I've been going to work and keep up a good front, but feel like I'm dying inside. I seem to loose it when I come home. My H is very supportive, he will hold me and tell me he's sorry and comfort me. But I feel so angry he did this and want the pain to go away. I didn't go to work today because I just want to go to bed and sleep. I thought I was doing so good but for some reason I keep asking myself why this had to happen to me. I feel like such a fool. I hate him and love him at the same time. Is this possible? I sometimes feel like I should throw him out. Or better yet I should leave. The only thing stopping me is our son. What makes me most angry is I'm going through all this pain and suffering because he was having sex in the backseat of a car. He didn't even love her, it was the excitement of getting away with it. I'm so mad at him for this.<p>
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BS - 32
WH - 34
OW - 41
Married - 11 yrs, 1 S - 10
A - 1 1/2 yrs
D-Day 1-7-02

all of what you are feeling is perfectly normal for what you are going through. in fact i think at the same time where you are at i use to look at my husband and want to hug him one minute and hit him with a frying pan the next. <p>someone suggested to me to make an angry list. list all the things you are angry about and get them out. try to find a way to deal with one thing at a time on the list and get through it. also make a hopes for the future list. when im down i read my hopes list and it helps.<p>you should take comfort in the fact that your husband is supportive of you-i wish mine was. he is starting to come around now-but back then he couldnt deal with my pain-go figure, he caused it! take comfort in that he is there for you.

STY,<p>Yes, everything you are feeling is normal. I am still angry with my H. Sometimes those feelings are overwhelming. I get angry because he as taken somthing away from me that I can never get back -- a spouse who is faithful and holds the marriage vows sacred. And yet, he, the one who cheated, will have a faithful spouse. It seems so unfair. It is also hard because I sometimes don't feel that he really understands the depth of pain he caused me and the damage he did to our marriage -- from everything I have read it takes 2 - 3 years to really recover. Sometimes I don't know if I have the strength to get through this.<p>But on the other hand, I look at how sorry and guilty my H feels. Sometimes he says things that make me realize that he hurt himself tremendously during this as well. I try to hang on to those thoughts.<p>Anyway, remember that you are on a rollercoaster ride. Your emotions will swing back and forth constantly -- that has been my experience for the last 5 weeks since we began recovery. I also suggest that perhaps you see your Dr. for anti-depressants. They will not take away the pain but they will help the mood swings from being so extreme. I know they have helped me. Unfortuately, it takes about 3 weeks for them to kick in.<p>The feelings you have are natural. Keep posting here and vent your negativity. It helps.<p>FHO

I feel very similar to you. Like such a fool. Had ANYONE asked me I would have said that there was a 0% chance that my husband would have an affair. I am so humiliated and feel like an incredible failure. He is very very sorry and extremely remorseful. I just still can't believe that he put the wellbeing of our 2 boys and me whom he says and has always said "he loves". What a huge mistake with incredible risks. My sense of security is shattered and the anxiety attacks make me feel like I am going crazy. My husband has agreed to no contact, but how do you learn to trust anything they say now. He told me about his affair 20 days ago; and although in some ways I feel better, in other ways I don't. As the shock continues to wear off I have newly discovered feelings and thoughts. I simply can't get the pictures out of my head. I am so mad at him. What does the notation D-day mean? Thanks, for listening.

CSue,<p>D-Day is the day you discovered the A. Sometimes there are multiple D-days if the WS (wayward spouse)agrees to NC (no contact)but doesn't follow through.<p>Look for the general welcome post, I think it explains the acronyms.<p>FHO

Thanks for the responses. My day is going a little bit better. I called my mom and had her come over and talk with me. I need to know I'm doing the right thing. My gut reaction is kick him to the curb. But I try to think of everything we worked so had to get - we would have to give up. From the books I've read I understand we can make it. Lots of people do. I just feel like I'll never have the perfect marriage I thought I had - it will be tainted forever. My step-dad suggested we separate then if my H continues to call and ask to come back I'll know for sure he really loves me. I told him I couldn't because I would drive myself crazy not knowing where he is. Plus it isn't possible because of our son, I leave early in the morning to go to work while my H gets him off to school.

Seems like this is where I need to post! I am going through the sam rollercoaster ride. My H confessed on 2/10/02. I was set on working things out. We have 2 boys ages 7 and 4. And I love him. We have always had our communication problems and fights but i never thought they were so bad that we couldnt fix them. He isnt one to verbalize or even show much affection and I learned to adapt and live with it over the last 10 years that we have been married. I HAte Him for what he has Done to our family and me, but love him at the same time and cant bear the thought of losing him. Today I am very Melancholy. I tried to take the boys to Chuck E CHeeses for fun, but I was a grouch. I feel bad that they have to endure the things that they do even though I have kept them out of everything I can. THey know we are having problems. No one around me know s what to say. THey always thought of my H as a great guy, quite but nice. ANd he is, Just not to me. OW has not put in her notice yet and that is driving me crazy. I dont want to be too demanding and drive him away and yet I dont want to make him stay if he doesnt want me. He told OW he could never in good conscience be with her, but HE still loves her. He is supportive to me and affectionate now. He holds me when I need to cry and tells me over and over that he is sorry. I know that he is and he realizes how much pain he has caused me and himself. I hope I can make some friends on these boards to help me get trough thte bad days. You all have been great so far! THanks for letting me vent.

Thanks for the info on d-day. I'll look for the general post. I figured I had missed something!