I am engaged to a man I love more than I could ever imagine. We got engaged in October and shortly after that he told me that he had sex with his ex wife. At the time I wasn't to hurt by it and it was almost as if I didn't care. Now, almost six months later, I am torn to pieces. I have never been so incredibly hurt by anything in my life. He told me that he is sorry and that is was a mistake. I can't forget about it. He has three kids with this woman and every time he says he is going to see the kids I get angry and we end up getting in a huge fight. I bring up the incident every chance I get because I want to hurt him as bad as he hurt me and I know that is wrong. He doesn't seem to understand why I am so upset about it and he doesn't act like he is sorry. His ex wife calls him all of the time and asks him for favors. I am to the point where I want him to give up rights to his kids so he will never see that woman again. I have never been so angry and hurt in my life. She was married to him for 10 years and I don't know why she had to have him when he was mine. Everytime she calls I get into a bad mood and treat my fiance badly. This mood will last for a couple of days and he never wants to talk about it and he justs thinks it will go away. I am so hurt I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on our relationship and I know that he doesn't want to, either, but I can't continue on like this. I feel like she will always be number one in his life and I am just a "replacement" wife. He says that isn't true, but I sure feel that way. I asked him why he cheated on me with her and he says that he was confused and he doesn't know why. I don't want him to ever speak to her or see her again and if it means giving up his kids I don't even care. I am at a loss and I don't know what to do.

I would strongly urge you to get into counseling with him BEFORE you marry him. If he doesn't figure out why he did this, he will be much more likely to do it again. I know how painful it is, it's been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. There is hope, IF you are both willing to work on it. It's not easy, but for us it was worth it.<p>I loved the book Torn Asunder and the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com<p>They do a great job of explaining why the betrayed has to see and feel your emotions. Don't sweep it under the rug, it comes back so much worse later. <p>Take care of yourself, set some boundaries. Have there be consequences for his actions. If he's not willing to enter counseling, I'd seriously reconsider marrying him.<p>Good luck

ss,<p>I have a question regarding your situation.<p>Were you seeing, or did you know your now fiancee when he was still married to his ex-W?<p>Jo<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

ss,<p>Sorry to hear that but you know that you are engaged to a man w/ baggage. You know that his kids and his ex will always be part of your relationship.<p>Have you ask if he is willing to work on your relationship or he is sitting on the fence ?. If he is not willing you might have to stay away or postpone any major commitment (marriage) until both of you comfortable.<p>Print out LBQ and ENQ and fill it up together. Then work on POJA. to find a middle ground that both of you could live with.<p>God Bless You -RH-