Hi, I don't know if I am posting correctly, but needed to jump in here. 16 days ago my husband told me about his affair. I'm still in shock, but starting to come out just a little. I have been reading and writing in my journal. Any advice would be appreciated. I keep saying to him and myself, I don't know what to do. There isn't anyone I feel comfortable telling about this, so I'm hoping to get help this way. Thanks

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by CSue:
<strong>Hi, I don't know if I am posting correctly, but needed to jump in here. 16 days ago my husband told me about his affair. I'm still in shock, but starting to come out just a little. I have been reading and writing in my journal. Any advice would be appreciated. I keep saying to him and myself, I don't know what to do. There isn't anyone I feel comfortable telling about this, so I'm hoping to get help this way. Thanks</strong><hr></blockquote>

Dear Sue, <p>Welcome to MB. Yes, this is the place where these kinds of A things can be discussed. <p>Have you read the basic concepts or any of the books offered by the Harley's ? Also have you looked into marriage counseling for both or just yourself? When you get a chance, make sure you visit your personal physician or GYN. If your H's A has been a PA then you will need to be checked along with him for any STD. I am sorry to be so blunt but there is a lot that of bad things that can be brought in to a M due to an A. <p>Recovery is possible. It may be hard and we call that awful ride a 'roller coaster'. Emotions on both sides may go up and down. Read and post your thoughts. I will check back in a few. <p>Also, if you can look at OneGoing's threads there are helpful links there. <p>Take Care,
L.

To CSue,
I found out my H was having an emotional/physical affair 18 days ago. So am about in the same place as you, of course every relationship has different dynamics. I have a journel and have started individual therapy. Everyday has been a major roller coaster, I am going day by day and time has been good for that, it is getting a little easier, (well not much). The big thing for me is the betrayal of our relationship. I am moving on to address the quality of our relationship and is this repairable, or not. This uncertainty is unsettling. Posting here has been helpful in that others are experiencing similar feelings. I have some very supportive friends, but they have not been through this type of relationship difficulty - infidelity -
I don't know if my reply is helpful or not, but I think that by using a site like this and doing your inner and external exploration will certainly bring you closer to understanding your feelings and knowing that you are not alone.
SOF (soul on fire)

dear csue-you are definately in the right place. tell us your story, ask us your questions and vent away. we all try to help each other. read all orchid listed and find the newcomer links, it helps. kepp posting-we are here for you

Thanks to all who responded. I hope this makes it to all of you. I'm still not sure how to work the mechanics of the website, but I'll catch on quick. The fact that you have all responded gives me comfort. My husband brought home 2 copies of His Needs, Her Needs about 1 Month before telling me about his affair. I looked up this website after buying the book Surviving An Affair. Surviving an Affair is helping best so far because at this time I haven't been able to do much constructively about our marriage. What I am trying to concentrate on is not to make things worse according to what I'm reading. What is alarming me now is that it's spring break and I'm so unsettled I am finding out that I have displaced anger that is being triggered by my 2 children. They are innocent and don't deserve to catch the brunt of my anger. Thanks for listening. I'll keep posting and reading

Orchid, I don't understand what you mean by Onegoing's threads and links. But it sounds like something I would like to do. Onegoing I appreciate your advice about the std. Sof I find it comforting to know we're at about the same place as far as length of time knowing. What I find ironic in my case is that we were in marriage therapy and the affair never surfaced. Our therapist has left the state, so we will have to find someone new. I will also be checking into the phone therapy offered in marriage builders. Mikko, thank you for your words of peace. I am finding it difficult to accept where I am, but normally very much believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, learning the things I am learning. Sof...Soul on Fire what an image that creates. Thanks all of you for being there for me!

CSue,<p>Just wanted to say welcome also. I found this site late in January after D-day #2. It has been tremendously helpful to me. Reading other stories has made me feel less alone. I truly feel that only those who have gone through this can understand what you are feeling. Most people that I talked to about this who had never experienced this before just don't understand. They say things like, "I wouldn't tolerate this", "I would leave hime", etc. What I say now is that you don't know until you are actually in this situation.<p>Anyway from my experience so far (only in recovery 5 weeks), I recommend that you read everything you can, get counseling -- independent as well as marriage, both you and your spouse complete the EN (emotional needs) questionaire from this site (I think it is in SAA (Surviving an Affair) also, talk with your Dr. about anti-depressants (you will be on a rollercoaster ride -- mood swings -- for some time and these can help a little), and post here when you need to vent.<p>Finally, remember to do things for yourself. Try to take care of your health -- eat right, sleep and exercise. There are many thoughtful, caring people here at MB that have great insight.<p>FHO<p>Also, here are 2 links that should be helpful.<p>General Welcome
Acronyms, etc.

FHO, thanks for all the help especially the links.I have read some of your other posts throughout the forums and feel a little more at peace. I am amazed to read some of what I am seeing, the courage and love, as well as the anger, and pain. The rollercoaster still goes on for me. I have a little bit different situation than most from what I see, and I'm curious to find out what my new friends here think of this. When my husband asked to talk with me 20 days ago and told me about his affair I was stunned on many levels. One of the things that surprised me was that he said he had his affair 4 years ago, and that it lasted 4 months. He continued to have contact with "her" at work from that point forward but that he chose to end the affair because it caused him too much pain. The reason he told me was because the secret/dishonesty was eating him alive. He knew it would cause me pain; but he said later that he had no idea just how horrendous it would be. One unresolved new hurt was that he had promised her 4 years ago that if he ever told me that he would call her first to let her know if I insisted on knowing her name. Of course I had to know her name. How annoying it was that within moments of telling me; he had to take his cell phone and go outside to call her to let her know that he was telling me her name. I felt an even greater betrayal. He has morals with her...after all he had given her his word. HA! I got the book "Surviving The Affair" and when i read about the "No Contact" rule I was so relieved. At the point he told me about the affair she had a standing appointment to see him. It caused me such anxiety to know this that I rushed to his work and stood over him while he wrote her a note telling her he could have no contact of any kind with her now and in the future. I put the stamp on it and mailed it. She has called and left 2 more messages for him at work since the note went out; however he didn't return her call. Her appointment disappeared off the appointment book however; but it is hard for me because I find it hard to trust that they will have no further contact. The OW is a friend that he has had for 20 years; and he has admitted that he is sad that their friendship is ending this way with no phone call etc. He has read His Needs/Her Needs and saw the part of the importance of no contact. I am so angry at her that I fear what I might do if I happend to run into her. What is ironic is that he used to joke about her; about how lonely/desperate she was and how during this long friendship she always made it clear that she was always available. Turns out the joke ended up being on me. I told him that if she was as good a friend as he was trying to make me believe; she would have sent him back to me or to counselling when he approached her for the affair. I'm rambling now, but needed to get this off my chest. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to all of you

CSue,<p>I would also like to welcome you to MB. I am going to say a few things that will bother you alot at first, but I believe as you read here and continue to read your books you will come to understand.<p>First, you won't believe this but you are lucky. I KNOW you don't believe that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Second, what has happened in your marriage, may will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. At this point you probably think I am NUTS. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Third, as much as you hurt right now, you will feel better about yourself, your marriage, and yes your H in the coming months to a year.<p>It is commonly stated that a marriage recovers from an affair in a period of less than two years.<p>You have some hugh advantages.<p>THe affair has been over for a long time. (No withdrawal from H to deal with except the loss of a friend, this is very normal)<p>Your H's conscience is in the right place, he told you the worst thing you will ever hear, but also the worst thing a spouse can confess to their partner. You won't believe this but a big thing that you will face is dealing with his guilt. Weird Huh??<p>I doubt that there will be many if any lies to deal with at this point, although you will feel worse has you hear the details.<p>Now, I must illucidate why I said this may be a blessing in disguise. As you read and your H reads, you will see many things about your marriage that could be better. Many things that you and your H "assumed" should be automatic but aren't. As you see these things and begin to work on them, you will gradually heal, the scar of the affair will remain, but you will heal. But, in the process if you both address yourselves to the marriage the two of you will improve your communications, your sense of the other, and see each other as two people that need attention from one another BUT not necessarily as you were getting/giving it during the marriage.<p>I could say more and others will do doubt do that, but just know right now that it will get better and it can get MUCH BETTER when you are ready to start to rebuild your marriage.<p>Hang in there, give it time and patience. That goes for your H as well.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL,I do believe that what you have said is the kindest thing that has happened to me in the last 20 days. It will take me a few days to re-read and re-read. You have been very profound and given me something to hang on to. Bless you.

CSue,<p>Just checking in on you. I absolutely agree with JL. It seems hard to accept right now, but you have some advantages that other here at MB don't -- many of them are struggling through this while the A continues. It is a good thing that your H finally told you about the A. Eventually, him keeping and constantly protecting that secret would have destroyed your M. It would have built a wall between the two of you. It is great that your H is participating in this. <p>But, all that being said, probably doesn't make you feel better right now. I remember the dark days after the D-days. Actually my H and I were talking about everything last night and looking back, I am amazed at the progress we have made already. The good days outnumber the bad. I don't thing about the A 24/7 like I used to. We seem to be closer again -- like when we were first married. <p>I think you need to keep in mind that even though the A happened 4 years ago and has been over for a considerable time, you just found out about it. You are going to experience all the feelings that everyone else is. It is amazing when I read others' posts that they mirror my feelings. It helps to know that I am not crazy -- that these are normal feelings.<p>Hang in there. Work through your anger here. Stay strong -- you will survive and be better for the experience.<p>FHO

FHO, thanks for checking in on me. I have felt so much better since yesterday just knowing there are those of you out there that understand. Question...how do you put the information at the bottom of posts that list your relevent information? Thanks, csue

CSue,<p>At the top of the MB page there is a link to my profile. Click on that and go into view/update profile, then put information in the signature area and it will appear at the bottom of every post.<p>Glad that you are feeling better. This site is really a blessing.<p>FHO

Whew, tough day yesterday. I felt the need to find where the OW lives. I found it and drove by a few times. It was good to know I could innocently drive by and not stop and say or do anything. Kind of empowering. I still need to figure out what to do if I ever run into her. I feel a little sense of panic that I won't be prepared. Has anyone run into or confronted the OW? It would be helpful for me to hear about it. Also I am feeling alot of anxiety today. I am feeling like there is another d-day that I haven't been told about. Just some suspicions of some events that have happened within the 4 years since my H had his A. I need to ask him today if he has been completely honest and open with me on this subject. What troubles me is that one of his employees absolutely adores him. This he is smart witty, funny, charming etc. She has worked for him for about 2 years. I didn't feel like there was anything to do about this employee until a couple of funny incidents. I attended a luncheon meeting with she and my H. When it came time to sit down he sat down next to her in a booth instead of next to me. In the past he has never not sat next to when he has had the choice to sit next to me. This bothered me but sounded petty to mention. About a month later we had a dinner meeting with 3 other people, 1 being this female employee. Again, he chose to sit next to her, not me. That really bothered me, so as we left the restaurant after the dinner I confronted him by asking why after all this time did he find that he chose to sit next to her on these last 2 occassions instead of sitting next to me. She is the only person he has ever chosen to sit next to other than me. MIND YOU THIS OCCURRED 4 0R 5 MONTHS AGO and d-day for me was just 22 days ago. My fear is that there is another d-day looming that has to do with this employee, and he hasn't been honest. It took him living with the lie of his first A for 4 years before he told me. It's tough for me to know what in the past 4 years is real vs an illusion. At the time I asked him about why he kept choosing to sit next to her I accused him of having an affair with her. He went ballistic saying that she was an "employee", and that he would NEVER do something like that with an employee. What do all of you think about this? He couldn't explain to me why he kept sitting next to her. Of course he hasn't since then. It's just that now that I know about the A from 4 years ago I am seeing things so differently. He'll be home in about 1 hour and I feel I need to ask him if he's been completely honest and open with me or if....there's something more he needs to tell me. I don't know if I can trust him now or ever. Please advise.

You will find a lot of support here. I also found out the truth about my H's affair with my former best friend 6 years later. At the time, they both claimed it was emotional only and I was stupid enough to believe them. <p>Unlike your H, my H would have never told me if not 'forced' to in counseling. He said he promised her "he'd never tell." So for 6 years his vow to her was more important than our marriage vows.<p>It's been very hard, I won't lie to you. But it is worth it to save a marriage, at least for us. We've had lots of counseling for the past 6 years, lots of reading , prayer and TIME. Time is the hardest thing but it really does help. I took antidepressants 6 years ago and again last July when I found out. But I got pregnant so I had to quit them which has been very hard.<p>For me, I liked the book Torn Asunder the best. It helped my H so see that I had to express my feelings and he had to feel them to prevent future affairs. I also like the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com<p>I wish you healing and peace. Keep up the good work and don't be hard on yourself. Right away I assumed I did something wrong for this to happen. While I've made all kinds of mistakes, I DID NOTHING TO JUSTIFY AN AFFAIR. NOTHING. When the OW is your 'friend' it's more than double the pain. Our friendship was never resolved, she blamed ME for her part in it if you can believe that. I was matron of honor in her wedding just 6 mos before also.<p>Good luck and keep posting

Maggierose, Thank you for responding to my post. I had read some of your posts and realized that you probably had some wisdom to share since you have some of the same experiences I have had. How awful that your best girlfriend was the OW. I can't imagine how that felt. I can't believe that I was in marriage counseling and the A never came up. I was the focus of the counseling the "patient". I find myself pouring over the details of the last 4 years trying to decide what was reality vs illusion. I just printed out Shattered Vows yesterday and found it very helpful. I read the article to my H last night. We know we need to go into marriage counseling again, this time to deal with the A. Yesterday was very tough, today is better. I very much appreciate your support and encouragement. Finding MB Website has been the best thing for me of all. I feel like I am a member of a club I'd rather not be a part of; however the fact is I belong here and am so grateful for the kindness and support offered. Thank you

CSue,<p>How are you doing? I like the article Shattered Vows also. I gave it to my H and I think it helped him to understand some of the emotions I was going through. The trust issue is a hard one. I don't know how long it takes to rebuild trust. From everything I have read it says it takes about 2-3 years to really heal from an A. Sometimes when I am tired that seems like an incredibly long hard road to follow. I think the trust will come over time -- each time you know your H is honest with you a little deposit in the trust bank will be made, until that is enough in the bank for you to trust your H.<p>Counseling is a great idea. Remember that this will not be solved overnight. It is a long process. The emotional rollercoaster is always out there waiting to get you. It helps me to realize that these feelings are normal and most BSs feel them. That way I know I am not crazy and that I will get beyond the terrible place I am in at that moment. I really helps me when I read posts from people that were very active on the boards about a year or so ago -- right after their D-day -- and now they talk about their recovery and how well things are going. I want to be the one making those posts in a year.<p>Keep us updated.<p>FHO

FHO, what would I do without all of you who have gone before me?? I feel exactly the way you say. Nothing seems to be happening fast enough. My WH is so relieved that I haven't thrown him out or physically hurt him that he's driving me crazy with his happiness. I don't feel he has any right to be happy with me so miserable. I want to get started writing my EN that's what seems to be the 1st thing to do, and then maybe I'll feel like I am making progress. Thanks for checking up on me; I too want to be down the road much further looking back so I can see progress. Tomorrow makes 1 month since D-Day. Somethings I know are better. Less extreme roller coaster; however it's hard for me to focus on much of anthing but the A and recovery. I am more peaceful and not impatient with my children. I feel blessed that they are young enough at 7 & 9 not to notice anything going on. If anything they are seeing us hugging more. Thanks for your post. I am grateful you are here. CSue

CSue,<p>Just wanted to post quickly to say that your H is probably so relieved that you still love him that he is very happy. He also probably feels very guilty deep down, but since he has been carrying this secret for 4 years it is somewhat of a relief to finally have things out in the open. When my H and I first started to work on recovery, I was kind of mad at my H also because he did not seem to feel that remorseful or guilty for the things that he had done. Now that we are communicating more, I know that is not the truth. He just never wanted to say anything to me because he did not want to remind me of the things he had done. He felt it was his punishment to have to carry these feelings around inside of him and just deal with them. When we talked and I shared some of the posts on this site that expressed some of the things I felt, he began to understand that it was important for me to know how he felt and that keeping things bottled up was what led us here in the first place.<p>Just hang in there -- We're about 7 weeks into recovery and things are getting better all the time. Today my DH came and took me out to lunch, for no reason at all. It really meant something to me because he had to drive for an hour to get to my work and that meant he took the afternoon off to be with me. My DH now constantly tells me how much he loves me and I am starting to believe it again -- something I never thought would happen after D-day. <p>Take it one day at a time. Communication is the key. <p>Anyway, got to run -- have school tonight. Just want to respond quickly. I know others at MB got me through the rough spots at first and I want to return the favor. It is sad to be here but it is wonderful that there are so many caring people who are willing to share their time and experience. <p>FHO