D-day was 1 1/2 months ago. Based on some of the advice I received here, I went ahead and called the OM after determining identity based on cell phone records and letter, my wife would not reveal who OM was after confessing to affair. I actually never spoke to him, his cell phone was off or he was screening calls, and he was not home the one time I called him at home. Wife returned to town after getting away for week in Europe with girlfriend to sort things out. He was here while she was gone, I checked. She called him upon her return, and he told her I was harrassing him and his family, a car was parked out front of his house, many phone calls etc. Reality is I never went near his house, and placed 4-5 calls over 4 days, hardly harrassment. His wife did pick up my number on his cell phone and asked him about it.
He told my wife he was a nervous wreck, I responded welcome to my world, not sure she understands how this is impacting me. Anyway now he knows I know, W knows, and she claims she can't end it due to love. Plan A seems very difficult to implement as she is sitting on the fence waiting for him and I don't know if I have the sanity to do it, have tried for month. He has wife and kids, so likelyhood he is leaving family is slim. So she won't end it, claims they are just talking.
What is my next step? I am thinking Plan B, ask her to leave, let her know I won't keep this a secret from our families & friends, also give her a dose of reality in terms of her relationship with him. They have no future with relationship based on dishonesty, 80% of marriages resulting from affairs end in divorce, and he will never be able to give himself totally to her due to kids who will despise her for breaking up the family, and him for leaving. Am hoping a cold dose will snap her out of it. Or should I continue with Plan A hoping to slowly bring her out of it? Any thoughts?

wasbart-<p>I don't have much time so just a short reply. Most of the advice I've seen on the forum and from the Harley's would not recommend contacting the OM. This will only serve to drive your W to protect him. You need to get into serious Plan A mode for a few months. Eliminate Love Busters (LB) and make changes that will make yourself more attractive to your W. See if she will agree to counseling with you. In my opinion, it is too early for you to be considering a serious Plan B. However, no-contact is a serious issue as you will read on other posts on the forum. Continue to monitor what your W is doing but only if you can keep it secret from her. Use this information only to keep track of where you are and what kind of progress you are making. Don't confront her with results of spying or snooping, yet.<p>Read the stuff on this site and consider what it will take to do a good Plan A. See if she would be willing to fill out the EN and LB questionnaires so that you can better understand what you do that withdraws love deposits and what you can do to begin to make love deposits again. Don't expect any quick solutions. I understand your impatience and frustration though. At least she is still living with you and not the OM.<p>HoFS

As long as she continues contact with OM, recovery will not occur. Now may be the time to go to Plan B. Do not tell friends, family if all possible. You want to do this as revenge. This is burning bridges. This would destroy any chance of reconsiliation. You would be damaging the marriage even further. If she did come around she then may not what to save the marriage because would feel the scarlet "A" on her for the rest of her life. This may make her decide to start a new life instead of living a life where everybody knows. It feels great telling these other people and makes you feel better but if you and your wife come back together, you will then avoid these people because you will be afraid they will be too judgemental and hurt the healing process of your marriage.