy about it.<p>If I had the affair, I'd be begging him to forgive me. I'd be on my knees and so sorry for the pain. But after 6 years of lies, he makes it sound like such a big deal to read a book?<p>Sometimes I think things are so good between us and times like that I think he's just sweeping it all under the rug again.

Someone told me H will never know what the pain feels like unless it happens to him. I know I tell him often how much damage there has been. He says he's sorry, but has never cried to me (he did to his boss). I haven't seen him cry in 12 years. When we had our son 10 yrs ago tears came to his eyes but he didn't cry. Well here is a break through, on Friday when I thought I had had enough, I told him I used to love him more than anything. When he would go somewhere I would worry he might not make it. I almost lost him due to a work illness 6 years ago and thought it was the end of my world. Then I said now, I love you but not the way I did. I no longer worry that you may get into an accident. As I finished saying how this breaks my heart that I don't feel the love I did. I noticed he was sniffling and tears came down his face as he quickly wiped them away. He said he realized what he has done and said he is truly sorry. And asked if I will love him that way again. I unfortunately had to answer that I really wasn't sure, that I could never forget this. I hope in time I can get over this hump but no matter what this will always be there. Makes me wonder if the opportunity rises for me to do this would I?!

It helps me so much to read these posts. My WH thought that since he ended his A almost 4 years ago on his own without being caught it would't hurt me as much as it has. He doesn't understand that with d day being 3/7/02 I am still dazed and shocked. We also went into marriage counseling sometime around the time he was having the A, and amazingly the A never came up!! I was the "patient". We learned (especially me) quite alot in therapy and we have had a much better marriage as a result. He thought he would never have to reveal it to me; but it kept haunting him. The dishonesty etc. He thought that since our marriage had improved so much during the last 4 years that I would see that as being highly important; therefore he would be off the hook. Also that since after all it was 4YEARS AGO, maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal. WRONG!! I am grateful that he isn't in love with the OW; I am annoyed that he has seen her as a friend since the end of the A; Not any longer now that we have been woking on MB principles and knows of the No Contact rule. We know we need to go into counseling again to deal with this. I just need to summon the strength to open up to this again. I am consumed with trying to figure out what was reality vs illusion for the past 4 years. It's been so hard looking back at the memories realizing what has happened now. I am so glad all of you are here. Neither one of us want to tell any of our family or friends. He is ashamed, and I feel humiliated. Neither one of us wants to be judged. Thanks, CSue

You can't make him understand it. Sorry.<p>My H doesn't understand the damage his "friendship" has done to our marriage. He's said things like "You'll never get over it. It is what it is. I never should have told you the truth."<p>I don't have an answer for you. They make it that you, the betrayed spouse, are the problem because you're not letting go of something so insignificant as adultery, lying, and stealing years from you because of their lies. Adultery is treachery of the lowest sort.<p>In Dante's "Divine Comedy" the lowest circle of hell is full of traitors, frozen up to their chins. Judas Iscariot is there with Satan. Dante must have believed that frozen solid cold is worse than eternal fire.<p>You have to have a frozen heart to betray the one who you've sworn to love above all others, and not to feel their pain after they find out.<p>I don't think it's possible to get past it and go on unless they face what they've done and show real remorse. They act like it's all in your mind, like you're making it up, being a drama queen.<p>I hope you can recover.