It has been seven weeks since "D" Day for me. I had resolved to forgive WH for his affair with a co worker. I understand that it has to "run its course" but I am loosing patience when it comes to getting her out of his head. She still works as his secretary and he thinks of her often, although he said it is getting easier to not think about her. I was ok with this until last night. I have to poke and prod to get answers that i feel he should freely volunteer. I asked about past friendships he has had with other female co workers and found out that there was an emotional Affair with someone else that included a kiss. He has also been involved in phone sex and cyber sex, which at this point seems like minor stuff. I have given him everything I am. We have made love several times since "D"Day (my affair with him I guess you can say)and I felt like he was getting past all of this and I felt like I was moving forward too. Then this little bit of new information just rocked my world, again. How do I learn to trust him again with all of the deceit? I feel like an idiot for putting so much effort into recovering from this when there is still so much he is not telling me. I feel worthless, but I know I deserve so much more. We are not in counseling, but he is open to the idea. Money is super tight right now, so we have held off. He is a good Christian, if you dont count the A, and I want to believe him, but how?

Not to discourage you, but if he continues to work with her and doesn't go to counseling....your chances of healing from this will be much less. He's obviously trying to fill some need that he doesn't think is met. A counselor can work through this so much easier than the 2 of you alone. Don't let money get in the way, counseling is so much cheaper than a divorce.<p>It sounds to me like you're trying to 'fix' things too quickly. If you read Torn Asunder you will see that this is a (somewhat long) process. If you breeze through it, it will come back much worse later. Unfortunately I know that thru experience and it is SO much worse later.
Don't sweep it under the rug, it may happen again. Also, the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com is very good. Take him up on the counseling thing. My H and I have spent more than $5000 on counseling over the years and it was very well spent. We are on a VERY limited income by the way.<p>If he has turned to 2 co workers and the Internet, he needs help. Think of your needs and set some boundaries. By the way, cyber sex and phone sex ARE adultery and may point to a sexual addiction on his part.<p>Please don't put off working on this. It's not worth it. I wish you luck and healing

Thank you for your reply. You have given me some things to think on. I am so glad I found this message board. At least I know I am not alone. I do know that Phone sex and Cyber sex are adultery. And I have thought about him being a sex addict. But this affair was love, so he says. He liked her personality and they could talk to each other. I was always willing to talk. It is him who wasnt willing. I felt so shut out. I keep telling him that with all that I deal with on a daily basis, I should have been the one to have an affair. The only person he has had to worry about was himself. I feel like the last few years have been a lie. Like I mean nothing to him. Even though he has cut ties with her as much as possible( since they still work together) and she is in the process of finding another job. Thanks again for your insight.

That is GREAT news that she's looking for another job. My H's counselor was so adamant about him not working with her if he wanted our marriage that he actually FOUND her another job! Of course it was so her advantage as it paid more anyway. But she blamed me anyway and did the 'woe is me, you ruined my life' routine. Don't get me started!<p>I will say a prayer for you. Read everything you can. There are some excellent links here. See if your H will do the emotional needs questionaire, it's valuable.<p>One of the best things my H and I learned in counseling was our personality types. (there are 16 types, created by Myer's and Briggs). It really helped me to see that there are some things I just can't change about him and vice versa. I think we are both more accepting and flexible now. You can take the tests online also. Good luck

THank you Maggierose for your support and encouragement. I am so glad I have found people who understand what I am going through. I found a counselor. My H says he will go but prefers a man. He doesnt want someone telling me that he is scum and to leave. I wouldnt right now anyway. We had planned a trip to Orlando for our annniversary in April, shoud we still go. we get along and have fun together. I am worried I will be depressed and no fun to be around or that I will have too many expectations of him. I know I expect too much from him that he cant give me right now. We talked last night for awhile and he said he thinks he is over his addiction to her. I asked it in so many words. Maybe I can start to heal instead of trying to "fix" things. thanks again!

I don't know what to say about the trip. I know how hard it is to be good company when your world is in shreds. I'm happy that he's willing to work on things. Perhaps your counselor could advise you about the trip thing?<p>I hold out hope that things will work out, if he's willing to go to counseling and you both are committed to working on things! Keep in touch