First I'll explain the A. In January I was questioning him about a woman at his work. He denied any instances with her and as the conversation went on he disclosed an A he had with someone else at work while we were engaged and it lasted a year or so into our marriage. He went to her house a couple of times and she was in our house once then one episode was at work! I was SHOCKED! I was ANGRY! But I am determined to work through this. It took about 3 weeks for him to remember and disclose everything. Each time causing a deeper pain. I dug into the Bible and I cried out to my Lord. It did cross my mind to leave, but I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. H had been very remorseful for his actions and until recently he had been meeting my emotional needs; making it easier to recover. Last month we went on a small vacation and we renewed our wedding vows. He wanted me to know that he was serious about them this time. I truly believe him, but I am not the happy person that I used to be. For a month or so after his disclosure our marriage was the best that it had ever been. My #1 emotional need is affection and H knows this and strived hard to incorporate that for compensation. In the past few weeks that has sort of dwindled away and he asked me why I wasn't as happy and what he could do. I explained about the affection and he said I'm expecting too much. My question is this - How can we continue the recovery process and make our marriage last if he is already giving up?

Welcome WillingT

I am sorry no one has answered you sooner. I'm no expert but I'll give you my 0.02. You have to have extreme patience. The A did not occur overnight- several months/years went into it's development. It will take several months/ years too rebuild your marriage.<p> Read, read , read as much as you can here. Also get the book Surviving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. What you and your husband have gone through is one of the most difficult events in a lifetime. Take time to loveingly and respectful examine what went wrong. Take respnsibility for both your parts and give yoursevles time to forgive and repair.<p>
Recovery takes alot of time and understanding. Although your story seems to have a very happy ending do not rush it to be just the way it was. You can never go back there because that is what brought the A about in the first place. You need to learn and grow from this experience to make your M better and stronger.<p> Take your time and try to get some counseling with the Harley's. Good luck.
Forgiver

Thanks for your reply. The ironic thing is that I read His Needs Her Needs within the first few months of our marriage, but it was already too late. <p>I have come to realize that when I typed my original message here I was focusing completely on my needs. God has since showed me how selfish I've been. I know I have to work on meeting H needs instead.<p>We have gone to counseling together and I believe that's how we've come as far as we have. I just know it will take time for me to heal.<p>I'm still finding that almost every day I have to put scenes of H with OW out of my mind. I don't even know her, but I feel like calling her and getting her side of the story. Do you think there would be any benefit to that? I also find it difficult to think back to our engagement and wedding. We've been married over 5 years and it kills me to know he's lied to me all along.<p>Thanks again for your input!

WillingT,<p>Hi. I also have not been on the board long. I will give you the benefit of my advice for what it is worth. My H and I are now about 7 weeks into recovery. There are good days and there are bad days. Recovery does not happen overnight. I still think about the things my H did and still dwell on his R with the OW. <p>Regarding your contact with you, you need to do what you feel is best. Remember that it will be a very emotional situation and do not do it if you think it will turn angry or violent. There is a post somewhere on the boards of a man who confronted the OM. He did it very calmly and after much thought. Only you can decide if this will help you move forward.<p>I think you are right on the money about focusing on meeting your H's ENs. Everytime you meet his ENs that will make him want to meet your ENs even more.<p>Forgiver has good advice about reading. Coming on the board and reading how others have handled things has been a real inspiration to me.<p>FHO

Thanks, FormerhopelessOne! I have been reading quite a bit.<p>Do you know what is discouraging?........That there are so many people out here that have been a part of such devastating situations. It just blows my mind!