I just found out. It has been 2 long weeks and I am going crazy. All I do is cry. My H said that the only reason he is staying is because of the kids. They are 9-6-3yo.. He said that he has developed feeling for the ow, he has known her for 5 years and it turned into more last year. He told me that he hasn't seen her since December 2001 but he did go by her house the saturday before I found out.
He also said that he is willing to try to make it work, but he don't think that it will work out. And yes he did try to blame me but today I said "NO" it wasn't my fault. And he finally did take blame for his actions. Is that a good sign?<p>I love my H so much. I am angry but I don't hate him. I am more disappointed in him then anything else. Does that make sense? And I don't want his to leave me.<p>I don't know what to do..........

Welcome to MB. <p>Your story has soo much familiarity in it and that's scary to hear. But you are also among those that may be able to help. Please read the info in the basic concepts section and let us know what you think. <p>Post your thoughts and vents here. <p>You were right not to take his blame. He sounds like he is confused. That's a good sign in the fact that he is not sure if this so called 'great person, soulmate character' is really that good. <p>Read up on plan a and plan b. Good stuff here. <p>Take care,
L.

Should I call the ow and ask her if she is still seeing or talking to me H????

IMHO, NO!!!!! At least not yet. K? You need to stablize yourself. You are basically in shock and very much prone to anxiety attacks. <p>Listen the best thing you can do is read up on this stuff. No revenge or hurtful things to yourself or your H. <p>Pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. <p>Be prepared and build your support group. Know you can come here and vent. Sometimes talking with someone here @ MB helps. Or we can e-mail. Some even ICQ. Main thing is to help you understand your situation. There is no miracle cure or quick fix. There are some 'techniques' that work for some and others implement variations. You will learn to understand that you can not control your. You will learn that in the interim you may improve for a while and then backslide. You will learn that your H will babble. Don't go with the babble. Learn the difference between his sensible vs nonsense babble. Learn how to and not to react to the babble. If the A has been PA. Get you and if you can your H to the doc for STD testing. <p>That's for starters. There is much to learn. You will also need to give yourself some time. You will find yourself dwelling on this constantly and begin to ignore other people and things. You may even have a driving need to fix it for your H. You CAN NOT do this. H must! <p>K?<p>As nuts as this sounds and as much as I hated hearing it, know this, the OW is a part of the problem but not the whole part. So while it is convenient to blame the OW and be mad at her, remember it was his choice to participate. <p>Learn how not to enable the A. You will learn to survive. <p>Take Care,
L.

I am so sorry that you are in this place. I've been there and it's the worst place to be in. Don't worry if your H makes no sense these days, the fog is very powerful. I have to try to not remember all of the awful things my H said when he was 'in love' with my ex best friend. It destroyed my world and I've been thru this twice.<p>Once when it happened and they said it was EA only. That was 6 years ago. We were separated for 9 mos and I thought I'd never make it. She was my best friend, a neighbor, his employee and married to HIS best friend.<p>Well, just last summer I found out that it was indeed PA, he lied because 'he promised her he'd never tell.' My heart broke into a million pieces knowing our marriage had been a big lie for 6 years. It's very hard to work through something like this years later. You sure don't get much support, people say "Oh, it's in the past, you're lucky he's back." But it still feels brand new to me.<p>OUr friendship was never resolved, she blamed ME for her part in it. Very sad.<p>Anyway, don't give up. With lots of counseling, prayer, that separation and reading lots of good books and articles, we made it. We are going to finish this round of counseling in a month or so. Don't let money hold you back from counseling, it's really necessary for this type of pain. We have spent $5000 thru the years and it's been well worth it and we are on a very limited budget.<p>The book Torn Asunder is great, as is the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com<p>Don't give up. Your love for your H can really get you through this. But don't be afraid to show your hurt, anger, etc. either. It helps to prevent this from happening again. Prayers and a hug

I too am new at this. Just found out 22 days ago. My H had his affair 4 years ago for 4 months, so he says. It has been the most devastating experience I have been though, much tougher than even having my mother die suddenly when I was 22 years old. Similar feelings I have noticed and have figured that this is the same grieving process I went through when she died. This discussion board has helped keep me sane. The kindness and compassion from those "who know" exactly what I feel has been such a gift. It helps to vent, vent, vent, and I keep reminding myself to "do no harm". And boy do I keep having crazy thoughts of doing harm, so I keep reminding myself "do no harm". God bless you! CSue

I thank all of you who responeded to me. I am so miserable. What do I need to read. Tell me everything. I have to do something. I did print out some of MB information. I told my H that he had to read something. He actually did read it and after her read it he said that he was sorry for hurting me. I could have slapped his face right then and there....
He continues to tell me that if things don't work out for us not to be mad at him. He has even said that he don't know if he loves me. I told him that I forgive him and I am going to try my hardest to not give up on our marriage. We have been together for 18 years and married 10. I refuse to give up on my investment. Please tell what I should read...... Right about now I am willing to do anything. My H said that he would make a effort but of course I don't trust him. Is is normal for him to still want to have sex? Just today he told me that he has to stop untill he is ready again. What the hell does that mean? He told me that he only had S with the OW 2x but I don't believe that either. I asked him what did she do that I didn't do. And he said that she was nice. Ohhhhhhh, I almost blew a gasket. I went nuts. I said alot of nasty things and I told him with friends like that who needs enemies. Am I babbling????? I am so sorry but it just makes me feel better to vent. Where do I learn all the abbrivations at???

Dear Lost,<p>Here's some reading material for starters. Also if you can get ahold of the book, Surviving an Affair and His needs/her needs by Dr Harley it would be a good start. <p>This thread contains several other reference threads like the one from OneGoing here on the JFO site. <p> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=015609 <p>hope this helps. Read and decide if your H is ready to read all that you are. Remember your viewpoints are very different right now. He might also think he is 'unique'. Don't they all!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Well needless to say I am waiting for my books. But I have some questions. I can't stop thinking about what has happened. I look at my H and feel like hitting him. He has said that he is sorry but I don't think that he is sincere. He makes me feel like it has been all my fault. He even said that he don't think he can get over how I treeated him in the past. Is that normal? He has always says don't hate me if things don't work out. What is that all about. He said that he wanted to work things out but then he says things. I am getting better but I have my moments. I still cry but not as much. But it still makes me sick when I think of it. I also have this overwhelming feeling, that I have to see what the OW looks like. I can't help myself it feels as if I am obsessed. I already found her addresss and I have her phonenumber. What the heck is wrong with me????????

We have been talking alot but he seems to have a problem. He is always upset or he gets upset for no reason. He won't talk and he is getting on my nerves. I am just about ready to throw him out. What do I do??? He swears that he is not still seeing the ow but of course I do not believe him. I am having a real hard time with this. He is making me feel as if I had the A. Is this normal behavior. I am still waiting for my books to be delivered but I need help now.

lost,
I am not the best person to help you, but I know what your feeling now and how hard it is. My husband used to come home from being with other women and tell me it was my fault, after all look at me I was nine months pregnant, and he considered that fat. I spent many years feeling gulty for his affairs, and wanted him out, and wanted him to stay all at the same time.
He gets angry because he is guilty and he knows it. It isnt your fault. Try and hang in there and listen to all the wonderful people on here, they know what they are talking about. I am sorry for your pain.

Mother of five. Thank you. What did you do? Are you and your husband still together? Are you o.k.? My H told me today that he is tired of trying and he isn't in love with me anymore. I really don't know what to do now. I don't know if I should continue to try to make things work for him and I. I know that I will be o.k. if I tell him to leave, I am just afraid for my children. He said that I neglected him for 3 years and why do I care now? This has to be the most heart wrenching experience of my life. I do love my H and don't want him to leave, but he is making it almost impossible for me.

There is something about WS who can be such liars, so convincingly, that we (the BS) will never (never) know when (if) they are ever telling the truth.
\
There is something about BS who can be such truthful people, so convincingly that we (the WS) will always (always) know when (if) they are ever telling a lie.

Boy... your post sure transported me to almost exactly one year ago...<p>D-day 4/25/01... H 'in-love' w/ co-worker we both knew and worked w/ for 5 years...<p>He was oh, so ANGRY w/ me... blamed everything on me... even our being married... said I trapped him into marriage... etc. etc...<p>Oddly enough, we continued to be sexually intimate... May, June, July,.... he moved out and spent the night somewhere else the month of July... moved back in Aug.<p>Sept. something changed... but he continued contact w/ OW plus he had an EA w/ an 18 year old... <p>I wasn't nice. I didn't do the best plan A, at first... but I learned and I got better and I never repeated my mistakes (just made new ones).<p>We are still together. He is in no contact w/ both (EA w/ young'un was the last to end). We just had his wedding ring remade and are looking at buying a house.<p>I won't say that we are in 'true' recovery because I don't feel that he is fully on board... but we are going to church together as a family... he is coming back into the Word and I have faith, hope and love... and as our pastor today said... the greatest of all is love...<p>Good luck, keep posting... I will look forward to your future posts.<p>Cali

lost,
what did I do?

well eventually I became emotionally needy and someone else filled that void. I now am what I hate most the "Other woman" I should say XOW.
husband and I are together, strained, but it took many years for me to realize I wasnt as bad as he said, he emotionally abused me, because he felt bad about him self. so what I am dealing with now is way off base, but seeing everyones pain has made me remmber all to well, the pain I had. and I hate to see any one go through this. I have been reading this site like crazy and have learned so much. It is helping, wish I had this 17 years ago.

[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well another day has passed and I am feeling very confused. Yesterday my H said alot of nasty things to me and made me cry again. (WHAT'S NEW). Anyway, he went out and called me at 12midnight to tell me that he was sorry and he wanted to make things work. He has never left the house but he is making me crazy. I am on med's but I am still very much depressed. I am reading now and my behavior is typical. (Which is good). But I still have this overwhelming feeling of finding out how the ow looks. I have to find out. Is that a LB? I am really trying to not LB but it is difficult when I am the one that has to do everything. It should be the other way around. I sure wish my books would come. I don't know how my H will be from day to day. Is this something that I am going to have to deal with forever? Is there a specific time limit?<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: lost ]</p>

Well you do have the right to know but he may or may not be in the frame of mind to accomodate your need. So what to do? Well, for the time being, concentrate on rebuidling the trust. REad those books and let him know about trust and honesty. <p>Stay away from the L word (love) for now. It is too confusing for the WS and they tend to be pretty hurtful at this time. <p>Get with a counselor soon. K?<p>L.

Orchid,
So just deal with his going out whenever he wants and not saying anything. He also has a pager and get extremely upset at me when I look at it. He says it is private!!!! Well how can I trust him when he won't let me see who is paging him. And when I page him he doesn't always call me back. I am starting to think he is with the ow. I can't deal with it if he is, It is breaking my heart just writing about it. I am reading ATA but waiting for SAA & HNHN. I love my H so much that it hurts my heart and soul and I can't help but feel bad. I still cry all the time is that normal too??? When he says something nice I cry when he says something nasty I cry. And yes I am going to a counselor. We were going together but he of course was lying about not having the ow. The counselor was upset when I told her that I found out. But she said that she would still like to see us go. Is it a good idea for him to go with me? Or should I go alone. So many questions... I hope I am not making anyone as nuts as I am. But I am still hurting and today is just not a good day for me.

It is me again..... Now I am freaking out. My H got out of work at 10 and he is still not home, it is midnight. Am I paranoid??? I beeped him several times and he still has not called home. Should I assume he is with the ow? I am so upset. I am going crazy. My stomach hurts and I have a major headache..... Should I continue to beep him untill he calls back? Or should I wait for him. I am so messed up right now.....